Married but falling again for my first love - !!!

[Marc878]

It's great until it implodes and you have to look your H, kids, other family and friends in the eyes.

[NTV]

If feelings are that important... how are your kids gonna feel when your husband finds out and divorces you?

[Eight]

Stop now.

Stop all communication with him. Focus on what has led you to make such poor decisions. It starts with you.

 

The other posters here have given you top notch advice.

 

Again. I have experienced this situation with my HS boyfriend, also 25 years later and unless you divorce your husband and your HS boyfriend shows you his divorce papers you should have no further contact with each other. Ironclad No Contact.

 

You've already gone past where you could have stopped and saved yourself a world of hurt. This will be something that will permenantly scar you emotionally and your husband, forever, I'm sorry to say.

 

But like an idiot, I too thought he and I were special snowflakes and that "life is too short to not follow your heart." I realized too late how I had no boundaries, no coping skills, was selfish and bored and was seeking love and attention from the wrong people in the wrong ways. Lucky for me, my husband was/is willing to give me a chance to be the person I want to be for us, him and myself. It's a painful and life changing new reality.

 

All you can do now is come clean in your marriage and try to rebuild your integrity. Either way, it is not with this HS boyfriend.

 

When this fog lifts you will see what a disaster this was. It's the same story over and over here, unfortunately.

[harrybrown]

Tell your husband today that you have an open marriage.

 

You opened it without telling him, so he can go out with anyone he wants.

 

Tell him how much you love the OM.

 

He might help you so that you could just leave and go spend all your time with the OM and you would get what you want.

 

Just leave your kids with your H, because the OM will not care for them to come with you.

 

Everybody will be happy.

 

Be sure to tell your H today how you opened the marriage, but forgot to tell him.

[BluesPower]

Wow, wasn't expecting all those responses so quickly! Thank you

 

Feels like it's a pretty unanimous message to close this affair down ASAP, and I know it's the right thing to do. I just can't think straight with all the hormones going off right now...

 

To answer your questions:

 

My relationship with my husband is great - he's a really good guy and a lovely dad. We've been under some financial strain in the past 3 years or so which of course is Real Life. Like most people, the attraction and excitement has waned somewhat over the years and if I'm honest I'm probably a little bored.

 

As for my old flame, he has definitely been apart from his wife for 1.5 years, but the marriage was in trouble for a couple of years before that. They live in separate flats and their kids live half the time with each. He is a great dad and has a very strong relationship with them. The divorce has taken a while to negotiate but was completed last month.

 

He's had 3 relationships since then, all of whom he met on dating apps. He is about to finish with someone he's been seeing for 5 or 6 months (who to be fair sounds like a bit of a high maintenance nightmare).

 

I totally get what everyone is saying about him being a post-divorce womaniser. I think it's because we have a shared history, and we've both acknowledged how rare it is to have such a great connection twice in our lives that makes me think maybe he has feelings for me that are a bit different to some woman he meets on Tinder. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm being naive.

 

As for our old relationship, we were 16 and 17, it lasted 6 months. He was my first love (and he told me at the time repeatedly how much he loved me) but he told me this time round that he doesn't remember much about it - he says he probably did love me, but once he moved on "to be a teenager" (i.e. go out with as many girls as he could) he never gave it a second thought.

 

I know how this sounds and you're going to tell me I'm deluded. But feelings are complex and these ones were deep and have been buried all this time - literally my only secret in life! I am going to find it very difficult to cut this man off, but it's the right thing to do.

 

Sweety, please listen to me...

 

You have already betrayed the man that you loved and chose to have a marriage and children with.

 

As a former womanizer, darling this is what is happening to you. You still have your looks, he knows that you love him, frankly at that stage of my life I would be banging you as well.

 

You think that love you had at 16 can ever be rekindled. It can't. It never will be the same, it simply cannot be.

 

The sex is great because you are having delusional feelings for him. The sex is great because you are getting some strange from a man that you are not picking up his socks for him or cleaning his dirty underwear. The sex is good because you both know how to have sex now that you are older. The sex is good because you are having an affair.

 

You know, in my life, I have hurt a lot of woman, a lot. I finally get a conscience and realized what I was doing. How bad they were hurting. This guy has not figured that out yet or he is a sociopath or both.

 

Good men do not do what he is doing. Good me do what your husband is doing. Loving you and your children. Taking care of his family.

