constant fighting with girlfriend after moving in -- controlling/manipulation

[16run17]

16, I remember immediately after split with my ex wife...while there was definitely heartache involved, I remember right away feeling like a huge, invisible, heavy force was removed from my life.

 

You, like me, might need to fix your broken female picker. There's a reason you chose her. Try to figure out why.

Yeah, honestly the worst was the initial breakup. It still comes in waves and I do feel heartbroken and sad occasionally. At the same time I also feel so hopeful and at peace most of the time, and I have to agree that it feels like a ton of weight has been lifted. I didn't realize how much stress she was causing me even when we weren't fighting.

 

It's always wrenching when you know someone relies on you for support and you probably will always care about her wellbeing..

 

Stay strong and stay away...she may be forced through this to get the professional help she truly needs.

 

Make a pledge to not pick up calls from her straight away at least until you feel you can go NC.

 

Keep posting here as we do understand and some have been where you are...seems like you are really handling it well through undoubtedly you'll be grieving too..

 

It is tough because I do still love her and have been watching her implode. It's sad to see her so heartbroken but hopeful and acting like nothing is wrong and that we could make up at any time.

 

I just talked to her on the phone. She asked if we could talk about being friends and the boundaries tonight when she drops off her key. I suggested next week at the earliest but she is busy next week. I told her we would have to do that in 2 weeks when I get back from the work trip that I leave on late next week because I have time to think about what it would look because I have been busy and haven't put much thought to it yet and am not ready to talk about it yet. she got upset and was like "well you should probably just get back to work bye."

 

She also told me she saw the therapist yesterday and the therapist had suggested medication. She said she "isn't that bad" and doesn't "need medication" and isn't going back to the therapist. She said that she might try to find another and I hope she does and doesn't just give up. At the same time another therapist may not be able to help either if she isn't able to acknowledge or attempt their suggestions.

[hestheone66]

Therefore no need to meet up for key exchange.

[Downtown]

^^^^^ This. As HesTheOne suggests, "Change the locks." Most door keys can be copied for a few dollars. When you're out of town on vacation, and when you're home trying to fall asleep at night, the last thing you want to worry about is an emotionally unstable woman having a key to your front door.

[16run17]

wew another quality post, I haven't been sleeping as of late and I only got about 4 hours last night.

 

I will consider getting the lock rekeyed. My lock is tied into my security system so I get a push notification on my phone anytime someone comes in. I also have a security camera I can put by the front door.

 

 

She came over to drop off the key and then insisted on talking and making me feel worse. She told me to take as much time as I need to think about being friends, then turned around and asked if I thought we could be several times. I started to get frustrated. She told me she deserves someone more patient than me and someone who isn't going to get annoyed, etc. I'm not sure what she was referring to but she said "if you really loved me your words would line up with your actions", to which she could not give me a concrete example. She said I was dragging her through the mud and trying to make things hard and I said no, I've been trying to make this as easy as possible but I could have made it harder by kicking her out and throwing her things on the lawn.

 

At one point she said "you probably think it's my fault that we had to break up" and I guess I made a face in response and she was like "YOU DO". I told her that I know there are things I could have done better too but that I didn't want to have this conversation again.

[16run17]

After a week and a half she reached out to me yesterday and left me a fairly long "thinking of you" voicemail saying that she hoped I'm doing well and wanted to catch up. Her birthday was this week and I never reached out and she's probably been waiting to hear from me. Even though I don't think she has any malintent it was fairly painful for me because it brought back some of the existing emotions and also made my heart ache because I'm clearly still causing her pain.

 

I still haven't responded to her voicemail as my friends are telling me not to because it seems like she's just fishing. I am thinking of sending something along the lines of "hey, sorry I missed your call, I hope you're doing well" because I don't think that I can really handle talking on the phone with her as a friend to "catch up" right now

Edited May 21, 2017 by 16run17

[anduina]

She also told me she saw the therapist yesterday and the therapist had suggested medication. She said she "isn't that bad" and doesn't "need medication" and isn't going back to the therapist. She said that she might try to find another and I hope she does and doesn't just give up. At the same time another therapist may not be able to help either if she isn't able to acknowledge or attempt their suggestions.

 

She told me she deserves someone more patient than me and someone who isn't going to get annoyed, etc. I'm not sure what she was referring to but she said "if you really loved me your words would line up with your actions", to which she could not give me a concrete example. She said I was dragging her through the mud and trying to make things hard and I said no, I've been trying to make this as easy as possible but I could have made it harder by kicking her out and throwing her things on the lawn.

