It happened

[MH79]

But saying "We should be collaborative not competitive" you were attempting to negate her promotion and make yourself into her equal, and that is manipulative.

Of course she wasn't going to let you get away with that.

 

I am her equal. I dont report to her. I work with her. These dialogues were before she took on additional responsibilities. Once her responsibilities increased, I asked her to work with two PMs because I could not support all of her workload.

[Timshel]

There are some men and some women who are just blank holes. I get the edge of jealousy about a promotion....but in this situation, the OP is put off by this woman looking for a romp's behavior.

 

MH79, turn off your phone when you go to bed. Control what you are able, you aren't helpless.

 

Get along with her at work and ignore her after. She wants to play, if you don't participate, she will find her next victim.

 

Man up.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Timshel

[MH79]

There are some men and some women who a just blank holes. I get the edge of jealousy about a promotion....but in this situation, the OP is put off by this woman looking for a romp's behavior.

 

MH79, turn off your phone when you go to bed. Control what you are able, you aren't helpless.

 

Get along with her at work and ignore her after. She wants to play, if you don't participate, she will find her next victim.

 

Man up.

 

Another manager that partnered with us gets it as well. Thats why he kept me on his projects and our work is totally separated now. I don't have to do anything with her anymore in terms of day to day work. So no question of trying to get along. There were just a few cold stares exchanged after a few "Hi".

 

Anyways, I am going to her boss next week. He is the one who had initially given me the job and funding for my position comes from him. He has known me for a decade as well. I will tell him that I want to be treated equally and be able to work on projects that I like. Otherwise its over and I am taking my career elsewhere.

Edited May 6, 2017 by MH79

[MH79]

How I know she has feelings:

 

My ex wife used to post pictures of her during our divorce with gifts I gave her to inflict emotional distress on me.

 

This woman is not my friend on facebook but she recently tagged a few friends of mine and posted pictures on facebook with her husband. Like first time in last 6-8 months, so that it shows up in my news feed.

 

Now that she has gotten her way, she is going to parties of projects that I did successfully and taking pictures with the team , sitting in the front row and posting pictures with the team every other day celebrating her victory lap.

 

I am working behind the scenes to escalate this behavior.

[somanymistakes]

So, your proof that she has feelings for you is that she posted pictures of herself on facebook. Not pictures to your wall, not pictures tagging you for no reason, just pictures of herself and her husband.

 

That is not proof of anything at all!

 

Even if the only reason she were posting to facebook was so that you would see it (which is unlikely, her world does not revolve around you), that's not flirtatious behavior. The most paranoid interpretation of her behavior would be that it's exactly the OPPOSITE, that she's clarifying and establishing that she has a husband.

 

Has she ever actually flirted with you at all?

 

Again and again it seems to come through that all she ever did was try to talk to you after work hours, not flirtatiously, and even mostly about work.

 

I am working behind the scenes to escalate this behavior.

 

What behavior are you trying to escalate and why?

 

There's no way for me to say this without sounding rude, but: is it possible you still have some issues of resentment towards women leftover from your divorce?

[CM71]

I would say let go of the guilt and completely stayaway from this woman. She is betraying her husband and kid and you don't want to be a part of that. It is a big mess and how could you ever trust someone like that if you ended up with her? A month ago I found out my wife started an emotional affair with a guy she dated 26 years ago. She is now leaving me for him. He knew she was married but pursued her anyway, showing no respect for her, me, and our kids. He is a divorced father of 3 and an ex-LAPD cop. Don't be that guy!

[MH79]

So, your proof that she has feelings for you is that she posted pictures of herself on facebook. Not pictures to your wall, not pictures tagging you for no reason, just pictures of herself and her husband.

 

That is not proof of anything at all!

 

Even if the only reason she were posting to facebook was so that you would see it (which is unlikely, her world does not revolve around you), that's not flirtatious behavior. The most paranoid interpretation of her behavior would be that it's exactly the OPPOSITE, that she's clarifying and establishing that she has a husband.

