I can't date her, she's ugly.

[Shining One]

I can't say I've ever had this experience. My male friends and I would comment on the attractiveness of another's one-night-stands and flings, but girlfriends were off limits. I suppose if they said my girlfriend was unattractive, I would let them know their opinion doesn't count. As long as they don't throw their opinions in her face and they don't pester me with it, I wouldn't distance myself from those friends.

[Whodatdog]

I have never had a friend who didnt want me to be happy. If they DIDNT want me to be happy, they werent friends. They were just aquaintences, who will turn their back on you in a minute if its in their best interest.

 

Sounds like this girl will never turn her back on you, and will be there when you need a true friend. And will be there 10 years from now. Your so called friends wont be.

[Larryville]

I have a backbone. I've decided to keep seeing her and just distance myself a bit from my friends.

 

So OP it sounds like you are going all in apparently… cool.

 

Keeping this in mind…

 

Opinions are like ass****s. Everybody has one.

LOL!

 

Few things…

 

JuneL: But the OP DOES find his gf cute and attractive, unlike the situation you described!!

 

He did not say attractive… but what makes someone attractive is very subjective. Things like age, genes (of this is a long term gig how does mom look?) race, upbringing, culture… the question is are the OP’s definition of looks similar too or vastly different than his friends?

 

I think she's cute, personally.

 

The problem is, she is ugly. According to my friends.

 

That is a powerful statement, I have never in my life said to a friend that his girl is UGLY, to his or her face? Seriously? Not unattractive or ok looking UGLY!

 

Op said cute… and it apparently bothered him enough to post about it.

 

Which goes to…

 

Poor gal. She would probably end it in a minute if she knew you cared more about what your friends think than what you think yourself.

 

That can NOT be ignored. Anyone who comes here and willingly puts themselves out there to solicit opinions from strangers means this is a mental struggle.

 

If Op had no doubts about her looks and her being “one in a million” then this thread does not exist. So even if he presses on with this the seed of doubt won’t go away.

 

So he said cute, what is that exactly?

 

If you're being told that you are “cute” that means that they think you are (somewhat) attractive but in the sisterly way. Have any of you dated anyone long term you thought was “cute?” and being honest did you think you settled?

 

I have never dated anyone “seriously” that I considered “cute.”

 

A beautiful girl is a girl with a sense of overall beauty. A beautiful girl is a girl that is attractive both physically AND personality wise.

 

If you were to call off things with this lady due to your friends's remarks about her, I'd be incredibly concerned and questioning why you're even 'friends' with people like that.

 

That is a big deal because your friends are a reflection of yourself.

 

But he said…

 

my friends have always been important to me. In the past I very much valued their opinion, which is why this situation was confusing for me.

 

The thing is if you had voiced to your “friends” that this woman was “special” to you would they have still dissed her looks, called her UGLY?

 

You are going to not be able to ignore this situation with your mean friends.

 

She will notice this crap one day and blame you…

 

Exactly…

 

They need to get to know your gf and see for themselves that she's a good person and someone who makes you happy. If that can't do that and are judging her for her looks they are NOT true friends.

 

We don’t know all of the conversations you have had with your friends about her, I don’t believe I saw your age either, however your friends take their lead from you.

 

If one of your friends said something not cool about her did you basically get in their face or did you just grin and stay silent?

 

The other thing that has not been mentioned is HER friends. What do they think of you?

 

I just find it odd that everyone is bashing on his friends when all we know is what OP stated here. How many of you have had “friends” or family say something negative and you totally ignored.

 

I mean as OP stated friends that you VALUE their opinion. Just sayin’

[Purepony]

I'm just wondering not to sidetrack the op but do you think looks will eventually bother you in the long run ?

Also can you specify what it is they criticize? Is it her weight ? Looks ? Height? Skin tone ? Give us more of an idea

Thanks

[SoulCat]

Just tell them she's good in bed.

 

Really? You're advising OP to devalue this woman like that?

So never mind that she's smart, cute and funny?

 

In order to get OP's friends to get off his back he's got to devalue this lady by rating her on her sexual performance?

