Is He Really Cheating, Or Am I Just Jealous?

[MountainGirl111]

Honestly, I really dig my BF in a lot of ways. We've been together 5 years and have had some great times and he is a wonderful lover. He is absolutely gorgeous and I think he is just as hot as when we first got together.

 

But here's part of my problem. He is so attractive that everywhere we go and whenever we go out and do things together he draws attention from so many females...it really begins to annoy me. It gets really old and I'm getting pretty sick of it to the point I want to break things off because that's always just hanging over my head. It doesn't help that he notices he's getting noticed and he seems to really dig it and often makes eye contact with these various females and smiles at them and stuff. Does he really need to do that? Like, really?

 

He's always been one to get along with females really well. He's easy to approach, easy to talk to, etc. Women are just naturally drawn to him. That's just his nature, I guess. But, it bothers me sometimes...and I don't know if I am just jealous and insecure...and if I really AM insecure, what can I do about it?

 

I really don't like feeling this way. It kind of sucks.

 

Then the other day I caught him texting with a lady friend and it was really flirtatious and he's known her for awhile and they've gone out to lunch together and stuff. It bothers me. Is he cheating? Or is he just interacting with someone as a friend. I don't know and I'm afraid to ask him cuz whenever I bring something like this up he just accuses me of being "insecure".

[lolablue17]

I really can't tell. How could I know if he's cheating?

 

You sound very insecure, that's for sure. You mentioned that he draws attention from female, and the only thing he does is smile to them. You also mentioned that he has a a friendly character, good approach for women and easy to communicate.

 

You also mentioned that he has a female friend, that you caught some flirty texts between them.

 

ALL the things that you described here might be innocent. Even the flirty text. Sometimes people flirt with friends, you can ask him to stop that if this specific thing bothers you, but it seems that everything bother you, from the minute he leaves home.

 

I had a "very attractive gf" more than once. It's annoying, and put in mind that guys hit on girls much more, and much more aggressively than women hit attractive guys. Guys had no shame hitting on my gf when I was there standing beside her. I understood that it can be flattering, and distract my Gf's attention. But there was nothing I could do but to accept that.

 

YES, when a guy has so many options that throw themselves in front of his foot, it increases the chance of cheating and ruing the relationship. It's also true with an attractive girl who has a lot of orbiters.

 

My current wife was (is ) very attractive (she was an actress), but she used to cooperate with me, calm me down, and let me know and feel every second that I am the one.

[Phoenician]

when a guy is attractive and get a lot of options yet chooses a specific girl to be his his soulmate ; then he is a gentleman and sees his lady as a venus .

 

Stop pushing him toward cheating ....

[MountainGirl111]

Thx guys. Helps to get other perspectives.

[smackie9]

He's not cheating he is who he is. I find people who are really attractive are deep down insecure and need the attention from others to keep their ego intact.

 

The day he puts a ring on your finger is the day he needs to tone it down.....but where's the ring? It's been 5 years now......

[MountainGirl111]

Maybe I'm just insecure because of past things that have happened in this relationship and other relationships. Yes we've been together for five years, there have been times when it's been rocky, but hey, he still chooses to be with me at the end of the day and I guess that tells me more than anything.

 

But, he's a flirt, a natural flirt. And some women just take it as superficial stuff, but other women take it as he is seriously interested in them and they have taken steps to try and get him. He's a bit oblivious to it sometimes. He doesn't seem to realize that when you flirt with someone you could be getting into territory that you may not want to get into...some women don't see it as "just flirting". They see it as: "Oh, he really likes me!".

(like, seriously)

 

But, you know what?! Something I've realized. There is not one damn thing I can do about it, really. He's going to do what he's going to do and the day may come when one of his flirtations turns into to something more...so what would I do then? Well, I would just have to be happy with MYSELF, irregardless of what he does. And that's what it pretty much boils down to. Being happy with myself.

 

We've talked about marriage. In some ways, we already act like a married couple. I'm the one who is shying away from being married. I've been married and divorced before and it was a nasty divorce and I just don't know if I can do that ever again. (get married, that is)

 

My ex husband got together with one of my friends and it started out as "just flirting" and turned into a full blown affair that went on for 2 1/1 years before I found out. So, yeah, I'm a bit jaded. i will fully admit that.

[smackie9]

Ok so why are you dating someone who is a serial flirt? are you a glutton for punishment?

 

Just my opinion....you are wasting your time, your picker is off, you end up with the wrong type of man. I understand that when they are less available they are more desirable...but you have to draw the line and change direction.

