Tempted to break NC

[Cali408]

You'll get through it. You got through the weekend, you have the wind at your back now. Just another day.

[Rebelnoir]

You'll get through it. You got through the weekend, you have the wind at your back now. Just another day.

 

Thank you. I did get through it...for some reason he was everywhere I was today. It was tough and I really wanted to speak to him, but I didn't. Tomorrow is a new day, so just have to do the same again. It's harder seeing him though, wondering what he's thinking and whether he's missing me like I am him. I hope it gets easier.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[Rebelnoir]

I got three text messages from him today. I responded with the photo his wife posted of them holding hands.

 

Complete silence since. It's not worth it to go backwards. Silence is the most powerful weapon against them hurting you further.

 

 

Three messages and he's trying to make things work with his wife? Just goes to show everyone is right when they say things like texts are just breadcrumbs. They don't mean anything. Well done on staying strong. I read your post when I was tempted to speak to him today and you're right, the only way to stop him hurting me is not to engage. So thank you!

[Rebelnoir]

Rebelnoir, thank you for sharing!

 

I read the paragraph over and over again, it is a useful reminder to ourselves not to cave in during NC, to stop accepting breadcrumbs and not to give up as we build up our inner strength. We can do it!

 

Yes we can. Despite everything that is going on, how much I miss him, I actually feel for once that I'm putting myself first. And that feels good. I hope you do too.

[Rebelnoir]

I need to try and avoid seeing him so much. He was watching me all the time today, giving me sad smiles. I avoided eye contact. I avoided being too close, but it was still difficult. It made me think about what he was thinking, whether he thinks he's made a mistake etc and I just don't need that right now. As much as I want him to turn up divorce papers in hand and wander off into the sunset with me, I know that isn't what's best. I hope it gets easier. I want to stop loving him so much.

[freengreen]

Think....you give a deep message, wait for the reply.. wait more, wait for next 7 days. That feeling that you messaged someone who couldnt care less.

 

ps: no you dont win even if he does.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Rebel- I have not commented or posted on here for awhile but I thought that maybe i could help you even just a little.

 

Hearing that he was giving you small sad smiles is concerning and tells me he is going to try again once things calm down at home. You have a lot of feelings for him so it will be easy to listen to what he says and fall back into the trap. Seeing him at work sucks and you being there will make him think you are still available to him. Do NOT, i repeat do NOT engage with him in anyway outside of work - do not look at him in the hall, do not send him any smoke signals and if he sends them to you run away.

 

I am sure he does miss you and is hurting but he is bad news and will only drag you back down with him.

 

Chances are with you working near him this could restart again maybe knowing he will come back at some point will help make you stronger and know what to do when it happens. Do not focus on his words only his actions it is the only thing that means anything at this point. He is confused, hurting, and wants his cake and ice cream back. You are the only thing standing in the way of that so be prepared to fight a war (with yourself) to keep your dignity, and sanity in tact.

[BTDT2012]

Focus on loving yourself. Love yourself so much that you aren't willing to be anyone's dirty little secret. Remember that he is bad news. Stay strong, ypu can do it.

[Rebelnoir]

Think....you give a deep message, wait for the reply.. wait more, wait for next 7 days. That feeling that you messaged someone who couldnt care less.

 

ps: no you dont win even if he does.

 

Yep, I definitely don't want that feeling ever again!!

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel- I have not commented or posted on here for awhile but I thought that maybe i could help you even just a little.

 

Hearing that he was giving you small sad smiles is concerning and tells me he is going to try again once things calm down at home. You have a lot of feelings for him so it will be easy to listen to what he says and fall back into the trap. Seeing him at work sucks and you being there will make him think you are still available to him. Do NOT, i repeat do NOT engage with him in anyway outside of work - do not look at him in the hall, do not send him any smoke signals and if he sends them to you run away.

 

I am sure he does miss you and is hurting but he is bad news and will only drag you back down with him.

 

Chances are with you working near him this could restart again maybe knowing he will come back at some point will help make you stronger and know what to do when it happens. Do not focus on his words only his actions it is the only thing that means anything at this point. He is confused, hurting, and wants his cake and ice cream back. You are the only thing standing in the way of that so be prepared to fight a war (with yourself) to keep your dignity, and sanity in tact.

 

Thank you for posting...it has helped. I just feel so lost and helpless right now and stupidly I'm feeling sorry for him! More than anything I want me and him back, so you're right. I need to toughen up because if he does try and start something I NEED to be able to say no. It really does feel like a war with myself, my heart vs my head. I'm dreading tomorrow again.