Seriously, shame on you.

 

How about suggesting to OP that his friends can go kick rocks while he builds a fab future with an amazing person?

[Ronni_W]

I definitely wouldn't mind settling down and starting a family with this girl. Starting over and getting all new friends that I've had for over 10 years is a tough decision though.

You would not be "starting over", you would be growing up.

 

That you see yourself as being able to, at whatever point, commit to settling down and starting a family with this woman ought to give you some inner indication that you are actually ready to make HER the priority for your feelings and concerns; to make HER the priority in your life rather than choosing to submit to and tolerate and cater to people who clearly are mean and superficial. They do not care about your actual happiness, nor about what you value and find attractive and want out of life.

 

Stay true to what YOU value and find attractive and want out of life, for goodness' sake and why not?

 

When you do get married and have a family, other people's importance in your life properly will fade in any case.

[anduina]

I have a backbone. I've decided to keep seeing her and just distance myself a bit from my friends.

 

I know this post may have sounded silly, but my friends have always been important to me. In the past I very much valued their opinion, which is why this situation was confusing for me. They are my friends, but I don't want to let an opportunity to be with a great person pass me by.

 

So like I said, I'm going to go for it and whatever happens with them, happens.

You don't need to distance yourself from your friends. All you need to do is to shut them down the next time they criticize your g/f and if they're real friends, they will abide. That's where the backbone comes into play.

[anika99]

I have a backbone. I've decided to keep seeing her and just distance myself a bit from my friends.

 

I know this post may have sounded silly, but my friends have always been important to me. In the past I very much valued their opinion, which is why this situation was confusing for me. They are my friends, but I don't want to let an opportunity to be with a great person pass me by.

 

So like I said, I'm going to go for it and whatever happens with them, happens.

 

You don't have a backbone. That's why you have decided to distance yourself from your friends rather than stand up to them. It's also why your friends think they can insult your girlfriend to your face. They don't respect you and you don't command respect from them.

 

I actually knew a couple who behaved the way your friends are behaving. They were married and the husband ran a construction business that he started on his own. Almost all of his employees were guys he had been friends with for years. They all admired him and kissed his ass. One of his favorite past times that he and his wife both enjoyed was going after the partners of these guys. They loved to stick their noses into these guys' relationships and give their opinions. For some reason that was beyond me, they didn't seem to like it when any of these guys became seriously involved with a woman or were already seriously involved. So whenever they had the guy alone they start picking apart his wife/gf and find fault with her. She not attractive, she doesn't care about you, she won't make you happy, etc. It sounds far fetched but they really did run off several women this way. They'd get in the guys head and then he'd start looking at his woman differently and the next you know they were fighting and breaking up.

 

Now this couple didn't go attacking every guys relationship, just the ones where they knew the guy was weak, lacked boundaries and wouldn't stick up for his woman or his relationship. There were a few guys who they wouldn't have even dreamed of insulting their gf or wife. They knew that with these guys that would be crossing a serious line. The women they attacked and the women they didn't attack had nothing to do with the women themselves, it had to do with their lack of respect for the guy. If they respected the guy they didn't make smart ass remarks about his woman, if they didn't respect him then regarded his woman with the same lack of respect.

 

So I'm with those who say that you should defend your gf and put your friends in their place. You don't have to have a big fight with them, just tell them that when they disrespect your gf they are disrespecting you and you expect respect from friends. Let them know you won't tolerate their unkind comments. Then the ball is in their court. If they truly like you and respect you as a friend they will heed your words and continue the friendship without being disrespectful of your gf. If they stop being friends with you or refuse to stop insulting your gf then you know they aren't really friends in the first place.

[anika99]

You don't need to distance yourself from your friends. All you need to do is to shut them down the next time they criticize your g/f and if they're real friends, they will abide. That's where the backbone comes into play.

 

said much more efficiently and succinctly then I said it

[JuneL]

 

So he said cute, what is that exactly?

 

If you're being told that you are “cute” that means that they think you are (somewhat) attractive but in the sisterly way. Have any of you dated anyone long term you thought was “cute?” and being honest did you think you settled?

