Is He Really Cheating, Or Am I Just Jealous?

[viatori patuit]

I see this a bit differently.

 

I don't know this guy from adam, but there are flirty guys who are committed to their significant other. I do it sometimes without knowing it. In my girlfriends eyes I am flirting. In mine I am just having a conversation.

 

But....

 

You don't want to get married again. That screams to me he's not the right person. At least five years after your marriage ended and you still feel that way? I think that is most Telling.

 

Not my place to give advice. I would tell you if I was in the place you describe that I would want to find someone who made me feel comfortable with the thought of marriage again.

[MountainGirl111]

Well MountainGirl, the serious problem you have on your hands--and it is QUITE serious--is that your boyfriend is "close friends" w a woman who disrespects you as she does. He is dusrespecting you and your relationship by keeping her around.

Whether anything happened between her and him or not, him keeping her around is almost the EQUIVALENT of him cheating.

 

If he doesn't cut this woman out, I don't see how the two of you can stay together, I am sorry to say.

 

This is how I feel about it too. Thx!

[MountainGirl111]

Oh, you may well be right about him needing the validation. I mean, guys always try to pass off their misbehavior as being overlytesteroned sex machines, but it's usually just bad self-esteem that needs to be fed to make them feel better. Anyway, if he's shining you on to talk to other women, he's crossing a line there.

 

Trouble with him flirting with random women is some will never be a problem, some will think he's a tool, some will think his behavior reflects on your some way, some will be after money or gifts or validation themselves. If you did the same thing, he would have a COW. That's the true measure.

 

Yes, I kind of think he would have a cow if the tables were turned. Then again, if he didn't have a cow, but a lesser reaction, I could understand that. If he were indifferent, that would be very telling as well. Thx for the input.

[MountainGirl111]

Guys, I broke things off. It was kind of hard, but I was able to be honest about the reasons why and how I felt and this time it just didn't matter what his reactions were and if he called me "insecure". I'm NOT insecure. I just don't like being treated this way. He doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will. Why did I waste 5 years of my life on this? I was stupid. I should have broke it off a long time ago. He denied that there was anyone else, but I am just tired of his spinelessness and being inconsiderate of how I might feel. My ex husband cheated on me. That's why we divorced. I KNEW he was cheating in my gut but tried to deny it for a long time until I couldn't deny it anymore. Are all men like this? Maybe I just need to be alone for awhile. I don't know. I could date different men, but I am so jaded now I don't know if I even feel like dating anyone ever again. It was staring me in the face.

[preraph]

Sorry. I know that was a hard decision. No, all men are not like that, but a lot of men will flirt with other women, but most have the courtesy to sneak around and do it. Not much better. You know, it's the inconsiderate part of it. I mean twist this around and say he flirts with women and likes looking at them but when it starts to cross a line, he pulls you to him and says, Hey, I'm taken! Then that's not quite as much of a problem, though still embarrassing to be around.

 

Sometimes to make a man understand how stuff like this makes you feel, you have to just mirror their actions and do it back to them, but you can't expect that to fix things because eventually he'll likely just try to find someone mild who will put up with it and turn a blind eye. But that shows where his priorities are. He probably doesn't know himself why he does it.

 

Take a break from men and time to get over this, but then gather your friends and family and reconnect and even find something fun you like to do once a week and go by yourself and pamper yourself that way. It will remind you life doesn't end when your relationship does.

[harrybrown]

Men have feelings as well.

 

I do not like it when my wife flirts with others right in front of me.

 

I do think you were right to break up. Not all guys are like this.

 

Do not give up.

 

I am so tired of the way she acts. I do not care anymore.

 

Hope you do find some happiness.

[MountainGirl111]

I know men have feelings too and not all men are like this. I'm just feeling jaded right now.

 

He has tried to make me jealous on purpose. He played games like that. But he would never admit that. But I know that's was part of his MO. I just couldn't do it anymore.

[preraph]

I know men have feelings too and not all men are like this. I'm just feeling jaded right now.

 

He has tried to make me jealous on purpose. He played games like that. But he would never admit that. But I know that's was part of his MO. I just couldn't do it anymore.

 

Yep, he is always about the validation and needing ego feeding.

[Silverstring]

Good call on the break up. He didn't care how you felt, and that, above anything else is a good reason to break up with someone.

[Space Ritual]

Guys, I broke things off. It was kind of hard, but I was able to be honest about the reasons why and how I felt and this time it just didn't matter what his reactions were and if he called me "insecure". I'm NOT insecure. I just don't like being treated this way. He doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will. Why did I waste 5 years of my life on this? I was stupid. I should have broke it off a long time ago. He denied that there was anyone else, but I am just tired of his spinelessness and being inconsiderate of how I might feel. My ex husband cheated on me. That's why we divorced. I KNEW he was cheating in my gut but tried to deny it for a long time until I couldn't deny it anymore. Are all men like this? Maybe I just need to be alone for awhile. I don't know. I could date different men, but I am so jaded now I don't know if I even feel like dating anyone ever again. It was staring me in the face.

 

Congratulations....

 

You may not feel like it right now but you acted decisively and you are on the road to healing.

