constant fighting with girlfriend after moving in -- controlling/manipulation

[16run17]

The thing is, she's 20. Looking back at myself at that age, it was a very confusing time in my life. College was mostly behind me, but I still had no clue what my future held. I did not know what career I would have, where I would live, all the people I would soon meet. I was also broke and stressed from financial issues. I'm not saying it's impossible to have a healthy relationship at that age, but imo a healthy relationship will support both parties continuing to grow and gain independence at this crucial time in their lives.

 

IMO twenty year olds have no business moving in together. Her volatile reactions may indicate deeper psychological problems, or it may be the symptom of someone young and confused making a bad decision and being uncomfortable with it and not knowing how to express that. If she hasn't outgrown enjoying drama and makeup sex, those could be factors too.

 

I wouldnt label her BPD just yet, but that's no reason not to run. Relationships should add to your life, not bog you down in drama and accusations. Take a long break and get some space from her, then reevaluate where she fits in your life. That means nc for a while.

 

Yeah, I understand that not knowing a lot of those things can be stressful. Im a bit older (23) and I graduated not too long ago myself so I can relate to some of those struggles.

 

 

I guess I have been feeling like the relationship doesn't add much to my life as of late when I am constantly worried about the next fight and feeling run down from the emotional cycling. She has told me that make up sex is extra special and gets upset if I tell her I'm not feeling up to it after having had a fight over something​.

[Downtown]

She has told me that make up sex is extra special and gets upset if I tell her I'm not feeling up to it after having had a fight over something​.

My BPDer exW was that way too. She could rage hatefully at me for two hours and then, in ten seconds, start splitting me white again. Instead of being in touch with her bad feelings toward me, she suddenly would be consciously aware of all her love for me. It therefore is common for BPDers to want to jump into bed with their partners immediately after a serious temper tantrum.

 

In contrast, I have a very well integrated set of feelings. Instead of doing black-white thinking (i.e., splitting), I am touch with all of my good and bad feelings simultaneously. Hence, even though the lengthy fight had ended, I was standing there having to deal with all of the sheer ugliness and hatefulness I had just witnessed. It would be several days before I had any desire to have sex with that woman. The result is that my exW often would accuse me of "holding grudges" instead of putting the ugliness behind me.

[16run17]

Please understand that you can love someone without being able to live with them. At this point its better that she move out and get help. It doesnt mean you can't keep seeing each other. Living with each other is putting way too much pressure on you. Its not giving you space from her, which you desperately need.

 

 

Yeah, I guess at this point I think that we probably shouldn't keep seeing each other after she moves out. I've been talking with friends and family about the situation I'm in and even just telling them some of the issues has made me realize how bad things have been.

[16run17]

My BPDer exW was that way too. She could rage hatefully at me for two hours and then, in ten seconds, start splitting me white again. Instead of being in touch with her bad feelings toward me, she suddenly would be consciously aware of all her love for me. It therefore is common for BPDers to want to jump into bed with their partners immediately after a serious temper tantrum.

 

In contrast, I have a very well integrated set of feelings. Instead of doing black-white thinking (i.e., splitting), I am touch with all of my good and bad feelings simultaneously. Hence, even though the lengthy fight had ended, I was standing there having to deal with all of the sheer ugliness and hatefulness I had just witnessed. It would be several days before I had any desire to have sex with that woman. The result is that my exW often would accuse me of "holding grudges" instead of putting the ugliness behind me.

 

although we can't conclude BPD or not I can definitely relate. Minutes after one fight I was still feeling hurt and sad and she was over it and feeling great. Then she flipped and got upset again because I hadn't rebounded instantly after the fight. I told her that I had forgiven but was still hurt and that I needed some time she accused me of holding a grudge and not moving on because I couldn't let go of the hurt

[hestheone66]

Run, if you want to see what the future holds please read some of my posts. It sounds like she is testing boundaries and seeing what she can get away with. Her wanting to talk on her time knowing you arent available because of work is her trying to get focus solely on her and to drop anything to give her attention. Correct me if I am wrong but this primarily started once you started the process of moving in together. Are there other changes you have noticed?

