In need of support

[Confused1990]

This will be my first post here after reading the posts in this thread.

 

I have fallen in love with a MM.

 

He has never talked about leaving his wife and it is clear that this is just a PA, so I know that this is going nowhere.

 

I know that this is wrong and I am hurting because I feel so used but yet I am developing feelings for him.

 

I thought that the feelings were mutual but his words and actions has shown that they are not.

 

Need all the support I can get to break free from this.

[Knix]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but you need to stop obsessing over him. Try getting into other hobbies, remove him from social media and start dating. Once you get your mind on a healthy relationship you'll forget about this, trust.

[Messy Lady]

Please break yourself away from this man. I've been in an on/off affair with a MM for over a year now and whilst its just sex to him, its not to me. Everytime he ends it, it hurts like hell for me but that doesn't matter to him. He carries on as if all is OK because it is to him as long as I don't make a fuss and am there for him in whatever way he wants (he's also my boss).

 

Don't be like me. Stay true to yourself and be strong.

[Confused1990]

Thank you for your replies!

 

I know that I need to break it off completely as he is just using me and only contacts me sporadically when he gets bored, unlike when he was persuing me which made me fall for him in the first place. This is why I finally made the decision to seek affirmation here.

 

I am sure that it will mean nothing to him if I break it off completely as I am now only a small part of his life. Just so afraid of whether I can cope when he is finally out of my life.

 

Each time he comes back I cave in and want to believe and trust him again. After reading other posts I realized that it seems to be a common pattern among MM. So sick and tired of the ups and downs, empty promises and hurt.

[Rebelnoir]

Hi, I'm new here as well so I can't give you as much insight as others, but I just wanted to say end this. If you've just started getting feelings for him, it will be so much easier to do now than months/years down the line.

 

You owe it to yourself to be with somebody who wants more than just sex, unless that's all you want... And if it is all you want you probably know feelings and 'just sex' don't mix.

 

Protect yourself. If you carry on down this road you will find yourself becoming more and more invested in this man. You will unintentionally compromise more of your own life just waiting around until he is free to meet, or talk. You will end up trying to make his feelings match your own and it won't work. It will just get harder.

 

I wish I'd posted here early on in my A and got some perspective.

 

I know it seems impossible, but just delete his number, social media etc and go NC. I'm on day 3, and it's hard and it hurts but it's actually easier than the emotional roller coaster I was on with MM. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy chases you hard once you end it...don't fall for anything he says, it will just be about resetting the status quo. Good luck.

[ice3784]

Are u still with him ?

[Confused1990]

Yes, it is not easy, and I am sick of sitting around, obsessing and waiting for him to be available like it was at the beginning.

 

He has not contacted me in the past week, but knowing him, he will contact me again and pull me in when he gets bored with life, and I would start making excuses for his previous behaviour, which makes it harder to break away, or to tell him to leave me alone.

 

It helps to get the perspectives of others here. Often, we know what to do to stop hurting but it is often easier said than done when feelings get involved. So grateful to all who replied

[Confused1990]

I am penning down my thoughts in this post to share and also to be able to read it during weak moments.

 

An affair can be very addictive, and the times spent with MM can bring about an emotional high. It feels like there is love, passion and a strong connection, or perhaps it could be the validation which arises from being desired and pursued by someone who is willing to step outside his marriage to risk a few stolen moments with me.

 

Then the lows will set in. Self-doubts will start creeping in whenever he is unavailable or uncontactable. I often wonder whether he is with his wife, why he is not seeing me instead, or whether he will abandon me one day. This has become an unhealthy obsession. He buys expensive gifts and brings his wife on nice dates and vacations, while he is afraid to be seen with me in public. The sneaking around was exciting at the beginning, but now I simply feel like I am his sex toy. I do not demand gifts from him but am contented just to see him. I sacrifice time with my family and friends when he requests to see me, while he does not do the same for me.

 

It makes me feel that I am not a priority in his life or good enough, which is not consistent with the connection I feel when I am with him or when he says sweet words to me. I feel that it has affected my self-esteem. I have cried many times about not being with him or being worth so little to him now. It has also affected my mood and my work as I am constantly distracted while he seems to be doing fine with his career and family life intact. It is simply not worth it.

 

My weakness is in craving for the emotional high brought about by the MM, which I have never experienced before in my life. When I am feeling impulsive, I am willing to forgive his broken promises and past actions of treating me like garbage. Like what others have commented, I need to break away from this addiction, prioritise my family, friends and hobbies to forget about him, to stop wasting time and move on with my life.

