"It is a parents responsibility never to be wrong"

[Bromeo]

Thanks to the community for their ongoing support. I am coming to the end of a very painful post-breakup scenario, and appreciate the kind words and ongoing assistance.

 

To wit,

 

The bracketed quote was frequently stated to me in my youth. I find it funny now.

 

I grew up in a very strict household. Mom was a schoolteacher and small town girl from Tennessee, Dad was a Marine, police officer, and later fed. He was also a devout Catholic, while Mom a devout Baptist.

 

My sister has an IQ of 145. Basically, shes brilliant. My parents put so much pressure on her to succeed that at 18, ran away, got into drugs, rebelled, and came back home pregnant. She is now a cashier at a local grocery store.

 

Johns Hopkins sought to study her brain due to ability to process information so quickly.

 

My parents have never let her forget her wasted potential, how rebellious she was, etc.

 

My dad and I have connected over career. Growing up, he was incredibly strict, and while he rarely struck me, I was frequently grabbed, choked, slammed into walls, ignored, yelled at, etc. All the things expected from a Marine with two tours in Vietnam.

 

It should be noted that he suffers from all the classic PTSD symptoms, hyper-aggression, OCD, depression, etc. He has sought treatment, but had no clue when my sister and I were growing up.

 

While I've let the physical side go, my mom and I have much different, much more contentious relationship. My mother, in my estimation, due to her lack of overall life experience, is extremely judgmental, blames, and reminds people of their mistakes. I find it hard to speak with her without a growing irritation, which I understand is the improper response.

 

On a recent phone call, I tried to establish boundaries, told her the things that she was saying were hurting me, etc. She continued, saying I was whoring myself out to women, how much of a child I was, etc.

 

Best of all, in November 2016, I traveled home and cried on her shoulder due to the breakup that brought me to loveshack. She then ridiculed me for doing so, calling my ex a tart, and saying how weak I was, and under her control I remained. That one hurt.

 

I understand that my responses to stress are off due to the reasons explained above. Often I feel confused as to the proper emotional response.

 

For me, my answer to the above was to delve into perfectionism. Grades, job, everything. I have an awesome career, a top education, and make good money. In my studies I have found that perfectionism is a common response to feeling worthless as a child.

 

Relationships have been up and down, and I take things hard. I struggle with guilt, which I estimate is a result of being blamed for everything growing up. I lean towards women who are insecure, do not communicate clearly, and punish when vexed.

 

Part of my problem is, as I have explained to my circle, is that the advice I receive such as...

 

"Establish proper boundaries";

"None of what happened to you growing up was your fault";

"Walk away, you are an adult and do not have to subject yourself to being hurt".

 

...feels contrary and alien to me, as if I know the advice is correct, but the maltreatment is so ingrained in my brain that change is hard.

 

My questions are,

 

Do I have the responsibility for calling to mend with my mother, or send a gift for the upcoming mother's day?

 

And, more importantly, how does one let go of the guilt, anger, and learn to live with joy?

 

Thanks everyone. This is my first non-breakup related post, and the journaling process helps.

[TheParadox7]

Sorry to hear about all you have gone through. No one should ever have to put up with that, and I can understand why your sister rebelled. (Not siding with her, just saying that I understand.)

 

And as far as parents being wrong goes, they often will be at some point or another. Parents are human.

[GorillaTheater]

That's rich. Parenting is nothing if not "hum a few bars and I'll fake it". So much flying by the seat of your pants, and so many opportunities to f*ck up your kids to one extent or another either inadvertently or otherwise.

 

 

And that's the key, I think. You let go of the resentment and bitterness (in other words, forgive them), not because they deserve it, but because they're humans who screw up and carry their own baggage from childhood that created the lens they view things through. Not to mention the fact that extending grace like that makes your life easier.

 

 

But forgiveness doesn't mean you expose yourself to their toxicity any more than absolutely necessary. You might find it a lot more healthy for you to put a whole lot of distance between yourself and them. Forgiveness also doesn't mean you're obligated or responsible to mend the relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

Best of all, in November 2016, I traveled home and cried on her shoulder due to the breakup that brought me to loveshack.

 

Given the history, how could that possibly have seemed like a good idea ? Forget healthy boundaries, at some point you have to exercise common sense.

 

You obviously have a clear picture of who - and what - your mother is. With the info in hand, up to you to create a safe distance and tolerable level of interaction. Hopefully, lesson learned...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

Do I have the responsibility for calling to mend with my mother, or send a gift for the upcoming mother's day?

 

And, more importantly, how does one let go of the guilt, anger, and learn to live with joy?

No, you do not have an obligation or responsibility towards your mother (or anyone else) to act in ways that would be fake or not true to and in alignment with your own feelings, or that would diminish your own sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

 

This article, Karmic relationships with parents, provides insights into the contentious aspects of all our relationships, not just with our parents. I'm still working with it myself, but I suspect that it is also about how we can become guilt-free and anger-free -- and genuinely forgiving, happy and joyful.

 

Wishing you the best.