How to get a second chance

[tim007]

ey all, sorry in advance for the long message, really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it.

 

I’m here because I’ve recently broken up with a girl I had been dating and really cared about. I’ve tried just about everything to get over it, have kept myself busy with friends, seen other girls, and just generally tried my best not to think about her. I find myself a little embarrassed sharing all of this because it shows that I’ve let a single person affect me so much.

 

A little background about myself: I’m 25 years old, working full- time now after graduating from college in 2015. I’ve never been much of a relationship guy, in fact I’ve only had one real relationship before that lasted maybe a year or year and a half back towards the end of high school. In college I never even gave it a thought having a girlfriend, I just enjoyed going out and meeting many different girls. Now that I’m working and a little more settled down, I’ve started dating more frequently and have thought about trying to find a partner or girlfriend. I’ve found it much more difficult post college meeting girl’s organically through friends and connections even though I do have quite a few girl friends and have a pretty outgoing personality, decent looks, and a good job. I’ll admit, I’ve resorted to the Tinder and Bumble scene and have had relative success with it.

 

Let’s call the girl I just broke up with Jane. Jane and I matched on Bumble over a year ago, we talked for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, but then never met because she was still on and off with her ex-boyfriend who had moved out of the state. We just stopped talking or rather she just didn’t respond any further. It was no big deal and I didn’t push my luck at all or act desperate in any way. Fast forward a year and I get a Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram friend request from her. I come to find that she had deleted her social media and had just re- added everyone. I had completely forgotten this girl, but I took the opportunity to send her a message or two and then ask her to dinner, which she accepts.

 

I pick her up in my nice car and take her to a nice restaurant, where we had a great dinner, enjoyed some nice food and drinks and really got on very well with one another. After dinner we decided to grab “another drink” which turned into several drinks and essentially we went out together that night until 2AM or so. In my previous blind dates, I never really made it past the dinner part before dropping the girl off. This time we were having an amazing time with each other and it was definitely a good first date. At the end of the night, since we had been drinking and I lived rather far away, she invited me to stay at her house. Just want to disclose here, that she still lives in her parents’ house so she literally had to ask her mom’s permission to have me over. (She’s 24 years old, I’m now 25)I stay the night over there, we make out, sleep together, but don’t have sex. It was a great first date and I knew at that point when I woke up the following morning that I would be seeing this girl again.

 

I couldn’t believe my luck really, this girl is beautiful, I’d say prettier than any girl I’d ever been with previously. But at the time I didn’t show that I was intimidated in any way, I was confident. It seemed too good to be true. We texted back and forth the following week and made plans for the following weekend together. We ended up having a fun day on our second date and she ended up staying at my apartment that night. I won’t detail every little date we had, but long story a little shorter, we continued seeing each for the next 3 months, spending quite a lot of time together.

 

3 months isn’t a long time for most people, but for me it kind of is. I developed feelings for her during this time period and I could tell she did the same, but maybe not to the same degree. Now, I’ll get to the point of how and why we broke up/stopped seeing eachother and to do that I think a little background on her would be helpful. “Jane” blew me away with her looks and she is a genuinely happy and nice girl with a good personality, very fun to be around. While early on, everything was going well and we got along great, there were a few red flags that I noticed. #1 living at home as a 24 year old was a little odd, not that it’s too uncommon, but she could afford to live on her own. During the first month of seeing each other, I spent significant amount of time at her house, becoming friendly with her parents who definitely seemed to like me.#2 She had a strangely close relationship with her mom, and I’m really not a judgmental person, in fact I’m very close to my family too, but trust me it was oddly close between the two of them. Her mom in my opinion controls a lot of what she does and she shares everything with her mom. #3 This started after our very first date, she started posting every photo of us on Facebook and Instagram, while constantly posting Snapchat stories with me in them. Things were moving very very fast… Too fast. She was promoting her new found relationship and it was something I kind of liked, but found to be a little over the top. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not a relationship guy, I don’t know any better, and this girl is sooo good looking, I wasn’t complaining. Lastly #4, she was a little nutty with the social media as a whole, commonly posting several things a day on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, possibly because she needed that little bit of extra attention. Other than these few red flags, everything seemed good and we were both happy as can be for the first 5-6 weeks of seeing each other.