[smackie9]

BTW talk of marriage is just that...TALK, and should never be taken as a promise.

 

There is a reason why you have hesitation...your gut instinct is telling you something.

[preraph]

If he doesn't want you to be insecure about his "friends," he ought to be bringing them around you and showing them that you are a couple and letting you see that they are just friends. If he's deliberately hiding them from you but they are supposedly a good friend, I would say he's hiding something. Why not suggest he invite some of these texting friends over to dinner since they're shis friends. I mean if they're friends when does he see them? If it's never with you, I'd be suspicious too.

 

But with good looking guys they do get sick of insecurity, but more than that they actually mostly want someone they cannot get away with murder with who will call them on stuff.

 

The best way to get to the bottom of this is sometimes to mirror his behavior and see how he reacts when you are texting some guy and if he becomes insecure. If he's real suspicious, he's actually more likely to be a cheater because cheaters assume others will jump at the opportunity to cheat like they will. So what's fair is fair. See how he tolerates you texting or talking to some guy friends. Maybe he will bet he one to say, Hey, let's start being transparent.

[Titanll]

I'm a guy. In a relationship, no way no how do I engage with other females in a flirtatious manner. It's rude, unforgivable and you are not being jealous.

[dollylove]

Ok Moutain girl I cant say hes cheating yet. I don't like the texting with the FRIEND (female),,,,Does she come around when ur there,,,?? look at body language how they both act around eachother,, He should be making you feel secure!!! not telling you your insecure,,,,Sounds a bit arrogant to me possible traits of a narssistic man. Good luck

[Space Ritual]

Usually when one partner starts accusing the other of being "insecure" that means that your relationship will probably see it's last sunrise.

 

My ex fiance was absolutely gorgeous. I used to joke with her that she must have been built by Rolls Royce. I used to have to deal with guys coming onto her right in front of me. I tried not to let it bother me but it got to the point where I'd have to go upside some idiot's face and she would make a big scene of it and of course it was always my fault.

 

Fast forward to 3 weeks before my wedding and i walked in on my fiance having sex in my bed with my best friend. Suffice it to say I flipped out and beat the crap out of both of them and landed in jail for 4 years. I could have walked out but I didn't. An those seconds have haunted me for almost 30 years now because of what I did.

 

And of course I found out much later my ex loved having sex when we were together as long as it was with friends of mine.

 

Ego kibbles are extremely hard to contend with, especially in a Guy.

 

I'm telling you right now, he feels untouchable because he figures you will put up with it.

Don't.

 

Do yourself a favor and release him to his destiny. Beautiful people with poor boundaries that are in a long term relationship are a disaster waiting to happen.

 

Spare yourself the heartache. It took a real terrible experience for me to understand that no one was worth such heartache, let along going to jail over.

[MountainGirl111]

Thx guys. Sigh.

 

Yeah, I think my gut IS telling me something's wrong and this isn't right and it's seen it's best days...thus why I've avoided or we have avoided marriage. Don't get me wrong. The sex has been good. But truly good relationships are not just built on good sex. That can fizzle out anyways. Anyways, I don't think I ever want to get married. Period.

 

I'll tell ya one thing, when he automatically defaults to "You're just insecure"...I feel so blown off as if my concerns don't matter. And, in the end, that just hurts me and makes me feel unloved. Really.

 

The truth is, I'm not really insecure about my overall attractiveness and abilities...I'm actually pretty self confident!! Always have been. That's one thing that attracted him to me. And, I could take him or leave him at first. I'm not usually that attracted to super good looking men...and he IS. But, he pursued me and won my heart and I didn't even like him at first and we clashed at first.

 

When someone tells you you are an insecure person and you really AREN'T, that's like gas-lighting and that is one trait of a narcissist.

 

Yeah, maybe I could try giving him a taste of his own medicine. There are men I could get things going with, but to tell you the truth, I'm pretty busy and don't have the energy for all this.

 

When he flirts, texts, and has lunch with his women 'friends' I feel unloved. That's the simple truth. And I don't like that feeling. It sucks. Maybe I do need to break free of this.

 

Thx again. And further feedback is welcome. I really appreciate your honesty too.

[MountainGirl111]

I'm a guy. In a relationship, no way no how do I engage with other females in a flirtatious manner. It's rude, unforgivable and you are not being jealous.