 

This is how you have chosen to repay your husband and how you have chosen to treat your kids. I know that right now you think the secret dates are really ok. You are sleeping with your true love so it is ok.

 

You really, and please listen, you have no idea how this will tear up your family. You think you do, but you have not. When your husband finds out, and he will, the look in his eyes will crush your sole, because you will be crushing his. You will never ever understand it until you see it. Ask the other wayward wives on LS. Your husband already know that something is going on, he just does not know what. I promise you.

 

This guys is a player, and you are being played.

 

If you think he is in love, try this. Tell him you are divorcing your husband and you want to move in with him as soon as possible.

 

In fact, tell him that you want to move in tonight because you are leaving your husband and children behind.

 

See what he say and report back...

 

We will talk later.

[Bryanp]

Just curious. How would you feel if your husband was cheating behind your back, disrespecting, and humiliating you and putting your health at risk for STD's on the grounds that he found himself a bit bored and really did not think about his family at all?

What does this say about your ex that apparently could care less that this will destroy your husband and family just so he may have some fun with you? What does this say about him? What does this say about you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Life is not a fairytale...and while our basic persoanlity traits remain...life circumstances does chnage how we perceive things and how we react to things.

 

This man...your first love...has changed...and so have you. Hopefully you both have matured and become responsible adults.

 

You are in love with a memory...one that you have enhanced in your mind many times over for the past 25 years.

 

I would ask you...if this situation were reversed...if it were your husband telling you that he contacted his "first love"....how would you feel? and be honest.

 

Your husband had fathered your children...he has gone thrpugh the ups and downs pf life all of these years with you...he has stood by your side as your partner. Does he deserve this kind of disrespect?

 

Let me share with you a story...my husbands mother died....and less than a year later his father informed us that he was marrying his first love. We may have rejoiced in his new happiness...had he not said it was hsi first love. Instead...it caused distance between him and and his children....because in their mind...now their mother was his second choice. The damage was never repaired.

 

Your children...will be affected by your decisions and choices....and will most probably harbor resentment toward you for the damage you are considering doing to your family.

 

Please think twice about this....please consider that a memory....is often not reality....and could very well be a huge mistake you can never repair.

[Cephalopod]

Tell your husband. He deserves the truth and deserves to move on and find a woman who truly desires him and will love him, even when life gets boring and predictable.

 

In many ways, your betrayal is of the worst kind, because it is needless. You didn't betray your husband because he neglected you or treated you badly or was bad with money or because there was tons of stress and conflict in your marriage.

 

You did it because you wanted to... and you have a willing partner. It really is so sad.

[BaileyB]

I think it's because we have a shared history, and we've both acknowledged how rare it is to have such a great connection twice in our lives that makes me think maybe he has feelings for me that are a bit different to some woman he meets on Tinder.

 

As for our old relationship, we were 16 and 17, it lasted 6 months. He was my first love (and he told me at the time repeatedly how much he loved me) but he told me this time round that he doesn't remember much about it - he says he probably did love me, but once he moved on "to be a teenager" (i.e. go out with as many girls as he could) he never gave it a second thought.

 

So in other words, he was your first love and it made such an impression on him that he doesn't really remember it.

 

You are absolutely falling for the delusional trap "but we are different, we are star crossed lovers and our affair is meant to be..." Truth is, you are not different. This is someone that you once knew, with whom you have built a fantasy in your mind, and now you have chosen to hurt a good man who loves you and is a good father to your children... You have chosen to destroy your children's family and for what... A fantasy, a man with whom your "first love" was so meaningful that he doesn't even remember.

 

I hope you come to your senses before you do more damage than you've already done to the people who love you...

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[aliveagain]

I strongly agree with you, your deluded.

[QuietDan]

What ever you do, be honest, be transparent. Your husbsnd deserves to know the facts so he can make informed decisions. He needs to know the truth and the facts so he will be able to properly interpret all of the changes that have and will occur in his life and his family. By now, he may realize something isn't quite right anymore.

[Darren Steez]

I am going to find it very difficult to cut this man off

 

lol you literally just found this man on social media after many years, but you make it sound he's chained to you.

 

As long as you stop melodrama'ing everything and snap back to reality you'll be fine.