 

Has she ever actually flirted with you at all?

 

Again and again it seems to come through that all she ever did was try to talk to you after work hours, not flirtatiously, and even mostly about work.

 

 

 

What behavior are you trying to escalate and why?

 

There's no way for me to say this without sounding rude, but: is it possible you still have some issues of resentment towards women leftover from your divorce?

 

I do have issues with bossy and controlling people in general. I do not do well at taking orders, I have made that clear. No issues with women in general. There are plenty other women co workers. One of them reported to me until reassignment and she has deepest respect for me. However, I do not treat women differently than men. A lot of women will find issues with that.

 

Has this woman flirted with me? Multiple times but in a subtle way. When another female (she's more like a sister) co worker commented on my clothing , this woman was there gave me a flirtatious look from the corner of eyes and smiled. We used to have a meeting where she would pick on me, compliment about my behavior or make jokes there of.

 

She used to find an opportunity to talk with me and used to spend better half of her day at my desk, invading personal space. She even sat next to me typing stuff at my desk and I had to take a break.

 

However, no touching ever.

 

 

She can not post anything on my wall at all. There was one pic she posted with me tagging me last yr but that was a yr ago and nothing was going on that time. Although we spoke with each other for hours for months, she and I never sent each other a friend request. I sent her a linked in request couple of times but she did not accept it.

 

Any woman that is trying to have an affair is going to keep the other man away from facebook. Thats a no brainer.

Edited May 7, 2017 by MH79

[MH79]

I would say let go of the guilt and completely stayaway from this woman. She is betraying her husband and kid and you don't want to be a part of that. It is a big mess and how could you ever trust someone like that if you ended up with her? A month ago I found out my wife started an emotional affair with a guy she dated 26 years ago. She is now leaving me for him. He knew she was married but pursued her anyway, showing no respect for her, me, and our kids. He is a divorced father of 3 and an ex-LAPD cop. Don't be that guy!

 

Ofcourse, I can not be the factor in her divorce. Thats why I started distancing away from her. I understand it would be tough on her initially to lose a co worker she liked but I made that decision because she has a little girl. But of course, I do not want to be reassigned from my job duties I want her to be reassigned

[elaine567]

Has this woman flirted with me? Multiple times but in a subtle way. When another female (she's more like a sister) co worker commented on my clothing , this woman was there gave me a flirtatious look from the corner of eyes and smiled. We used to have a meeting where she would pick on me, compliment about my behavior or make jokes there of.

 

And you think that means something?

 

I think that whilst you were getting all hot and bothered under the collar about whether this woman was lusting after you, she found out enough about you and the job to steal your promotion.

 

People flirt at work all the time, they make jokes, they compliment people, they smile, they act very friendly.

It usually doesn't mean anything at all.

 

I feel you projected your feelings onto her and so caused drama, where none needed to be.

You do not like taking direction so railed against her when she as lead made decisions, decisions she was entitled to make.

 

It seems you already ran your last female co-worker out of town and you want to do the same to this one, but what i see is that she is on more solid ground than you are here.

[sandylee1]

Every company is different, but where I work and I'm a HR Professional, when a vacancy arises, those who have the relevant experience can apply for it.

 

They get shortlisted if they meet the criteria and have an interview, appointment to the post is based on your answers in the interview and any tests.

 

It should be a fair and transparent process. Having said that if you are known to be a bit difficult to work with it will put the recruiting manager off.

 

It's fine to disagree with something, but how you commincate that will affect how your opinion is received.

 

I'm also not one to hide my opinion and I do vocalise if I disagree, however I'm mindful of my words, tone of voice (or enail) and my body language. I also explain the problems that could happen with their I idea and if applicable I provide an example on when their approach previously caused problems.

 

I can't count the number of times I've sat down and explained this to managers. It just gets people's back up if you communicate as though you know it all and refuse to work with a colleague because you disagree with them.