 

From just your post i can see this going two ways. One, you fear upsetting her and do what you can to appease her until you have nothing left to give. You will become a shell of yourself and just going through the motions and not making her happy or unable to make yourself happy. Second is that you will stand your ground and be in constant conflict with her finding harsher ways of "punishing" you. At some point you will give her the reaction she wants that allows her to be the victim.

 

Looking back now i see many signs that seemed weird at the time are part of a larger picture. If you want to make this work both of you will need to be in therapy. If for nothing else than to learn how to protect yourself. My guess is she will refuse which could show you her dedication to this relationship. You are not heavily invested and may want to consider all of your options.

 

I lived with someone who exhibited these traits..I lost my friends as he created a toxic energy..I made excuses for him etc..he was needy, accusatory, self centered and his moods controlled my life. I was miserable but held out hope....until one day a ridiculous accusatory fight started by him made me realise. No way, no more...I NEVER spoke to him again. He didn't deserve my love, attention no finances....

I'm telling you this because it took me 12 years to realise something that the red flags from the first few months that I had ignored, had indicated all along.

 

Btw I know it was 100% on him for being a dick and 100℅ on me for allowing it..I just don't want you to make excuses for her dreadful behaviour..it is abuse and harmful.

 

Since I left him my life has been fantastic... I have a perfect relationship now with a really genuinely loving man, while 8 years on my ex is still alone and blaming others for his misery.

 

She either gets professional help tomorrow or its over and you never speak again (serious, talking with her would be pointless - just fuel for her fractured ego)

 

Good luck. Take care

[16run17]

I ended up caving to get pleas to give her a chance to work on things and agreed to take it day by day.

 

Things were ok all weekend and she did work on trying to be less needy and insisted that I take time to myself.

 

Monday she had a bad day, which I knew so I tried to ask her if I could take her to ice cream when I finished doing laundry but she said no I'm clearly busy and don't have time for her. We ended up having an argument about how she doesn't feel like it's ok to ask to spend time with me, which was frustrating because I had asked to spend time with her and she was the one who said no. She told me she didn't feel like an equal partner among other things. I was having a hard time understanding and I was frustrated about the time issue when I had tried to make myself available to cheer her up. She ended up screaming something unintelligible at me because I didn't understand what she was trying to say.

 

Last night she ambushed me with a question about our future and I said I don't know I'm taking things day by day like you asked me to. She got upset and said I'm emotionally unstable and cycling her because she thought I was already fine again but I said it hasn't been a week and I need more time to feel better about things. She told me she needs to feel like things are getting better because of her effort. This morning she told me she wanted to move out this weekend and told me she needs more stability. I said I'm sorry I don't think I can give you that right now based upon what you told me you need and that I thought moving in would have given more of that. She said she needs a partner who is more emotionally stable and isn't going to threaten to break up with her if things aren't going well. She told me she can't keep going on like this and she needs to know what the future is going to be so I said I can't tell you that right now and if that's an issue then we should end things. I had to leave for work and asked if we could keep talking when I got back but she wouldn't even talk to me when I had to leave. Then she sent me a lengthy text after I got to work and made everything sound fine again.

 

 

.......

[Whodatdog]

Good luck. Youre gonna need it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then she sent me a lengthy text after I got to work and made everything sound fine again.

 

 

.......

 

Come on 16run17, there are isotopes that aren't this unstable.

 

The good posters here are running out of things to say to you. Unless you're feeling deliberately masochistic, time to (once and for all) pull the plug...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hestheone66]

As you clearly don't seem to be able to tell her that you think its best to break up you can plan your exit strategy for the next time she says she's moving out.

 

I think you are giving her mixed signals which cycles her insecurity. But I also commend you for being honest when you told her you can not give her the stability she craves.