[Overtaxed]

Unless you just want the sex and are OK with the arrangement, you need to get away from this guy pronto. He will continue to string you along and use you as a toy until he can't anymore; and, on top of that, you're helping destroy or damage the relationship he has with his wife.

 

He doesn't care about you. He leaves you and goes home to sleep with his wife after he finishes with you. Sure, I suspect he says the relationship is "sexless" they ALL say that; he's having sex with both of you and, perhaps other people as well.

 

Get away from this, every moment you spend worrying about it/him is a wasted moment of your life. You only get so many, choose to spend them wisely.

[Confused1990]

You are right, and these are the words that I needed to hear, so that I stop making excuses for him when he presents his nicer side to me or gives me mixed signals.

 

We have never talked about this before but I suspect that he is still sleeping with his wife because of his high sex drive. Although, when he was pursuing me, I felt like I was the only one since he made me feel very desirable. This made me feel insecure and jealous whenever he goes home to his wife as I would wonder if he was having sex with her. I am sure he is! Lately, I also have a feeling that he is sleeping with other women at the side from my conversations with him.

[elaine567]

Truth is you have got involved with a married man as essentially a sex provider.

Just like he visits the hairdresser to get his hair cut, he "visits" you to get the sex and attention he feels he is missing in his marriage.

 

The problem you have is not with him, he has made it clear where you stand in his life, it is with yourself.

 

You appear to be sacrificing your health and happiness for some guy who sees you as little more than a service provider,

Why are you doing that to yourself?

Why are you deliberately damaging yourself?

...and don't say "love".

 

Time to take stock, time to end the chaos, end the "madness", take yourself out of "victim", "poor little me" mode and see things for what they really are.

 

MM bored at home, finds willing woman for fun and excitement. End of.

Time for YOU to choose YOU.

Find your backbone again and kick him to the curb, he is NOT the man of your dreams, very far from it.

[Confused1990]

I agree with you, and I am doing a lot of self-reflection now, because he has affected me too much that it is becoming unhealthy.

 

It was wishful thinking that he would reciprocate my feelings but at the end of the day it was all about sex only, and him putting his wife first even though he did not say that explicitly, but I could tell through his actions. Even though I would second guess my gut instinct or fool myself numerous times, it is becoming clearer to me.

 

I find it hard to comprehend why a man would pursue other women if he is happy in his marriage or is not interested in the other women other than purely for sex. Which is why I got into this mess and kept going back and forth.

[elaine567]

I find it hard to comprehend why a man would pursue other women if he is happy in his marriage or is not interested in the other women other than purely for sex. Which is why I got into this mess and kept going back and forth.

 

YOU were playing by the "single person" rules.

We meet, we fall in love, we ditch all others in our lives, and we carry on as a couple, happy ever after...

 

...and he was playing by the "married man who wants a mistress" rules.

We meet, we have fun and sex and we imagine what it would be like to be together, but that is not really going to happen as I already have a wife and I am going nowhere.

[winterkeep]

Hi Confused,

 

You've made the first step by realizing that you need to end things, keep reading here and see how many woman have let YEARS of their lives pass them by, missing out on their own chances at marriage and children to stay an OW to some guy who ditches them in the end.

 

Reading here was an enormous wake up call to me, the patterns are always similar and I didn't want to be stuck in the pain of being an OW for any longer. I think your letter to yourself is great imagine your sister or best friend saying those words, you'd want to drag them away from the situation by their hair! Love yourself enough to want to do d the same for you.

 

I'm not sure what the dynamic is that makes affairs seem to addictive and that makes OW feel as though they have an incredible, once in a lifetime connection to OM. I think it goes beyond excitement and validation, some bizarre chemical reaction is set off. Youll see its mentioned in many of the heartbreaking stories here.

 

I felt it and over a year out I sometimes (actually pretty rarely now) get a pang of sadness but honestly for the most part I dont even think about him anymore. I got counseling (major FOO issues) and read a lot about self love and healthy relationship choices and am tentatively embarking on a relationship with a good man.

 

My advice - go no contact and just walk away. Its in your power to do so, 12 months from now this can just be a painful memory or it can be your daily, constant source of pain and diminished self worth - its your choice!

 

I am penning down my thoughts in this post to share and also to be able to read it during weak moments.

 

An affair can be very addictive, and the times spent with MM can bring about an emotional high. It feels like there is love, passion and a strong connection, or perhaps it could be the validation which arises from being desired and pursued by someone who is willing to step outside his marriage to risk a few stolen moments with me.

