Should I feel guilty?

[James87]

Hey so this is my first post and I'm just looking for a bit of advice on how I should be feeling. Thanks in advance for reading

 

I was in a long distance relationship with my ex for almost a year and a half. In many ways I was lucky for we used to both enjoy playing online video games and had a large group of online friends who we both used to play and talk with. My ex was the only female in this group; however, at no point did I feel any jealousy or concern for I knew these people well and trusted my ex completely.

 

This changed when a guy (let's call him Sam) arrived in our little online community. My ex and Sam were apparently good friends, though I had no idea who he was. This obviously wasn't an issue and I did my best to befriend the guy, though I always felt some hostility between the two of us, I didn't understand why. I talked with my ex about it and she said I was overthinking, maybe I was I'm not sure. My relationship with Sam only worsened, my ex began to speak with him more than with me, she started to feel very distant and would rarely allow me to play with the two of them or even join their Skype call.

 

I know some of you must be reading this and be thinking it's ridiculous, he's just an online friend, right? Well yeah, that's true. But in a long distance relationship, 90% of the time you speak to your partner will be online via Skype or whatever. It wasn't long until the time my ex and I spent talking was significantly reduced. Around this period she also told me she was too busy with university work for me to come visit her for our usual two weeks in between our university terms.

 

This continued for around two months, until I finally expressed my concern that my ex and I weren't spending the time we used to together and that maybe she could spend less time with Sam. It all came out in an argument, I got angry and very upset, as did she. She called me controlling and smothering for not wanting her to spend time with Sam, I tried to tell her I wasn't suggesting that, rather I just wanted her to put more time and effort into our relationship.

 

I shan't go into too much detail but less than a month later she ended it on the grounds that she had fallen out of love with me, mostly because I was apparently too smothering. This explained why she felt so distant and wouldn't spend as much time with me. She gave me no indication as to when exactly she'd stopped loving me mind you.

 

Since that relationship I've been scared stiff of being considered controlling or jealous. It's been over a year since the break up and my ex recently broke the NC, we've begun speaking more and she told me just two weeks ago that she misses me. At first I was happy about this, though an old friend from the online community we used to be in (I essentially cut my ties with our online friends after the break up so I could have space from my ex) told me that Sam and my ex dated pretty soon after I was out the picture.

 

Now, my ex made me feel like a smothering and controlling monster, even though I've never been told this by anyone but her. Having been informed that Sam and her did date, I don't know how to feel. I definitely shouldn't have let all my upset and anger out at once, but I don't think it's a stretch to suggest that my ex painted me as a bad guy so that she could end it with me and hook up with Sam. Regardless, I still feel as if it was my fault that the relationship ended and still feel guilt, should I though? And should I consider getting back with her given she supposedly misses me? This woman broke my heart and made me feel as if it was all my fault, and yet I still blame myself. What do you think?

 

Sorry that it's so long; I skipped out on the detail I could and the events are as unbiased as I can make them. I don't know what to feel about this and I don't think she has any idea how much she affected me when she called me controlling.

 

Thank you again for reading and I appreciate any feedback or advice you can give.

[smackie9]

OK first of all DO NOT DO LDRs. You have very little control over anything, and without the physical part to create the bond that is crucial for a relaitonship...it will eventually fall flat.

 

You were not controlling, you saw that she was starting to get emotionally involved with another guy right before your eyes...he was competition and she allowed it. That should tell you she wasn't that into you. She enjoyed the attention you gave her and that is all that was. So you reacted normally....she switch blame, and used the controlling as an excuse to breakup. LAME. You were duped.

 

 

 

Now next time, have a GF irl, and you will not be disappointed. There are girls out there that want someone to care about them, and show affection. As the saying goes you can't win them all, ....just remember this experience and use it to act accordingly when you wish to breakup with someone.

Edited April 22, 2017 by smackie9

[James87]

Yeah, I've promised myself to never have a long distance relationship again, they're far too draining.

 

I've actually turned down the opportunity to date a really great person who lives at my University out of fear that I might be too controlling, I guess just hearing that I acted normally in the situation means I can stop worrying about that and look forward, thank you.