 

At one point she said "you probably think it's my fault that we had to break up" and I guess I made a face in response and she was like "YOU DO". I told her that I know there are things I could have done better too but that I didn't want to have this conversation again.

Notice how she has no real interest in changing by helping herself through meds and therapy? Notice how if you're not doing what she wants, everything's your fault, disregarding her inability to moderate her emotions?

 

I will consider getting the lock rekeyed. My lock is tied into my security system so I get a push notification on my phone anytime someone comes in. I also have a security camera I can put by the front door.

Please do this and today, if possible. Even though she's returned the key, keys are easy to duplicate.

[16run17]

Notice how she has no real interest in changing by helping herself through meds and therapy? Notice how if you're not doing what she wants, everything's your fault, disregarding her inability to moderate her emotions?

 

yeah, and for a long time I really believed her that everything was my fault when she was upset regardless of whether I actually was. I have a lot more perspective now and I guess that's why I start to get more frustrated with her when she tries to say it's my fault when I don't believe it's true.

 

Please do this and today, if possible. Even though she's returned the key, keys are easy to duplicate.

 

I have setup the camera so that it records anyone coming/leaving and any other unexpected motions while I'm away. I also get a push notification when anyone, including myself unlocks or locks the door in case she gets my user code (changed since she moved out) or copied the key. There is a locksmith coming first thing on Thursday to rekey just for peace of mind.

 

 

 

The last week has been tough and I do feel like I'm falling apart at times. A lot of the pain is still there and is compounded by feelings of loneliness. Even if I'm exhausted I can't seem to fall asleep until 2, then I snap awake around 6 and have a hard time going back to sleep, so I have been going in to work earlier for lack of better things. I feel like in reaching out to some of my friends I have pushed some of them away which has only made things tougher. At times I feel optimistic that I can heal and have a healthy relationship in the distant future and other times I can't help but feel like I would be better off alone rather than opening myself up to hurt.

 

 

Her call on Saturday keeps running through my mind. I might be wrong but I think that telling her I'm not ready to talk yet will end up just as bad or worse as not reaching back out to her at all. Like when she said we didn't have to talk about being friends or not when she dropped off the key, then turned around and insisted on talking, I'm scared that even contacting her to tell her I'm not ready to talk yet will only prompt her to beg me to tell why and so on. But I'm also scared that she's going to turn around and say more terrible things to me for not calling her back on Saturday. Things like I never loved her or call me an ******* or any other thing about how she deserves someone who does X thing better than I can.

[hestheone66]

It is very difficult to replace the empty feeling we all have when a relationship ends...it just takes time for the wounds to heal..just like physical wounds...

 

You were in an abusive relationship and you have been traumatised..

 

Reach out to the friends you shunned...apologise for pushing them away...it may not work but surely worth trying..you seem like a genuine person and the good ones in your life will be glad you reached out..they may not rush back in an instant but I guess you've owned up to the distance you may have created and the door is open ..

 

Please do not be tempted to reach out to your ex though..you need to see her as a drug and the relapse to your healing is not worth it..

 

I have a trick that may work...when tempted due to loneliness say to yourself "not now but if I still feel this way tomorrow I'll get in touch".... Every new day it represents a new tomorrow...if you can get to one month then you can extend the period.

 

Your brain chemistry will adjust over that initial month and you will get to a point that you haven't thought about her for hours, then days then weeks.

 

I promise this is true....you have to work with it and not purposefully look at things that trigger memories..that is why NC. Removing photos etc is vital for the first few months of healing...

[16run17]

Today the locksmith came and rekeyed my lock. I didn't think that I had been worried before hand but I feel some unexpected relief now. If she does manage to find her way into my apartment at some point hopefully I can prove that she's trespassing and have some recourse.

 

Aside from that phone call on Saturday and some FB photos of her weekend date with the frat guy I haven't heard anything from her, which is a little suspicious in itself. Like I've written about before there were time when she would call me up to 30 times in a row before I would pick up. I've received maybe half a dozen total calls from blocked or unrecognized numbers but I don't pick up and if they don't leave a VM I have no way of telling if it's her, but I don't really think it is.

 

 

It is very difficult to replace the empty feeling we all have when a relationship ends...it just takes time for the wounds to heal..just like physical wounds...

 

You were in an abusive relationship and you have been traumatised..

 

Reach out to the friends you shunned...apologise for pushing them away...it may not work but surely worth trying..you seem like a genuine person and the good ones in your life will be glad you reached out..they may not rush back in an instant but I guess you've owned up to the distance you may have created and the door is open ..

 

Please do not be tempted to reach out to your ex though..you need to see her as a drug and the relapse to your healing is not worth it..