 

Then the lows will set in. Self-doubts will start creeping in whenever he is unavailable or uncontactable. I often wonder whether he is with his wife, why he is not seeing me instead, or whether he will abandon me one day. This has become an unhealthy obsession. He buys expensive gifts and brings his wife on nice dates and vacations, while he is afraid to be seen with me in public. The sneaking around was exciting at the beginning, but now I simply feel like I am his sex toy. I do not demand gifts from him but am contented just to see him. I sacrifice time with my family and friends when he requests to see me, while he does not do the same for me.

 

It makes me feel that I am not a priority in his life or good enough, which is not consistent with the connection I feel when I am with him or when he says sweet words to me. I feel that it has affected my self-esteem. I have cried many times about not being with him or being worth so little to him now. It has also affected my mood and my work as I am constantly distracted while he seems to be doing fine with his career and family life intact. It is simply not worth it.

 

My weakness is in craving for the emotional high brought about by the MM, which I have never experienced before in my life. When I am feeling impulsive, I am willing to forgive his broken promises and past actions of treating me like garbage. Like what others have commented, I need to break away from this addiction, prioritise my family, friends and hobbies to forget about him, to stop wasting time and move on with my life.

[FoundMyStrength]

This is something that I've found helpful in moving on. Pick the part of this that is most disgusting and awful to you and then bring that to mind every time you think of him. Replace those thoughts of I love him and I miss him with that an image of the thing that is most disturbing to you about the situation.

 

For me, that is the fact that there was no DDay and he did not tell his wife. Thats the worst part. Knowing I fell for a man with so little integrity and respect for his wife that he has lived with her day in, day out for the last 8 months knowing the truth and continuing to deceive her. I put that image in my mind and the longing quickly turns to disgust. And makes me feel very lucky for getting out when I did.

[stillafool]

Did he ever promise you he would leave his wife for you? If not, you knew she was his number one priority so he didn't lie to you. It is up to you to find the strength to get yourself out of this affair and find your own happiness. You cannot blame him for your misery as you knew what you were doing from the beginning. It's time to find your own strength or you will continue to wallow in pain.

[Jemima1234]

How often did you see him normally? How often did he contact you and how? If my xMM had gone a week without contact I would have been devastated - we spoke daily!! And even then - it was so painful knowing I came second.dont make someone a priority when to them you are only an option. Take your time and grieve and then start to heal

[freengreen]

Please.

 

These things never end well, get off, get off, get off...I wish someone had slapped me with a chair when I knew it wasnt right and still chose to sneak.

[Confused1990]

stillafool, it was clear that he was not leaving his wife, but the reality that I will always be second best to him hurt. Perhaps I am clinging on to the times when he made me feel loved, which made me have high hopes. He has never committed and was also very smart to cut me off when I mentioned his wife, but I still went along with it because I had gotten too attached to him. Seems like he was simply keeping me in my place, as a plaything.

 

Jemima1234, we used to contact each other almost everyday. He seems to be pulling away recently for no reason, but comes back as if nothing happened with no explanation. Maybe he is losing interest but does not want to be the bad guy by breaking up, so sick of this.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how should I respond if he contacts me again?

[Confused1990]

Please break yourself away from this man. I've been in an on/off affair with a MM for over a year now and whilst its just sex to him, its not to me. Everytime he ends it, it hurts like hell for me but that doesn't matter to him. He carries on as if all is OK because it is to him as long as I don't make a fuss and am there for him in whatever way he wants (he's also my boss).

 

Don't be like me. Stay true to yourself and be strong.

 

Hi Messy Lady,

I hope that you can stay strong and break away from your MM too. What you mentioned is exactly how I feel. Please continue to post in this forum whenever you need support.

[Confused1990]

Hi, I'm new here as well so I can't give you as much insight as others, but I just wanted to say end this. If you've just started getting feelings for him, it will be so much easier to do now than months/years down the line.

 

You owe it to yourself to be with somebody who wants more than just sex, unless that's all you want... And if it is all you want you probably know feelings and 'just sex' don't mix.

 

Protect yourself. If you carry on down this road you will find yourself becoming more and more invested in this man. You will unintentionally compromise more of your own life just waiting around until he is free to meet, or talk. You will end up trying to make his feelings match your own and it won't work. It will just get harder.

 

I wish I'd posted here early on in my A and got some perspective.

 

I know it seems impossible, but just delete his number, social media etc and go NC. I'm on day 3, and it's hard and it hurts but it's actually easier than the emotional roller coaster I was on with MM. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy chases you hard once you end it...don't fall for anything he says, it will just be about resetting the status quo. Good luck.

 

Hi Rebelnoir,

I am happy for you that you have made up your mind to go NC. Continue to stay strong and do not give up. Keep yourself occupied and shout out to us if you need. For me it has been on/off, and I have felt better on days when I realized that I am not obsessing about him.