 

Again you may feel very very depressed right now and thinking like you'll never find happiness, etc. Those are all normal reactions, and you will probably second guess yourself at any point in time in the near future.

 

But you have made an important step. You have decided to take the first step to get out of infidelity.

 

Be prepared for your now ex to run the gamut between begging and pleading to open hostility towards you.

 

In one breath he'll tell you he can't live without you, and the next moment he will call you The Destroyer of Worlds.

 

You see, you didn't follow his script. By acting you threw him off, and his safe place to land when his current round of shenanigans just went tits up on him and he didn't have a fallback.

 

I urge you to go No contact immediately. He will be on full manipulation mode, will rewrite your entire relationship and will attempt to browbeat you back into the docile, ever accepting, "aw shucks" girlfriend he wants you to be.

 

Take a few days to grieve the loss of your relationship, but keep in mind the four letter word that will be over your shoulder on that road to healing. And that word is TIME. Take Time for you right now, and as much of it as you need.

 

It goes without saying that you did yourself a HUGE favor by doing what you did.

 

Well done:)

[MountainGirl111]

Men have feelings as well.

 

I do not like it when my wife flirts with others right in front of me.

 

I do think you were right to break up. Not all guys are like this.

 

Do not give up.

 

I am so tired of the way she acts. I do not care anymore.

 

Hope you do find some happiness.

 

I'm glad we weren't married.

 

I do think in some cases people flirt just for validation. A person who is very secure doesn't need so much validation. He would accuse me of being insecure, but he was the one who was more insecure. Funny how that can play out.

[preraph]

Just shows he doesn't understand how things really work.

[MountainGirl111]

Congratulations....

 

You may not feel like it right now but you acted decisively and you are on the road to healing.

 

Again you may feel very very depressed right now and thinking like you'll never find happiness, etc. Those are all normal reactions, and you will probably second guess yourself at any point in time in the near future.

 

But you have made an important step. You have decided to take the first step to get out of infidelity.

 

Be prepared for your now ex to run the gamut between begging and pleading to open hostility towards you.

 

In one breath he'll tell you he can't live without you, and the next moment he will call you The Destroyer of Worlds.

 

You see, you didn't follow his script. By acting you threw him off, and his safe place to land when his current round of shenanigans just went tits up on him and he didn't have a fallback.

 

I urge you to go No contact immediately. He will be on full manipulation mode, will rewrite your entire relationship and will attempt to browbeat you back into the docile, ever accepting, "aw shucks" girlfriend he wants you to be.

 

Take a few days to grieve the loss of your relationship, but keep in mind the four letter word that will be over your shoulder on that road to healing. And that word is TIME. Take Time for you right now, and as much of it as you need.

 

It goes without saying that you did yourself a HUGE favor by doing what you did.

 

Well done:)

 

Thx, Space Rit.

 

In a way I feel like I have already been grieving... my gut has been telling me for a while it really should be over.

 

And, there have actually been many times we've been at odds and on the verge of ending it and like you say, he got me back around to the place he wanted me to be in: accepting whatever behavior of his he wants me to accept and put up with. Well, I've put up with it for a long time now and it took more from me than I'd wanted it to. Funny how we put up with stuff we shouldn't. I guess I can certainly learn from this and realize I have to be true to myself at all costs and not settle for what doesn't feel right to me.

[MountainGirl111]

Just shows he doesn't understand how things really work.

 

I really think he is a narcissist. And at the core of narcissism is a person with extremely low self esteem. Thus they seek ways to build and validate their self esteem. Flirting/attention from other females is one way to do that.

[usa1ah]

Thx. These thoughts have occurred to me too. I am almost too good at reading peoples' body language. It's a blessing/curse. I wish I was oblivious sometimes.

 

I've met her. She goes to our gym and they know each other a bit through their professions. They cross paths professionally, I should say. But don't work in the same office. So, I've met her and to tell you the truth, it's very obvious to me she has the hots for him and is "into him" and he enjoys the attention and the feeling he gets from that. She is cold and almost rude and snippy to me. She almost treats me like the "other woman", but I'm not the OW, I'm just his girlfriend. But, she gives off vibes as if she has a claim to him and ..."who am I?!" Oh, well I'm just the girlfriend, I guess. If I didn't know any better, I'd say SHE is jealous of ME. Yuck. This just feels yucky. Thx again.

 

I know I should be talking to him frankly about all this stuff and I've tried. But every time I bring it up he just blows me off.

 

Then why are you still with him?

 

If he will never talk about what is bothering you but puts you down each time you start to bring it up. That is not a healthy relationship. Why are you wasting time with him? This is not a relationship, its live in lovers with one of them playing the field still.

[usa1ah]

I should have finished read your thread first.

 

I know you will find someone that truely loves you.

[MountainGirl111]

I should have finished read your thread first.

 

I know you will find someone that truely loves you.

 

Yeah, I know what you meant, I think! Thx. I cannot tell you how many times I "sort of" broke it off. My gut even told when we first got together he was one that wasn't done playing the field by a long shot.