 

I have a trick that may work...when tempted due to loneliness say to yourself "not now but if I still feel this way tomorrow I'll get in touch".... Every new day it represents a new tomorrow...if you can get to one month then you can extend the period.

 

Your brain chemistry will adjust over that initial month and you will get to a point that you haven't thought about her for hours, then days then weeks.

 

I promise this is true....you have to work with it and not purposefully look at things that trigger memories..that is why NC. Removing photos etc is vital for the first few months of healing...

 

I guess one of the hard things has been coming to terms with the fact that it was abusive because I was in denial for so long. I have taken some online quizzes (I know lol) that have helped me realize a lot of actions were actually harmful even if she told me it was out of love. Coming to terms with it has been kind of heartbreaking. Any time I think about how I would feel if I knew a friend was in my situation kind of has me in disbelief that I would allow myself to be there. But the issues built up with time and I truly did love her so I justified them to myself and actually covered up some of her behavior to my friends and family, telling them I had just had a bad week at work when they called and asked why I was upset when I should have been telling them that she was in the middle of telling me she was yelling about leaving me because I didn't deserve her when they had called.

 

 

I have been trying to reach out to my friends and family or do other things to distract myself when I'm feeling lonely, which is a lot right now. I really want to get a dog and my therapist has asked me if I have considered it but I don't think I can manage to have a dog right now because I don't have a yard and live far enough away from work that coming home at lunch isn't really an option.

 

I have considered reaching out a few times in weakness but like you said it's hard to feel like it's worth it and I know that it will only make things worse. I like your suggestion but I kind of have the reverse of your suggestion going on ... When she called me on Saturday I was going to give myself a few hours before calling her back to build myself up to it. That evening I still wasn't feeling up to it, so I told myself maybe I would on Sunday if I felt better. Sunday I still didn't feel ready and I thought maybe I could Monday night... I still haven't felt ready to talk to her. Even just talking to her to tell her I'm not ready to talk about being friends would only provoke things because she would immediately need to know why and would need my reassurance that we could be in the future.

 

 

I have been trying to be honest with myself and let myself feel and accept my emotions. I haven't had a drink since Saturday and things have simultaneously been easier and more difficult. It's hard just accepting myself when I feel so broken and I can't help but feel like I won't be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

[hestheone66]

I've been exactly in your place.

 

when you love someone dysfunctional, you cover up their flaws.. however everyone knows..

 

i'm glad you're seeing a therapist..

 

start with some routine to fill in the hours ... the weekends can be brutal

 

reading LS is very therapeutic and I encourage you to keep posting

[healing light]

I am SO glad that you broke up with her and that she moved out (really lucky you were able to get her to do so, too!). You dodged a major bullet there. She sounds just like my BPD roommate who also made my life a living hell 24/7--constant anxiety and eggshells (and this woman was in her 40s, but acted like a petulant child and lived like an 18 yr old). Yes, this situation was extremely abusive.

 

She was right that you don't deserve to be with her--you deserve MUCH, MUCH better. I know it's hard because you invested so much of your life and energy into her, but she is not going to change. I would not call her back, either. You need as much space and distance between you and this woman as possible while you recover, and possibly indefinitely. You're in no position to be giving her any kind of reassurance because she is toxic.

 

Consider taking a good calcium/magnesium supplement before bed or soaking in an epsom salt bath (if you're okay with sulfates) to soothe your nerves on the nights you can't sleep well. This will get easier over time but right now I wouldn't be surprised if you had some lingering trauma from everything she put you through. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and exploring this through therapy.

 

Good luck and stay strong. I suggest writing to us when you have any strong impulses to contact her.

[16run17]

I've been exactly in your place.

 

when you love someone dysfunctional, you cover up their flaws.. however everyone knows..

 

i'm glad you're seeing a therapist..

 

start with some routine to fill in the hours ... the weekends can be brutal

 

reading LS is very therapeutic and I encourage you to keep posting

 

Covering was almost a moment of clarity because I knew that it wasn't ok but I rationalized it to myself because I loved her and wanted to protect her as well. I think you're right in saying that everyone knows because my mom said that she has known things weren't ok for a while and some of my other relatives had become more attentive in trying to schedule times to see me for dinners and things like that.

 

Therapy is expensive but I don't know if I could make it without it and I have been working on investing in myself.

 

I am filling my free time by getting back into my gym routine and trying to get back into doing meal prep, which is something that I stopped doing when I was with her because I felt like I didn't have the time. I've also gone to church a few times, spent time working on my truck, gone into the mountains, and done some spring cleaning. Fortunately I have been on the other extreme when it comes to weekends, I was out of town for work, friends, or family the past 3 weekends and I'm supposed to be for the next 2 or 3 as well.

