Open Marriage

[stillafool]

Rather than multi-quote I will try to answer all of the questions here:

 

As far as leaving him, I love him immensely. I feel a divorce would be a knee-jerk reaction. If we ever divorce it will be because I am releasing him for his happiness. Though it hurts, I’ve come to realize since my original post that I’d rather have a part of him than a whole lot of somebody else. I’d rather share him than lose him. He is also an amazing father and I don’t know if our sexual incompatibility justifies denying my kids this. I really want to make a sane and logic decision, but I’m sure there are aspects that I’m not seeing from my angle either.

 

At this moment my husband doesn’t want anything. He said after all this he can’t even think of sex right now. He wants to be with only me. I’m the one who suggested an open relationship – for both of us – as I want to have the boundaries in place so we don’t decide things as they arise when we are thinking with our sex drives rather than our brains. He said he that he does not want another relationship ever, maybe a friend with benefits type thing. This relationship was very toxic. The other man was insanely jealous wouldn’t let my husband see any of his friends, wanted to know where he was constantly, tried to get him to leave us actively saying the kids are not that young (5,8,11), regularly throwing in his face that he still has feelings for me, etc..

 

Someone asked about our sex life. I’ve always suspected that my husband was bi-. We have a particular history. We grew up in a closed religious cult where being gay was considered WAY worse than being a pedophile. Not forgivable vs. forgivable. Naturally, it was suppressed. In this group you got married and had kids young. We were strongly encouraged to get married and with limited choices – no outside marriage – we were happy about it. We did fall deeply in love, and we’ve always had sex. It varies. Sometimes every day or more, other times once or twice a week. But I knew he had homosexual tendencies as well; he was in denial. He is not effeminate. We’ve gone through a lot together, not least of which leaving the cult which means cutting off all our ties to family and friends and starting life from scratch after having three kids, no money, no job history, no documented education, etc..

 

My husband is really good looking. We’re a young couple. Guys and girls always look at him. All my girlfriends tell me how hot he is. I’m regular. I’ve had kids. Need I say more? Though the possibility of an open marriage would be double sided I would be surprised if there was action on my end. I’m also a one guy girl. When I see nude guys in films I always compare them negatively to my husband.

 

I must add that he wasn't looking for a partner the guy pursued him. It's not the sex that hurt me, but the deceit. I told him he has my full trust again, but if it is ever broken it will be lost forever. I do not make the same mistakes twice.

 

All of this is new to us. Has anyone been in a similar place and come through successfully? Are there ways to satisfy the gay man in him sexually if an open marriage is Pandora’s box?

 

I think with the above post, OP has pretty much made up her mind as to what she is going to do. OP I wish you luck and happiness.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely, what you are proposing is not an open marriage... Rather, you are planning to give him permission to cheat. thats fine, if that works for you. But, let's not call this an "open" marriage if it means that you will be faithful to him and he will have sex with another man...

 

It does seem that you have made your decision, but I wouldn't be surprised if this arrangement does not hold up long term. it would seem to me, that you won't be able to avoid the feelings of hurt and resentment over time.... I know that I would never be able to sleep with a man who is also sleeping with other men. It would be too much of a health risk and it would take too much of an emotional toll for me... But to each their own. Best wishes.