Married but falling again for my first love - !!!

[Owl6118]

yep

 

I have often wondered....do other men and women ever feel any degree of guilt about contributing to the pain the betrayed suffers? Do they ever really consider what they are doing to an innocent person?

 

Do they have a heart at all?

 

At the risk of a t/j, in some cases, yes.

 

I had an emotional affair. It was the stereotypical old flame / first love scenario. Long distance, Internet only, not physical. I felt terribly guilty about the disservice I was doing to her husband. That guilt and my inability to look myself in the eye knowing what I was doing to him was instrumental in helping to end it. Like me he suffered from depression. But instead of supporting his wife, my old friend/first love, in staying with him and beside him through that ordeal, I was tempting her into an emotional engagement with me, making myself into her perfect sounding board so she would pay attention to me, empathize with me, sooth my hurt, distract me from my pain. It was the ****tiest thing I have ever done to another human being.

 

That said, and remebering your story, I doubt any of the same applies to your AP. Other than having been horrible people to people who did nothing to deserve it, I doubt he and I have much in common.

 

End t/j.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Angel, isn't it ironic that you have used the moniker Angel and yet been anything but angelic! Also that you have come to a forum like this one and divulged your sordid story to a whole bunch of anonymous folk but have not had the courage to divulge that same story to the one person who matters in your life, your husband. Can you sleep comfortably next to him in bed and make love(?) to him and look him in the eye without batting an eyelid? Just imagine if the roles were reversed and your husband was the one having a physical affair and you somehow got to know of it. How would you feel?

 

You have opened up your marriage but done it unilaterally. Give your husband a fighting chance. Let him also go have an affair with some young female in his office or elsewhere so that he can get his rocks off too and maybe decide that she is the one for him and that he can discard you like yesterday's newspaper. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

[AngelBlue75]

Hi Angel, isn't it ironic that you have used the moniker Angel and yet been anything but angelic! Also that you have come to a forum like this one and divulged your sordid story to a whole bunch of anonymous folk but have not had the courage to divulge that same story to the one person who matters in your life, your husband.

 

Give your husband a fighting chance. Let him also go have an affair with some young female in his office or elsewhere so that he can get his rocks off too and maybe decide that she is the one for him and that he can discard you like yesterday's newspaper. Just think about it. Warm wishes.

 

 

This will be my last post on here. Really appreciate those (the majority) that have offered helpful advice without judging too much.

 

But I will not put up with gratuitously rude and abusive comments - just not cool. No-one's perfect, we're all humans that sometimes fail - that's why most of us are here, right?

 

I believe I have been polite here and taken on board the advice given - to the point that I have ended my affair and am now thoroughly broken hearted. Job done, right everyone??

 

So to those forum lurkers who clearly enjoy feeding off other people's pain and distress by throwing it back in their faces, to make themselves feel better about themselves - enjoy your 'perfect' lives. Let's hope you never ever make a single mistake, because the karma you've got coming to you won't be pretty. I'm outta here.

[Marc878]

Good luck to you

[BluesPower]

This will be my last post on here. Really appreciate those (the majority) that have offered helpful advice without judging too much.

 

But I will not put up with gratuitously rude and abusive comments - just not cool. No-one's perfect, we're all humans that sometimes fail - that's why most of us are here, right?

 

I believe I have been polite here and taken on board the advice given - to the point that I have ended my affair and am now thoroughly broken hearted. Job done, right everyone??

 

So to those forum lurkers who clearly enjoy feeding off other people's pain and distress by throwing it back in their faces, to make themselves feel better about themselves - enjoy your 'perfect' lives. Let's hope you never ever make a single mistake, because the karma you've got coming to you won't be pretty. I'm outta here.

 

Sorry you feel that way. Try not to take comments so hard.

 

I think you are doing the right thing and I am proud of you. You should be proud of yourself.

 

And guys I do think some have been a little hard on some of these folks.

 

For me, it is not like I have not made a host of mistakes in my life.

 

Try to post back and let us know how you are doing. Many of us really care.

 

And again, you are doing the right thing...

[Overtaxed]

This will be my last post on here. Really appreciate those (the majority) that have offered helpful advice without judging too much.

 

But I will not put up with gratuitously rude and abusive comments - just not cool. No-one's perfect, we're all humans that sometimes fail - that's why most of us are here, right?

 

I believe I have been polite here and taken on board the advice given - to the point that I have ended my affair and am now thoroughly broken hearted. Job done, right everyone??