 

This weekend will be a tough one, I am actually going back for my grandfather's funeral, he passed away at the start of the year and was cremated by my family decided that they weren't ready to bury him at the time of the memorial service.

 

I am SO glad that you broke up with her and that she moved out (really lucky you were able to get her to do so, too!). You dodged a major bullet there. She sounds just like my BPD roommate who also made my life a living hell 24/7--constant anxiety and eggshells (and this woman was in her 40s, but acted like a petulant child and lived like an 18 yr old). Yes, this situation was extremely abusive.

 

She was right that you don't deserve to be with her--you deserve MUCH, MUCH better. I know it's hard because you invested so much of your life and energy into her, but she is not going to change. I would not call her back, either. You need as much space and distance between you and this woman as possible while you recover, and possibly indefinitely. You're in no position to be giving her any kind of reassurance because she is toxic.

 

Consider taking a good calcium/magnesium supplement before bed or soaking in an epsom salt bath (if you're okay with sulfates) to soothe your nerves on the nights you can't sleep well. This will get easier over time but right now I wouldn't be surprised if you had some lingering trauma from everything she put you through. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and exploring this through therapy.

 

Good luck and stay strong. I suggest writing to us when you have any strong impulses to contact her.

 

Initially I was scared that she wouldn't move out because of her need for "more time" but I guess maybe threatening to move out sooner and then following through could have been a play to manipulate me like her previous threats to had been.

 

I guess this has been an experience that has taught me a lot about myself. My self view is simultaneously better and worse but I do think you're right that I deserve someone a lot better. I am so envious of my friends and family members who have respectful, supportive, and loving partners and I still want so badly to love and be loved but I think it will take a long time before I can consider being in a relationship.

 

Fortunately I have very little desire to contact her. She left me another VM on Saturday about coming to get some things that she left this week and said that she also wanted to talk. I broke down and fell apart that afternoon trying to work up the courage to call her back because I knew that she would demand to know why if I told her I didn't want to talk aside from making the pickup arrangements based on the previous time when I told her I didn't want to talk about being friends and she kept pressing. I tried again on Sunday but fell apart again, so I sent her a text saying that I'm out of town pretty much all week but there is a night that works for me. Today she responded and said she's busy but her parents will come, which will hopefully be easier on both of us albeit more awkward. I'll have all of her stuff ready so they can pick it up quick and easy and I think I will invite someone over so I feel safe in case they've sided with her and want to talk to me about things. I really don't know what to expect, I know her mom said something at one point sympathizing with me because she knows how hard it was to fight with my ex, but I also know she has done a lot to protect her daughter in the past.

 

I have been taking Valerian at the recommendation of my therapist but I will try calcium and magnesium too. I looked it up and it sounds promising.

 

Writing here has been a kind of journal for me because it feels good to put a lot of these feelings and thoughts in writing so I am glad to continue. I also appreciate the encouragement from people who have experienced similar situations because it gives more hope than the well meaning friends who say to "just find another girl and get over it"

 

 

 

I think I am starting to realize how I could normalize and accept some of her behaviors as well. This weekend I was with my family and we were talking about things to do that afternoon and at some point it devolved into my mom and sister yelling at each other, which is something that they did when we were growing up but I usually avoided by spending time away or by wearing headphones in my room. I haven't thought about that or acknowledged it for a long time but hearing them fight was too much. I hate to use this term but I was triggered and immediately broke down and cried and had to go outside

[16run17]

Last night I did a bunch more cleaning to figure out what other things to return and what to get rid of for her parents to come today.

 

I asked my uncle who I am pretty close with to come over and hang out during that time because I didn't know what to expect from her parents and I was honestly afraid.

 

Her mom was the only one who came and said "I know this is awkward" but didn't try to make much small talk or say much else aside from getting down to business. I helped her load all of the things into her car and gave her a rope and bungee to hold it all. She asked if I was doing ok and I answered honestly, saying "no" and she told me to give it time and said that "we were both good" people.

 

Afterwards I went to dinner with my uncle, who knows some of what I went through and was just trying to be helpful and encouraging in telling me that it was going to be ok. He was pushing me to ask out the hostess (who was pretty cute) but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't feel like I'm in a position where talking to anyone new would be of much benefit to me, I don't want to push off my emotional baggage to deal with later nor do I want to push it on someone else.