 

Plus a man willing to cheat with a married woman with kids sounds like a winner...but hey flowers and unicorns:)

[BaileyB]

Indeed! Any many willing to sleep with another man's wife is definitely not a prize!

 

He must have thought it was his lucky day when when you contacted him... He's having fun playing the field... and you just fell right into his lap. And now, you have pretty much promised to separate your family and devote yourself to him...

 

To me, this relationship sounds pretty one sided. You shouldn't really have a difficult time cutting him off - just look into your husband's eyes or at your adoring children's smiling faces...

Edited April 20, 2017 by BaileyB

[QuietDan]

Wow, wasn't expecting all those responses so quickly! Thank you

 

Feels like it's a pretty unanimous message to close this affair down ASAP, and I know it's the right thing to do. I just can't think straight with all the hormones going off right now...

 

To answer your questions:

 

My relationship with my husband is great - he's a really good guy and a lovely dad. We've been under some financial strain in the past 3 years or so which of course is Real Life. Like most people, the attraction and excitement has waned somewhat over the years and if I'm honest I'm probably a little bored.

 

As for my old flame, he has definitely been apart from his wife for 1.5 years, but the marriage was in trouble for a couple of years before that. They live in separate flats and their kids live half the time with each. He is a great dad and has a very strong relationship with them. The divorce has taken a while to negotiate but was completed last month.

 

He's had 3 relationships since then, all of whom he met on dating apps. He is about to finish with someone he's been seeing for 5 or 6 months (who to be fair sounds like a bit of a high maintenance nightmare).

 

I totally get what everyone is saying about him being a post-divorce womaniser. I think it's because we have a shared history, and we've both acknowledged how rare it is to have such a great connection twice in our lives that makes me think maybe he has feelings for me that are a bit different to some woman he meets on Tinder. I'm sure you'll tell me I'm being naive.

 

As for our old relationship, we were 16 and 17, it lasted 6 months. He was my first love (and he told me at the time repeatedly how much he loved me) but he told me this time round that he doesn't remember much about it - he says he probably did love me, but once he moved on "to be a teenager" (i.e. go out with as many girls as he could) he never gave it a second thought.

 

I know how this sounds and you're going to tell me I'm deluded. But feelings are complex and these ones were deep and have been buried all this time - literally my only secret in life! I am going to find it very difficult to cut this man off, but it's the right thing to do.

 

I suspect, all will become clear, you will know your true feelings, what is real, and not real, when you tell your husband, or, he finds out by some other means.

When you see the look in his eyes, and hear his voice, your true feelings for your husband will be known to you. In that moment, I anticipate that you will find out how much you really love the Other Man.

[BTDT2012]

As for our old relationship, we were 16 and 17, it lasted 6 months. He was my first love (and he told me at the time repeatedly how much he loved me) but he told me this time round that he doesn't remember much about it - he says he probably did love me, but once he moved on "to be a teenager" (i.e. go out with as many girls as he could) he never gave it a second thought.

 

So, are you really willing to implode your current life for "the one who got away", except that the 6 months you spent together didn't leave much of an impression on him.

 

He is about to finish with someone he's been seeing for 5 or 6 months

Oh really?

[Jersey born raised]

So will you tell your husband ? Do you think he is so clueless and unconnected he has not noticed something is off? Must likely right now he is thinking it is just a phase it has been a really hard three years, thank god we stuck it out. Have many of these things would your answer be yes:

 

 

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that Husband wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with husband

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for husband*

Edited April 20, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[bubbaganoosh]

The real kicker is that you say you really love your husband but still sleep around with this "Love of your life". So why is it that you haven't picked up and left yet?

 

Seems to me that you want your cake and eat it. Want the home life and surroundings with your family, go through the motions and in the process stab your husband in the back every time your with this guy. So how many times have you plunged the knife in his back?

