NC working but what should be the next step?

[TequilaSunrise]

Hi all

 

I will try and keep this as short as possible by skirting around all the details.

 

On Monday I have a big fight with my girlfriend (semi long distance relationship). She sends me an email on Tuesday saying lets just be friends. However, she kept the door open by saying lets take things slowly and see how they develop from there.

 

I replied on Wednesday and say no, I don't want to be just friends. Good luck with your future.

 

I think she was very shocked at my response as she sent me a contrite email apologising for some of her comments in the previous email but still saying why can't we be friends etc etc. I didn't reply. I also deleted her from my messenger contact list.

 

On Thursday I received a text asking whether I was still visiting her city next week. I had to travel there anyway for business. So I responded and said yes I am. But didn't give any indication that I wanted to meet with her. She knows I am going there for business. She replied and said something like I will see you there then. I didn't respond.

 

On Friday, I received a text saying I hope you are well. She sent it at about the same time as I normally call her, so I think she was hoping I would pick up the phone and call her after receiving the message. I didn't respond.

 

Now, I know that the NC is having the desired effect as she keeps contacting me and I either take a step backward or sideways. It must be driving her crazy.

 

However, I am worried that I may be taking it a bit too far. At some stage I am going to have to take a step forward as I would like to get back together. However, I am don't want it to look like I am conceding the friends issue by contacting her and asking how she is - I don't want to be friends. I also don't want to ask her about getting back together as that would ruin all the good work done to date.

 

But I am worried that I may seem too disinterested and she will decide to move on.

 

I am flying into her city next week and I suspect that she will be at the airport (assuming she remembered what time I fly in). If she is, I will know how to play it as it would show she is still definately interested.

 

If she isn't at the airport, should I contact her or just let things be and see what happens subsequently?

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

The desired effect of NC is to heal yourself and move on with your life and find someone else to make you happy.

 

If you use NC as a game you are just playing with their feelings.

 

You need to just talk to her and work it out or do NC and move on.

[TequilaSunrise]

To be honest I am not that upset. I always have fall back positions

 

So I am not affected by oneitis.

 

But I kind of liked this girl anyway.

 

In this instance NC is not a healing process as I am doing fine. I do want to use it as a tactical test though to see whether it works.

 

That is why I was curious as to what should be the next step.

[pippen_2k]

Yeah, let us know how it goes!

 

This is cool, playing mind games with the dumper!

 

sweet sweet revenge

[magda]

Well you'll just have to play it cool. It really depends on why she broke up with you (or whatever she did..) If she broke up with you just because of the distance or something like that, you might have a chance to make her fall back in love with you. Ideally you would play it cool, not settle for "just friends" and be romantic but no where near overbearing or desperate. Just try to play it straight... Think about all the reasons you are "a catch" and figure out how to transmit that to her through a megaphone without the megaphone.

[dr strangelove]

The idea of not contacting someone is like they say " I dont wish to chat with you anymore"

 

But u like them.

 

So u just say ok fine. Then if they contact you again thats not really what they wanted anyways, they were just frustrated.

 

Honestly at this point she is more interested. Of course you are too, but you have to watch it with the wrong woman NC can backfire.

 

Give you a few examples and perhaps figure out from there.

 

When I first learned about NC, or whatever it was called at the time there was a girl I liked and she wrote me this letter about can we just be friends and I wrote her back something about seeing other women anyways and we started to bicker and that is when i stopped chatting with her. I even deleted her from MSN and I saw one day she tried to message me.. well after a few weeks I quite missed her and I sent off an

email and got one back the next day and we started hanging out again.

Things were going good, until one day it was a friday and I took her out. Then she wanted to hang out saturday, and then sunday. Well sunday I decided to make up an excuse not to meet her at this store. Then she had left like 3 messages etc.. and when she got me on the phone she was like I really wish you were here etc.

Ok thats great, my little test worked. But you know what there wasnt much need for playing games.

Id get her interest in me SHE WOULD ASK ME OUT and then half the time I wouldnt answer my phone or whatever else I did.. like being late.

If you are close by to your gf right now, why not surprise her with a visit. part of the reason that she may have thought breaking up was not seeing you so often.

 

My other backfire of NC was just lately.

Now I have an ex that I broke up with almost a year ago, and the contact os very intermittent. I hadnt her from her in a bit and I wrote her a beautiful letter and sent a beautiful song with the email. I didnt get a reply back buit I was getting all these late night blocked calls which I assume was her, cause no one else is taking credit for them. She also tried to contact me on msn, and...... I believe she has a fake profile on a dating site that im on that she tried to contact me on as well.

In any case I didnt answer the phone or msn.. and when I worte her another email

she told me to take a hike basically. So..... watch you dont backfire the game you are playing. I had posted a great article on here I found but it was deleted and im not allowed to post a link here either. But I think that my examples should be enough, its easy to get caught up in all the games.

[sanne]

that's precisely the problem strangelove. NC is not a tool to get your ex back, it's to help you move on. if you are using it to get your ex back then your not using it for the right reasons. i have found that by keeping any sort of contact with your ex, your only keeping those emotions inside you alive and lingering. NC kills all of that and allows you to detach yourself from the ex.

[smile95]

is it only natural then if you stick to NC, that feelings fade. No matter what? What if you still think of them all the time? Does it still fade?

[magda]

That's the thing though.. TequilaSunrise doesn't want to do "No Contact". TequilaSunrise isn't at that point yet. so he's adapting the NC principle to suit his needs. So far he doesn't seem to need anything drastic to revive his self-respect. If this doesn't work out, then maybe he'll do NC the way it's meant.