Married but falling again for my first love - !!!

[Overtaxed]

Sweety, please listen to me...

 

You have already betrayed the man that you loved and chose to have a marriage and children with.

 

As a former womanizer, darling this is what is happening to you. You still have your looks, he knows that you love him, frankly at that stage of my life I would be banging you as well.

 

You think that love you had at 16 can ever be rekindled. It can't. It never will be the same, it simply cannot be.

 

The sex is great because you are having delusional feelings for him. The sex is great because you are getting some strange from a man that you are not picking up his socks for him or cleaning his dirty underwear. The sex is good because you both know how to have sex now that you are older. The sex is good because you are having an affair.

 

You know, in my life, I have hurt a lot of woman, a lot. I finally get a conscience and realized what I was doing. How bad they were hurting. This guy has not figured that out yet or he is a sociopath or both.

 

Good men do not do what he is doing. Good me do what your husband is doing. Loving you and your children. Taking care of his family.

 

This is how you have chosen to repay your husband and how you have chosen to treat your kids. I know that right now you think the secret dates are really ok. You are sleeping with your true love so it is ok.

 

You really, and please listen, you have no idea how this will tear up your family. You think you do, but you have not. When your husband finds out, and he will, the look in his eyes will crush your sole, because you will be crushing his. You will never ever understand it until you see it. Ask the other wayward wives on LS. Your husband already know that something is going on, he just does not know what. I promise you.

 

This guys is a player, and you are being played.

 

If you think he is in love, try this. Tell him you are divorcing your husband and you want to move in with him as soon as possible.

 

In fact, tell him that you want to move in tonight because you are leaving your husband and children behind.

 

See what he say and report back...

 

We will talk later.

 

This, this, so much this.

 

It's funny that Blues and I are in the same place here (we've had our disagreements in other threads), but, man, this looks like we did the Vulcan mind meld. Probably because, like him, I was also an incorrigible womanizer when I was younger, and I know that what he's saying is true, without a shadow of doubt.

 

I'm of the thought that most (90%) of MM entering into A's with MW are playing them; add in the fact that he's a newly divorced (or on his way), I'm pretty sure that number moves up to 100%. The test Blues lays out for you is good; and even better one is "No sex until I leave my husband, which I won't do without a commitment from you". You'll find out, real quick, how he actually feels about you.

 

And to turn inwards for a moment, yes, I do feel guilty about how I treated women. Society told us that women like to sleep with random people as much as men, I thought I was just "helping them" find themselves. Truth is, I was lying; I was lying about my feelings non-stop. I was dating a few girls and telling all of them I loved them, when, in fact, I probably cared more about the guy who's name I don't know who sat at the bar next to me last night more than I did them. I was treating them as a utility, they were there for sex. And I thought, in my deluded mind, that's what they wanted, they really just wanted sex, so it was a mutually beneficial arrangement.

 

It wasn't. Very few women really want to have casual sex. Are there some? Yes; and I've met them (and slept with some of them), but they are very, very rare. Women are typically using sex to gain something else, an emotional connection, a commitment, a feeling of being loved. All those things are very easy for men with an underdeveloped conscience to fake; they're just words after all, and it's easier that you would think for a lot of people to bold faced lie to you. I work in sales, so I see it all the time; and there are a lot of people who are so good at it, you'll never know it's a lie. You'll question your sanity before believing it's a lie (He said he loves me, why is he acting like this).. It's because he was lying, not because he doesn't know how to treat people and not because he doesn't know how to love. He just doesn't love you.

 

Cut off the sex/physical side of the relationship, see what happens. That should tell you everything you need to know.

[somanymistakes]

Why tell?

 

Because if you're having sex with both of them, you're exposing him to an STD risk that he doesn't know about, and that's not fair.

 

Because even if you manage to end it with your flame, if you let yourself get away consequence-free you'll be more likely to give into temptation in the future, because after all nothing bad happened last time...

 

Because you're having a hard time cutting yourself off from the feel-good drug of this guy's attention, and actually facing those consequences and bringing your husband on board to watch you may be the only way for you to stop yourself. Would you hide alcoholism from your spouse?

