Married but falling again for my first love - !!!

[AngelBlue75]

My husband & I have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 young sons. However I've held a secret flame for my first love all these years, despite not seeing him since we were 17 (25 years ago).

 

I recently got in touch with him on social media because curiosity got the better of me. He was thrilled to hear from me and suggested we meet up for a drink. He is still gorgeous, funny, clever and very successful - the connection and chemistry between us was off the charts.

 

Turns out he is also currently divorcing his wife (he has 2 kids similar age) and has had a couple of girlfriends in the last 1.5 years, but nothing serious. We've since had a few secret dates and have been flirting and even done some sexting. By date #4, we were sleeping together, which was amazing.

 

I feel sick about what I'm doing to my husband (and by association the boys). I've never ever considered infidelity before - this is literally the only man in the world I'd do it for because I consider him the 'one that got away'. I feel like I can't resist him, and that I still love him and want him to love me back and finally be with me (especially as he is now single).

 

The honest truth is, if he said he wants me, I would seriously consider leaving my husband. Life's short, and I believe you should follow your heart. Although obviously it would be an agonising decision and it would kill me for my kids.

 

Has anyone else been through this with an old flame or their first love, and got advice on how I should handle this?? I'm so scared I'm going to bring everything crashing down!

 

Many thanks x

[GorillaTheater]

I hope you're wearing a helmet, because you're likely to get pummeled a bit.

 

 

Look, the only fair, gracious thing you can do at this point is to divorce your husband and give him a chance to find the love of his life too.

[BaileyB]

Life's short alright - you should definitely follow your heart and do whatever you want, regardless of the consequence.

 

It will be interesting to see if you have the same attitude in a years time, after you destroy your husband's life and totally turn your children's lives upside down.

 

In a year, the "rush" you are feeling right now will have worn off and you will be settled with this man... and you may just realize that he leaves his socks on the floor, and doesn't communicate when he's unhappy, or perhaps he's done to you what you've both done to your husband... But then, you will have an angry ex-husband to deal with, your children will be acting out because they miss their dad, or maybe he will find another partner and your children will be raised by another woman... You may be wondering - did I make the right decision to leave my husband and break up my family?

 

It will be interesting to see how things go for you... You are chasing rainbows and hurting other people - no support here from me. Sorry.

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[NotCamelot]

I have lived through your story TWICE! Without all the gory details, I will tell you that have made a very serious mistake.

 

 

I did that and my wife did that. We both know, after the fact, that it was the most horrible of things we've ever done in 25 years.

 

 

I will tell you this. The best thing that the OW told me when she was asking about my wife, "There is a reason you married her." Think about that. There is a reason you married your husband and have 2 children with him.

 

 

After all the years together, does he deserve what you have done to him? Why not ask him? See what he thinks. I bet he will think that he is what you "settled" for because you couldn't have what you really wanted. He is going to be crushed, devasted, more than you've ever seen--- by your actions.

 

 

I can truly understand what and how you feel. However, I doubt that he will.

 

 

I am really so sorry for what you are going through and what you are about to go through. However, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

[Overtaxed]

Tell us about your husband. Is he a good person, or is he in the midst of an A himself? What about your overall relationship? Good but stale? Or on the rocks/heading toward D BEFORE you started up with the new guy?

 

Finally, you need to think long and hard about the fact that your new guy may very well be seeing multiple women. Yes, he tells you he's not. But there's a very good chance he is, especially if he's just coming out of a D and he's wealthy and good looking. Men like that in your age bracket (assuming based on your username and time of marriage) are a seriously hot commodity, he's going to have a lot of options for casual sex, and a whole lot of options for women who want to be wifed up.

[Marc878]

My husband & I have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 young sons. However I've held a secret flame for my first love all these years, despite not seeing him since we were 17 (25 years ago).

 

I recently got in touch with him on social media because curiosity got the better of me. He was thrilled to hear from me and suggested we meet up for a drink. He is still gorgeous, funny, clever and very successful - the connection and chemistry between us was off the charts.

 

Nothing special. This is how a lot of affairs start.