[Rebelnoir]

Focus on loving yourself. Love yourself so much that you aren't willing to be anyone's dirty little secret. Remember that he is bad news. Stay strong, ypu can do it.

 

I hope you're right and I'm strong enough, thank you. Funnily enough I was telling my friend over dinner what the affair was lien after he went home the first time and I realised what a dirty little secret I had been. I don't want that ever again. When you're in the affair though it all gets so normalised. Or maybe seeing him for what he really is is helping me get some perspective on how I do deserve more.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you for posting...it has helped. I just feel so lost and helpless right now and stupidly I'm feeling sorry for him! More than anything I want me and him back, so you're right. I need to toughen up because if he does try and start something I NEED to be able to say no. It really does feel like a war with myself, my heart vs my head. I'm dreading tomorrow again.

 

Funny thing is it is easier in the beginning and it gets harder the further out you get. You start missing him more and start to lose some of that anger and start thinking 'what if'. What if you had done things this way or that way would you be in a different position you start to second guess your anger then start to bargain with yourself that a friendship is better than nothing.

 

He will probably come try to talk to you (about work stuff at first) and then it will progress from there. You will hear "I don't want to restart the affair but i am worried about you" - it is all a trap. I don't know how to help you remember to stay strong or not to bargain with yourself. You really do have to truly want more and something better. You really do have to dig deep because when your affair partner was or is in love with you he will fight to pull you back in and somewhere inside of yourself you have to find the will power to fight back.

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

Just wanted to say I know what you're going through.

 

I work with the guy I had an EA/slightly PA with. For me the whole situation just sucks. I'm sure I read way too much into every bit of communication (even if it's just work related!) And I'm constantly on edge because he could be there at any moment. My own damn fault for getting involved with a work colleague, I know.

 

I would say make sure you keep strong and keep the upper hand. I was really struggling and had a phone call with my AP and he seems to have been able to compartmentalize our whole relationship/situation and had moved on easily. Whereas basically I haven't. After that communication he seems to have the upper hand and I came away from it feeling foolish and embarrassed. Stay NC as much as you can within the work environment and take each day as it comes.

 

Don't make the same mistake as I did of trying to be his friend. If ultimately deep down you want more (like I did) you'll be reading too much into each interaction. Looking back I suspect him being nice to me was to ease his guilt. I saw it as him being interested.

 

Keep posting and keep moving forward. Remember each day will get easier....

[Rebelnoir]

Funny thing is it is easier in the beginning and it gets harder the further out you get. You start missing him more and start to lose some of that anger and start thinking 'what if'. What if you had done things this way or that way would you be in a different position you start to second guess your anger then start to bargain with yourself that a friendship is better than nothing.

 

He will probably come try to talk to you (about work stuff at first) and then it will progress from there. You will hear "I don't want to restart the affair but i am worried about you" - it is all a trap. I don't know how to help you remember to stay strong or not to bargain with yourself. You really do have to truly want more and something better. You really do have to dig deep because when your affair partner was or is in love with you he will fight to pull you back in and somewhere inside of yourself you have to find the will power to fight back.

 

That's spot on. The first few days I felt almost empowered be used I'd finally taken control, but the reality of it being over is just starting to hit home.

 

I'm trying to strip away all of the fantasy from the relationship and MM and see it all for what it really was. That's helping me understand that I need to be apart from him.

 

I think he does love me. Whatever his version of love is...but he was the one who was adamant that it was over, we shouldn't talk, we need to get over each other etc. And he is extremely stubborn... So hopefully he won't talk to me, as long as I keep NC with him. I hope that if he does contact me I will be strong enough to tell him to only speak to me once he had divorce papers. I know realistically he will never reach that stage, but that is the only way I can ever engage with him and retain my sense of self worth.

[Rebelnoir]

Hi

 

Just wanted to say I know what you're going through.

 

I work with the guy I had an EA/slightly PA with. For me the whole situation just sucks. I'm sure I read way too much into every bit of communication (even if it's just work related!) And I'm constantly on edge because he could be there at any moment. My own damn fault for getting involved with a work colleague, I know.