 

Because if you have a "good marriage" you're supposed to share things, especially emotional turmoil. Otherwise, even if you cut off this other guy, you are building a wedge between yourself and your husband.

 

for Fair And Balanced I'll present the other side - why keep it secret? Well, it'll cause less fighting, and if the affair is really over there are partners who honestly don't want to know. You're not going to see many of them posting in this subforum but they do exist.

 

Still, if you don't tell it will be hanging over your head forever and the consequences if it ever does come out will be worse than if you'd confessed.

[Overtaxed]

Why tell?

 

Because if you're having sex with both of them, you're exposing him to an STD risk that he doesn't know about, and that's not fair.

 

Because even if you manage to end it with your flame, if you let yourself get away consequence-free you'll be more likely to give into temptation in the future, because after all nothing bad happened last time...

 

Because you're having a hard time cutting yourself off from the feel-good drug of this guy's attention, and actually facing those consequences and bringing your husband on board to watch you may be the only way for you to stop yourself. Would you hide alcoholism from your spouse?

 

Because if you have a "good marriage" you're supposed to share things, especially emotional turmoil. Otherwise, even if you cut off this other guy, you are building a wedge between yourself and your husband.

 

for Fair And Balanced I'll present the other side - why keep it secret? Well, it'll cause less fighting, and if the affair is really over there are partners who honestly don't want to know. You're not going to see many of them posting in this subforum but they do exist.

 

Still, if you don't tell it will be hanging over your head forever and the consequences if it ever does come out will be worse than if you'd confessed.

 

I'm going to post something that I thought reading that that really surprised me, but.. Just as a counter balance..

 

I'm not sure I wanted to know. If my wife's A had just ended, we'd moved to our new house together, and things were as they are today; I really could do without the pain that comes from knowing. However, once I knew there was an A, I had to know everything, so, 2 sides. If you can never look back, recommit yourself to the M, drop the OM like a bad habit, and live with it. For me, the answer would be "don't tell me".

 

My guy friends who have frequent A's traveling, I'm pretty sure their wives are in the "don't know, don't want to know" category. They know that those A's are just for sex, and knowing the details of them would rip them apart. They don't want to know (this is my projecting, NOT an actual conversation) and turn a blind eye to it. And almost never do these men have A's in their "home town", they move it out of the area so there's very little chance of ever being discovered. I know their wives suspect, and I know these guys might even confess if confronted and really asked. That never happens, at least, not as far as I know from my discussions with them.

 

Men have it harder in some ways with an PA, sex is our identity, it's the thing that drives most of us to succeed and it's one of the most (if not the most) important thing in our lives. I know this makes no sense to women because, for them, sex is like water; turn on the tap and it flows. But it's not that way for men, it's a tremendous amount of work to get sex, even when your married. The thought of someone else getting it from your W without putting in "the work" is maddening because it means, in some way, she found him sexier than you. Also, I think men may get mind movies a bit worse, I know I have them badly and they really do interfere with my day to day life (I'm only a few months post D-day though, so take that for what it's worth).

[aliveagain]

Thanks for your honest opinions, a real mix of empathy and harshness, which I know I deserve. I have never posted on a forum before so have been both surprised and distressed by the reaction.

 

I know now that I will cut this man off, in spite of my feelings. I have met him 5 times, and had full sex once. The whole 'affair' has lasted about 2 months.

 

I would like to ask you all though why the overwhelming opinion is to tell my husband?? I'm sure you will crucify me here... but I would have to say that I disagree.

 

My husband and I are still great friends and getting on just fine. We have had some jokes about my 40-something 'mid-life crisis' (yes, I have done a few things on that list, like buy new clothes and get an ear piercing!) but we are basically good. We very rarely argue and are very stable.

 

I know it is not ideal, but I do think that sometimes complete and utter honesty is NOT the best policy. I think I can live with my mistake (I have held a flame for this guy for 25 years and not told a soul) and I prefer not to devastate my husband and children and ruin 13 years together if I don't have to.

 

I know this must sound cowardly and deceptive... and please go easy on me... I just wonder if there's anyone who thinks this is actually a sensible, practical way forward out of this mess?