 

I have never dated anyone “seriously” that I considered “cute.”

 

 

Interesting to hear this from a guy. Coincidentally, I've done a little digging into the use of the word "cute" on the internet not long ago. I even started a thread on this very topic here last month. Here's the general impression I got from a few sources on the internet:

 

"There are indeed some women who would be a little offended when being called cute by a guy, as they think the guy probably doesn't have something better to say about her looks. Apparently, however, most guys think that calling a woman cute is a real compliment, because it encompasses the whole package (her personality in addition to her looks)."

 

In fact, some guys are offended that some women would think of "cute" as a 2nd best compliment. Here's a comment by a poster from that thread, which is typical of what I learned from my quick internet search:

 

"If I say a girl is cute it means she's attractive, feminine, appealing. As the definition say's "dainty." Nothing about that is dismissive. Nor is it a description that you should feel is "2nd best" to pretty or beautiful, or any other adjective that describes someone who's attractive. If that bothers you then you're getting too hung up on a word that's intent is positive. If it makes you feel not quite good enough then it's an issue you have with your self perception more than it's a 2nd rate compliment on your looks. If someone say's you're cute, you are an attractive person, so you're winning! Don't overthink it!"

 

I should also add that I've seen quite a few guys, both here or on dating sites, specifically state that they are looking for a cute woman.

 

Anyway, ultimately, OP is the one who knows if he is settling deep down. From what he has written so far, it sounds like his feelings for his girlfriend are genuine. It also sounds like he's young and doesn't know how to handle peer pressure.

[Springsummer]

You don't have a backbone. That's why you have decided to distance yourself from your friends rather than stand up to them. It's also why your friends think they can insult your girlfriend to your face. They don't respect you and you don't command respect from them.

 

I actually knew a couple who behaved the way your friends are behaving. They were married and the husband ran a construction business that he started on his own. Almost all of his employees were guys he had been friends with for years. They all admired him and kissed his ass. One of his favorite past times that he and his wife both enjoyed was going after the partners of these guys. They loved to stick their noses into these guys' relationships and give their opinions. For some reason that was beyond me, they didn't seem to like it when any of these guys became seriously involved with a woman or were already seriously involved. So whenever they had the guy alone they start picking apart his wife/gf and find fault with her. She not attractive, she doesn't care about you, she won't make you happy, etc. It sounds far fetched but they really did run off several women this way. They'd get in the guys head and then he'd start looking at his woman differently and the next you know they were fighting and breaking up.

 

Now this couple didn't go attacking every guys relationship, just the ones where they knew the guy was weak, lacked boundaries and wouldn't stick up for his woman or his relationship. There were a few guys who they wouldn't have even dreamed of insulting their gf or wife. They knew that with these guys that would be crossing a serious line. The women they attacked and the women they didn't attack had nothing to do with the women themselves, it had to do with their lack of respect for the guy. If they respected the guy they didn't make smart ass remarks about his woman, if they didn't respect him then regarded his woman with the same lack of respect.

 

So I'm with those who say that you should defend your gf and put your friends in their place. You don't have to have a big fight with them, just tell them that when they disrespect your gf they are disrespecting you and you expect respect from friends. Let them know you won't tolerate their unkind comments. Then the ball is in their court. If they truly like you and respect you as a friend they will heed your words and continue the friendship without being disrespectful of your gf. If they stop being friends with you or refuse to stop insulting your gf then you know they aren't really friends in the first place.

 

wow.......that's illuminating. Thanks for sharing.

[Fresnite]

Ok I know I'm new here, but this post is concerning. I just read the OP not anyone's replies.

 

Dude, you don't need to please anyone else besides yourself and the girl you are trying to make the happiest girl in the world. It's a fact like you said, you find her attractive and her personality exemplifies her being more beautiful. That's a great catch.

 

I know it's a out dated movie, but watch Shallow Hal. He saw something different then everyone else and to others she may have been "ugly" in his eyes she was amazingly beautiful and HE was HAPPY ?

