a girl's ex bf suddenly comes back to her after 6 months.

[ExpatInItaly]

Because she was rebounding, OP.

 

This is typical of people who are fresh out of relationships. They're looking to fill a void that the ex left behind, so they slot in whomever is convenient. That was you, in this case. She obviously liked you to a certain extent, but not in the way she's in love with her ex.

 

Honestly, singing songs and writing messages and chatting isn't really a lot of true effort. Spending time together and fostering a real relationship is. You're putting too much weight into virtual communication, but that's not how solid relationships are built or maintained - it's simply not enough.

 

In the future, I would strongly encourage you to either date locally or meet a girl who's not so far away and doesn't have an ex in the picture at all. I'm not sure if you have much relationship or dating experience, but this had red flags all over it from the beginning. You just need to get better at identifying them.

[Venn]

I asked her if I was just a rebound... and this is her reply:

 

"No! You are wrong! You are not a rebound! You don't know what I am going through right now! I am indeed sorry if I hurted you because of me. Go ahead... think of it always on what you think... What I said was true. of course I fell for you... I was happy with you when I called and chat you.

 

I loved you because you were my best friend... Okay! I'm already the one here who is at fault and not you. But you were the one who told me that it is not love that we felt because we still haven't met each other. Your words hurted me when you told me that I made you a rebound!"

 

 

I then told her "well truth hurts". She then got so mad at me she said this:

 

"Are you really the Venn that I knew this whole time? Is this your true character? Go ahead! Don't believe me! Go ahead and twist every word I say! Either you believe what I said to you or not it's up to you. Can I do anything about it? I guess not. All right! I'm the bad person here! I'm the one who'se the villian here! Go ahead and believe what others say! Go ahead and believe what the people at the internet say! (I told her about me asking for help on the internet.)"

 

"I'll ask of you. Is it love what we felt when we just met for 3 months? Of course we have the same level of attachment. The only difference is I'm the one who hasn't moved on."

 

So what? Is everything that the people who advised me not true?? Am I not a rebound?? Why does she say that when everybody else in my circle of friends tell me that I am just a rebound? What is it really?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, it's not as though she's going to admit she was on the rebound. Rarely does that ever happen. Thus, asking her that was rather pointless.

 

You have to look at her actions and what she did tell you, which is that you are her friend (not boyfriend) and she's still communicating and meeting up with her ex. That is what counts here. She isn't your girlfriend and apparently no longer feels the same way you do.

 

On top of that, she sounds hot-headed and immature, and lacking in insight into her own behaviour. I would take a lot of space from her. You need to protect your own well-being and trying to make a relationship happen under these circumstances is only hurting you.

[Venn]

What is it with the word miss? She misses my long messages, my time with her when we do devotions, the calls and everything... she's already chosen... why can't she let go of these things?

[justwhoiam]

What is it with the word miss? She misses my long messages, my time with her when we do devotions, the calls and everything... she's already chosen... why can't she let go of these things?

He's still two hours away, isn't he?

Maybe he's not the kind of guy who is putting in too much time for her, like being online with her all the time, writing her long letters, sending her hand-written letters... It's just a guess.

She was used to a routine with you that grew in intensity over time, and now giving it all up because of her "boyfriend" is a tough move for her.

She doesn't want to lose the attention from you while getting back together with her ex.

 

You are the one who will make this possible. Or not. It's up to you. I don't see the point in investing so much. Also, any potential girlfriend (for you) would steer clear from such scenario of yours, so that you'd get stuck with nothing. How nice is that?

 

It comes a time when you need to think of yourself first. This is one of those times. Let her boyfriend take care of her.

Tell her that you would take care of your girlfriend, and he needs to take care of her. That doesn't mean she can't have friends, but as you're looking for a stable relationship in your life, it's time for you to invest your time looking for that, because that's what you need. Wish her all the best and tell her not to expect communication from you.

 

Then you move on. I would suggest you stop talking to her completely, because she is definitely wishy-washy and not the kind of girl you need in your life. She just means trouble. She was swearing she loved you and didn't feel anything for him, then she agreed to meet him several times with the hope of getting back together. She said she felt pity for him, now it comes up she still loves him. She's not someone you can trust for any reason. And she's 24, not a young kid.

 

Move on. Quick.

[ExpatInItaly]

What is it with the word miss? She misses my long messages, my time with her when we do devotions, the calls and everything... she's already chosen... why can't she let go of these things?

 

Again, this is all typical of people on the rebound, particularly when they're on the immature side.

[Venn]

how painful is it then on loosing a "bestfriend"? why does she keep saying she regrets and stuff?

[ExpatInItaly]

Because you were a reliable source of attention and affection.

 

And to be honest, I wouldn't put so much weight on her assertion that you were her best friend. Yes, you two were friendly and you got attached, but really- how many of your best friends are people that you have never met?

 

You're seeing why it's important not to get so wrapped up in an online relationship/friendship when you have never met the person and likely won't in the foreseeable future. Messaging and video chatting and social media are great ways to keep in touch, but they shouldn't be used as the primary platform in building a relationship. It all creates too much false intimacy that just cannot substitute for offline, in-person connections.

 

Real relationships require a lot more effort than sending cute messages, song lyrics, romantic videos and so on. Those are all nice gestures, but should be the additional bonus to real quality time together.

 

I don't mean to say this is all your fault; she definitely toyed around with you and led you to believe she wanted more on a few occasions. The problem is that her ex came back and, well, her heart is really with him. All the messages and calls in the world can't compete with a convenient warm body she's still in love with (and yes, she's clearly still into him, despite what she tells you)

 

Step back. Disconnect. Foster the relationships and friendships you already have with people around you. This girl will soon be a thing of the past.

[Venn]

yeah... what part of it of what hurted me is that she really is a great girl. She detailed to me how her ex really treated her badly in their 3rd and 4th year. Its kind of a waste for her to go back again knowing that she'll just get hurt all over again. I mean it may be okay if its not me. Just someone who knows how to really handle a relationship well...