 

Turns out he is also currently divorcing his wife (he has 2 kids similar age) and has had a couple of girlfriends in the last 1.5 years, but nothing serious. We've since had a few secret dates and have been flirting and even done some sexting. By date #4, we were sleeping together, which was amazing.

 

You are now a member of the cheating wives club. Pretty typical affair story.

 

I feel sick about what I'm doing to my husband (and by association the boys). I've never ever considered infidelity before - this is literally the only man in the world I'd do it for because I consider him the 'one that got away'. I feel like I can't resist him, and that I still love him and want him to love me back and finally be with me (especially as he is now single).

 

Maybe. All cheaters lie, hide and deny. I'll bet he's not divorced and his wife may not even know. Seen this one before. Many times

 

The honest truth is, if he said he wants me, I would seriously consider leaving my husband. Life's short, and I believe you should follow your heart. Although obviously it would be an agonising decision and it would kill me for my kids.

 

You've already left. Your H, kids, family are already destroyed they just don't know yet

 

Has anyone else been through this with an old flame or their first love, and got advice on how I should handle this?? I'm so scared I'm going to bring everything crashing down!

 

Many thanks x

 

This happens all the time here. Nothing special.

[Cephalopod]

Are your using birth control with this guy? If not what are your plans when you get pregnant. Will you pass the baby off as your husband's or get an abortion?

 

Does the other man make more income than your husband?

 

Is he better looking and better in bed than your husband?

[Doorstopper]

A year from now, the "one that got away" may be your current husband, while you stop and wonder WTF you did to your life.

 

BTW, He said he's been dating for 1.5 yrs and is currently divorcing; Are you sure he hasn't had a couple of affairs in the last 1.5 years and is currently "happily" married?

 

There is a portion of the male population (married and single) that will say anything, when the results could be a night in the sack with a pretty woman.

[Overtaxed]

I'll bet he's not divorced and his wife may not even know. Seen this one before. Many times

 

I alluded to this, you said it directly, and it's important enough to be quoted again, IMHO. There's a VERY good chance that he leaves you, drives home, walks through the door and acts like he just had a rough day at work. And then has sex with his wife 3 hours after he had it with you.

 

You should have heard how my wife's AP talked about his wife. You'd think she was a reborn Genghis Khan. He was leaving her, she was doing nothing for him, they hadn't had sex in 5 decades (that last one is made up, but he did claim they never had sex). Well, then I chat with the W after D-day. Things were happy at home, they had sex pretty frequently, and she had NO IDEA that he was the least bit unhappy. Happens ALL THE TIME.

 

Most likely, you leave your husband to be with him full time. He ditches you. Next most likely, he does leave his wife and your together full time. You have a 10% chance of that leading to happy lifelong marriage. The odds aren't stacked against you, they are ridiculous; nobody with a brain would take those kinds of odds, no matter how "magical" the other person is. That person is magical because of the forbidden nature of it, the fact that you're always "at your best" when you see him (and same for him to you). It's not magic, there's no person out there who's really that wonderful, trust me, I've been through more than my share. You pick one and, unless they are just awful, you don't give up on it.

[d0nnivain]

You have a good solid marriage & two great kids yet you want to trash all that for a childhood fantasy. You have absolutely no idea who this old flame is as an adult. Too many years have passed. He's divorcing his wife. He's probably not in a great place to start a new relationship now. You are flattering his ego.

 

 

Why are you going to give up something that was otherwise good for some childhood pipe dream that probably isn't real? You want to date the carefree guy you remember from childhood. It's a FANTASY.

 

 

Yes, life is short but that is no reason to destroy the lives of your kids so you can go off on some wild hair. Think about this logically, like the mature mother you are not the schoolgirl you were.

[GoldenR]

Divorce your H asap and give him sole custody. You won't need spousal support bc your wonderful OM will support you, right? Your H deserves better and you don't deserve him or your kids. And if you can seriously say you aren't taking time away from your kids to facilitate your A, you're deluding only yourself, bc no one here will believe that.

[NTV]

What do you want to do?

