In need of support

[Confused1990]

It is interesting how after reading this forum that many MM/OW relationships follow the same pattern although it made me feel special and isolated at the same time as if I was the only one going through this emotional rollercoaster.

 

Maybe some MMs share common traits of being narcissistic, fickle-minded and have poor boundaries, I don't know. I saw many red flags but chose to ignore them for the sake of having fun, but it is really not worth it.

 

I have learnt so much and felt that I grew up overnight. I am no longer the same person as before and will be more careful about setting boundaries especially towards MM in future.

 

Bottomline is, do not get involved with someone who is married or it will only lead to unnecessary turmoil, self-doubt, second guessing, lies and heartbreak, it screws up your mind and emotions. Especially women WILL get emotionally involved and it will be too late because it is just a temporary thing for the men. There is nothing glamorous about extramarital affairs. At the end of the day you will feel cheap and used by someone who is treating you as second best. Please walk away.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Confused1990

[NTV]

Have you considered telling his wife?

[painfulregrets]

It is interesting how after reading this forum that many MM/OW relationships follow the same pattern although it made me feel special and isolated at the same time as if I was the only one going through this emotional rollercoaster.

 

Maybe some MMs share common traits of being narcissistic, fickle-minded and have poor boundaries, I don't know. I saw many red flags but chose to ignore them for the sake of having fun, but it is really not worth it.

 

I have learnt so much and felt that I grew up overnight. I am no longer the same person as before and will be more careful about setting boundaries especially towards MM in future.

 

Bottomline is, do not get involved with someone who is married or it will only lead to unnecessary turmoil, self-doubt, second guessing, lies and heartbreak, it screws up your mind and emotions. Especially women WILL get emotionally involved and it will be too late because it is just a temporary thing for the men. There is nothing glamorous about extramarital affairs. At the end of the day you will feel cheap and used by someone who is treating you as second best. Please walk away.

 

 

I have read so many comments and completely share all your views and heartache because I am in it right now. It is a complete emotional roller-coaster, a lot of overthinking everytime I'm left alone. In my situation, before I manage to walk away, he has passed on an STD to me 4 months ago (my story is shared on another thread). I'm going through a depression period, but I know I will heal in time to come. Regretting this everyday... Will continue to read this forum for support.

[Lady2163]

Until you and 99% of all OWs, really truly 100% believe they deserve better than a MM, you will be spinning your wheels.

 

I'm a former single OW and still on good terms with MM. We are now just friends.

 

You deserve someone who will take you out, answer your call for help at 200 AM when a pipe breaks, introduces you to family and friends, brings you flowers (or other gifts), spends the night, celebrates with you and mourns with you.

 

I know I'm old compared to many of the posters here. But I didn't get this for years. I dated while with MM and time and again I seemed to end up dating dregs. On one hand, MM was providing good sex, so I didn't feel the need to sleep with these losers.

 

It's just been in the last 18 months or so that I've really embraced that I don't deserve someone who doesn't meet my basic standards.

 

Again, I'm on good terms with exMM and I was the one who ended things. We talk occasionally and yet I haven't asked the question, "why did you think it was okay to treat me as a side dish?" He really is a good guy and an affair was out of character for him. And yet, he was able to use a woman for his wants and desire (oh and break his vow to his wife).

 

But step back and realize what this man was offering. No strings sex. He doesn't have to call you regularly, he doesn't have to answer your calls, he doesn't have to go through day to day life with you. He doesn't have to fix anything in your house. He doesn't have to take you to and from the mechanic if your car is in the shop. He doesn't have to date or woo you. He can be "too busy to talk, text or see you". All he has to do is show up for a few minutes whenever he can and wave his penis at you. He may have to send a few texts or emails to keep you in orbit and maybe you do talk to him daily, but unless you work with him, that can be rare.

 

We as women need to STOP letting men give us their absolute least effort. And that applies whether they are single or married.

[Confused1990]

Lady2163, very well said.

 

MM is like that too, I am never his priority.

 

Over time, he does not bother to show concern for me, which even a normal friend does, much less a 'boyfriend'.

 

It seems like many MMs go by the same rules.

 

But I still find myself reminiscing the good times, wanting to believe that he is a good person, and making excuses for him

[elaine567]

But I still find myself reminiscing the good times, wanting to believe that he is a good person, and making excuses for him

 

That is what many many people do.

