kitchwitch Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 I just found this site. Great! I have a real problem with husband of 12 years. In the past year or so, it seems to me that he has lost his mind. He's started saying that I am having affairs and calls it cheating if I speak to anyone of the opposite sex. I don't know how to rationalize with him. Please don't say to go...I do not believe in divorce. We have 3 children. He is a mariner who is gone between 8 and 10 months out of the year. I homeschool our children. I have 3 witnesses to every minute of my life (except for bathroom time!) So he is never here, but tells me that I am only allowed communication with other married women...anything else is cheating. I cannot discuss this with any member of my family or his. Tried that and he was furious b/c it put him in a bad light. I am kind, loving...we tried marriage counseling when he was last home and neither he, nor the counselor, could find anything wrong with what I do. I keep a nice house, am a fabulous cook, great with our finances, do a good job in the homeschool (our children test 5 grades ahead), they're good kids, I'm a nice neighbor...But this jealousy is making me crazy! Our main source of contact is email and it will be pleasant for a couple of months and then they start getting ugly again. I'm not sure what to do. How can I convince him that I'm not breaking any vows or commandments? Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 He wasn't like that in the past, just in this recent year or so? Well, to me it sounds like maybe he has a crush or has a female friend, he's feeling guilty about it and tranferring the guilt into anger and jealously towards you. From what you said, there is no reason why he should be jealous. It's not like you're out and about, not coming home when you say will be or out late at night. I'm not saying he's cheating, but him being gone for so long definately has something to do with it. Come out ask him what's going on. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 One of the signs of a cheating spouse is that they accuse the other of cheating to relieve their guilt. I'm not saying he is cheating but you did say that his actions are within the last year..and not the whole marriage Do you think he could be cheating ? Try and look at the picture without blinders on, If you can Link to post Share on other sites
Author kitchwitch Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 I'm sure that he probably is. I know my husband's appetite well enough. I had evidence several years ago to said behavior, but here's the deal: I cannot control what he does or doesn't do when he's gone. I know that sounds crazy, but I can only be held responsible for my behavior. I made a commitment and it has nothing to do with his level of commitment. He was always jealous. It was a fact. But this past year, it seems to have gotten worse and more out of control. And the more out of control his jealousy gets, the more he wants to control ME. I was just wondering if there was something more that I can do to alleviate his stresses about this. j Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 There is nothing you can do. The only person with the power to slow down his stress levels is him. You could lock yourself in a chastity belt, and then close yourself up in a cage 24/7 and he would still be the same way - because his behavior is driven by something that is going on with him, not you. He is just venting it out on you, because he is probably feeling guilt and wants to justify what he is doing by twisting you into the 'bad guy'. Perhaps he is wanting to make things so unbearable that you will be the one who wants to leave (thus taking the blame off himself). Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Originally posted by kitchwitch I'm sure that he probably is. Then you have your answer to why he is acting the way he is. If it's open marriage that you want that might elliviate his feelings otherwise seperation/divorce is the only step that will cure it.. Talk to him about his cheating or just let him be and see if he ends it on his own then he will go the other direction with affection Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Could be Pathological Jealousy. (????) Try typing that into your browser, you'll get more information on the web. Variations are: Delusional Jealousy, Morbid Jealousy, Romantic Jealousy, and Othello Syndrome. The treatment is usually behavioral therapy, but in some cases I would imagine that medications might be useful. He'll need a thorough evaluation by a qualified psychiatrist though. And I imagine it'll be VERY difficult for you to gain his agreement to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodhubbie Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I have to agree with ladyjane on this one. If he has always shown signs of jealousy, it could very well be as she describes. It could also be obsessive compulsive disorder. The disorder has several forms, one of which is chronic doubt. He has an irrational doubt because he is away so long, and it just circles around in his brain and comes out as jealousy when he finally sees you. Has he ever showed any signs of obsessive type behavior? It could be or have been very subtle. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I am sorry you are dealing w/ this. I have been M to a jealous spouse for 13 years and it's not good. My H has always been jealous of me. He says he is worried I will find someone better, I am too good for him. After 11 years of being accussed of cheating (which I wasn't) he was the one that ended up having the A. Even after we reconciled our M after he broke it off w/ the exOW he still has jealousy issues and thinks I am going to cheat. I agree w/ ladyjane. It sounds like our H's have some disorder and that is why they are always accussing of us of cheating. I hope that you find out what is going on and he gets the help he needs. I also hope he isn't cheating on you either. Link to post Share on other sites
