I need advice

[everchanging7822]

Hi everybody,

 

I had a thread here named "I need an explanation to his behaviour" that I posted around April this year.Shortly , we met online .He initiated , chats, e mails, calls everything.He is american I am european.We never met- which is absurd I know.Before jumping to conclusions he is very successful at his career I am very good at what I do .I am very sociable person and easily make friends.I am easy going person.Our online conversations continues for 3 years .One day he told me he is gay and all ended.I was devasted.But went abroad and in eight months when I got back home I was a new person happy and completely forgotten about him.What happens he calls September last year says he is not gay asks for forgiveness and says he wants me back.Completely shocked I was cruel to him .But asked for time to think because I loved him a lot.Two weeks when I say lets try he says he doesnot want to because he has disturbed my life too much.Two weeks later I learn thetruth - he is dating a girl.I go abroad to study and in two months around December( before Christmas ) he gets engaged to this girl.We still talk as friends nothing more.But I really donot believe he is engaged because he lied to me about being gay and he gives me mixed signals.I come back home atteh beginning of May this year.Around mid May he starts calling me and wanting to talk to me.Says he still has feelings for me.For two days in a row we talk he calls and everything seems fine.He even orders roses for me.On the third day he tells me at the end of the month he is getting married but still has feelings for me .I am shcoked and still think he is lying to me like he lied abotu being gay.Around the beginning of July he calls me and talks to me for 3 - 4 hours.Woke me up in the morning and talked to me 4 hours.I was very much convinced he is not married because if you are married you donto call another woman a month after you got married.Yesterday I saw for teh first time that he is married .I saw the name of his wife and his name.It was written her name Mrs.Y lets say spouse of Mr.X .From that day I cut off all ties with him .H ecan still call my house but i am determined to hang up immediately because i am a decent woman and not a marriage breaker type.

Will somebody explaint to me why he woudl do this?Why he woudl tell me he had a car crash becaus ehe was distracted in thoughts about me?Why i had a strange dream about him in flames?Why he will call me when he is married for real?Why he woudl tell me he still has feeings for me?Why for him talking to me is like cheating on his wife?Please, offer me some insight on his behaviour because I have no idea what is this man doing?Why he constantly makes remarks that his marriage may not last long?I she trying to keep me in case somethign doesnto work out with his wife?

To end thsi positively April thsi year I met my current boyfriend who is amazing person.We plan on getting engaged.

I will never ever do anything to interfere in his marriage.I myself value highly the marriage and thefamily to do that.I did love him but i guess this is not enough.Thank you an dplease, if any of you has any idea why this man acts teh way he does please offer me advice.Thank you

[d'Arthez]

You don't know a thing about him, so it could all be true, and it could all be lies. That is the first thing you must realize. So any idea is based on assumptions and not facts.

 

If he is so succesful, he will be making more than $30 K a year, so he could have easily have met you, if he had a real desire for that. The fact that he has not done that, is probably highly telling of either the love that existed between the two of you, or the fact that he might have a lot of problems hiding you from certain people who should not know about you (girlfriend, family, friends of his et cetera).

 

Most probably you are an escape for him from the realities of his life. His sexual identity change seems to be a bizarre story, he might have a girlfriend for the whole period of time, he "was" gay. But of course did not have the courage to say so, as the contact between the two of you could be considered an emotional affair.

 

And real life is not all about roses, and the contact he had with you was more likely not filled with the chores and drudgery of everyday life. The excuses he came up with, is to give you the impression that the bond between the two of you is real, and somehow will become even more real.

His car crash, is because of his own doing. His fatigue, his not keeping focus on the traffic. By laying the blame on himself, for his thoughts about you, he is trying to keep you in his life. As a sort of escape mechanism, but nothing more.

 

And you can be certain that he is married now, for whatever reasons. If he did not want to be with his fiancee / wife, he would not be with her. He went along with it, that is what counts. If he did not want to marry her, but did, it only points out the fact that he completely lacks a bit of backbone. Or even worse, a combination of both lack of morals and a lack of backbone.

"Marriage may not last long" is often a line that is used by people who are happy enough to get themselves married for whatever reason, but are willing to betray that commitment if someone better comes a long. Words with similar meaning are often used by married men, to lure someone into an (emotional and / or physical) affair.

 

In short, you are better of without him. I would not even be surprised if he has a chronic need for female online friends ...

 

Forget about the guy.

[everchanging7822]

Hi D `Artez,

 

Thank you, very much for your reply.I know where he works I have his phone number at work and a lot of other real proves of his profession.He really is very good at what he is doing and makes more than 30 K a year.He coudl not lie about that because there are real facts.And I am a person who believes only in facts not in images and phantasies.I did not believe him about the marriage until I saw the facts with my own eyes so I cannot be lied or miselad that easily.I work something that is very closely connected to facts and in my profession all that counts are facts.So about that I am sure he has not lied to me.About the other things you mentioned I will never know.Another thing I am sure of is that he is married now.So these are the facts for me.He is married .About heavy traffic- impossible he lives in a town with not so much traffic and does not have a physically exhausting or demanding job.His job is very mental.He says the gay thing was said to push me away because he thought i woudl be better off without him and keeps telling me I will have a better life than his.Something very much confusing to me also.

But as he told me he made his choice.This choice is not me.And probably for the better.Thank you for your advice and support.It is very much appreciated