 

After about 6 weeks when we had our first argument/fight/disagreement/miscommunication or whatever you want to call it. I had taken a weekend trip to Washington DC to visit some friends and it was no big deal, we stayed in touch for that weekend through a few texts here and there. What I later found out was that she was a little disappointed that I didn’t facetime and call her more because I had mentioned that I would before I left for the trip. I was just having fun and was pre occupied with my friends, no big deal. Anyways, she didn’t make a huge deal about it, but the following weekend is when we had our first problem (That I don’t know if we ever truly recovered from) We had loose plans to meetup on a Friday night. I was grabbing a drink with one of my guy friends and she was going out with one of her girlfriends and essentially that night we had a miscommunication, I texted her a few too many time trying to meetup and she got annoyed with me and kind of blew me off. The next morning we talked on the phone for a few minutes and I made a mistake. I should have apologized and just said it was no big deal, I acted stupid last night, just wanted to see you, instead we got into this big argument. We didn’t talk for the majority of that Saturday until she texted me with a “hey” that night and we sort of made up a little.

 

Essentially, we made it about 6 weeks of perfect, no problems, kind of a honeymoon period. After this fight we had many good times together, but the fighting and arguments occurred on a weekly basis from here on out. It was the sort of unavoidable fights that were occurring, usually her picking them. She opened up to me that she had some anxiety problems, had had some cheating ex boy friends and would commonly shut down whenever there was an issue. I started to see an unstable side to this girl that I hadn’t seen before. I couldn’t help but think of the sexy/crazy matrix. Where girls just can’t have it all, the good looks, smarts, sanity. (Joking here of course) After a few fights and instability between us, Jane started to slowly but surely take down our social media photos. It wasn’t a great sign, but then again this girl is a little whacky with the social media. T

 

On a good night, when we had a good week, I showed my very first bit of weakness. We had “the talk” and basically agreed that we aren’t seeing other people. Being honest, I was a little awkward with how I proposed it, but it didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. The next month or two, until our eventual downfall, we spent some fun days and nights together, took trips to Disney, went to the beach, etc. But we had a few underlying issues. I may have become a little overbearing, needy, less confident. After our first big argument, I sent a bouquet of flowers to her work one day, which was a really nice gesture and she seemed to really appreciate it. Of course this good will only lasted another week or so and we were having issues again. Valentines Day came around and I took her out to the beach, organized picking up heart shaped pizza and we enjoyed a great night. It’s just those grand gestures, while they seem like you’re doing something to make the relationship better, it doesn’t really help. Had to be more aloof and less dependent on her and stop trying too hard.

 

I built up some expectations and always wanted to invite her to do things with me because I enjoyed her company and she seemed to enjoy mine. That was the underlying issue, I would want to hang out with her and she felt guilty not wanting to all the time. I wouldn’t say I was overly pushy or did anything too extreme but towards the end, we just weren’t happy at all. The romance wasn’t there anymore because we were fighting a lot. The fighting arose from me wanting to spend too much time with her. She was putting in effort too though, it wasn’t completely one sided. She would occasionally invite me to do things and go out of her way to show she was trying.

 

When we were on the brink of breaking up with each other, I sent her a long email (Stupid mistake, I know) that was really from the heart. (I mentioned many things in that email, but I also mentioned that I was starting to fall in love with her)She seemed to appreciate the email and said she needed some time to gather her thoughts/feelings and we would talk about it all. 2 days go by and she hadn’t reached out directly. She was indirectly liking my mom and my sisters Instagram posts, even commenting on them, but she hadn’t texted me anything.

 

This is where I made my greatest mistake, other than the controlling behavior which I already mentioned. I went to a professional sporting event with another girl. I put a snapchat story up that panned the game and then had the girl in it as well. It was stupid, immature and I shouldn’t have done it. I wanted to make Jane jealous. I received a text from her 15 minutes later saying “Never talk to me again” and after that there was simply no coming back. She said my email had been completely thrown out the window by this. She blocked me on Facebook and Snapchat that night, only to eventually unblock me, but never added me back as a friend. She didn’t however block me on Instagram.

 

I never begged, I didn’t completely lose my pride, but there was nothing I could do now. I asked for my apartment key, $100, and sweatshirt back and she replied that she would return by Sunday. Of course Sunday comes around and she doesn’t drop anything off. Instead of becoming pushy I just let it go for a few days and sure enough the following Thursday, she texted me saying she had dropped the stuff under my mat while I was at work. She waited a full 4 days later to drop my stuff off when she easily could have done it earlier. She works right across the street from my apartment. For me, this was the final straw.

