How to get over someone when you're not sure it's over

[jake1980]

I've been in a long distance relationship for a few months with someone. We connected deeply and talked everyday for hours (either through text or on the phone). We've seen each other twice and both times ended up having physical contact. For reasons I will not go into here, we cannot be together unless circumstances change. We've tried stopping all contact without success and we've both had a terrible time dealing with our feelings for each other knowing it is an impossible situation for now. We are in the middle of a no contact phase but we have to see each other in June and again in July. Before the most recent "no contact", she wanted desperately to try to be friends but I told her that was unrealistic and so we are doing the no contact thing once again. The problem is that it's very hard to get over someone when you are not sure it's really ever going to be over. And there is of course, some hope on my end that it won't be. And even though she's had a terrible time sticking with no contact before, she seems to be doing fine now. She told me that she is just living in denial for now and I guess her love for me is part of that denial so it makes it easier? I'm having a terrible time with it and finding that the most painful part is imagining her doing fine or getting over me. Before, we both said we didn't think that would happen but now, I think she is trying to do that. Please no judging here - I just want some help. On the one hand, I wish I knew if her feelings were still as strong as before but on the other hand, how will I ever get over this if I don't want it to be over or if there is any hope of a future? I also know this sounds ridiculous but the longest we've ever gone doing no contact is 6 days and that is where we are now. I keep checking my phone and am heartbroken everytime there is nothing. I guess I expect her to cave by now but doesn't seem like she is going to. Please help - anyone out there who can relate to how awful this feels without making me feel any more ridiculous than I already do. Thanks in advance.

[preraph]

Is it likely circumstances will change so you can be together in the same place in the next 2 years? I mean, is this school, work, or a spouse? Really, either way, if you can't be together, you can't be together, so you should move on. I mean, hypothetically if you dated and found a new girlfriend but then this one miraculously found herself single and in living in your town, you could always pick the best one. But if she is taken and is cheating, remember she'll do it to you too. You should just move on with life. You can't really have a long distance relationship unless at some point one or both of you are ready to move and find new jobs.

[MountainGirl111]

I think perhaps one of the biggest problems here is the physical distance. Maybe I'm jaded, but it's almost impossible to have a good, fulfilling relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away. Almost impossible. I wouldn't totally count it out. I guess time will tell.

 

I've been there. Left sort of hanging. And I've witnessed others who were miserable being so far away from someone they love or are in love with. It seems like there comes a sort of breaking point in which you either find a way to truly be together or you just cannot take it anymore and break it off completely because it hurts too much. I empathize with you.

[DontBreakEven]

I honestly don't even know what this reply means? The whole point is that when we contact one another we fall back into a place of "being in love" and wanting to be together. So trying not to contact the other is a means to help us move on or at least get some perspective. I'm hurting and missing her terribly right now. I'm not making something out of nothing but thank you for the rude response. I guess you missed the part where I asked for no judgements and only helpful responses. Yours is neither helpful nor appreciated. It's quite obvious you have zero experience so why reply at all? This is supposed to be a place of support - maybe you should keep that in mind when posting.

 

He had to have been replying to a different thread. I felt like I was on drugs when I read that reply. Did you ever even mention a birthday card??

[whatnot]

LDR here for 7 years. Have not seen nor spoken for 1 year.

 

 

It's a mind game. All these questions, ruminations, wonderings, longings, fantasies, all of it....

 

At first it is physical pain. then emotional, now (with me) mostly mental (emotional from time to time)

 

 

Once you get to the mental....you can really begin to take control of your thought processes. Where you are....just ***k**g hang on anyway you have to to get you through the day. You'll be fine. Really...you will be fine.

 

 

Any contact draws this process out. Making a decision is essential.

[whatnot]

My last "good bye" to her was....

 

"You've only been willing to see me one time in 5 months. I think I'll take some time for myself as well. Any attempt to contact me will not be responded to".

 

That was it. A business decision. I had to for my own self-preservation. No price was too high.

 

 

It's hard. Not impossible.

 

 

I apologize Jake1980. I just read the title to your thread again..... "How to get over someone when you're not sure it's over". I admit to not knowing how to do that. I cannot tell you how to do that. To me....that statement is called "a contradiction in terms". Getting over someone, and not getting over someone, at the same time, are mutually exclusive concepts (for me). Both cannot be done simultaneously. You cannot do something, and not do it, at the same time.

 

Good luck man

Edited April 22, 2017 by whatnot

[Techmonkey]

Speaking from my own experience, I feel you're just hurting yourself by hanging on to hope. Commit to the idea of moving on and go for it. Use the tools your carrier provides to block calls and texts and there won't be any need to check your phone. Be strong and keep yourself busy. Dwelling on it and waiting makes it hurt exponentially more.

[EmilyJane]

I think you need to tell us why you feel the relationship is doomed and you can't be together so that we can give you targeted advice.

 

At the moment I'm not convinced you weren't just creating drama that you thought would confirm how in love with you she is and are upset it backfired spectacularly.