 

Perhaps reflecting on how you've shown your disagreement would be helpful.

 

People may just view you as having a problem because she's a woman if you express yourself poorly.

[MH79]

And you think that means something?

 

I think that whilst you were getting all hot and bothered under the collar about whether this woman was lusting after you, she found out enough about you and the job to steal your promotion.

 

People flirt at work all the time, they make jokes, they compliment people, they smile, they act very friendly.

It usually doesn't mean anything at all.

 

I feel you projected your feelings onto her and so caused drama, where none needed to be.

You do not like taking direction so railed against her when she as lead made decisions, decisions she was entitled to make.

 

It seems you already ran your last female co-worker out of town and you want to do the same to this one, but what i see is that she is on more solid ground than you are here.

 

Any body can topple the govt in a coup if it is allowed. Thats what happened. You agree that she stole my job and no she can not do it herself without the team I groomed supporting her. Nobody is replaceable in the company, that includes me or her but the employer has an obligation to to be fair and equitable to all employees.

[MH79]

Every company is different, but where I work and I'm a HR Professional, when a vacancy arises, those who have the relevant experience can apply for it.

 

They get shortlisted if they meet the criteria and have an interview, appointment to the post is based on your answers in the interview and any tests.

 

It should be a fair and transparent process. Having said that if you are known to be a bit difficult to work with it will put the recruiting manager off.

 

It's fine to disagree with something, but how you commincate that will affect how your opinion is received.

 

I'm also not one to hide my opinion and I do vocalise if I disagree, however I'm mindful of my words, tone of voice (or enail) and my body language. I also explain the problems that could happen with their I idea and if applicable I provide an example on when their approach previously caused problems.

 

I can't count the number of times I've sat down and explained this to managers. It just gets people's back up if you communicate as though you know it all and refuse to work with a colleague because you disagree with them.

 

Perhaps reflecting on how you've shown your disagreement would be helpful.

 

People may just view you as having a problem because she's a woman if you express yourself poorly.

 

I agree with you. I have expressed my self poorly. I am usually direct and will tell the person no on his/ her face in no uncertain terms. With me, people usually know where I stand, there is no grey area or in between.

 

In talking with other co workers who were in meetings with her after this, the impression I got was she reached a breaking point with me because she got NO for an answer on a lot of things.

 

It may come across as I know it all and yes that can be a blocker. However, I always help my team and the productivity is super high. All the things I had promised in the 6 month review cycle have already been completed.

 

She is not letting me work on other projects that I am passionate about. I already did 50% of the work on those and she is trying to steal credit for that project. This project will also render anything she has done in the last 6 months as obsolete. The business wants it, I want it, she doesnt want it. And everyone has to just not do it because she is the lead. What BS. Now she is going to complete what I started and claim that she finished it.

 

I generally view myself as a person who works in the best interest of the company. The only person who can order me to change the way I work is my manager or those in my chain of command, however; I am free to express myself as I wish to anyone else, including accepting or rejecting assignments.

 

I am definitely not an agreeable person. I always look at the business problem and apply my best judgement to it based on skills and experience. At the same time, apply personal and professional values such as respecting other people's personal times. I am not there to make anyone happy but to build systems and solutions that the company can use for years together based on its business projections, requirements etc.

Edited May 7, 2017 by MH79

[Grammie]

How did she "steal" your job? You are a contractor, and she was the government, right? They promoted from within, they chose to not pick an external hire.

 

There is no 'emotional' affair here. You are making mountains out of molehills. Sounds like she tried to be friendly with you, because she has heard your reputation of being hard to work with. And then realized that you were more of a liability than a team player and now she doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

Going to her boss? And complaining to him that .... she got picked over you? She gave you direction you didn't agree with? She wanted you to do xzy and you disagreed and stated you wouldn't do it. I would do the same thing as her - stop using you to work on projects and not want you associated with anything I am working on.