 

A while later X called and left me an excited voicemail thanking me for helping her mom and telling me how excited she is to have her favorite leggings back and to be able to move into her new place. She told me that she hoped to talk about being friends but also said that it's ok if I don't want to. I'm not sure how to respond at this point, I guess it's on par for her to be fine in the circumstances like all the times we would fight for hours and she would turn around and be ok in 15 minutes. I guess it's hard when I'm in shreds and I feel like I need a lot more time to heal.

[hestheone66]

Yes I know what it's like.

 

i used to be much more resilient​.

Now discord bw people gets me on edge and heart races and my tummy in knots.

 

In the good side it means that I pick people with more discernment...not just are they attractive', or fun' but are they kind and gentle.

 

I only let kind people who aren't broken into my life..

 

My bf I've been with for 5 years came about via this conscious discernment of mine.

 

You control your destiny..but don't be impatient. Find at least 3 things to be grateful for each day..you will find so much more when u change your focus.

 

Cheers and keep posting. You write well and expressively

[16run17]

Yes I know what it's like.

 

i used to be much more resilient​.

Now discord bw people gets me on edge and heart races and my tummy in knots.

 

In the good side it means that I pick people with more discernment...not just are they attractive', or fun' but are they kind and gentle.

 

I only let kind people who aren't broken into my life..

 

My bf I've been with for 5 years came about via this conscious discernment of mine.

 

You control your destiny..but don't be impatient. Find at least 3 things to be grateful for each day..you will find so much more when u change your focus.

 

Cheers and keep posting. You write well and expressively

 

Yeah, it makes sense to be more vigilant in choosing those that surround you, especially as a way to protect yourself from future hurt. I think that discernment is something I need to work on too.

 

I didn't get to buy my grandfather this weekend. We were just going to do the service with family but my cousin had strep throat and couldn't pull it together for an hour or two so my mom, aunt, and grandmother canceled it while I was at the park with some other family members. I've had strep about a dozen times so I know how uncomfortable and miserable it can be but at the same time I know that I would have suffered through it in the circumstance...Now I have to wait until September or October when everyone can get together again. They say there's no rush since he's cremated, anyways. I was building myself up to getting closure but didn't and can't help but feel like 2017 keeps finding a way to break my heart. I was so frustrated about not having a say in the decision, especially after having waited for this day since basically the start of the year. The VM my ex left saying saying that she knew it was this week and that I was in her thoughts and prayers kept echoing through my head. I broke down and just laid in bed and cried until I fell asleep.

 

This morning she sent me a long text, which broke into 2 sms messages, saying "I miss talking to you and I'm a little worried about you" and asked if I want to meet for coffee this week. I haven't replied yet, I'm not quite sure how to say "hey, I'm not feeling up to meeting with you" although that's probably all that needs to be said. I'm scared she'll insist on asking why and then continue to provoke me when my answer is insufficient. I don't understand why she is insistent on letting me know she's seeing other guys to get over me but also is so persistent in contacting me. Even now it seems like she doesn't understand how I feel about the things she did or the current situation and seems to act like nothing bad ever happened, leaving VMs in a tone like we're still together.

 

My pile of things to donate to charity continues to grow. She left all kinds of things in my apartment and it seems like there's something else every time I turn around. She "kindly" left a large oak tv table she used as a nightstand and kitchen table she used as a desk behind. I asked her mom to take them when she came to pick up my ex's things but she said that my ex "thought needed them" and she had purchased new ones. This was especially frustrating because we had an huge fight when moving in because I had wanted to purchase my own nightstand for my side of the bed and my own desk so I could set up my computer and work beside her instead of taking over her desk. She accused me of wanting my own furniture because I was "building up to break up with her" and in the end I surrendered and gave up on the idea of having my own because I just thought it was a minor glitch. I should have known it was foreshadowing all of the coming fights. Now those pieces serve as a reminder and I need to get rid of them.

 

My therapist asked me if I was willing to try antidepressants because I seemed depressed and have some of the symptoms. I've been long scared of the side effects but I think I am willing to try. For the last 6 weeks every night I lie in bed, unable to fall asleep until 2 in the morning, only to be wide awake again at 5-6. I can't focus at work, my thoughts are empty and sluggish. I feel like I'm living in a trance. Despite this I still go to the gym, and that seems to be the only thing I enjoy, perhaps because I can excel without any mental dexterity.

[Whodatdog]

This has been a painful thread to read. I think you know that the best thing for you, and for her, is to cut contact until enough time has passed that you would be able to talk or text with her without your emotions clouding it. You are obviously still not in a good place over this whole relationship, and keeping contact with her isnt going to help you.

 

Its pretty obvious she's trying to keep contact with you in the hopes you will let her back into your life. She doesnt want to be friends, she wants you back.