 

It seems that you actually enjoy the drama on one level (maybe it keeps you focussed on the relationship and her needs which distracts from your OCD) . Several times when you've had the opportunity to wind up a discussion you have actively said you'd like to continue after work or next morning... If you're totally honest you probably would really not want to rehash the same argument over and over.

 

This does two things - each time you entertain her frankly ridiculous accusations, on a subconscious level reduce her respect for you ...she needs strong consistent boundaries and leadership ... without it the uncertainty triggers her insecurities..don't give her what she wants but what she needs it tough love and therapy.

 

Keep strong by seeing the end goal...to get away for the sake of your own sanity and possibly safety....I'm glad that her overt attempts to bait you are not forcing your hand..but next time she says , "I'm moving out this weekend"make sure you let her know you believe it's the ONLY sensible thing to do.

 

With my toxic ex he calmly announced that he was leaving in a bid to get me to reassure him....I went and got the champagne and said ,"let's toast the good times we did have..." it turned out to be short lived separation, but the writing was on wall and I was determined the next fight would be my last, and it was....and I'm grateful that i put my needs for happiness first and left and didn't look back

[Downtown]

Although we can't conclude BPD or not I can definitely relate.

Yes, you lack the professional training necessary to conclude that the unstable, abusive behaviors you've seen constitute "full blown BPD." This does not imply, however, that you are unable to spot strong occurrences of BPD behaviors. On the contrary, you would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim."

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose full-blown Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property and feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

[16run17]

As you clearly don't seem to be able to tell her that you think its best to break up you can plan your exit strategy for the next time she says she's moving out.

 

I think you are giving her mixed signals which cycles her insecurity. But I also commend you for being honest when you told her you can not give her the stability she craves.

 

It seems that you actually enjoy the drama on one level (maybe it keeps you focussed on the relationship and her needs which distracts from your OCD) . Several times when you've had the opportunity to wind up a discussion you have actively said you'd like to continue after work or next morning... If you're totally honest you probably would really not want to rehash the same argument over and over.

 

This does two things - each time you entertain her frankly ridiculous accusations, on a subconscious level reduce her respect for you ...she needs strong consistent boundaries and leadership ... without it the uncertainty triggers her insecurities..don't give her what she wants but what she needs it tough love and therapy.

 

Keep strong by seeing the end goal...to get away for the sake of your own sanity and possibly safety....I'm glad that her overt attempts to bait you are not forcing your hand..but next time she says , "I'm moving out this weekend"make sure you let her know you believe it's the ONLY sensible thing to do.

 

With my toxic ex he calmly announced that he was leaving in a bid to get me to reassure him....I went and got the champagne and said ,"let's toast the good times we did have..." it turned out to be short lived separation, but the writing was on wall and I was determined the next fight would be my last, and it was....and I'm grateful that i put my needs for happiness first and left and didn't look back

 

I don't enjoy the drama as it has been really draining and is truly embarrassing because to admit to friends and family.

 

honestly I did have no interest in rehashing the same argument, but I didn't want her to accuse me of running away from an unresolved argument as she has done in the past.

[16run17]

Yesterday was a pretty clear turning point.

 

When I got home she was already upset and told me she thought I wasn't coming back (I've never stayed out before so I don't know why she would expect that). I told her that I had thought about what she had said about moving out and said that I agreed that it would be best for both of us. She was upset but seemed to take it pretty well, until she called her parents in a fit and told them I was kicking her out.

 

 

She told me she couldn't move out this weekend and needed more time, so I asked what more time was and she said she didn't know when she would be emotionally ready to move out. I asked if Wednesday was enough time (she doesn't work or have school after Friday so she should have plenty of time to pack and move to her parents' place 15 minutes away) and told her I could help her move if she was worried about not being able to make it. I ended up agreeing to give her til next Friday but she wanted even more time and wanted me to let her keep a key indefinitely and I said I can't do that when she doesn't live her anymore. She said what if I move out and leave things behind? I told her I will make sure to get her anything forgotten but that she can't keep the key.