 

Hate to say this but your a very selfish woman and the day will come when you find out that if you want to dance to the music, you'll have to pay the piper. Wouldn't want to be you when that happens especially when this affair is nothing but a pipe dream with a guy from many years ago who isn't the same person he was back then and if he has any brains in his big head, do you think he's going want to settle down with a women who blatantly cheats on her husband and not wonder if she does this so easily that she would do the same to him? Good luck

[oldlion]

When I read a story like yours I just wonder how someone who is suppose to be grown and mature can get so deluded and lost in LaLa Land with the rainbows and unicorns. I have four principles I go by in life: Honor, Integrity, Loyalty, and Commitment. I am sorry to say you are failing in all four. You are lying to the one person you should never lie to, your husband. You are a thief because you are stealing from your marriage and giving to someone else. You say your AP has been in 3 relationships in the last 1.5 years. You are number 4. And when he finishes with you, and he will finish with you, you can bet your soul there will be a number 5 and 6 and etc. With what integrity you have left, tell your husband so that he can start a new life after this present one has imploded. And even if you don't tell him he will find out. It may take a day or years but he will find out. 99% of the time they find out. Your are living a fantasy that will soon become a reality but not in the way you hope. That kind, loving husband you had will become a broken, hurt and angry man. You have destroyed something you can never get back. Believe me when I tell you that 10 years from now you will look back with regret and say, "What in the blue heaven was I thinking." I do wish you well but I don't think it will happen.

Edited April 21, 2017 by oldlion

[QuietDan]

My husband & I have been happily married for 10 years and have 2 young sons. However I've held a secret flame for my first love all these years, despite not seeing him since we were 17 (25 years ago).

 

I recently got in touch with him on social media because curiosity got the better of me. He was thrilled to hear from me and suggested we meet up for a drink. He is still gorgeous, funny, clever and very successful - the connection and chemistry between us was off the charts.

 

Turns out he is also currently divorcing his wife (he has 2 kids similar age) and has had a couple of girlfriends in the last 1.5 years, but nothing serious. We've since had a few secret dates and have been flirting and even done some sexting. By date #4, we were sleeping together, which was amazing.

 

I feel sick about what I'm doing to my husband (and by association the boys). I've never ever considered infidelity before - this is literally the only man in the world I'd do it for because I consider him the 'one that got away'. I feel like I can't resist him, and that I still love him and want him to love me back and finally be with me (especially as he is now single).

 

The honest truth is, if he said he wants me, I would seriously consider leaving my husband. Life's short, and I believe you should follow your heart. Although obviously it would be an agonising decision and it would kill me for my kids.

 

Has anyone else been through this with an old flame or their first love, and got advice on how I should handle this?? I'm so scared I'm going to bring everything crashing down!

 

Many thanks x

A very sad story this is already.

Please listen to all that have something to say here.

Some will be useful, some will not, some you will get, some you will not.

With any luck, and some open honest self reflection, you will have an ah-ha moment or two.

Those that write here, those that witness here, are both Betrayed and Waywards.

Do not be surprised if your harshest critics are former Waywards.

They have been in your shoes, have witness the devastation of their folly, have witnessed and lived through the painful road that you have started walking down.

 

A word to the Wise....

Still romantic and hopeful enough, I am, still foolish enough to believe that just maybe, you might be the one to hear...

 

After reading too many of these tales of woe and misery,

you are still early on in this adventure, just getting into the opening chapter of this tale.

Confess.

You have a much better chance to start a new relationship with your husband and build a new marriage from the ground up.

Your current marriage is dead.

At best, you are in the rotting corpse of a zombie marriage now.

Or, just finish it off, then you can start a new life, and chase after the one that got away.

Just be honest and move forward through this process.

[SydCar]

You really need to take a good look at yourself and the POSOM.

 

 

First of all you need to realise that he is a complete and utter sleaze ball scumbag - not charming, clever and funny like you said. He broke up with his wife and is now in the process of cheating with a married woman with kids and does not think anything of blowing up somebody else's marriage. Surely you must see what he is really.

 

 

Secondly you have become a bad person too - you slept with a sleaze ball because you are bored and once had a thing for this sleaze ball.

 

The best thing you could do is to come clean to your husband, have him checked for STD's and give him an amicable divorce and if possible, complete custody of the kids. This is if you want what's best for him and your kids.

 

And no, my advice is not to break up your affair with the sleaze ball - I think you should stay with him because life is short and the karma bus is vicious sometimes. So enjoy yourself.

[AngelBlue75]

Thanks for your honest opinions, a real mix of empathy and harshness, which I know I deserve. I have never posted on a forum before so have been both surprised and distressed by the reaction.

 

I know now that I will cut this man off, in spite of my feelings. I have met him 5 times, and had full sex once. The whole 'affair' has lasted about 2 months.

 

I would like to ask you all though why the overwhelming opinion is to tell my husband?? I'm sure you will crucify me here... but I would have to say that I disagree.