 

Dont text her back. Dont engage. Dont give her the chance to drag you down again.

[hestheone66]

Weaning yourself off a person, even when (or especially when) they are toxic is a slow enough process.

 

You will be amazed at how better you will feel (I PROMISE) when you actually take the plunge to consciously go NC.

 

Your need to heal from this and move on with life will be stalled for every day you don't. I understand that at the moment, hearing from her validates to you that your relationship, despite its flaws did have meaning for her.

 

As humans we thrive on knowing we made a difference to someone and cannot be easily discarded.

 

The fact that she knows you don't really want contact but she still insists on invading your headspace demonstrates once again, that despite what she says, she only can manipulate for her own ends.. to know you're there for her.. well the truth is you're not and you won't be for the foreseeable future.

 

I know that people who are prone to depression seem pretty fond of looking back and ruminating on what might have been.. if you can avoid it by discipline, look to the future, and like I said find 3 things each day that you can be grateful for.. it will force your mindfulness into a positive sphere.. growth is always the outcome of coming through great pain..

you can make it and I can tell by your insightfulness that you will have plenty to offer to someone in the future who values you.

It starts with valuing yourself and being mindful of whether the small choices you make improve or worsen your situation.

 

you are doing well all things considered. keep being strong and keep posting.

[spanz1]

time to move back out?

[16run17]

time to move back out?

 

:/

 

this has been a painful thread to read. I think you know that the best thing for you, and for her, is to cut contact until enough time has passed that you would be able to talk or text with her without your emotions clouding it. You are obviously still not in a good place over this whole relationship, and keeping contact with her isnt going to help you.

 

Its pretty obvious she's trying to keep contact with you in the hopes you will let her back into your life. She doesnt want to be friends, she wants you back.

 

Dont text her back. Dont engage. Dont give her the chance to drag you down again.

 

I haven't contacted her. I kept mulling over the incident when she insisted on knowing why I wasn't ready to talk about being friends when I said I wasn't ready to talk and reading your last sentence. I felt like even telling her I didn't want to meet would have opened up a chance for her to pull me down again like that.

 

I do feel like I'm kind of being a prick, especially because when we were together we talked about the possibility of being friends in the event of a breakup but that was also before all of the hurt. I guess it's rational though because I'm protecting myself and I'm not trying to hurt her, I just can't handle it, especially when the thought of it makes me anxious.

 

weaning yourself off a person, even when (or especially when) they are toxic is a slow enough process.

 

You will be amazed at how better you will feel (i promise) when you actually take the plunge to consciously go nc.

 

Your need to heal from this and move on with life will be stalled for every day you don't. I understand that at the moment, hearing from her validates to you that your relationship, despite its flaws did have meaning for her.

 

As humans we thrive on knowing we made a difference to someone and cannot be easily discarded.

 

The fact that she knows you don't really want contact but she still insists on invading your headspace demonstrates once again, that despite what she says, she only can manipulate for her own ends.. To know you're there for her.. Well the truth is you're not and you won't be for the foreseeable future.

 

I know that people who are prone to depression seem pretty fond of looking back and ruminating on what might have been.. If you can avoid it by discipline, look to the future, and like i said find 3 things each day that you can be grateful for.. It will force your mindfulness into a positive sphere.. Growth is always the outcome of coming through great pain..

You can make it and i can tell by your insightfulness that you will have plenty to offer to someone in the future who values you.

It starts with valuing yourself and being mindful of whether the small choices you make improve or worsen your situation.

 

You are doing well all things considered. Keep being strong and keep posting.

 

At this point I've kind of concluded that contacting her really isn't an option. I think you're right in saying that she still needs me for her own ends because it does feel like she still needs that reassurance. I still feel crazy because I couldn't give her reassurance when we were together yet she's still seeking it now. I get anxiety when I think about her contacting me though, I don't know if I should expect her to show up at my door because she "was worried about me" or what.

 

Honestly I'm not wallowing in what could have been or lacking an appreciation for the good things I do still have. I mean I do occasionally think of the good times we had together but that's not really what this is. It's like constant emptiness. I feel disconnected from the present, memories seem so distant and the future is hard to dream. I still haven't really been able to sleep well. Despite taking valerian extract, calcium/magnesium, and 5htp I have still been waking up early and have had difficulty falling asleep even though I am exhausted. One night I slept deep enough to have a dream and it ended up being one about her and incorporated elements from memory. I reached out to my therapist and asked for the psychiatrist referral that she had suggested previously. I did a phone consultation with him and he said that he was willing to see me, so I have an appointment scheduled for late next week. I'm scared of antidepressants but I feel like I'm not making progress anymore. I can't sleep and I can't work and I don't know what else to do.

