Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I'm on day 3 of NC and have an overwhelming urge to contact him. I'm not sure why, I felt OK for most of the day. I would have to go to some lengths to contact him...but I could if I really wanted to. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I'm here to tell you you will regret it if you do. This feeling is just a part of the withdrawal syndrome you have to experience to get over the addiction of the affair. If you relieve your pain and anxiety by breaking NC, not only will it be just a temporary fix, but it will set you back and you will STILL have to go through this pain. In addition, something will likely happen to hurt you again. Think it through. What will you accomplish? Do you really think anything will change? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 No, nothing will change. He will still be married. He will still not want to be with me. I just hate this compulsion to do something I know isn't in my best interests! Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Think of it this way. If you get through this urge -and you will- your resolve will grow. You will feel stronger. You will believe even more in your ability to find your way out of this unhealthy mess. The next time you get this urge-and you will, it's a normal part of the process- you will have this positive experience to fall back on. You will already know that you can get past this overwhelming urge. Thnk of it as building a bank of strength. Each time you make it, you will be stronger and will have experience and proof for yourself that you have got this. If you break NC, your resolve will weaken. You will doubt yourself. You will have no previous success to fall back on. You will lose faith in yourself. I think most of us on here have felt this wave of longing and need to reach out. I always compare it to childbirth. A wave of unbelievable pain, but if you stick it out, it calms down and sooner than you would think. Hang in there. Nothing has changed. Reread your thread. You are now longing for validation and assurance from him that this was real. It's just an emotion, that's all. You can do it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
nancy1989 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I am sooo tempted to call my ex but I know nothing will change. For me its only day 1.... Plus we break up every week Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I found for some reason the first 3 days were the worst. Don't know why but 3 seemed like a "magical" number. 1st day 3rd day One week...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Keep strong and stay NC. You'll have good days and bad days and downright awful days, but each time you break NC, it will set you back. I'm about 6 months NC and I had a moment of weakness a while back and texted him. The response was not unkind, and it still set me back for weeks. Back to that horrible sadness and loss and shame and obsessiveness The longer you stay NC the better you will feel. Keep it going. No contact = no new pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Think of it this way. If you get through this urge -and you will- your resolve will grow. You will feel stronger. You will believe even more in your ability to find your way out of this unhealthy mess. The next time you get this urge-and you will, it's a normal part of the process- you will have this positive experience to fall back on. You will already know that you can get past this overwhelming urge. Thnk of it as building a bank of strength. Each time you make it, you will be stronger and will have experience and proof for yourself that you have got this. If you break NC, your resolve will weaken. You will doubt yourself. You will have no previous success to fall back on. You will lose faith in yourself. I think most of us on here have felt this wave of longing and need to reach out. I always compare it to childbirth. A wave of unbelievable pain, but if you stick it out, it calms down and sooner than you would think. Hang in there. Nothing has changed. Reread your thread. You are now longing for validation and assurance from him that this was real. It's just an emotion, that's all. You can do it. That's so true, that's all it is. I hadn't thought of it like that... Each time I resist I'm building a new habit and something to fall back on. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I am sooo tempted to call my ex but I know nothing will change. For me its only day 1.... Plus we break up every week That must be tough. This is our first break up (if you don't cont the first time he went home). I'm sure we can do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I found for some reason the first 3 days were the worst. Don't know why but 3 seemed like a "magical" number. 1st day 3rd day One week...... I've been pretty ok until now. I hope it gets easier. I think I'm thinking about going to work next week and the reality of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Keep strong and stay NC. You'll have good days and bad days and downright awful days, but each time you break NC, it will set you back. I'm about 6 months NC and I had a moment of weakness a while back and texted him. The response was not unkind, and it still set me back for weeks. Back to that horrible sadness and loss and shame and obsessiveness The longer you stay NC the better you will feel. Keep it going. No contact = no new pain. that's a good way of looking at it. You're right, this is just a bad day. Well done on going 6 months and not letting your moment of weakness derail you completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I'm going to bed and reading a book to try and take my mind off things. I've packed anything related to him away so it's not in my face. I also downloaded a few dating apps (not because I'm ready but out of panic)...used them for about 5 mins and deleted them all. I think I'm just worrying about what will happen at work on Monday. I keep telling myself to just take it one day at a time. Just focus on getting through Monday without speaking to him and then the next day then the next until it's normal. It'll just be hard as there's never been a day we haven't spoken at work. I also know he will be out getting drunk tonight and I guess I'd half been thinking he might make contact when his guard was down. I'm grateful he hasn't but it still hurts that he doesn't appear to care. I have