 

How should I deal with my ex now though? She's saying she misses me, is it best to confront her about how she blamed me for everything or should I just cut ties with her again?

[Space Ritual]

Hey so this is my first post and I'm just looking for a bit of advice on how I should be feeling. Thanks in advance for reading

 

I was in a long distance relationship with my ex for almost a year and a half. In many ways I was lucky for we used to both enjoy playing online video games and had a large group of online friends who we both used to play and talk with. My ex was the only female in this group; however, at no point did I feel any jealousy or concern for I knew these people well and trusted my ex completely.

 

This changed when a guy (let's call him Sam) arrived in our little online community. My ex and Sam were apparently good friends, though I had no idea who he was. This obviously wasn't an issue and I did my best to befriend the guy, though I always felt some hostility between the two of us, I didn't understand why. I talked with my ex about it and she said I was overthinking, maybe I was I'm not sure. My relationship with Sam only worsened, my ex began to speak with him more than with me, she started to feel very distant and would rarely allow me to play with the two of them or even join their Skype call.

 

I know some of you must be reading this and be thinking it's ridiculous, he's just an online friend, right? Well yeah, that's true. But in a long distance relationship, 90% of the time you speak to your partner will be online via Skype or whatever. It wasn't long until the time my ex and I spent talking was significantly reduced. Around this period she also told me she was too busy with university work for me to come visit her for our usual two weeks in between our university terms.

 

This continued for around two months, until I finally expressed my concern that my ex and I weren't spending the time we used to together and that maybe she could spend less time with Sam. It all came out in an argument, I got angry and very upset, as did she. She called me controlling and smothering for not wanting her to spend time with Sam, I tried to tell her I wasn't suggesting that, rather I just wanted her to put more time and effort into our relationship.

 

I shan't go into too much detail but less than a month later she ended it on the grounds that she had fallen out of love with me, mostly because I was apparently too smothering. This explained why she felt so distant and wouldn't spend as much time with me. She gave me no indication as to when exactly she'd stopped loving me mind you.

 

Since that relationship I've been scared stiff of being considered controlling or jealous. It's been over a year since the break up and my ex recently broke the NC, we've begun speaking more and she told me just two weeks ago that she misses me. At first I was happy about this, though an old friend from the online community we used to be in (I essentially cut my ties with our online friends after the break up so I could have space from my ex) told me that Sam and my ex dated pretty soon after I was out the picture.

 

Now, my ex made me feel like a smothering and controlling monster, even though I've never been told this by anyone but her. Having been informed that Sam and her did date, I don't know how to feel. I definitely shouldn't have let all my upset and anger out at once, but I don't think it's a stretch to suggest that my ex painted me as a bad guy so that she could end it with me and hook up with Sam. Regardless, I still feel as if it was my fault that the relationship ended and still feel guilt, should I though? And should I consider getting back with her given she supposedly misses me? This woman broke my heart and made me feel as if it was all my fault, and yet I still blame myself. What do you think?

 

Sorry that it's so long; I skipped out on the detail I could and the events are as unbiased as I can make them. I don't know what to feel about this and I don't think she has any idea how much she affected me when she called me controlling.

 

Thank you again for reading and I appreciate any feedback or advice you can give.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

 

Please do yourself a favor and go back NC with this ex of yours.

 

She is only looking for Ego Kibbles.

 

Your relationship with her was nothing more than internet fantasy air to begin with. You loved the feelings she generated in you and she liked that you were providing an emotional crutch for her.

 

when someone in a LDR especially tells the other that they are "smothering" it is a bunch of bullcrap justification to seek validation somewhere else.. she basically tired of the formulaic compliments she was receiving from you and then this Sam guy floated her boat because he generated those same feelings in her.

 

Then she tired of that and wanted the sure fire ego stroke she knew you would give her by breaking NC with you and rest assured she will pull the sane stunt again when some new guy adds her as a friend and says all the exciting things that you once did.

 

It is a Lather,Rinse, Repeat situation.

 

Th best way to deal with it s block her form all media and make her insignificant. And then date somebody local n real life. There simply is no substitute for that.