 

 

She kept telling me she deserves someone better than me, someone who will truly love her, someone who can take getting yelled at without getting upset, etc. She told me that I have unrealistic expectations when I said that I don't want her to scream at me and that I'm being too sensitive for getting upset about the things she said when she was angry even though those things were truly hurtful. Apparently I'm too sensitive for being hurt when she calls me an ******* who doesn't deserve love etc when she's mad and "didn't really mean it".

 

 

She woke me up at around 430 because she "just didn't understand where things went wrong". I told her I didn't want to have this talk right now because I was tired and unprepared but we could have it another time. she kept prodding me and then said she didn't understand why I was frustrated and didn't want to talk. We ended up talking about it which only made me feel worse, then she got upset because I was frustrated and not feeling well.

 

I know there's more that I've forgotten but I'm so, so tired

[djoner]

It's funny how people who you love can use guilt and manipulation to keep you in an emotional whirlpool making it so hard to swim out of.

 

You sound like me. I have a hard time standing firm and ending things in fear that I'll be ridden with guilt. But as an outsider looking in, she will be doing this same cycle should you continue a relationship with her.

 

She knows what she's doing. She's bought more and more time with you rather than respecting your wishes, even if it seems like she agrees with a so called "break up!" Telling her parents that you're kicking her out keeps you guilt ridden, and gains sympathy from other people to keep her seeming like the victim.

 

Do you see keeping her around any longer? She needs to move out ASAP. After your emotions are settled, you can then establish a friendship line with her. BUT as long as she's living with you, that boundary between friendship, relationship, and caretaker will remain blurred.

[hestheone66]

Yesterday was a pretty clear turning point.

 

When I got home she was already upset and told me she thought I wasn't coming back (I've never stayed out before so I don't know why she would expect that). I told her that I had thought about what she had said about moving out and said that I agreed that it would be best for both of us. She was upset but seemed to take it pretty well, until she called her parents in a fit and told them I was kicking her out.

 

 

She told me she couldn't move out this weekend and needed more time, so I asked what more time was and she said she didn't know when she would be emotionally ready to move out. I asked if Wednesday was enough time (she doesn't work or have school after Friday so she should have plenty of time to pack and move to her parents' place 15 minutes away) and told her I could help her move if she was worried about not being able to make it. I ended up agreeing to give her til next Friday but she wanted even more time and wanted me to let her keep a key indefinitely and I said I can't do that when she doesn't live her anymore. She said what if I move out and leave things behind? I told her I will make sure to get her anything forgotten but that she can't keep the key.

 

 

She kept telling me she deserves someone better than me, someone who will truly love her, someone who can take getting yelled at without getting upset, etc. She told me that I have unrealistic expectations when I said that I don't want her to scream at me and that I'm being too sensitive for getting upset about the things she said when she was angry even though those things were truly hurtful. Apparently I'm too sensitive for being hurt when she calls me an ******* who doesn't deserve love etc when she's mad and "didn't really mean it".

 

 

She woke me up at around 430 because she "just didn't understand where things went wrong". I told her I didn't want to have this talk right now because I was tired and unprepared but we could have it another time. she kept prodding me and then said she didn't understand why I was frustrated and didn't want to talk. We ended up talking about it which only made me feel worse, then she got upset because I was frustrated and not feeling well.

 

I know there's more that I've forgotten but I'm so, so tired

 

I think you are handling this well...stay strong and focused...be prep for it to get worse than better and keep your eye on thePrize....keep letting her vent but not at 4.30am, and respond without immediately reacting. Keep posting

[16run17]

It's funny how people who you love can use guilt and manipulation to keep you in an emotional whirlpool making it so hard to swim out of.

 

You sound like me. I have a hard time standing firm and ending things in fear that I'll be ridden with guilt. But as an outsider looking in, she will be doing this same cycle should you continue a relationship with her.