PleaseRespond Posted October 10, 2005 Share Posted October 10, 2005 I've ben surfing the net for other people that are going through the same thing that I am. It sounds to me that our H's are suffering from the same thing. Can you respond to this thread and leave a contact email address please! I need some insight as to what other people are doing to cope with this. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author kitchwitch Posted October 12, 2005 Author Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi. You can reach me at [email protected] I am still here. Husband was home for a time, so couldn't post... Blessings, Julie Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Actually you can do a lot of things. Stop doing what you're doing right now! Let me guess: you're persuading him that he is wrong, that you love him, that you've never thought about it, that you wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your wonderful marriage, etc. He is a controlling person and he feeds his ego with your submissive responses. Do the opposite. Next time he start a jealous scene, tell him that you don't want to hear a word about it anymore. Hang up on him. Every time. Don't answer his email. Tell him: "I think you want me to cheat on you so I'll think about it and let you know what I've decided. If I want to sleep with someone else, you certainly won't stop me. Your accusations tell me clearly that you're the one who is cheating on me." I guarantee you that very soon he will stop accusing you. Whatever you're doing now - he enjoys it. Just do the opposite and ruin his fun. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I am still here. Husband was home for a time, so couldn't post... Blessings, Julie Are things still the same there at home? Is he still being overly jealous? Your life is bound to be fairly hellish - is there any way that you and he can go to marriage and/or individual counseling? Perhaps something could be uncovered there - either some problems that he is having, or a chemical imbalance and you two can begin to get the help you need to bring you up out of this. No one should EVER have to live at the mercy of someone else's unfounded jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Maybe he has done something he is feeling gulity for and turning the tables on you in order to not feel the guilt for what he has done..I would keep an eye on this..My friend couldn't go nowhere without her h accusing her of doing something she hasn't ..Come to find out he was feeling guilty for looking at porn when he said he wasn't doing it anymore and was becoming very paranoid and accused her of cheating ..I say keep an eye on cell bills if you have a cell ..If it isn't itemized get it..Im not saying he is cheating but is hardly at home how would you know what he is doing? Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
bradd789 Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 I cannot control what he does or doesn't do when he's gone. I know that sounds crazy, but I can only be held responsible for my behavior. I made a commitment and it has nothing to do with his level of commitment. j Wow. All I can say is you sound very centered. It's beautiful. It's actually inspiring. Where did you learn this? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 So true!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 Wow. All I can say is you sound very centered. It's beautiful. It's actually inspiring. Where did you learn this?She learned it in the book "How to become a Loyal Slave to Your Master - in 100 lessons." Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 She learned it in the book "How to become a Loyal Slave to Your Master - in 100 lessons." LOL!!! RP!! You are joking right? Link to post Share on other sites
bradd789 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 RP, are you suggesting she should change her very nature based on the actions of her husband? Perhaps he doesn't deserve such a woman, but she remains such a woman. That is what is beautiful. Think about it this way, what if everyone, including her husband, had the same centered view at Kitchwitch. What a wonderful world it would be. That's all I'm saying. Maybe she ultimately needs to leave him, but I can still be impressed with her attitude, her spirit, so far above this man, and most of us. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Kitchwitch you should do an update on about how things are/aren't going at home with your husband... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I was suggesting that she might call HIM on his behavior if he is the one who's cheating instead of desperately defending her innocence as if she must be faithful, but he doesn't. They both have to. The attitude "I don't care if he is cheating, but I musn't cheat" awakes the master-slave type of relationship in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I was suggesting that she might call HIM on his behavior if he is the one who's cheating instead of defending her innocence as if she must be faithful, but eh doesn't. They both have to. The attitude "I don't care if he is cheating, but I musn't cheat" awakes the image of a master-slave type of relationship in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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