 

I mean, it's clearly not distance because you "have to" see each other shortly and usually on here when people don't give highly relevant details like that it's because they don't want others honest opinions.

 

That said, if you genuinely want to move on knowing that you both loved each other but can't be together right now I can relate. It's horrendous. Horribly difficult to move on from. But once you've cut contact and decided to get on with life single it becomes steadily easier. The trick is to fill your life with things that are good for you and your future, and on the days you need to cry with missing them and regrets, then just cry knowing the pain will ease.

Edited April 22, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Maldives]

I've been in a long distance relationship for a few months with someone. We connected deeply and talked everyday for hours (either through text or on the phone). We've seen each other twice and both times ended up having physical contact. For reasons I will not go into here, we cannot be together unless circumstances change. We've tried stopping all contact without success and we've both had a terrible time dealing with our feelings for each other knowing it is an impossible situation for now. We are in the middle of a no contact phase but we have to see each other in June and again in July. Before the most recent "no contact", she wanted desperately to try to be friends but I told her that was unrealistic and so we are doing the no contact thing once again. The problem is that it's very hard to get over someone when you are not sure it's really ever going to be over. And there is of course, some hope on my end that it won't be. And even though she's had a terrible time sticking with no contact before, she seems to be doing fine now. She told me that she is just living in denial for now and I guess her love for me is part of that denial so it makes it easier? I'm having a terrible time with it and finding that the most painful part is imagining her doing fine or getting over me. Before, we both said we didn't think that would happen but now, I think she is trying to do that. Please no judging here - I just want some help. On the one hand, I wish I knew if her feelings were still as strong as before but on the other hand, how will I ever get over this if I don't want it to be over or if there is any hope of a future? I also know this sounds ridiculous but the longest we've ever gone doing no contact is 6 days and that is where we are now. I keep checking my phone and am heartbroken everytime there is nothing. I guess I expect her to cave by now but doesn't seem like she is going to. Please help - anyone out there who can relate to how awful this feels without making me feel any more ridiculous than I already do. Thanks in advance.

 

My ex I wss wth for 6 yrs 2 of that was spent apart ldr. Although I'm not sure what ur issues are about not being able to be together? Does she have kids? Your not willing to move to her or vice versa? A job sacrifice? Whatever it is i guess you have to weight up wether it's worth it or not I meaning relation to obviously something has to be given up by the sounds of it to be together. I'm gonna take a guess and say that's what it is? Weigh up the pros and cons ur obviously hurting enough to want to be with her. Any decision in life is gonna have some pros and cons and u wont know till u travel that path. All I know is ur gonna be in pain if u sit wth where ur at. I moved interstate sold the house everything for a lifestyle choice was it worth it? Yes and no. I shld never hav sold the house because 4 yrsl down the track my ex left and it's thrown all my plans up in the air but I've never bought up here either because I don't know wat i want so in hindsight it would of been better to have kept the house down sth as property down there also boomed and it's not so easy to get back in that market where as up here its still affordable but here's my Achilles heel I don't know if I wanna be here long term. So any decision u make is gonna have some consequencesort my advice would be to think it thru carefully is that ur gut holding u back being wth her or fear? There is a better way make an informed decision. If id researched property markets before I sold maybe I would have made a better decision still lived here but gained the capital growth as well in the property too late now we missed out on 100s of thousands of dollars and that really is a bug lesson. Funny I use to take a shot at my folks for doing the same and vowing to never be like then yet here i am doing the exact same thing they did in the 70's

[whatnot]

I think you need to tell us why you feel the relationship is doomed and you can't be together so that we can give you targeted advice.

 

At the moment I'm not convinced you weren't just creating drama that you thought would confirm how in love with you she is and are upset it backfired spectacularly.

 

I mean, it's clearly not distance because you "have to" see each other shortly and usually on here when people don't give highly relevant details like that it's because they don't want others honest opinions.

there's another person involved.

 

scared of judgement. and already knows what's coming' from this forum. he's really hurting, in alot of pain, wants pain control without the medicine. If you read his post, that's all he's asking for, no advice, no solutions as to it's cause. just how to deal with painful emotions. He's older as well...so he already knows....one man's opinion, could be wrong

Edited April 22, 2017 by whatnot

[jake1980]

Appreciate the responses. I was vague about why we can't be together because I didn't want the focus to be on bashing me rather than helping me deal with the process of trying to let someone go. But here it is...we are both married to other people. And we are all friends. Our children play together when we all meet up. It sounds horrible on papaer. I've never cheated before in my life but we do have a connection with one another that we are missing in our spouses. We have not taken things to the physical extreme and have cut back on flirting/texting - but there are still times when we may slip up and say something you just don't typically say to a "friend". We are both working on our marriages and trying to get what has been missing. We are trying to be just friends because we cannot go full on no contact given our situation (unless we want to destroy everyone involved). I do love her and she loves me - it's a different love from what I feel for my wife but I realize it's an impossible situation. I just have to let it go. Alright, let the bashing begin.