 

She knows what she's doing. She's bought more and more time with you rather than respecting your wishes, even if it seems like she agrees with a so called "break up!" Telling her parents that you're kicking her out keeps you guilt ridden, and gains sympathy from other people to keep her seeming like the victim.

 

Do you see keeping her around any longer? She needs to move out ASAP. After your emotions are settled, you can then establish a friendship line with her. BUT as long as she's living with you, that boundary between friendship, relationship, and caretaker will remain blurred.

 

I have definitely felt guilty before but as of late it has just been frustrating me and making me angry now that I'm aware of the behavior. I do feel a little guilty because like someone mentioned it's almost like I'm dealing with a child because she doesn't handle her emotions well and doesn't understand the consequences of her actions and instead blames me. She genuinely doesn't seem to understand what the problem in our relationship have been, which is really frustrating.

 

She got upset because she asked if we could start going on friend dates soon after she moves out and I told her that we might be able to in time but I need some time and space because I don't think I can immediately make that transition. She got upset and accused me of trying to cut her out of my life but I told her I just need time and space to heal and build up to that.

 

She also keeps asking me if there's any chance we can get back together in the future and I keep telling her that I don't think that's possible because I'm hurt and in the middle of breaking up with her.

 

She just left me a VM telling me to have fun and be safe tonight (I'm going to a concert with my buddy) and to call her to let her know what time I'm coming home.

[16run17]

I think you are handling this well...stay strong and focused...be prep for it to get worse than better and keep your eye on thePrize....keep letting her vent but not at 4.30am, and respond without immediately reacting. Keep posting

 

I think it's going alright. I know I can't cave and go back at this point because I'm already feeling so relieved and free even though I am sad and heartbroken.

 

I have been working on telling her I need a moment to think so I can organize my thoughts and feelings before reacting and she's started to accept that but I can be frustrating for her too.

 

 

She was begging me to take care of myself through this process and I said "babe please take care of yourself too" because I just learned that she has an eating disorder and doesn't eat when she's upset. She got angry, snapped at me, and said "why do you care?" And something to the effect that if I really cared about her well being I would want to break up.

[16run17]

 

She just left me a VM telling me to have fun and be safe tonight (I'm going to a concert with my buddy) and to call her to let her know what time I'm coming home.

 

I was annoyed that she wanted to know when I was getting home and I didn't feel like talking so I sent her a text saying I would probably be getting back pretty late since the concert was in the evening and downtown. She said that was fine because she didn't feel like driving back to the apartment anyways and would just stay at her mom's.

 

This morning she called me after I was at work and left a VM where she sounded pretty excited and told me that she is headed over to pack and that she's looking forward to seeing me tonight so we can talk. I assume that she wants to continue the talk about what went wrong but I'm not sure what else I can say except that I was annoyed she told her parents about my finances and her immaturity over things like getting upset and not talking to me because I couldn't/wouldn't give her my HBO password. I have already told her that the frequency of our fighting has a been too much, that it has concerned me to fight over such little things, that it wasn't ok for her to scream at me and say such terrible things and then just tell me to shrug it off, and that the constant emotional push and pull is too much for me

[16run17]

We spent a lot of time talking last night and most of today. She wanted to continue the talk about the things she had done wrong and I told her it seemed like a lot of times she didn't seem to understand the consequences of her behavior based upon her continued belief that everything was fine despite all of the disagreement. I also told her I was concerned that she shared my financial situation with her parents without consulting me first (I'm proud of having paid off some of my loans but it's still personal). I also restated the things that I had previously. She was pretty receptive to the things I had to tell her and admitted that a lot of her behavior was wrong and apologized for it. She is starting therapy this Wednesday and I am hopeful that she will open up to them and be willing to work on the issues she has.