 

As long as you keep secrets from your husband with the other man your affair lives on and your husband is the third wheel. You can't control others and one thing I know about players is that they brag about their conquests, he is telling someone about the married woman he's banging just as he told you about his other girlfriends. He may have been your first love but it doesn't seem like you were his or his memory would be a lot better regarding your 6 months with him. If you held a flame for this guy for 25 years and never told a soul, my guess is you have never been completely truthful with your husband.

 

Your enjoying this high your getting from your secret and deceitful life. As great as you think it is now you will spend the rest of your life trying to find a way to undo it. You can never be the same once you've stepped over that imaginary line because the only way you can fix this is to receive forgiveness from the man you hurt, the father of your children, your husband.

 

Do not minimize the fact that you cheated by saying things like you only had full sex once, blow jobs are sex and so is finger insertion. Once is too many times for any marriage. Please read zombieheads post "nude pic's red flag?" from Feb. 11, 2017 his post number 152, now imagine it being your husband.

Edited April 21, 2017 by aliveagain

[NTV]

You are seriously okay with not telling him???

 

Let's pretend your husband cheated on you with some lady. Never told you. But every now and again that lady you didn't know about sees you in the grocery store and gives you this huge smile. And of course you don't know that she slept with your husband so you think she's just being nice. End up talking and whatnot. The whole time she's standing in your face grinning because she got drilled by your hubby and you don't know.

 

Let's pretend that.

[italianjob]

1. You seem to live in the same town as your AP, you had no problem meeting for drinks, and then for sex...

 

2. He sounds like a player and as someone said, players like to brag about the women they shagged.

 

3. It's far from impossible that your husband gets the word about you and AP, especially if they knew each other in the old times or had/have friends in common...

 

At that point your husband will probably become "the one that got away".

 

Then maybe you' ll become interested in him again...

 

It could be too late, anyway...

[aileD]

Another reason you tell your husband is so that he doesn't hear it from someone else.

 

Would you be more likely to forgive your husband if he had an affair and came to you and said "this happened, I'm ashamed and I'm sorry and I want our marriage"

 

Or if his "first love" from HS sent you a bunch of screenshots of their sext messages and said "hon, just thought you'd wanna know that I f**cked your husband""

 

????

[reboot]

Wasted breath. You will never convince a cheater they should confess.

[Cephalopod]

You say you have a good marriage. Well, it may be a good marriage on paper but not in your heart. You don't love your husband any more. Oh, you may like him a lot as a buddy and a coparent, but proof is in the actions, not the words. You do not love him, and he needs to know this so he can make an informed decision as to his future.

 

I for one, decided I could not live with a woman who didn't love me, so I ended it.

[QuietDan]

Turns out he is also currently divorcing his wife (he has 2 kids similar age) and has had a couple of girlfriends in the last 1.5 years, but nothing serious. We've since had a few secret dates and have been flirting and even done some sexting. By date #4, we were sleeping together, which was amazing.

Since, he is not yet divorced, he is currently having an affair with you.

Yes... I presume... True Love conquers all and justifies all evil acts...

Too bad he couldn't wait for the divorce to become final before he decided he couldn't wait any longer to have these multiple affairs.

He has been having multiple affairs with different woman over the last 1.5 years... I of course, am presuming that he has been married these last 1.5 years...

I wonder if he is getting a divorce because he is a serial cheater... Perhaps his current wife that he has not been yet divorced from, doesn't quite appreciate that he has been cheating on her when she is raising his children.

Surely, the wife that he has, does not deserve the emotional pain that he has put her through...

2 kids at home... cheating with multiple woman...

I wonder why he did not get a divorce before he chose to cheat on his wife..... Perhaps she isn't good enough in bed for him. Fortunately he has you to comfort his physical desires and needs...

This is the man you are prepared to leave your current husband for at the mere mention of a word from him...

Such a selfish man... such a selfish woman...

What separates the two of you?

In many ways... you two deserve to have the true love that you imagine you have with him. Yes... I now see this magical bond that you two share.

He is truly the one that got away.

Forsake all that you have for him.

You only live once, you will be missing your second chance at this once in a life time love affair that you want, desire, dream of, and have desired for the last 25 years.

I feel sorry for your husband.