 

Thank you. I think it's rude too. Very insensitive. My ex hub used to do that too. We could be out somewhere, even at a church event and he'd be talking up the best looking woman there like he was just enamoured with her and he completely ignored me. Yuck. No wonder we got divorced, eventually. Insensitive jerk!

 

Maybe the writing is on the wall, here and I'm still just hanging on. I just don't know.

[MountainGirl111]

How awful, Space Ritual!

 

Well, women tend to beat themselves up when something like that happens, or they commit suicide or punish themselves somehow. Honestly, I don't blame you for wanting to beat them up. I am sorry you had to go to jail though.

[Titanll]

My advice may be worthless or otherwise not apply but...I suspect his behavior came out pretty quickly and you turned a blind eye. If that is the case, don't that again. You have my permission to fry the next guy that treats you like that haha! Just do it at the first time you feel slighted and take no bs as an excuse.

[MountainGirl111]

Ok Moutain girl I cant say hes cheating yet. I don't like the texting with the FRIEND (female),,,,Does she come around when ur there,,,?? look at body language how they both act around eachother,, He should be making you feel secure!!! not telling you your insecure,,,,Sounds a bit arrogant to me possible traits of a narssistic man. Good luck

 

Thx. These thoughts have occurred to me too. I am almost too good at reading peoples' body language. It's a blessing/curse. I wish I was oblivious sometimes.

 

I've met her. She goes to our gym and they know each other a bit through their professions. They cross paths professionally, I should say. But don't work in the same office. So, I've met her and to tell you the truth, it's very obvious to me she has the hots for him and is "into him" and he enjoys the attention and the feeling he gets from that. She is cold and almost rude and snippy to me. She almost treats me like the "other woman", but I'm not the OW, I'm just his girlfriend. But, she gives off vibes as if she has a claim to him and ..."who am I?!" Oh, well I'm just the girlfriend, I guess. If I didn't know any better, I'd say SHE is jealous of ME. Yuck. This just feels yucky. Thx again.

 

I know I should be talking to him frankly about all this stuff and I've tried. But every time I bring it up he just blows me off.

[preraph]

These guys who have to find a strange woman every time you go out and flirt with them, if you stay with them, jealousy will be the smaller problem because as they get older and still think they're all that and think it's cute to come on to young women everywhere, they become very embarrassing to be around. I know this because that was the overwhelming feeling in my household growing up by my dad who aspired to be Dean Martin.

[MountainGirl111]

My advice may be worthless or otherwise not apply but...I suspect his behavior came out pretty quickly and you turned a blind eye. If that is the case, don't that again. You have my permission to fry the next guy that treats you like that haha! Just do it at the first time you feel slighted and take no bs as an excuse.

 

My goodness....I think you've touched on a bit of truth there....thinking back...Yeah. It's really been there off and on for awhile. But, I am a busy person and I don't have a lot of time to spend on these types of things. Plus, I just don't want to deal with it. And like I've said, this has come up before and when bring it up with him honestly and I've confronted him on these types of things he just gets very defensive and tells me I'm insecure. So then it either ends up in a big ole fight or he just shuts it down. It sucks.

[MountainGirl111]

These guys who have to find a strange woman every time you go out and flirt with them, if you stay with them, jealousy will be the smaller problem because as they get older and still think they're all that and think it's cute to come on to young women everywhere, they become very embarrassing to be around. I know this because that was the overwhelming feeling in my household growing up by my dad who aspired to be Dean Martin.

 

Yeah, and you know, I'm thinking maybe he's actually the one who is more insecure. That's why he seems to need validation from so many women. (he has alot of women supporters/friends, a few men, but mostly women.) And some of those women are indeed just friends and there are a few that treat me with respect. But some of them give off vibes like I'm some sort of trashy appendage he has to put up with and they deserve his attention more than I do. I'm just sick of it! Makes me wonder what he says about me to them. Maybe he's talking some trash about me. Anyway this latest "gal friend" he's got....she's been calling his apt. when I'm there. He invites me over for dinner and a movie and she calls and he takes the call into the bedroom and he's on the phone with her for about 20 minutes or so...maybe more and when he comes out I ask him about it, and he says it has something to do with work and he really needed to talk. Well, I'm thinking if I'm important to him, he can tell her he can't talk now because he wants to give time and attention to me, blah blah blah. You know, if a guy is really into you he doesn't like to keep you waiting for long............thx for listening, folks...

[Space Ritual]

I am sorry you had to go to jail though.