 

So to those forum lurkers who clearly enjoy feeding off other people's pain and distress by throwing it back in their faces, to make themselves feel better about themselves - enjoy your 'perfect' lives. Let's hope you never ever make a single mistake, because the karma you've got coming to you won't be pretty. I'm outta here.

 

Angel, you should give this board more of a chance. I'm a BH, and in my story thread, I was actually attacked by some posters (or it felt that way to me at the time) telling me that I was too controlling and, to me, felt like I "deserved it" (is what they were saying). There was a string of about 10 posts that said some variant of that; I read it (about 7 days out from D-day if I remember correctly) and something in me nearly snapped. Logged off, went to bed. Came back in the morning to about 10 new posts that were "What the hell is wrong with you people, this is a BS in pain, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT".

 

You will get good advice here and bad advice. Some people here feel D is the only answer. Some feel everyone should try to R. Filter those opinions that don't help, and keep those that do. This board has been very helpful to me in my efforts to R, and I think it may be to you as well; but you have to have a thicker skin; you'll need it for the R process anyway, think of this as getting you ready for what you'll be going through.

 

No matter what you choose, best of luck to you.

[deadsoul]

Ending an A is tough. You really did the right thing. Do not have any contact, you'll be right back into it again. So it really doesn't matter what his response was. Your focus is you right now. Heal you.

 

It hurts. I promise it gets easier. Start IC if you haven't already. Find out what you really want. It's not an easy road, whatever you choose.

 

Good luck.

 

So I told my AP today that I can't do this anymore, that I'm angry with myself for letting it get this far and that I can't hurt my husband and kids. Also told him that he's not just a booty call for me and that our connection on every level has been surprising and that - in another life - I'm sure we'd have something pretty special.

 

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family. He then asked if we meet for a drink, because: "we totally connect and there is a reason things happen. Perhaps we are destined to become close friends? We need to chat about what happened at least".

 

I told him I can't be his friend, and much as I want to see him and talk about it, it's too intoxicating for me when I see him.

 

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way? I know with my head I've done the right thing, but my heart is aching and I feel so sad right now.

[Life lessons]

I just finished reading your thread and great job in ending the affair.

 

I know that was difficult and it will continue to prove difficult. It's not easy! It's an addiction! We strive on the excitement and feelings that the affair brings.

 

Please be careful because you can be pulled back into the affair so very easily....even if you don't think you can be....trust me on this....it's so easy to be pulled back into the affair.

 

The affair is an addiction! Addictions are difficult to fight, but the only way for your marriage to work, is to fight this like any other addiction.

 

I, like you, have not confessed to my husband. I will probably never confess and I can only hope that he's never made aware of it!

 

I understand your reasoning, if you opt to not confess. Confession is your choice. Many here, on LS, will tell you to confess, and I do understand their thinking but you know your husband better than any of us here and you know what's best for you and your family.

 

I do wish you luck....again, be careful because an affair is much to easy to start back up! Keep NC! Also you done great in informing the OM that you're unable to be friends. That was definitely the right choice!

[Imajerk17]

I just finished reading your thread and great job in ending the affair.

 

I know that was difficult and it will continue to prove difficult. It's not easy! It's an addiction! We strive on the excitement and feelings that the affair brings.

 

Please be careful because you can be pulled back into the affair so very easily....even if you don't think you can be....trust me on this....it's so easy to be pulled back into the affair.

 

The affair is an addiction! Addictions are difficult to fight, but the only way for your marriage to work, is to fight this like any other addiction.

 

I, like you, have not confessed to my husband. I will probably never confess and I can only hope that he's never made aware of it!

 

I understand your reasoning, if you opt to not confess. Confession is your choice. Many here, on LS, will tell you to confess, and I do understand their thinking but you know your husband better than any of us here and you know what's best for you and your family.

 

I do wish you luck....again, be careful because an affair is much to easy to start back up! Keep NC! Also you done great in informing the OM that you're unable to be friends. That was definitely the right choice!

 

What is it with wandering spouses rationalizing their decisions NOT to confess as "knowing what is best for their family". It's just a huge lie people are telling themselves, something that the betrayed spouses would not agree with!

 

I quoted this for a reason tying back to the topic. This is relevant to the OP's situation (both the decision not to tell AND the rationalizations of "knowing what is really best"), because she is taking a huge risk by not confessing . A huge risk for herself but also her husband AND her family. If he DOES find out and not from her, it will really hurt both him AND their family. He will be doubly furious that his spouse was lying to him all this time.