[Overtaxed]

A year from now, the "one that got away" may be your current husband, while you stop and wonder WTF you did to your life.

 

BTW, He said he's been dating for 1.5 yrs and is currently divorcing; Are you sure he hasn't had a couple of affairs in the last 1.5 years and is currently "happily" married?

 

There is a portion of the male population (married and single) that will say anything, when the results could be a night in the sack with a pretty woman.

 

If by a "portion" you mean "most of us", I'm right there with you. Couple in the fact that he's married and engaging in an A, the chances are very, very high that he's one of those guys who will say anything to get a woman naked. Notice I didn't say "you naked". Guys like this, especially from your description (high status, wealthy, good looking), don't do this once. They don't do even do it "one at a time". I know, men are awful. And I'm one of them, and I did some truly unthinkable things to have sex with women years ago. And I wasn't even as bad as some I know (I've been faithful in my marriage).

[Imajerk17]

I feel sick about what I'm doing to my husband (and by association the boys). I've never ever considered infidelity before - this is literally the only man in the world I'd do it for because I consider him the 'one that got away'. I feel like I can't resist him, and that I still love him and want him to love me back and finally be with me (especially as he is now single).

 

The honest truth is, if he said he wants me, I would seriously consider leaving my husband. Life's short, and I believe you should follow your heart. Although obviously it would be an agonising decision and it would kill me for my kids.

 

Has anyone else been through this with an old flame or their first love, and got advice on how I should handle this?? I'm so scared I'm going to bring everything crashing down!

 

Many thanks x

Yes, I do have advice. You should first at least tell your husband what is up. Don't be surprised if you feel much much differently than you do now once he knows.

 

Beware though, he might end up making some decisions for you, by kicking you out himself, leaving you free to go off with your old flame.

 

I also wonder, if you and your first love were truly "meant to be", why did you break off with your first love in the first place. And why didn't you find each other much earlier than so recently?

[TheWoman]

Gosh, Im so sorry to say this but I think you are going to get hurt really badly.

When it happens, think about your little boys and try to put them first.

 

Good luck x

[somanymistakes]

On the one hand, I am still a fairytale adherent of first love. Anyone following my history knows that. I've heard all the pat answers of 'oh you don't really know them' 'oh you just miss your childhood' and I know perfectly well they're overly simplistic and often don't apply at all, they're just standard "wisdom" people drag out to try and enforce the status quo.

 

On the other hand - the situation you're in has disaster written all over it. You are making, and have already made, a terrible mistake.

 

Of course this guy was "thrilled" to hear from you - he's in a position where he's eager to get laid by a lot of women, and he didn't even have to work to land you, you pretty much dropped yourself into his lap! He went STRAIGHT to meeting up, he knew exactly what he was going for. He's apparently had many girlfriends while married, he's a seasoned cheater. As mentioned you don't even know if he's really getting a divorce or not, but even if he is, he's made it pretty clear to you that he's playing the field at the moment. You say if he wants you - the guy hasn't even promised you that he loves you?? Well, points to him for honesty, but otherwise... What are you thinking???

 

This is not your one true love. This is the Hottie From High School. He's still hot. But he doesn't love you, he doesn't want to help or support you. He's enjoying your attention but I suspect as soon as you become a burden to him he'll move on.

 

If you want to convince me that I'm wrong, tell me - what went wrong between you, why haven't you seen each other in 25 years, has there been ANY contact between you in that time before now? And why did you marry your husband? These are serious questions, I love a good romantic story, if you can sell me on your sweeping passion I'll eat it up. But right now, what I'm seeing is nothing but itchy panties.

[aileD]

You're going to DESTROY YOUR FAMILY for a guy playing the field after his divorce ?

 

 

This isn't high school anymore

 

 

Wake the hell up and get your head out of the clouds

[aileD]

Oh and do a little research. "Divorc-ING" usually means "well I want a divorce but I haven't told my wife that yet "

[Jersey born raised]

I heard a co-worker tell a woman "I'm not married, but my wife is". What an ass.