[Confused1990]

 

I'm not sure what the dynamic is that makes affairs seem to addictive and that makes OW feel as though they have an incredible, once in a lifetime connection to OM. I think it goes beyond excitement and validation, some bizarre chemical reaction is set off. Youll see its mentioned in many of the heartbreaking stories here.

 

I felt it and over a year out I sometimes (actually pretty rarely now) get a pang of sadness but honestly for the most part I dont even think about him anymore. I got counseling (major FOO issues) and read a lot about self love and healthy relationship choices and am tentatively embarking on a relationship with a good man.

 

My advice - go no contact and just walk away. Its in your power to do so, 12 months from now this can just be a painful memory or it can be your daily, constant source of pain and diminished self worth - its your choice!

 

Hi winterkeep, I am so glad for you that you have managed to move on. Indeed, it is the chemical reaction, not sure whether it is the sex, intimacy or emotional bond which made me lose my senses and do things which are against my value system. Affairs are so isolating, unlike normal relationships, because you are unable to confide in your family and friends, which makes things a lot worse. You have set a very inspiring example and I will certainly keep your advice in mind.

[jah526]

I'm not sure what the dynamic is that makes affairs seem to addictive and that makes OW feel as though they have an incredible, once in a lifetime connection to OM. I think it goes beyond excitement and validation, some bizarre chemical reaction is set off. Youll see its mentioned in many of the heartbreaking stories here.

 

I think the addiction is mostly on the OW side. In my case, I believe it's that the MM is a narcissist and I'm very much codependent. I read somewhere that this dynamic is magnetic - the narcissist needs an audience and the codependent needs to be needed. I don't know if this is the case in every situation, but it does take more than a little entitlement to bust boundaries, doesn't it?

[Southern Sun]

Confused, the sad thing is, you have set yourself up for abandonment by entering into this arrangement with your MM. That is why you feel so much anxiety and misery. You know deep down that this will end and that he always has one foot out the door. Frustratingly, he will maintain one foot IN the door as long as he possibly can, as well. So even while you have him, it won't feel like it. It won't be satisfying. And then there will come a day when you don't have him at all. That constant cloying, painful, nagging, heart sensation comes from KNOWING you will be abandoned somewhere down the line. You just can't figure out when it will hurt more. And frankly, all this fear of loss makes you feel like you love him more than you would a partner in a normal relationship.

 

Your only way out of this is through it. And the only way you can stop that sensation is by ending the possibility of abandonment. Why are you setting it up to begin with? It can't and won't last. It's absolute insanity. So unless you are easy-breezy (and you're not), pull that plug. You asked for advice on what to say when he reaches out. My suggestion would be to not let him reach out at all. Be gone. If you feel you owe him an explanation, go ahead and tell him it's done. But be careful how you do that, because it's awfully easy to get sucked back in by sad eyes or charming words. I say let your actions speak. You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.

[FoundMyStrength]

Confused, the sad thing is, you have set yourself up for abandonment by entering into this arrangement with your MM. That is why you feel so much anxiety and misery. You know deep down that this will end and that he always has one foot out the door. Frustratingly, he will maintain one foot IN the door as long as he possibly can, as well. So even while you have him, it won't feel like it. It won't be satisfying. And then there will come a day when you don't have him at all. That constant cloying, painful, nagging, heart sensation comes from KNOWING you will be abandoned somewhere down the line. You just can't figure out when it will hurt more. And frankly, all this fear of loss makes you feel like you love him more than you would a partner in a normal relationship.

 

Your only way out of this is through it. And the only way you can stop that sensation is by ending the possibility of abandonment. Why are you setting it up to begin with? It can't and won't last. It's absolute insanity. So unless you are easy-breezy (and you're not), pull that plug. You asked for advice on what to say when he reaches out. My suggestion would be to not let him reach out at all. Be gone. If you feel you owe him an explanation, go ahead and tell him it's done. But be careful how you do that, because it's awfully easy to get sucked back in by sad eyes or charming words. I say let your actions speak. You need to take care of yourself. No one else will.

 

This, a thousand times over. In the vast majority of cases, the MM will leave the OW in the dust. It may happen after a DDay or just out of the blue when his scale of guilt or fear of discovery tips over a little too far. But he will leave. It's just a case of when. Not if.

 

The best way to take care of yourself is to leave first. The pain will come but at least this way you'll feel like you're in control of it. Trust me, it feels better to know that you've made the decision to walk away from this mess, to walk away from being second best. Leave him now. Don't let this coward of a man continue to make you his backup plan.