 

Being a guy, I should have been over it, time to move on, but there was something about this one that I just completely fell for. Again, I’ll reiterate that I didn’t beg, but I did try one more time to have a conversation with her via text. I explained that I was sorry how our relationship was ending up and that I was guilty of making some mistakes. She asked me what I thought I had done wrong and I explained. She agreed with a lot of what I was saying. We left it there with me saying I’d love to just see you sometime just to talk and clear the air. She said she needed to be alone and that it was too much for her right now. She seemed ticked off with me about the snapchat still, saying “she already knew you could get other pretty girls” and “you do you.” She resented the fact that I had sent that snapchat just to receive a reaction from her. I really can’t blame her, it was a stupid decision to do that.

 

I considered the relationship to be completely over at this point, I gave it one try owning some of my mistakes, saying I learned from them and backhandedly asked for a second chance. She didn’t take the bait this time and it was of course time to move on. After all, we were both unhappy, the drama was way too much for a healthy relationship.

 

As the next week or two went by, she continued liking all of my moms and my sisters Instagram posts (Yes she had them on Instagram) She also like my Instagram post with a few of my friends. She snapchat messaged a mutual friend whom she only had met once through me. It just seemed like I couldn’t shake her off. She was still indirectly in contact with me, but not actually reaching out. The next weekend, I saw her at a bar from a distance as she walked in, we made awkward eye contact but said nothing to each other. It was a huge bar but of course she chose to stand maybe 10-15 feet away from my friends and I, almost as to show off how great she looked that night. A few days after this occurrence, was my 25th birthday. I received plenty of happy birthday wishes from friends and family, but wondered if she would say anything. Sure enough, later in the day she texted me a ”happy birthday” no exclamations, no emojis, but a happy birthday nonetheless. I let an hour or so go and respond nicely to her, saying I hope she’s doing well. She replied one more time wishing me well and that was it, it was left like that.

 

The following week, maybe 10 days after we had officially stopped seeing/talking to eachother, she’s posting photos with another guy… It hurt to see, but at the same time it confused me a lot. This guy looks like a step down, as biased as I may be this dude is surprisingly overweight, not attractive, older (as in approx. 35 years old) Thoughts start going through my head, he must be rich or have a great job, how could she move on so quickly, is she just a serial dater, is it a rebound. I had no idea, but I don’t see them being together say 6 months or a year from now. He must be 10 years older, he’s overweight, etc. So I let another week or so go and block her on Instagram (Only social media I still had her on). Just so she can’t see what I’m up to and I can’t see what she’s up to. A few days after this, she texts me unexpectedly while I’m at work with a picture of one of my old shirts that I had let her wear one time. The message said “Do you want this?” Maybe I shouldn’t have thought too much into it and she had just come across the shirt, and was trying to be nice, but it was just an old t shirt, it had been a few weeks without contact, it could also have been her fishing for a response. Either way, I replied “No thanks, don’t need it” and that was the last contact I’ve had with her exactly 2 weeks ago from today.

 

We’ve been done for just over a month and as much as I’ve tried to get over her I can’t seem to. I’ve stayed active, gone to the gym, run clubs, hung out with friends, gone on dates, stayed busy at work, etc. I just really want a second chance to not force things and to be happy like at the very beginning of our relationship. The main problem was diving into the relationship so fast. She really set the precedent here. Once things went south, she started becoming emotional and obviously her friends and her mom were able to see how unhappy she was. I believe her mom and her friends began to have a negative opinion of me and that is always tough to go up against.

 

I think to her, maybe I’m just another guy that she dated for a while, but to me she’s a great girl, very pretty and while she has her issues too, I want to be with her again, but I can’t be. I haven’t contacted her, she’s contacted me indirectly twice on my birthday and for the shirt, not exactly great examples of her reaching out, but I’ve kept my cool. I don’t know what she’s up to now, but assume she’s still seeing this guy and going through that same honeymoon phase we went through.

 

I would love to hear any opinions regarding this and whether or not you think I have any shot here. A 3 month relationship is not a long time, it’s already been a few days over a month since we really stopped seeing each other. I can hardly say something if she is dating another guy, but I do want to try ONE more time at some point to try and win her back. I’ve kind of already used up my no contact period and now need a long term strategy here. I’ll move on for the time being, maybe even find another girlfriend, but this girl is special to me and at some point I want to reach out to her again. I guess I want to know whether or not you recommend trying to start a conversation with her now or do I wait 6 months down thr road until the dust has completely settled? And do I bring up the relationship and its problems or pretend like nothing happened? I’m hoping the new guy is a rebound, he seems way older and like I said not the greatest looking.

 

Moral of this story, I think I tried to force the relationship too much as opposed to just letting it happen. It’s tough now because I just think of the unfulfilled potential, what could have been.