[aliveagain]

Perhaps you should read Allregrets post on here called "Never Again" before you totally destroy your life. What's so great about a guy that will fu*k another man's wife, guess that won't matter much to a woman that cheats on her husband and children. Maybe you deserve each other, just can't imagine how you will ever feel safe with each other if you end up together. If the sex is good enough who cares right? Hope the sex stays good because your selling your soul for it.

[Marc878]

Read up

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/621446-never-again

[Overtaxed]

I heard a co-worker tell a woman "I'm not married, but my wife is". What an ass.

 

I've heard this dozens of times. I used to laugh it off. Now it's a lot less funny (after my wife's A).

[AngelBlue75]

Wow, wasn't expecting all those responses so quickly! Thank you

 

Feels like it's a pretty unanimous message to close this affair down ASAP, and I know it's the right thing to do. I just can't think straight with all the hormones going off right now...

 

To answer your questions:

 

My relationship with my husband is great - he's a really good guy and a lovely dad. We've been under some financial strain in the past 3 years or so which of course is Real Life. Like most people, the attraction and excitement has waned somewhat over the years and if I'm honest I'm probably a little bored.

 

As for my old flame, he has definitely been apart from his wife for 1.5 years, but the marriage was in trouble for a couple of years before that. They live in separate flats and their kids live half the time with each. He is a great dad and has a very strong relationship with them. The divorce has taken a while to negotiate but was completed last month.

 

He's had 3 relationships since then, all of whom he met on dating apps. He is about to finish with someone he's been seeing for 5 or 6 months (who to be fair sounds like a bit of a high maintenance nightmare).

 

I totally get what everyone is saying about him being a post-divorce womaniser. I think it's because we have a shared history, and we've both acknowledged how rare it is to have such a great connection twice in our lives that makes me think maybe he has feelings for me that are a bit different to some woman he meets on Tinder. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm being naive.

 

As for our old relationship, we were 16 and 17, it lasted 6 months. He was my first love (and he told me at the time repeatedly how much he loved me) but he told me this time round that he doesn't remember much about it - he says he probably did love me, but once he moved on "to be a teenager" (i.e. go out with as many girls as he could) he never gave it a second thought.

 

I know how this sounds and you're going to tell me I'm deluded. But feelings are complex and these ones were deep and have been buried all this time - literally my only secret in life! I am going to find it very difficult to cut this man off, but it's the right thing to do.

[aileD]

Well whatever you don't sound too convinced you're actually going to stop the affair.

 

You're falling into the cliche "our affair feelings are different then all other affairs, we're the exception to the rule, our love is unique" trap that's just a normal part of affairs and not true at all

 

Not something you will get past till you first destroy your life then and only then will you see how not special it was . Nothing we can tell you will make you see different.

 

I feel bad for your husband. Sounds like you have a pretty normal if not great marriage and your selfishness is going to ruin that.

 

Good luck with everything. Don't even know if I can respond to this post anymore because I know where it's going and how this is going to end and it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion, too depressing to see another poster make the same stupid mistakes

[somanymistakes]

The best I can say about him is that at least he isn't trying to mislead you. He seems pretty clear with you that you are NOT his great lost love, he doesn't particularly remember you, he liked dating lots of chicks, and he likes dating lots of chicks now.

 

He thinks you're hot. You think he's hot. That's fine for a fling if you were both single, but you're not.

 

If he loved you and wanted a serious relationship with you, would he be meeting you for secret dates and hopping into bed with you instead of trying to woo you out of your marriage? There's a lot of men who think married women are the perfect no-strings sexual partner because the women can't make too many demands or stick around too long.

 

I think it's because we have a shared history, and we've both acknowledged how rare it is to have such a great connection twice in our lives that makes me think maybe he has feelings for me that are a bit different to some woman he meets on Tinder.

 

Again, this says to me that he hasn't said ANYTHING about feelings at all, and you're just trying to convince yourself that deep down he secretly cares, in order to justify sleeping with him. But he's probably just in this for fun.

 

You're bored, your relationship feels wearying, and you're being swayed by the excitement of that hot guy you could never forget. It's an understandable weakness. But everyone, yourself included, is destined to get hurt here.