 

She told me that she has had a lot of anxiety issues that she managed to push back when were were dating as we only saw each other 1-2x a week. We never had these kinds of fights during that period, and I think part of that was because we both had separate lives. I asked her about what she told me about how overpowering her emotions can be and the issues that it seems to create when combined with black and white thinking and asked if she thought there was more than just anxiety. Hopefully the therapist is skilled and knowledgable in being able to identify these traits and help her with them.

 

Ultimately she thought she could handle moving in without a ring because she believed our relationship was headed there (I truly did too, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to moving in together). Instead of being reassured by having moved in together her fears and insecurities only grew and she started to believe that we wouldn't get there. She said that she never meant to be hurtful or controlling in being so demanding of my time and was just trying to pull me closer even though it only ended up pushing me away. She also told me that one of the things she needed the most throughout this whole period was my repeated reassurance that I loved her and still wanted to marry her, which is ironic because I felt like it wasn't there because of her threats to leave and her demands of a "loving partner who won't give up" etc when it seemed like I wasn't that for her. The more we fought the harder it was for me to give this reassurance as I became emotionally drained and I feared each fight would be the one where she walked out on me.

 

She wanted to talk to me about dating other people and I said that she is free to do as she likes as we are no longer together and I told her that I only want her to be happy so if that's what she thinks is best she should do it. She told me it would be a long while before she felt ready but I guess she needed my approval anyways (I'm confused at this point). I think it's because she is hopeful that we can get together in the future, referring to a "waiting period." I told her that even if we did get back together in the future she can't treat this time after our breakup as a waiting period or a break and that she should start to let go. Later during another conversation she slipped and said "I don't think I'm gonna go on both dates" as apparently she had already been asked out by 2 separate guys she knew in the 2 days since our breakup. This was hurtful to me because she framed it as dating in the future when she really meant within the next few weeks and it felt like she was running back out there to find a rebound because she "needs to remind [her]self that I'm not her entire life." I know that if I told her 2 of my female friends wanted to take me on a date and I wasn't sure if I was gonna go or not yet that she would have been devastated. She is still leaning towards going with one guy to his fraternity formal for next weekend.

 

I'm thinking about taking a year or so to work on myself and try to grow based on the advice of my mom, who is a counselor. I know I need to work on my communication skills and also examine what could cause me to enable this kind of behavior. Fortunately my therapist has been helping me cope with this emotional period.

 

After all the time she spent arguing that she needed more time to move out she told me today that she is hoping to move out by Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

 

On one hand I don't think that it's completely impossible to rebuild our relationship in the future, but it would need to be a lot slower and with much more space. On the other I don't know if I can open myself up to the risk of being hurt by her again because I fear that even if we did date slow with strong boundaries we would eventually achieve that kind of mess and hurt.

 

 

 

 

We talked for about 10 hours total so I'm sure I'm forgetting details but I think that's the gist of it. I'd like to thank all of the contributors in this thread for being incredibly helpful through this process and helping empower me to break this cycle.

[Mr. Lucky]

We talked for about 10 hours total so I'm sure I'm forgetting details but I think that's the gist of it. I'd like to thank all of the contributors in this thread for being incredibly helpful through this process and helping empower me to break this cycle.

 

I haven't had a total of 10 hours of discussion about "the relationship" in 30 years of marriage. You seem determined to overthink every aspect of this.

 

Sometimes it's as simple as understanding that those things in life causing us pain aren't good for us...

 

Mr. Lucky

[16run17]

I haven't had a total of 10 hours of discussion about "the relationship" in 30 years of marriage. You seem determined to overthink every aspect of this.

 

Sometimes it's as simple as understanding that those things in life causing us pain aren't good for us...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess I don't have a lot of perspective but thought it was ok. Honestly I didn't get a whole lot out of it but I was really trying to help her understand all of the issues as best I could.