 

You seem very jealous of her - she stole your job, you did all the work, you groomed all the people. There is a reason you didn't get the job. Instead of blaming HER for getting the job, go to the hiring manager and find out why you didn't.

 

It also sounds like you have a BIG crush on her and you misinterpreted her friendliness for flirtation and she has not given you a 'green light' to pursue her, in fact, it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with you because of your attitude, and now you are mad and want to retaliate. Step carefully, you are treading on thin ice. Regarding the nightly texting, you engaged in it. You looked forward to it. And now it isn't happening and that has you upset.

 

FYI - this comment:

Any woman that is trying to have an affair is going to keep the other man away from facebook. Thats a no brainer.

 

couldn't be more wrong. MANY affair partners are FB friends AND/OR set up fake accounts to be in contact. She isn't interested in having an affair with you. I cannot understand why you think this.

[MH79]

How did she "steal" your job? You are a contractor, and she was the government, right? They promoted from within, they chose to not pick an external hire.

 

There is no 'emotional' affair here. You are making mountains out of molehills. Sounds like she tried to be friendly with you, because she has heard your reputation of being hard to work with. And then realized that you were more of a liability than a team player and now she doesn't want anything to do with you.

 

Going to her boss? And complaining to him that .... she got picked over you? She gave you direction you didn't agree with? She wanted you to do xzy and you disagreed and stated you wouldn't do it. I would do the same thing as her - stop using you to work on projects and not want you associated with anything I am working on.

 

You seem very jealous of her - she stole your job, you did all the work, you groomed all the people. There is a reason you didn't get the job. Instead of blaming HER for getting the job, go to the hiring manager and find out why you didn't.

 

It also sounds like you have a BIG crush on her and you misinterpreted her friendliness for flirtation and she has not given you a 'green light' to pursue her, in fact, it seems like she doesn't want anything to do with you because of your attitude, and now you are mad and want to retaliate. Step carefully, you are treading on thin ice. Regarding the nightly texting, you engaged in it. You looked forward to it. And now it isn't happening and that has you upset.

 

FYI - this comment:

 

couldn't be more wrong. MANY affair partners are FB friends AND/OR set up fake accounts to be in contact. She isn't interested in having an affair with you. I cannot understand why you think this.

 

Have you read the whole thread ? First they had approached me but I had said no. They have approached me 5 times by now , every time I said no. Why ? Because the level is not appropriate for the experience. She is a lead according to her boss but I don't report to her. And I still make more money than her. So obviously reporting to her wil not help my career.

 

As I said I did not have any feelings for her until March or so. Not everyone thinks I am difficult to work with.

 

Her direction was basically a set up to get rid of me.

 

Now that our work is completely separated, we will see who gets more done.

 

And of course you can hire a doctor to do surgery for you and tell him how to do that surgery and see how that goes .

 

Of course I will ask her boss the feedback why he gave her the job? The answer likely is that she is a yes woman and perhaps better on soft skills. The boss wanted some technology stack to be implemented and I was opposed to it. But he is definitely a good judge of people. Because he has hired me and put up with all my BS

Edited May 8, 2017 by MH79

[somanymistakes]

You have a workplace problem, not an affair problem, IMO. We may be the wrong group to offer advice on sorting it out.

[FoundMyStrength]

You have a workplace problem, not an affair problem, IMO. We may be the wrong group to offer advice on sorting it out.

 

I agree. I think we all sympathize with the fact that there is tension between you and this female co-worker, and many have offered suggestions. But it doesn't sound like you and she had an affair. Maybe some workplace flirting, but far short of an actual emotional affair. I wonder if you might find more support and help in the Business and Professional Relationships forum or somewhere similar. It seems like you are getting upset and frustrated with some of the responses here, but the truth is, most of us are here to provide support for folks enmeshed in affairs. We're all quite knowledgeable on that topic, but not necessarily as well versed in how to best navigate tricky workplace politics.