He has been the back up plan for the last 25 years.

A man who has been married to a woman when he was not her first choice.

25 years you have been a martyr. Time to live the life you really wanted.

You have the opportunity to be with who you really have desired now.

Not this second rated back up plan of a guy.

Mr. Nice Guy.

Does all of the predictable nice boring reliable stuff. But not who you really wanted and desired.

Can you imagine being married to someone who never really wanted, desired, loved you.

Can you imagine anything more humiliating than to be a life partner to someone who only saw you as a back up plan.

Give him his participation ribbon.

Thank him for his effort.

Give your dear friend a hug, let him know that you love him but you are not in love with him.

Your feelings for him are more like a brother now.

After he nurses his emotional wounds, in short order, perhaps a year or two, he will indeed find someone who will see him as a primary choice. He will get to finally experience a relationship with someone who truly loves him for being only him.

Or, you can keep lying to him... string him along for a few more years until you are done using him, then break his heart.

Can you truly love this man as a woman who really loves him?

Don't you think he should have a chance in his life to be loved by someone who really loves him?

Or, do you want to keep giving him a part time relationship and charging him full time prices?

Half a heart, half a mind, half a wife.

One foot in the relationship, one foot waiting for the one that got away.

Going through life with half a wife... But of course.... the best counter fit wife there is until now.

Such a life... what a lucky man your husband is....

Edited April 22, 2017 by QuietDan

[road]

Angelblue, tell your BH he needs and he deserves the truth. Your

marriage will never comeback from your affair without your BH

getting the truth.

[smi11ie]

You are taking a huge risk. If your husband finds out then your marraige could be over. If you deceive him too much then future friendship might be difficult too. The damage is done already. Your reasoning is largly irrelevant. I think you should strap one on and tell him before you dig a bigger hole. Remember, that what ever happens with the other guy happens, you still have a resposibility to your children, (and to your marraige contract), to treat thier father fairly and with dignity.

Edited April 23, 2017 by smi11ie

[BetrayedH]

I do think that "what your husband deserves" is a legitimate thing to consider.

 

Your husband has sacrificed a lot, I'm guessing. He gave up his single life, dedicated himself to you and you alone, became a man and made himself responsible for the lives of you and your children, has also suffered thru the typical "boredom" that sets in during marriage, and has limited his friendships and social life in favor of prioritizing his homelife. I'm sure he would also love to be in the desirous arms of another woman but he's made his choices and sacrifices and convinces himself that that it was worth it, that you are worth it.

 

But much like the picture that a previous poster painted, he's really only got half a wife now. You may say that you'll break off this affair but I've seen the reality play itself out here quite a few times; the reality is that you're going to pine for this other man (more for the fantasy of what could have been, anyway). You're not going to be passionately in love with your husband. Emotionally, you're going to have one foot out the door. Your husband won't have a wife. He'll have a roommate and a parenting partner. And you'll have a hell of a time creating any real and true intimacy with him. You'll have a huge lie between you. And when I say "lie," I mean a wall. He'll never know the real you because you won't show him. His marriage is really a sham. He doesn't know that his wife isn't really in love with him; she's just decided that she can't wreck her home life on the off-chance that her lover will keep her. And the likelihood is that you will still have intermittent contact with your OM; women have a hell of a time breaking off affairs - they become addicted to the new, refreshing, and exciting external validation.

 

And this roommate scenario will play out for years, probably to the detriment of both of you. What I fear is that eventually the kids will leave the home and you will finally leave your stable back-up-plan of a husband. He will have wasted the one and only life he has on a woman that never really loved him the way she should have.

 

Your husband deserves to make an informed decision. He may well choose to forgive you. Statistically, a confession literally doubles your chances versus a discovery. And while it would be a painful undertaking, it's the only way to really open up the potential for real and true intimacy between you. Show him yourself, warts and all. And then build a marriage that's worth being in. The alternative is being in a sham and committing him to a life sentence.

[central]

Apparently, you "settled" for your husband. We all make compromises, especially when we don't get the one we wanted or thought we wanted, but if we do, go all in to make it as amazing as possible. Sadly, you fell into the trap of holding on to feelings for an old flame, and then compounded the mistake by getting in touch. The rest is history.