[JuneL]

You don't have a backbone. That's why you have decided to distance yourself from your friends rather than stand up to them. It's also why your friends think they can insult your girlfriend to your face. They don't respect you and you don't command respect from them.

 

 

This!

 

Well said, Anika!!

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Keep the girl and ditch the friends. True friends would want to see you happy abd wouldn't talk trash about your girl.

[act00]

Your friends sound like a**holes. Who says something like that?? You like her. She may not be the hotness you see on TV, but you find her exceptionally attractive and beautiful in so many ways. What I suggest to you is you ask your so-called friends why they are being such d*cks and you don't appreciate them talking about the woman you care deeply about in such a derogatory way. If they are that unhappy with her, they can pound sand because she is here to stay. Seriously, when someone says something nasty about your girlfriend, ask them, "Why would you say something so cruel?"

 

Why do you align yourself with such superficial and ugly people? I think you just learned what good friends are, and yours definitely are not. Good friends would encourage your new love interest and wouldn't care if she met some quality of beautiful that is largely not what you see in media.

 

I'm not sure these people you align yourself with are friends. I think you need to call them out every time they trash-talk your girlfriend (maybe not girlfriend yet but love interest). That's just not right, and it's cruel.

[mikeylo]

What did you say to your friends when they said to your face that your gf is ugly ? It seems like you just heard them and didn't retaliate? The day isn't far when the word will come to your gf. She WILL know what they said and you just stood there AND are still friends with them.

 

So they were there for 10 years. People cut ties with parents for love. Go figure.

[Mr Scorpio]

I have a backbone. I've decided to keep seeing her and just distance myself a bit from my friends.

 

What I'm curious about -- and please forgive me if you've already addressed this in the thread -- is why your friends' opinions regarding your GFs attractiveness are relevant to the situation?

 

Friend: Bro.. bro.. your girl is totally a dog.. I was about to fire off a set of hammer curls.. I just had to tell you first..

 

You: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think she's attractive. And your traps are too small... a****le.

 

/The End

[Phoenician]

it doesnt matter how ppl see your lady

if u see her beautiful thats enough.

after 18 years Of ugly marriage with what everynody see

as a great looking lady all what i can say if a great heart

looking lady who looks ugly loves me i will see her as a venus .

[spiderowl]

Your friends are immature, they do not know what matters in a relationship. They are still at the 'scoring' stage.

 

I'll tell you a story:

 

Someone I know - a really attractive guy who could have had any woman just about - dated a woman that was really not conventionally pretty. She was a bit odd-looking, if I can say that. I know her and she's an interesting woman, fun and entertaining company. Anyway, she dumped him! She decided he was controlling and too flirty with other women (he was) and she just didn't need that.

 

This guy fell apart. He was devastated and could not let go. He was in mourning for years, literally. He turned to drink. To him, this woman was irreplaceable. He was in his 40s and had dated lots of women. He genuinely was the kind of guy who women were very attracted to - artistic, literary, successful, Swedish good-looks - he could have moved on and met someone else very quickly, but this was the woman he wanted.

 

Point is, while looks are superficial and are the first thing that attracts a partner, the rest matters a heck of a lot more. Enjoying a person's company, their personality, bonding with them and, most of all, missing them, is what a lasting relationship is about.

 

Why not tell your friends that she's great company, the most exciting woman you know, and that you are not interested in shallow, good-looking women. If you are passionate about this woman and find her exciting, instead of teasing you they will start to wonder what they are missing.

Edited April 23, 2017 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

Just read more of this thread. If you are in the gym business and your friends are too, then their world is full of looks and body-beautiful. They have a distorted view of reality. I've noticed the same thing when visiting my hairdressers, all the talk is about looks and whether or not they would have cosmetic surgery if they were older, etc. It's a very closed world in some ways. Just remind them that there is more out there than this mini-world you and your friends inhabit. It might make them think twice. In fact, I bet if you stand up for your girlfriend and tell them she's amazing, they will suddenly start confessing to you (pivately) how attracted they find various women who are not conventionally beautiful. They probably keep such thoughts private at the moment for fear of peer-pressure.