[d0nnivain]

You realize you forced the relationship & that is what lead to its demise but now you are hear asking how to force a reconciliation. Think about that.

 

 

You dated for about 90 days & you have had more problems, more fights, more garbage then I have had in a 8 year marriage, preceded by 2 years of dating.

 

 

At some point you need to recognize that it was dysfunctional & let it go.

 

 

You want something that didn't exist.

 

 

Also you can't go backwards. You want to be happy like you were in the beginning. Although I dispute that you were all that happy, there is too much water under the bridge over too short a period of time to resurrect this.

 

 

Move forward. Learn from the mistakes you made here. Don't make those mistakes again.

 

 

Continue to keep busy. Eventually you will be ready to date again.

[tim007]

Yeah you're right, it wasn't working and we both were unhappy at the end because of the fighting. The fighting stemmed from me wanting to spend more time with her. There was a point when this girl really liked me and it is just tough to swallow that she is completely over it.

 

I'm still so tempted to text her and just test the waters but it doesn't help with the moving on process. I almost think she is waiting for me to reach out at some point so she can just turn me away. Would a harmless "can we grab a drink and talk sometime after work one day" text be that terrible of an idea?

 

I fully expect everyone to say it is a bad idea and for that I do appreciate the honesty. Just trying to see if there is any possible upside. At this point there really isn't much else to lose as far as this situation goes anyway.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah you're right, it wasn't working and we both were unhappy at the end because of the fighting. The fighting stemmed from me wanting to spend more time with her. There was a point when this girl really liked me and it is just tough to swallow that she is completely over it.

 

I'm still so tempted to text her and just test the waters but it doesn't help with the moving on process. I almost think she is waiting for me to reach out at some point so she can just turn me away. Would a harmless "can we grab a drink and talk sometime after work one day" text be that terrible of an idea?

 

I fully expect everyone to say it is a bad idea and for that I do appreciate the honesty. Just trying to see if there is any possible upside. At this point there really isn't much else to lose as far as this situation goes anyway.

 

For what purpose, though?

 

You want more than she was willing or able to give. Having a drink together isn't going to fix that.

[tim007]

I think you're right,

 

I realize I made some mistake here, but want to be careful not to blame myself entirely for the failed relationship. She was slightly more on the difficult side and had some issues going on as well.

 

Reaching out now wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably just make matters worse. It's time to get the idea of contacting her out of my mind. If I do run into her in say 6 months or a year down the road, who knows what could happen. It wasn't the cleanest breakup, but at the same time there wasn't any name calling or cheating involved either. 3 months isn't a very long relationship, but we shared some great times together and the feelings were definitely there.

 

 

Have to live and learn from mistakes. Try and mature, date other people and just get back to enjoying my life.

 

 

All the best, Tim

[DarrenB]

I think you're right,

 

I realize I made some mistake here, but want to be careful not to blame myself entirely for the failed relationship. She was slightly more on the difficult side and had some issues going on as well.

 

Reaching out now wouldn't solve anything, in fact it would probably just make matters worse. It's time to get the idea of contacting her out of my mind. If I do run into her in say 6 months or a year down the road, who knows what could happen. It wasn't the cleanest breakup, but at the same time there wasn't any name calling or cheating involved either. 3 months isn't a very long relationship, but we shared some great times together and the feelings were definitely there.

 

 

Have to live and learn from mistakes. Try and mature, date other people and just get back to enjoying my life.

 

 

All the best, Tim

 

Acknowledgement and understanding the relationship as an entirety is a necessity to moving forward. You've made the right choice in doing so, hopefully you've grasped that attempting to pursue her from this point onward has no benefit for you. You can create your own new paths and find happiness and romance elsewhere. Keep the memories, but don't let them convince you to act on them. Godspeed.

 

Darren.

[BryanSmiley]

As much as I sometimes think responses can sometimes be a predictable; NC, move on, but at the end of the day she's dating someone else now. Do you bump into her often? Have you discussed the topic with your family, because it's perhaps a little wierd they are on touch on there. I'd say there's an element of her doing that to convince herself/you/others, that she's the good guy, your the bad guy, and she's not lost out and gained some friends from it all at least. Whereas really, it's un-usual to stay in touch with your family.