 

Well, at this point, you definitely should tell your husband and file for divorce. Do not try to reconcile. Go for your former flame - there is no other good solution here. Oh - if it doesn't work out, that's unfortunate, but don't try to go back to your husband. Move ahead, not back.

 

My wife and I have an unusual take on these things. While we do not at all condone lying or cheating, we feel that if we find someone else who is a better match for us and would make us happier, then we should go for it. One of us will be hurt, but will get over it, and then has the chance to find someone else who is even better.

 

The thing is, we won't stick around to see how it plays out. You make your choice, and go for it - no turning back, no retries, no reconciliation possible. All in, or all out, so the person being left has a chance to heal and move on as soon as possible.

[AngelBlue75]

So I told my AP today that I can't do this anymore, that I'm angry with myself for letting it get this far and that I can't hurt my husband and kids. Also told him that he's not just a booty call for me and that our connection on every level has been surprising and that - in another life - I'm sure we'd have something pretty special.

 

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family. He then asked if we meet for a drink, because: "we totally connect and there is a reason things happen. Perhaps we are destined to become close friends? We need to chat about what happened at least".

 

I told him I can't be his friend, and much as I want to see him and talk about it, it's too intoxicating for me when I see him.

 

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way? I know with my head I've done the right thing, but my heart is aching and I feel so sad right now.

[smi11ie]

I think you are doing the right thing. Don't kid yourself......if you try and be friends with him you will probably sleep with him. Out of sight.......out of mind. Even if your husband finds out in the future....you will have demonstrated that you ended the affair of your own accord. All of these things matter.

[somanymistakes]

Sounds like he's hoping he can keep you around for more fun later.

 

He doesn't want to hurt you or your family... he certainly doesn't want you to leave your husband.

[Cephalopod]

Good for you ending the affair.

 

Now, go and file for divorce and let your husband go. You don't have to tell him you cheated. Just tell him you never really loved him as a wife should, and that he deserves better, and that you need to move on and find a man you can truly love and give yourself to completely. He will hurt and hate you for a time, but he will get over it and move on. At least he'll be free and not living a lie.

[GoldenR]

He knows if you showed up for a drink, that he'd likely get laid. That's all he wanted. He doesn't want to be your friend. He wants sex from you.

 

And don't delude yourself, your A is nothing anymore special than anyone else's A. It was cheap, and destructive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So I told my AP today that I can't do this anymore, that I'm angry with myself for letting it get this far and that I can't hurt my husband and kids. Also told him that he's not just a booty call for me and that our connection on every level has been surprising and that - in another life - I'm sure we'd have something pretty special.

 

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family. He then asked if we meet for a drink, because: "we totally connect and there is a reason things happen. Perhaps we are destined to become close friends? We need to chat about what happened at least".

 

I told him I can't be his friend, and much as I want to see him and talk about it, it's too intoxicating for me when I see him.

 

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way? I know with my head I've done the right thing, but my heart is aching and I feel so sad right now.

 

yes...it is the response of a player

 

Sweetheart....it's too late....you have already hurt your husband and your kids...you cannot undo what you have done....

 

You have to have no contact of any kind and you need to tell your husband what you have done

 

that will help you to have no contact....

 

Oh god i wish you had not done this......so much pain and hurt lies ahead for your family.....years and years of recovery lie ahead...for what?

[Eight]

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family.

 

He's sorry?? He'd never want to hurt you or your family????

Then what the hell was he doing sleeping with another man's wife???

 

If he really cared about or respected you, your husband or your family he would not have slept with you in the first place. And he CERTAINLY wouldn't try to keep you in his life!

 

This should make it easier for you to walk away and stop romaticizing the whole affair. Look at the lack of integrity this guy is showing. The only person he respects is himself.

 

I know it's hard because by looking at his behavior, you have to look at yours. Which means facing some hard truths about things we've done; but it's the only way to rebuild your self-respect and integrity. To be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, yes, I was that person who did that, but I'm not that person anymore and I'm now making better choices for myself and for others.

[BetrayedH]

No Contact (NC) is what's needed here. Any further contact and you'll just be extending the life of the affair.