 

I would say make sure you keep strong and keep the upper hand. I was really struggling and had a phone call with my AP and he seems to have been able to compartmentalize our whole relationship/situation and had moved on easily. Whereas basically I haven't. After that communication he seems to have the upper hand and I came away from it feeling foolish and embarrassed. Stay NC as much as you can within the work environment and take each day as it comes.

 

Don't make the same mistake as I did of trying to be his friend. If ultimately deep down you want more (like I did) you'll be reading too much into each interaction. Looking back I suspect him being nice to me was to ease his guilt. I saw it as him being interested.

 

Keep posting and keep moving forward. Remember each day will get easier....

 

I'm sorry you've found yourself in a similar position...it really is more difficult than I imagined. I definitely will not become involved with anyone I work with again (and it goes without saying no more MM).

 

I'm *fortunate* in that my MM was unable to be friends with me. For the first three weeks after he ended it he continued to respond whenever I spoke to him and we ended up having lots of long, upsetting conversations. We also ended up in bed a few times. But he's said that he needs to not have me in his life as he needs to get over me. Who knows if that's the truth. If he's working on his marriage (I don't know if he is) then I'm pretty sure that's the reason he doesn't want me around. I'm glad you've realised that a friendship would be a mistake.

 

Men are generally better at compartmentalising I think. It's the one thing I'm jealous of, and I just don't understand how they can do it. I could never switch off feelings like that.

 

It's funny as I think MM and I are finally in the same place. He told me how he was feeling last week, but at that point I just wanted him back...now neither of us want to speak to the other (too painful, makes us go backwards), we dread seeing each other (brings up too many feelings) and both of us would rather never see such other again. I think it's really over.

 

I hope you're in a good place. We will get there, it's just working with them means it will be a slower path.

[darkbloom]

Three messages and he's trying to make things work with his wife? Just goes to show everyone is right when they say things like texts are just breadcrumbs. They don't mean anything. Well done on staying strong. I read your post when I was tempted to speak to him today and you're right, the only way to stop him hurting me is not to engage. So thank you!

 

He also called me at 11:50 on that same night. I did not pick up. I did not engage. I did not call him back. I did not message him back.

 

Responding just opens up the door for more hurt. There is NOTHING to say. He is dropping breadcrumbs hoping I will follow the trail back to him. He wants to keep his foot in the door.

 

We deserve better than a few scraps of bread.

[aileD]

He could love you.

 

But it enough to leave his wife.

 

Remember that. Is that the love you want to settle for?

 

Ask yourself that when he tries to get back in your life....it's ok to say yes I love you and you love me but you don't love me enough to divorce your wife so we will never work and I cannot waste time on a relationship that has no future when there are other men out there willing to put me first above anyone else"

[Rebelnoir]

He could love you.

 

But it enough to leave his wife.

 

Remember that. Is that the love you want to settle for?

 

Ask yourself that when he tries to get back in your life....it's ok to say yes I love you and you love me but you don't love me enough to divorce your wife so we will never work and I cannot waste time on a relationship that has no future when there are other men out there willing to put me first above anyone else"

 

Thank you. I need to hear these things. I was so tempted to message him today or speak to him but reading over all of this really helps. I think it's just hard accepting it really is over. Not because he's decided that, but because I know I can't go back even if things change.

[aileD]

You will eventually have a healthy relationship that will make you forget this one even existed. Look forward.

[HeCantBreakMe]

How is work going today Rebel? Sure hope you didn't have to see him. Is there a way you can work some from home? Maybe take a couple weeks vacation?

[Rebelnoir]

You will eventually have a healthy relationship that will make you forget this one even existed. Look forward.

 

I really hope so. Right now that seems impossible but I hope I get there

[Rebelnoir]

How is work going today Rebel? Sure hope you didn't have to see him. Is there a way you can work some from home? Maybe take a couple weeks vacation?

 

Thank you for checking up on me today he was working from home. Had a slight panic in the morning when I realised that I no longer know his schedule and that our lives are starting to separate in that way. I had really strong urges to message him, but got through them. I'm so thankful I deleted his number as I know I wouldn't have stuck to NC if I still had it. I'm in a weird place right now, most of the time I'm on board wth NC but every now and then I feel as if I NEED to see him and my love for him overwhelms me. But when it does I come on here and read all the posts. They really do help, so thank you everyone. I'm also lucky I have very supportive friends who are being so patient.

 

I can't take any holiday right now as I have deadlines coming up, but I've booked some in for as soon as they are done. I can work from home a bit, but he is doing that a lot so that helps.

 

Hope you're doing ok!