 

It's getting increasingly clearer that I made the right choice. This morning left me a VM saying just wanted to give me a heads up that last night she had a few drinks, reached out to a friend of mine, and had a weird conversation with him but told me not to worry because she wasn't hitting on him. I'm not sure if I should reach out to him and ask what happened but I do know that it's pretty unacceptable behavior and further proof that she is crazy. While packing she keeps asking if she should leave things for me to borrow until I can get my own replacements and I keep telling her to just take her things and let me worry about replacing the things I need when I need to.

[aurelius99]

"Better to live on the corner of the roof [in the rain] than with a quarrelsome wife in a large house."

~Proverbs 21:9

 

Sounds like you have a drama queen. You will never ever have peace with this woman. Why? Because she does not even WANT peace. To her, peace is boring.

[aurelius99]

I guess I don't have a lot of perspective but thought it was ok. Honestly I didn't get a whole lot out of it but I was really trying to help her understand all of the issues as best I could.

 

It's getting increasingly clearer that I made the right choice. This morning left me a VM saying just wanted to give me a heads up that last night she had a few drinks, reached out to a friend of mine, and had a weird conversation with him but told me not to worry because she wasn't hitting on him. I'm not sure if I should reach out to him and ask what happened but I do know that it's pretty unacceptable behavior and further proof that she is crazy. While packing she keeps asking if she should leave things for me to borrow until I can get my own replacements and I keep telling her to just take her things and let me worry about replacing the things I need when I need to.

 

You're doing well. Keep moving forward. This woman is endless drama. Trust me when I say that NOTHING you do will EVER be enough for her.

[16run17]

"Better to live on the corner of the roof [in the rain] than with a quarrelsome wife in a large house."

~Proverbs 21:9

 

Sounds like you have a drama queen. You will never ever have peace with this woman. Why? Because she does not even WANT peace. To her, peace is boring.

 

Yeah, she has made that pretty clear. I have given a lot to make peace with her and make her feel loved and appreciated and she has continued to create hell over stupid things and continued to tell me that I don't really love or appreciate her.

 

You're doing well. Keep moving forward. This woman is endless drama. Trust me when I say that NOTHING you do will EVER be enough for her.

 

I am looking forward and it's nearly impossible to see her in my future now. The last few days have been some of the most peaceful and exciting days that I can remember, which sounds nuts! I wish I could say that I miss her more but mostly I have been relieved. I have been able to go to the gym guilt free and I don't have to check my phone and worry about having taken too long to respond to her text messages.

 

Today she called me and asked if she could come over and see me this evening. It's hard for her to lose me, her best friend, and she's feeling weak and needs to see me. I told her that it couldn't happen and that I was going to spend the evening having dinner with my aunt, uncle, and cousin who treat me as their own (I was living with them prior to moving in with her). They have been very supportive of me even though I have limited the details shared with them.

 

I also talked to my childhood best friend today, we keep in touch but only infrequently. He had met her before and couldn't believe the things that I told him about her because she is truly sweet and caring around most everyone. He had been in a similar relationship and warned me to be vigilant because she'll fight for me now more than ever before. I can already see her behavior seeming to get better and she is being nicer. At one point we had a huge fight about the placement of a lamp because I wanted to put it in a corner about 6 feet from the door but she portrayed herself as a hero for saving a $7 lamp from potentially breaking from a door slamming shut by preventing me from buying it. I went out and bought the lamp yesterday and she told me how great it looks and that I was right.

[aurelius99]

16, I remember immediately after split with my ex wife...while there was definitely heartache involved, I remember right away feeling like a huge, invisible, heavy force was removed from my life.

 

You, like me, might need to fix your broken female picker. There's a reason you chose her. Try to figure out why.

[hestheone66]

It's always wrenching when you know someone relies on you for support and you probably will always care about her wellbeing..

 

Stay strong and stay away...she may be forced through this to get the professional help she truly needs.

 

Make a pledge to not pick up calls from her straight away at least until you feel you can go NC.

 

Keep posting here as we do understand and some have been where you are...seems like you are really handling it well through undoubtedly you'll be grieving too..