 

I can relate to part of the dynamic you describe. My ex was the opposite on social media, and was actually very cautious about getting serious overall. But at certain points she'd really make an effort, come on strong, I'd reciprocate - and that would be the exact time she'd then freak out and back-off. Some on here can ratonalise this behaviour better. It's easy to get wrapped up with the style, pace of the other person, but perhaps similar to your approach OR at least consistent - gives things the best chance to succeed long term. We had chicks that were flinging back and forth from one extreme to the other in some respects dude. Try not to blame yourself post the roller-coaster ending, I know it leaves your bewildered and questioning yourself, but a lot of it is there internal issues.

[Popsicle]

Leave her alone. You had your chance and blew it. She's move on, you need to as well.

[tim007]

Update: Not really anything of any huge not, but worth mentioning.

 

Oddly enough today, about a month since we've last spoken, her brother added me on Snapchat. It said "added by phone number" so he must have had my phone number somehow, only thing is I never exchanged phone numbers with him...I met him once or twice and we got along pretty well, but he lives in a different state so was only visiting when we met.

 

Her and her brother are very close and talk a lot, so one has to assume there was a conversation before he added me completely out of the blue... I did add him back but don't plan on interacting what so ever with him on Snap, won't view his stories or anything like that.

 

Any thoughts as to why this would occur?

 

She must still be thinking about me to some extent, but maybe scared to reach out because she has no idea what I've been up to for the past month of NC.. Or she's just fishing and having her bro keep tabs on what I'm up to...

 

I'm still unsure if she is seeing the other guy, I stopped viewing her social media over a month ago as it just was a set back each time I looked at it.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies

[tim007]

Hey quick update...

 

I've been doing the NC for about a month now and it's been going pretty well. Actually started seeing another girl occasionally

 

Today though her brother added me on Snapchat which I found to be really odd. It said "added my phone number" which suggests he had my phone number, only thing is I never exchanged phone numbers with him. I met her brother maybe two times and we got a long well, but he lives in another state and was just visiting for the weekend both times.

 

Her and her brother are really close and talk a lot so one could assume they had a discussion about this before he added me completely out of the blue. I'm trying not to overthink this, but its tough to understand why this would occur. Seems like an indirect way of contact

 

It seems like at the very least she is still thinking about me to some extent. It's possible she's just using her brother to keep tabs on me or it's possible she's thinking about reaching out but scared to do so because she doesn't know what I've been up to for the past month of NC.

 

Any insight on this would be appreciated. Thx

[juniorrocha]

It doesn't matter, you'll never know. There may be a thousand reasons behind her actions.

 

You're just wishing she will reach out somehow, so you get your hopes up with the smallest things.

 

You've tried enough, she wants to move on, so you either wait for a change of heart from her, or you get going with your life as well. I suppose I don't have to say which one is best for you.

 

Once it took me 4 months to get over a girl I was seeing for just one month. It was hard because I thought she was perfect for me. Tried everything and anything and still no one seemed good enough. Then I met my current gf. And suddenly the other girl meant absolutely nothing anymore.

 

Keep doing your thing, if she ever talk to you directly then you can decide what to do. Meanwhile, let it go. When you least expect, she will be out of your mind.

[dumbass2]

I assume she still has your number so she can contact you in a direct way if she is interested. I would also assume you didn't accept her brother on Snapchat?

[tim007]

Yeah it's just that maybe she's scared to reach out directly because as far as she know I'm off dating someone else. She literally had to have a conversation with her brother to look up my number and add me on there.

 

Even so I agree with you, I'm not going to take any bait and won't initiate contact with her. Only if she directly says something to me would I think about talking with her

 

And actually I did add him back... maybe not a great move in hindsight, but I don't plan on interacting with him at all on there. Won't look at his stories or snap him at all and I rarely post a story on there myself anyways.

[tim007]

And yes she has my number to directly contact me. She did once on my birthday a few weeks ago and then once to see if I wanted my shirt back.

[dumbass2]

And yes she has my number to directly contact me. She did once on my birthday a few weeks ago and then once to see if I wanted my shirt back.

 

Okay, so she's not scared to directly contact you, so did she at least give any hint of wanting to get back?

[tim007]

No hint at all. Last contact was nearly a month ago. She asked if I wanted my shirt back

[Marc878]

90 days is not a relationship. More like casually dating. It didn't work out.

 

Stop grasping at straws. At 25 you should be dating different girls don't lose your heart to the first one that comes along.

[Marc878]

For future references if a girl dumps you walk away. Don't hang around.

 

If there was a second chance it would have to be her directly looking you up.

 

Breadcrumbs don't count.

 

You can't make anyone do anything.

 

Don't project your feelings onto someone. It's obvious in this case she does not feel the same about you.

 

When you first start dating it's a bit awkward but that's how you learn