 

The OM knows he has you roped in and would just like an opportunity to lay the groundwork for another future round in affairland, should you change your mind. He just wants another chance to show you what a great guy he is so you'll keep the fantasy. In reality, if he were such a great guy, he'd feel awful for what he's done and agree never to have contact with you again. He's doing the opposite and feeding that "connection." Not such a great guy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No Contact (NC) is what's needed here. Any further contact and you'll just be extending the life of the affair.

 

The OM knows he has you roped in and would just like an opportunity to lay the groundwork for another future round in affairland, should you change your mind. He just wants another chance to show you what a great guy he is so you'll keep the fantasy. In reality, if he were such a great guy, he'd feel awful for what he's done and agree never to have contact with you again. He's doing the opposite and feeding that "connection." Not such a great guy.

 

yep

 

I have often wondered....do other men and women ever feel any degree of guilt about contributing to the pain the betrayed suffers? Do they ever really consider what they are doing to an innocent person?

 

Do they have a heart at all?

[aileD]

So I told my AP today that I can't do this anymore, that I'm angry with myself for letting it get this far and that I can't hurt my husband and kids. Also told him that he's not just a booty call for me and that our connection on every level has been surprising and that - in another life - I'm sure we'd have something pretty special.

 

 

 

I told him I can't be his friend, and much as I want to see him and talk about it, it's too intoxicating for me when I see him.

 

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way? I know with my head I've done the right thing, but my heart is aching and I feel so sad right now.

 

First off. I'll be blunt. The bold above are things you should not have said. When you break up with an affair partner, you do it short and sweet and strong when talking about your marriage.

 

The bold things you said above is also a the exact reason why he said this:

 

He replied that he's sorry if I have regrets and he respects my feelings. And that he'd never want to hurt me or my family. He then asked if we meet for a drink, because: "we totally connect and there is a reason things happen. Perhaps we are destined to become close friends? We need to chat about what happened at least".

 

Because you showed your weakness and he knows if he can just see you that you will not be able to resist falling back into the affair. Also he contradicts himself when he says "I don't want to hurt your family" then "we totally connect let's meet up and continue an EA even if it doesn't go physical ". If he really cared about not hurting your family, he would ride off into the sunset alone and leave you to fix your marriage without the complication of him. So although he sounds selfless, his motives are really selfish.

 

My H broke off the affair a good 5+ times with his OW. All through email because he knew he was too weak to do it in person. He wouldn't be completely firm and every goodbye letter was Romeo and Juliet worthy. (Gag). But she would insist on seeing him "in person" to discuss and "one final goodbye" and "you need to say this to my face. Because she KNEW he had a weakness for her and she KNEW if she got him alone she could get him back into the A. Granted, it is my husband's responsibility to be strong, but at that point he could only be strong from afar. She would show up at his work, demand to see him or she'd come up and make a scene.

 

So.no, he's wrong . You don't "need to chat"

 

People are selfish. He is selfish. You are selfish. You need to take feelings out of it and send him a script. There are plenty on the internet. Here's an example:

 

 

MM name,

 

Out of respect for my husband, my children, and my marriage, I need to end our relationship immediately. I can no longer have any communication with you in any form. I realize that our affair was a very selfish choice and my family deserves to be treated with love and respect. While I cannot undo the choices I've made or the pain I have caused to my family, I can work diligently to make amends for my behavior. I love my family deeply and I will no longer do anything to risk their happiness. I will not be contacting you further and I ask that you do the same. I do not want to see you or hear from you. Please respect my decision to end our relationship and have no further communication.

 

Sincerely,

Your Name

Edited April 24, 2017 by aileD

[Mr. Lucky]

What do people think of my AP's response? Is this the response of a player, or someone who cares about me in a deeper way?

 

AngelBlue75, ever heard the expression "dry drunk"?

 

With this mindset, you'll still be part of the affair, even if you're not seeing your AP (though I'd guess at the least you'll still be talking to him). The few leftover bits and pieces you'll offer your husband won't be enough to sustain you, him or the marriage.

 

You've been offered steps and ways to address this but seem curiously uninterested. Hope you continue to post though many have seen this play out before...

 

Mr. Lucky