 

I guarantee you that if you don't, that you will be back here in a couple of months bemoaning the fact you should have listened to us in the first place.

 

Good Luck

[Space Ritual]

She's saying she misses me, is it best to confront her about how she blamed me for everything or should I just cut ties with her again?

 

Pull the plug on her like she has a DNR order and you have Power of Attorney.

[d0nnivain]

You are not controlling in the slightest. You are far more a doormat then a control freak.

 

 

You correctly suspected something was brewing between your GF & Sam. When you asked her to spend more time with you & less time with him, she gaslighted you & made you feel like you were somehow at fault for her pulling away. She manipulated you & undermined your self confidence.

 

 

A controlling guy would have tried to forbid her from talking to Sam or tried to isolate her. You did neither. In fact you tried to be nice to Sam & you tried to join in when the two of them were talking or playing this game. Had their relationship been above board & strictly platonic, your participation would have been welcomed

 

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

 

Date again, but not her She never had your best interests at heart. Even if she misses you, you are still only her fall back position. She walked away once, She'll do it again the next time an interesting new guy comes along. You deserve better.

[smackie9]

Yeah, I've promised myself to never have a long distance relationship again, they're far too draining.

 

I've actually turned down the opportunity to date a really great person who lives at my University out of fear that I might be too controlling, I guess just hearing that I acted normally in the situation means I can stop worrying about that and look forward, thank you.

 

How should I deal with my ex now though? She's saying she misses me, is it best to confront her about how she blamed me for everything or should I just cut ties with her again?

What she did as horrible.......ignore her, go no contact. All she is looking for is attention because you gave it to her so easily.....frickin cut her off.

[James87]

Thank you all so much. Honestly, hearing this from all of you has taken such a weight off of my shoulders. I haven't really talked to anyone about this out of fear that I was controlling and they would think ill of me for it, so being able to talk about it anonymously and understand that I was not at fault is amazing.

 

Thank you all again.

[viatori patuit]

Controlling is a pretty subjective word.

 

I know people who think dating a single woman is controlling because she won't let them date another girl.

 

I do think there is a difference between controlling and self respect. I have zero qualms with telling someone that something is not right. If my girlfriend did something I found objectionable I have every right to tell her I did not like it. If she is so inclined then she can leave if it is too difficult to deal with.

 

Harsh perhaps but fair. I am sure if you did something she did not like that she would have lit you up over it.

[Darren Steez]

Yeah, I've promised myself to never have a long distance relationship again, they're far too draining.

 

I've actually turned down the opportunity to date a really great person who lives at my University out of fear that I might be too controlling, I guess just hearing that I acted normally in the situation means I can stop worrying about that and look forward, thank you.

 

How should I deal with my ex now though? She's saying she misses me, is it best to confront her about how she blamed me for everything or should I just cut ties with her again?

 

I don't get it.

 

So you turn down a great girl who actually lives close to you but you obsess over a girl who lives far away, dumps you then gets back to you after a year, you know she dumped you for another guy but are now confused as to how to deal with her..

 

Do you see the way I wrote it out..that's your whole problem right there

[James87]

I don't get it.

 

So you turn down a great girl who actually lives close to you but you obsess over a girl who lives far away, dumps you then gets back to you after a year, you know she dumped you for another guy but are now confused as to how to deal with her..

 

Do you see the way I wrote it out..that's your whole problem right there

 

I turned her down because I wasn't over my ex at the time, it would be unfair to date anyone when I can't give them my all. I was also scared that I was indeed a controlling guy and so I feared dating again until I had learnt and improved. Hearing from people on here has provided some closure as I now know I never was at fault.

[smackie9]

Yeah, I've promised myself to never have a long distance relationship again, they're far too draining.

 

I've actually turned down the opportunity to date a really great person who lives at my University out of fear that I might be too controlling, I guess just hearing that I acted normally in the situation means I can stop worrying about that and look forward, thank you.

 

How should I deal with my ex now though? She's saying she misses me, is it best to confront her about how she blamed me for everything or should I just cut ties with her again?

I already told you what to do in your other thread......go NC.