 

 

This week I got dinner with a pretty close friend who I stopped seeing while I was with my X . He didn't harbor any negative feelings towards me and was super supportive and reassuring that I had been handling this ok. He pushed me to delete the phone texts and voicemails she left, even if I didn't read them or listen to them because seeing them in my history was a reminder that pulled me back from moving on. I deleted them and I think we was right.

 

The night after I went to a huge concert. I was drinking and having a pretty great time enjoying the music and then right before the end of the concert something in me just snapped. Even though I was there with someone we were separated and my phone had died earlier in the night. I was surrounded by thousands of people but felt more alone than ever and just broke down.

 

I have been reconnecting with my family but I guess it feels like I'm still just not able to pull it together. I guess there is some peace in this emptiness, just not much joy.

[Whodatdog]

Day by day. Even hour by hour. Take baby steps. You will get there. You are fighting an addiction, and you will win. Just take baby steps, and be kind to yourself.

[djoner]

I've been following your story for 2 months. It kind of helps me too because I've been going through a painful break up too. Mine happened 2 weeks before yours.

 

I was with my ex for almost 5 yrs but your relationship got deeper because you guys lived together. We never lived together, she's never been out of her parents house, but we spent weekends together. Honestly, I've gathered that was the only reason we lasted as long as we did because we didn't see eachother all the time. 5 yrs, only on weekends doesn't even translate to 1 full year if we had been living together.

 

I admire your ability to stay NC with your ex. I know it can be hard because you might feel guilty, at least I do. I blocked her for a week because she kept texting me trying to meet where I was and offering to bring me lunch to my job. It felt like she was pulling me back in and it was pulling me down People told me not to feel guilty because I had to look out for me first. Our exes weren't worried about our feelings when they kept playing with our emotions, and threatening break ups, etc.

Edited June 10, 2017 by djoner

[16run17]

I've been following your story for 2 months. It kind of helps me too because I've been going through a painful break up too. Mine happened 2 weeks before yours.

 

I was with my ex for almost 5 yrs but your relationship got deeper because you guys lived together. We never lived together, she's never been out of her parents house, but we spent weekends together. Honestly, I've gathered that was the only reason we lasted as long as we did because we didn't see eachother all the time. 5 yrs, only on weekends doesn't even translate to 1 full year if we had been living together. Spending time together can definitely accelerate the process, but hopefully you didn't have to go through as much along the way.

 

 

I admire your ability to stay NC with your ex. I know it can be hard because you might feel guilty, at least I do. I blocked her for a week because she kept texting me trying to meet where I was and offering to bring me lunch to my job. It felt like she was pulling me back in and it was pulling me down People told me not to feel guilty because I had to look out for me first. Our exes weren't worried about our feelings when they kept playing with our emotions, and threatening break ups, etc.

 

hey, I'm sorry to hear about your break up as well, but I'm glad that you now have a chance to find peace, invest more in yourself, and pursue someone who will add more value to your life

 

You're right when you say they weren't thinking about us. It's good to keep that in mind because in the end whether it was conscious or not on their part, they were acting in a way that was harmful to you or I. I understand what you mean about feeling guilty too and I know that it can be difficult, but it also shows that you have depth of character and emotion, and those traits will mean a lot when you're in a relationship who is healthy and good for you.

 

 

It's been a while since I've posted and I've been drinking a bit this evening so forgive me if this isn't my most coherent post. The last month has been pretty rough. The psychiatrist and my therapist have been helping me understand my past and some of the factors in my childhood that led to me allowing myself to be in the situation I was in. I signed a waiver to allow them to communicate and I know they've met at least 2x to talk about things i've discussed with them. it's helpful though because for the most part they are both up to speed and they have worked together before so i think they can may be help me. I'm taking 2 different antidepressants and I'm not feeling substantially better but I'm starting to feel a bit. I can for the most part sleep, especially because one of the AD which I take at night makes me super sleepy. That said it's not always restful. Last night I had a nightmare about her. my hair is falling out. The last few days I've had increasing anxiety day-to-day and last night I had an anxiety attack and ended up going to my aunt and uncles' house.

 

Last week I went to a close buddy's wedding and spent some time with some old friends who were truly glad to see me and I was so glad to see them and it reminded me that there are people in my life that still care even if I've lost contact. They made me feel loved and wanted to hear about what i've been going through and be supportive. I was able to get updated contact info for some of them and plan to keep in touch.