 

Don't be. I deserved everything I got. Had I not had ZERO coping skills I would have walked out of my house and done nothing but call off the wedding. Instead I didn't, affected 3 lives, got a felony record and made myself a pariah.

 

When guys come here that have these visions of fighting the OM or something like that I am always the first one to caution against it. But I also implore people regardless of gender who are even having an inkling of suspecting infidelity to act and not let it drag out unless circumstances warrant it.

 

In a situation like yours I would not even hesitate to pull the plug and move on.

[MountainGirl111]

Thx Space Ritual.

 

Yeah, I need to listen to my gut, I suppose, even though right now it has this sinking feeling...that he is into her more than me and there is something really brewing between them, and maybe something has already happened.

 

The thing is I am SO SICK of feeling like a second class citizen. Just sick of it. Because that is how I feel sometimes with him.

 

We supposed to have a date tonight. I just called it off and I'm relieved. Let him wonder why. I didn't give him the real reason (yet)...because I just didn't want to get into it with him. I'm just so weary of it all. Whenever he asks me what is wrong and I honestly tell him he just writes off how I'm feeling as if I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill...and I'm tired of being told that too.

 

My gut is usually right on and sometimes I TRULY wish that it wasn't. Because honestly, this hurts me, it really does because I have feelings for him and we have been together for a while. It hurts. But, I can't be around him right now...

 

One time here recently when I was at his place, the phone rang and he was in the shower so I answered it and it was that gal friend from the gym and she said, "Who is this?!" When I told her she was really rude to me and insinuated the no right to be at his place...like I was some dog or something...trash. Well, I NOT trash. I know that. But, I'm tired of being treated like trash. Never good enough.

[preraph]

Yeah, and you know, I'm thinking maybe he's actually the one who is more insecure. That's why he seems to need validation from so many women. (he has alot of women supporters/friends, a few men, but mostly women.) And some of those women are indeed just friends and there are a few that treat me with respect. But some of them give off vibes like I'm some sort of trashy appendage he has to put up with and they deserve his attention more than I do. I'm just sick of it! Makes me wonder what he says about me to them. Maybe he's talking some trash about me. Anyway this latest "gal friend" he's got....she's been calling his apt. when I'm there. He invites me over for dinner and a movie and she calls and he takes the call into the bedroom and he's on the phone with her for about 20 minutes or so...maybe more and when he comes out I ask him about it, and he says it has something to do with work and he really needed to talk. Well, I'm thinking if I'm important to him, he can tell her he can't talk now because he wants to give time and attention to me, blah blah blah. You know, if a guy is really into you he doesn't like to keep you waiting for long............thx for listening, folks...

 

Oh, you may well be right about him needing the validation. I mean, guys always try to pass off their misbehavior as being overlytesteroned sex machines, but it's usually just bad self-esteem that needs to be fed to make them feel better. Anyway, if he's shining you on to talk to other women, he's crossing a line there.

 

Trouble with him flirting with random women is some will never be a problem, some will think he's a tool, some will think his behavior reflects on your some way, some will be after money or gifts or validation themselves. If you did the same thing, he would have a COW. That's the true measure.

[preraph]

You have to deal with his behavior before you have teenagers in the house. Because he'll probably keep right on flirting and get you both a bad reputation or get in a lot of trouble. My dad was like that but my mother kept him in line. I didn't realize how much so until she finally divorced him after he retired.

 

So he was a natural flirt, always also looking to make something innocent into something suggestive, bad boundaries, and without my mother, he got really really bad, and then his brain degenerated like 15 years before he died, and this whole time he was getting in trouble, getting targeted (he lived way out in the country too) by local pimps sending girls over there and some were underaged. He just got worse and worse with fewer boundaries as his mind got worse and his memory went. I mean, it was a mess. So if you have any influence over him, set some boundaries before you get teens in the house and he starts flirting with your daughter's girlfriends or your son's girlfriends and really makes a big mess. And you have to realize too that these strange women may also have daughters. I'm not saying he's a pedophile. I'm saying that a lot of men who can't stop themselves from flirting and being suggestive or have proper boundaries, this may carry over into them not having boundaries with younger folks too.

[Imajerk17]

Well MountainGirl, the serious problem you have on your hands--and it is QUITE serious--is that your boyfriend is "close friends" w a woman who disrespects you as she does. He is dusrespecting you and your relationship by keeping her around.

Whether anything happened between her and him or not, him keeping her around is almost the EQUIVALENT of him cheating.

 

If he doesn't cut this woman out, I don't see how the two of you can stay together, I am sorry to say.