They excuse bad behaviour by living in the past.

The great guy at the start of your relationship, who went on romantic picnics, took you to see the sights, movies, concerts, gigs, etc. wined and dined you, bought you gifts, listened to all your concerns, made you his world... often disappeared pretty quickly, to be replaced by a selfish jerk who doesn't seem to care a damn about you as soon as he knew he had you in tow...

BUT he often doesn't actually NEED to be "great" any more as many women still live off the "love" and the "good times" they had in the first few months.

They write their own "love story" around their man, which often bears little resemblance to the truth unfortunately.

[Lady2163]

Lady2163, very well said.

 

MM is like that too, I am never his priority.

 

Over time, he does not bother to show concern for me, which even a normal friend does, much less a 'boyfriend'.

 

It seems like many MMs go by the same rules.

 

But I still find myself reminiscing the good times, wanting to believe that he is a good person, and making excuses for him

 

You know, quite possibly he IS a good person.

 

But he's a lousy choice for a romantic partner.

 

Personally, I believe everyone has a downfall. A monkey on their back. People are flawed. Some are more obvious than others. Drinking, drugs, gambling are easy to spot. Users are not as easy to spot because in order to be a successful user, you have to be able to lure in someone.

 

EXMM has no habits or vices. He's annoying like that. However, he is obviously weak when it comes to sex. He is well respected and has a lot of acquaintances and a lot of people who want to spend time with him (they want something he can provide), but he doesn't have a lot of close friend and family connections. His parents wanted their many kids to leave the nest and be successful, so they really didn't force a strong family connection.

 

So, MM doesn't have any close friends or family. I *think* that was why he was able to have sex with me and have a very long term afffair with me. Somehow he was able to throw loyalty and marriage vow to the side when wife failed to provide all but the very basic of vanilla sex.

 

It's okay to remember the good times from the last. Just don't live in the past.

 

I really want to start a movement. If men and women quit dating people who are so poorly behaved, then these people might have to actually TRY to be decent people. I have a former friend who has literally spent 30 years dating bad boys. Each time she acts surprised when they mistreat her and take her for every penny she has. I kept thinking someday she would wake up and realize that guy with long, scraggly hair, no job, no place to live, but owns a $15K motorcycle, drinks and does drugs is probably not the one for her to scoop up and bring home to her kids.

[FoundMyStrength]

You know, quite possibly he IS a good person.

 

But he's a lousy choice for a romantic partner.

 

Personally, I believe everyone has a downfall. A monkey on their back. People are flawed. Some are more obvious than others. Drinking, drugs, gambling are easy to spot. Users are not as easy to spot because in order to be a successful user, you have to be able to lure in someone.

 

EXMM has no habits or vices. He's annoying like that. However, he is obviously weak when it comes to sex. He is well respected and has a lot of acquaintances and a lot of people who want to spend time with him (they want something he can provide), but he doesn't have a lot of close friend and family connections. His parents wanted their many kids to leave the nest and be successful, so they really didn't force a strong family connection.

 

So, MM doesn't have any close friends or family. I *think* that was why he was able to have sex with me and have a very long term afffair with me. Somehow he was able to throw loyalty and marriage vow to the side when wife failed to provide all but the very basic of vanilla sex.

 

It's okay to remember the good times from the last. Just don't live in the past.

 

I really want to start a movement. If men and women quit dating people who are so poorly behaved, then these people might have to actually TRY to be decent people. I have a former friend who has literally spent 30 years dating bad boys. Each time she acts surprised when they mistreat her and take her for every penny she has. I kept thinking someday she would wake up and realize that guy with long, scraggly hair, no job, no place to live, but owns a $15K motorcycle, drinks and does drugs is probably not the one for her to scoop up and bring home to her kids.

 

You know, I wonder how many MM fit this mold. My MM also was well liked with lots of acquaintances, but seemed to be distant from his family and close friends. It seemed like his world was his wife's world, including family unit and friends. He also had this self image where he didn't believe people liked him despite evidence to the contrary. Maybe that's where their need for validation and emotional closeness comes in. We OW provide this tidal wave of love and adoration that finally, as my xMM put it "perhaps for the first time ever", makes them feel special and liked and worthy. I don't know. I just wish they all would do the normal thing and get therapy instead of using women to play out their neuroses and insecurities.