 

My husband and I are still great friends and getting on just fine. We have had some jokes about my 40-something 'mid-life crisis' (yes, I have done a few things on that list, like buy new clothes and get an ear piercing!) but we are basically good. We very rarely argue and are very stable.

 

I know it is not ideal, but I do think that sometimes complete and utter honesty is NOT the best policy. I think I can live with my mistake (I have held a flame for this guy for 25 years and not told a soul) and I prefer not to devastate my husband and children and ruin 13 years together if I don't have to.

 

I know this must sound cowardly and deceptive... and please go easy on me... I just wonder if there's anyone who thinks this is actually a sensible, practical way forward out of this mess?

[GoldenR]

Why tell? Many reasons....

 

First and foremost, at this point he should be given the respect he's due to decide if HE wants to stay with YOU. You are no longer what he thinks you are. Your marriage is no longer sacred as he thinks it is. His life is a lie.

 

Second, because it always comes out. Read some threads here....you'll see. If you confess, the chances are higher that he'll stay. If he finds out on his own, chances are your marriage is done for. Also, the more time that passes between your A and when he finds out, the greater the disconnect between the two of you (in your mind, you've been faithful the past 'X' years, so why is he obsessing? In his mind, it's as fresh as his morning coffee). He will feel he's been living a lie. You'll feel you've had some great years. As a result, the bigger the disconnect, the more chance of a resulting D.

 

And lastly, because you've done enough for you, haven't you? Do for him this time. Do the right thing.

[aileD]

This is why you tell your husband

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/620446-my-husband-found-out-about-my-affair

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband and I are still great friends and getting on just fine. We have had some jokes about my 40-something 'mid-life crisis' (yes, I have done a few things on that list, like buy new clothes and get an ear piercing!) but we are basically good. We very rarely argue and are very stable.

 

AngelBlue75, don't you see some contradiction between your self-described good marriage and your willingness to jump into bed with this guy ?

 

You seem to have absolved yourself of all responsibility for maintaining your half of the relationship. And so your reaction to boredom was to track this guy on social media, chase him down and sleep with him. While this happens, hubby waits at home wondering what extra he can do to address your mid-life crisis and by reflection dissatisfaction with him.

 

Don't know if your H deserves the truth about the affair. But he should know who and what kind of person he's planning on spending the rest of his life with. That's the least we do for our "great friends"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[QuietDan]

Thanks for your honest opinions, a real mix of empathy and harshness, which I know I deserve. I have never posted on a forum before so have been both surprised and distressed by the reaction.

 

I know now that I will cut this man off, in spite of my feelings. I have met him 5 times, and had full sex once. The whole 'affair' has lasted about 2 months.

 

I would like to ask you all though why the overwhelming opinion is to tell my husband?? I'm sure you will crucify me here... but I would have to say that I disagree.

 

My husband and I are still great friends and getting on just fine. We have had some jokes about my 40-something 'mid-life crisis' (yes, I have done a few things on that list, like buy new clothes and get an ear piercing!) but we are basically good. We very rarely argue and are very stable.

 

I know it is not ideal, but I do think that sometimes complete and utter honesty is NOT the best policy. I think I can live with my mistake (I have held a flame for this guy for 25 years and not told a soul) and I prefer not to devastate my husband and children and ruin 13 years together if I don't have to.

 

I know this must sound cowardly and deceptive... and please go easy on me... I just wonder if there's anyone who thinks this is actually a sensible, practical way forward out of this mess?

 

"Great friends" is debatable now.

Affairs add a lot of bricks to the wall of separation and disconnect.

Unless you tear it down, more bricks will be added to it.

 

"We have had some jokes about my 40-something 'mid-life crisis' (yes, I have done a few things on that list, like buy new clothes and get an ear piercing!) but we are basically good."

 

This tells me he is probable very suspicious about this already.

Sometimes, "joking", is a semi somewhat non-confrontational way to test the waters. A bit of a warning shot across the bow to let you know he has noticed, he is suspicious. He is watching you to see what your reaction is and if you change your ways.

In this case, joking about it, probable not a good thing.

He may be waiting to see if you care enough about the marriage to step and try to save it.

On second thought, it may be a good thing, he might be giving you and opportunity to step up and do the right thing.

Edited April 21, 2017 by QuietDan