 

 

I've been reconnecting with my best friend from childhood and his wife. I was previously close with both and they're great friends. I drove out to see them this weekend and I was explaining something to him and remembered a time when X told me that she had told my uncle that she was a motocross rider because she wanted him to think she was cool. at the time it completely passed me but he told me that it was ****ed up of her to lie like that without any remorse in hopes of gaining some kind of status. I've been thinking about the other times when she lied. I know there were other times but what stands out is one time when we had a fight on the way to stay at her parents' and ended up not going. She told them she had to stay at school late working on a paper. Now I'm wondering what kinds of things she lied to me about. I should probaby go get a ****ing std test.

 

 

Anyways. Today X called me multiple times. I had deleted her contact and almost picked up the first time but realized the number was familiar and remembered why so I didn't. She finally left me a lengthy voicemail basically saying it had been too long since we talked. She wanted to catch up and hear about how I was doing. said that she has "tried everything and can't get over [me]" and "wanted to lay it on the line" in case I feel the same way. She said to call her back but also said something passive aggressive about hoping that I had moved on and wasn't listening to her VMs any more.

 

I am going to block her number because nothing good can come out of contact. I know that if I tell her I'm not interested in talking it will only prompt her to demand why. She told me to take all the time and space I needed and reach out to her when I was ready but she can't seem to respect that. I guess I also don't understand when she made it a point to tell me she was going out with and vacationing with other guys and that she needed someone better than me in x,y,z,a,b,c ways. I can't forget all of the hurtful things she said to me.

 

 

****

[16run17]

today I got a notification that she sent message request on facebook ( i unfriended her a while ago). I looked at the request and it was a pretty lengthy message as follows

 

[my name], it's [X]! I know it's been a longtime, but I want to say a few things to you!I've had a lot of time reflect and I want to apologize and thank you!

When I think back to those last two months, I can't believe all that I did. I'm sorry for letting my insecurities take over and becoming as unhealthy as I did. I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you.

And I can't thank you enough for ending it! Although it sucked and it was hard to lose you, it's been amazing refocusing my life and getting myself into a better healthier place. I hope you have been able to do the same thing, because you deserve it! You are an incredible person and I hope things just keep going well for you!

Hopefully one day you can manage to have a friendship with me! But if not I sincerely only wish you the best!

 

so I don't know if she figured out that I blocked her number or not but I feel like she's just being sweet to try and pull me closer or get a response since her previous attempts have been ignored. I don't know if I believe her apology. I guess I don't really because it's mostly about her and doesn't even acknowledge the things that happened or validate my pains resulting from her behavior.

 

Honestly I feel a mix of pity and anger towards her. I know that it must be extremely painful for her too but I am also angry because she can't and won't respect the distance she told me to take and because of her profound inability to understand that she hurt me (which i pity her for too because i do think she is incapable of it).

 

The more I think about the relationship the more i realize how skewed it was. She was very needy and I was giving a lot to try to meet her needs, but a lot of mine went unfulfilled and then she would blame me for it (like wanting time to gym, read, etc). That frustration is really helpful in keeping me from wanting to talk to her. Especially when I think about friends and family who have a loving and respectful SO that ensures the relationship is balanced.

 

 

 

To be honest the last few weeks have still been rough because my parents have been fighting a lot and my mom has been talking about divorce while my dad doesn't even seem to acknowledge the issues. Work has been stressful as I have been working on a project for the VP. Between the stress and family drama i have hitting the gym most nights and drinking after.

 

 

 

I finally caved on getting a dog. I grew up with dogs and have wanted one but have felt like i couldn't manage it in an apartment. My therapist has suggested it several times and i have been thinking about it for a while. I started getting supplies and getting my apartment ready this week and today i went to the shelter and adopted a sweet shy female pup who loves to cuddle with me. I think that the dog will be a good distraction and help give me purpose in my day. things are gonna be ok

[Deidre]

Stay NC forever. Truly, it's the only way to rid your life of a manipulator. I got married in May, but I've dated quite a few manipulators, etc. and the only language that gets through is silence.

 

I like the dog idea, and glad to see that it looks like you saw her and the relationship for what it was...unhealthy for you.

[16run17]

Well, it has been about 1.5 months since I've heard from her. This evening I took the dog and went for a drive and got some Sonic on the way. As I was pulling into my complex I noticed a car that looked suspicious so I took a lap around the block and confirmed it was her car. She wasn't in it so she had to have been at my door

 

I broke down and called my sister and she agreed that I shouldn't go to my apartment given the pending ambush and her inability to respect my wishes. I drove around for another 45 minutes and passed by again and she was still there. Right now I'm at a relatives house and still freaking out because it was such a huge shock

 

I think I am going to have to pursue a restraining order because I don't know what else to do