 

And in this situation, it's not some esoteric discussion of right and wrong here. OP's AP knows her full name. He just might end up saying something to someone himself. Meanwhile, maybe someone who knows the OP or her husband saw OP and her AP while out? Even besides that, most of us are bad liars. The secret OP is keeping at her husband will bother her more and more as time goes on, and will likely show.

 

I salute the OP for taking the first step to breaking it off, but it's definitely not over yet. See, (a) she indeed may get pulled back into the affair, as she is missing AP so much, and (b) until her husband knows, her marriage can't really heal. And (a) and (b) are tied together--quite often on here the fog--and the temptation to backslide back into the affair--lifts ONLY after the wandering spouse sees the pain in the betrayed spouse's eyes.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Imajerk17

[bluefeather]

This will be my last post on here. Really appreciate those (the majority) that have offered helpful advice without judging too much.

 

But I will not put up with gratuitously rude and abusive comments - just not cool.

 

People are going to share their opinions on the internet. It's like a podium for the dumb and wise. However, you can report abusive posts by clicking "Alert Us." You can also block them:

 

1. Click on a user-name

2. Click view public profile

3. Click User Lists

4. Click Add to Ignore List

 

You may want to come back here for more help.

[Imajerk17]

I believe I have been polite here and taken on board the advice given - to the point that I have ended my affair and am now thoroughly broken hearted. Job done, right everyone??

 

This post, even more than all the others, illustrates what a bad marriage your husband right now is in, OP, only he doesn't even know it.

 

So you are right now thoroughly broken-hearted over a man who isn't your husband. If you are truly this unhappy, I don't even see how are you going to be able to hide your unhappiness from H. Is he going to have to deal w months of his wife not really being present? Or you trying to fake it (i.e., lying about your emotional state)? Anyway, he will suspect something is up, and will spend a lot of time analysing and even blaming himself, wondering what happened and why things suddenly changed.

 

You really do need to tell H what is going on.

Edited April 25, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Horton]

What is it with wandering spouses rationalizing their decisions NOT to confess as "knowing what is best for their family". It's just a huge lie people are telling themselves, something that the betrayed spouses would not agree with!

 

I quoted this for a reason tying back to the topic. This is relevant to the OP's situation (both the decision not to tell AND the rationalizations of "knowing what is really best"), because she is taking a huge risk by not confessing . A huge risk for herself but also her husband AND her family. If he DOES find out and not from her, it will really hurt both him AND their family. He will be doubly furious that his spouse was lying to him all this time.

 

Exactly. If they knew what was best for their family then how did they find themselves having an affair in the first place? Nobody ever seems to have an answer to that. It's just a bunch of silliness people tell themselves in a vain attempt to reclaim the moral high ground they relinquished when they had an affair. We all know that when we've wronged somebody and we're truly remorseful, we are to confess to the person we've wronged and apologize to them. If somebody has to be retaught stuff they learned in preschool then that person has a problem that goes far deeper than not having proper boundaries in marriage. This is basic kid stuff we're talking about here.

[smi11ie]

You are going to have to talk about it to someone. The OM is the easy option.

 

Some posters have been less than encouraging. You have already made some hard yards. Don't be put off. Do it for yourself.

[BetrayedH]

I have ended my affair and am now thoroughly broken hearted.

 

Are we supposed to cry a river for you here because you lost your boyfriend, when you're married to someone else?

 

Newsflash...you're not entitled to play single when you're married.

 

You have betrayed your husband and clearly have no intention of confessing your "mistake."

[SydCar]

So I told my AP today that I can't do this anymore, that I'm angry with myself for letting it get this far and that I can't hurt my husband and kids. Also told him that he's not just a booty call for me and that our connection on every level has been surprising and that - in another life - I'm sure we'd have something pretty special.

 

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family. He then asked if we meet for a drink, because: "we totally connect and there is a reason things happen. Perhaps we are destined to become close friends? We need to chat about what happened at least".

 

I told him I can't be his friend, and much as I want to see him and talk about it, it's too intoxicating for me when I see him.

 

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way? I know with my head I've done the right thing, but my heart is aching and I feel so sad right now.

 

Absolutely yes! Very skilled player!

 

But well done for stopping the infidelity. I still think that enroute to healing and becoming a better person, you should tell your husband about this - it will help you heal although it might end your marriage.