to remind myself I don't need him to validate me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 "When you're going through hell - keep going" -Winston Churchill. The only way to the point of indifference is to get through this stage and have it recede into the past. If you break Nc now, you just restart the clock and have to do it all over again. Good job and stay strong! On Monday - DON'T be polite, don't smile, don't make eye contact. Just interact the bare minimum of what you need to do to be professional, and no more. And be aware that this will likely prompt him to reach out like "What's wrong, are you ok?" Don't take the bait. He knows full well what is wrong and his part in it, and it's no longer his business if you're ok or not! Hugs xoxox 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I'm on day 3 of NC and have an overwhelming urge to contact him. I'm not sure why, I felt OK for most of the day. I would have to go to some lengths to contact him...but I could if I really wanted to. Help! Don't do it. No good can come of it and you'll feel worse if he doesn't respond. Read this opening post and the few after that. I hope this helps you understand why staying in NC is best. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeekLover Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 No! Don't. It's really not worth it. As soon as you do, you'll start feeling weak and you'll wish you hadn't. The results will not be anything great. Please listen to everyone else telling you not to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 It's not an urge, it's a habit. So much time was spent texting or talking to him that. Now there is a void of space Fill the void with something. Make new habits. Find a hobby. Etc He's nothing. It's not the feelings for him, it's the habit of him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 Thank you all. I didn't do it, but I had a rubbish nights sleep and I've woken up and I'm sad. Weekends are hard as we usually hung out. But you're all right, it's got to get tough to get better. I'll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 It's not an urge, it's a habit. So much time was spent texting or talking to him that. Now there is a void of space Fill the void with something. Make new habits. Find a hobby. Etc He's nothing. It's not the feelings for him, it's the habit of him I think you might be right here. Unfortunately I've spent nearly a year making myself always available incase he was able to see me...this means I've neglected pretty much every other part of my life, so I'm a bit lost right now. Definitely need some new habits! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 "When you're going through hell - keep going" -Winston Churchill. The only way to the point of indifference is to get through this stage and have it recede into the past. If you break Nc now, you just restart the clock and have to do it all over again. Good job and stay strong! On Monday - DON'T be polite, don't smile, don't make eye contact. Just interact the bare minimum of what you need to do to be professional, and no more. And be aware that this will likely prompt him to reach out like "What's wrong, are you ok?" Don't take the bait. He knows full well what is wrong and his part in it, and it's no longer his business if you're ok or not! Hugs xoxox Luckily I have no need to speak to him in any way, so I'm going to take your advice and avoid being polite, smiling etc. I hope he doesn't reach out...he asked me to leave him alone do hopefully me doing that will be what he expects!! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 Don't do it. No good can come of it and you'll feel worse if he doesn't respond. Read this opening post and the few after that. I hope this helps you understand why staying in NC is best. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion Thank you, I've bookmarked that so I will have it whenever that feeling comes. I don't want to go backwards Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 No! Don't. It's really not worth it. As soon as you do, you'll start feeling weak and you'll wish you hadn't. The results will not be anything great. Please listen to everyone else telling you not to. Thank you, I didn't. And even though I feel sad and have a hole in the pit of my stomach I don't feel weak which is a great feeling really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 23, 2017 Author Share Posted April 23, 2017 Silence can hold more power than words. It has power to make a heartless person love and an innocent person hate. It is much more powerful than words because it takes effort to keep. It is not only about closing your mouth. It is about taking in others' actions or words, thinking about them, formulating an answer, criticising that answer, searching for logic from your mind and reason from your heart, and then convincing yourself that not saying the answer is better. Silence is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of intelligence and inner power. It is a sign of faith that replying in the same manner you were treated with will only make you just as ignorant. Learn to be an observer, a deep one who reflects not only on his or her mistakes, but also on the mistakes of others. Just came across this. No idea where it's from but it seems fitting for NC, so I thought I'd share it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused1990 Posted April 23, 2017 Share Posted April 23, 2017 Rebelnoir, thank you for sharing! I read the paragraph over and over again, it is a useful reminder to ourselves not to cave in during NC, to stop accepting breadcrumbs and not to give up as we build up our inner strength. We can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted April 23, 2017 Share Posted April 23, 2017 I got three text messages from him today. I responded with the photo his wife posted of them holding hands. Complete silence since. It's not worth it to go backwards. Silence is the most powerful weapon against them hurting you further. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rebelnoir Posted April 24, 2017 Author Share Posted April 24, 2017 First day of work since NC. I'm dreading it. I'm dreading what seeing him will make me feel and how I'll react. I'm trying to tell myself it's a good thing as up until now I've always wanted to see him. So something's changed at least. Link to post Share on other sites
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