[MountainGirl111]

 

If he will never talk about what is bothering you but puts you down each time you start to bring it up. That is not a healthy relationship. Why are you wasting time with him? This is not a relationship, its live in lovers with one of them playing the field still.

 

I do kick myself for wasting time, but no one forced me to get with him and stay with him and put up with stuff. He's a very sexual person and I will admit he has had a sexual hold on me. But it ultimately is a turn off sexually when you get the feeling he is 'into' others and they into him...he's quite the hotty, actually. Part of the charm. I normally did not go for guys like him, but he's quite charming. I just couldn't do it anymore and he couldn't understand why I just couldn't be a good sport about it all.

[sweetgirl75]

He is being disrespectful if you have let him know how you feel with all the attention he is getting. If you are exclusive I consider it to be cheating if he is meeting other women. I am just a little old fashioned though. Some guys think if you aren't married they can play the field. I just see relationships differently. You deserve a respectful good man.

[MountainGirl111]

You know you're right. I deserve more respect...I've felt that for awhile now...I even remember telling him once I didn't feel I was getting enough respect...and he adamantly denied that and professed how much he so respected me...but I ended up feeling not respected. Seriously, I do think he was struggling with some self esteem issues and might have been struggling with respecting himself. I think perhaps he felt better about himself when he felt he could have this 'ability' to attract others. Sexually, he was fairly high maintenance.We're both passionate people and when we clicked in sack it was amazing. There were times when I felt like all I really was (essentially) was a sex object. And, when the sex is fulfilling, that's all grand and everything, but it tends to wear off. Oh well, I've been having some hot dates with my guitar lately. (haha)!!

Edited May 9, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[juniorrocha]

I think both of you are insecure.

 

Just because he's flirtatious, doesn't means he will (would) cheat. He just likes the attention. Expecting your partner not to feel attracted by anyone else in the world but you is silly. What matters is how he reacts to that.

 

I think the biggest red flag here was that he continued to do something that was bothering you. You had to choose between accepting that or breaking up, since talking to him didn't make any effect. And I believe you chose wisely, for your own peace of mind.

 

However, you're clearly an insecure person too and I believe you should work on that. You're still hurt from your previous relationship and you're scared of going through the same thing again. I don't blame you, but this may make things bigger/harder than they actually are.

 

And not every man is like your ex-husband and your ex. Believe that. Not every attractive guy is a cheater. Anyone can cheat, being hot or not. It's important though to be with someone you feel safe, and I guess your ex never made you feel that way.

 

Take your time and soon enough you might want to go out there again.

[MountainGirl111]

Oh I will take my time. I always do. Not in any big hurry. I'm not even thinking in terms of the "next relationship". Like I've said in my other posts, I'm a busy person with a full life. I don't need to deal with head games anymore and that's gonna be nice. He did try to make me jealous on purpose at times. He got really miffed once when some guy walked up to me and asked me about my music. He was genuinely interested in the music only. Nothing else. But my ex got pissed and stomped off. I called him on it and he admitted that he was jealous I had a "fan" like that. And I don't have to deal with that BS anymore. Nice. I think most everyone has areas within themselves to do with feeling insecure. My ex husband once threatened to divorce me if music overtook my life. Then we ended up divorcing because he cheated. He cheated because he was insecure. I never cheated because I never felt the need to get my needs met like that. I was living a full life. I didn't have TIME to cheat even if I wanted to! But, really, I'm not insecure about my own attractiveness.I'm just not.I like myself. But, I'm not overly focused on how attractive I am to the opposite sex either. Men do find me attractive though, not just because of my looks but because of my brain, talent, skills, spirit. I just enjoy the things I enjoy; I work hard, but I'm rewarded for it for the most part. Life is good. The relationship was bringing me down in certain ways. Now it won't.

Edited May 10, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[Cilantro]

 

Then the other day I caught him texting with a lady friend and it was really flirtatious and he's known her for awhile and they've gone out to lunch together and stuff. It bothers me. Is he cheating? Or is he just interacting with someone as a friend. I don't know and I'm afraid to ask him cuz whenever I bring something like this up he just accuses me of being "insecure".

 

It sounds like he's emotionally cheating (i.e., flirting or considering cheating), truthfully, sorry. Usually you can trust your gut in these kinds of scenarios. Also, I have to be honest, I find it a little odd that you've been with him for 5 years and he's still only a boyfriend. Generally the chance of getting a proposal goes way down after 2 years. Did you start dating really young or did you start dating when you were already close to or at a normal marrying age? If I were you, I would wonder if maybe he is only keeping you around because you're a sure bet to stay with him, and maybe he's keeping his options open in case someone better (or someone he actually sees himself marrying and staying loyal to for life) comes along. Don't be like my friend, who waited more than 20 years for a man and is now middle aged, menopausal, and regretful that her boyfriend wasted away her reproductive years and didn't marry her when her father would have still been alive to walk her down the aisle.

[MountainGirl111]

Well there is a sense of regret and waste; but I have no one to blame but myself. I am infertile, so not having babies wasn't an issue. I really didn't want a proposal either. And I'm not the kind of person that always dreamed of having my father walk me down the isle. I eloped with my ex husband.