Gf's affair with married man

[DanTheCelt]

So here's a brief run down

Me (M40) my girlfriend 35 and live in California. We've dated a year and a half. Things have been great except the below:

 

When we first started dating I was aware she was dating another guy. I thought he got shelved when we became exclusive after three months. However a friend and (several friends) have confirmed since that she is still meeting up with this guy. It was brief visits during the day not at his house. I wasn't too concerned because she sidelined him for me. I asked her about this - she denied. I dug deeper and it seemed to me that this wasn't anything more than meets ups and her maintaining a back up. This guy is married and I supposed seperated for the period when my g/f was dating him.

 

Now I've confimation that they had an affair. And if thats the case...it could be ongoing. The guy never seperated.

 

I'm trying to keep a level head here guys trying not to let my emotions cloud me. I need to understand her mindset. Didn't think she was capable of an affair. Also she's lied to me about meeting up with this guy.

 

And here's the kicker...

 

She pushing hard to get married. Anyone every seen anything like this? Is she even capable of honoring wedding vows?

 

Any advice/help appreciated. I have no evidence that the affair is on going. Also I love (loved?) this girl so kicking her to deadzone will be tough AF I also appreciate that your all going to say ditch her. Really I need sometime away from her to get centered. Shall I just say I'm ill???

 

Thanks for your responses. I feel a little sick. Gonna go grab a coffee and pound my punch bag!

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OP request ~T

[Imajerk17]

So here's a brief run down

Me (M40) my girlfriend 35 and live in California. We've dated a year and a half. Things have been great except the below:

 

That is quite a huge "except", there, Dan...

 

You shouldn't be thinking of marrying your girlfriend, instead you should break up w her instead. She is cheating on you, with a married man.

 

The affair is ongoing, Dan. She is still meeting up w him behind yours and everyone's back. What do you think they do? Even if "nothing" is happening (yeah, right!), she is, at the very least, putting another relationship before yours by going behind your back. (And what was meant by "maintaining a backup" as you said in your second paragraph?)

 

I'm just shocked that this isn't a dealbreaker for you. Wake up bro!

 

What a selfish crazy woman you have as a girlfriend. A girlfriend who is cheating on you I might add. Run!

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DanTheCelt]

Thanks Imajerk17

 

Yes quite a big except huh?

 

I know logically what I should do- I would advise anyone to do. Perhaps I just need to let your post soak in awhile.

 

I'm just needing to somehow hate - or not feel anything. Right now it's anger, dissappointment and loss. Any advice on how to avoid her for couple of days? Till I can get my **** together?

[elaine567]

I. NEVER get involved with people who are still involved with an ex. It may be a bit of an ego boost when she "chooses" you and sidelines the other guy, but the dynamics are often a lot more complicated than that.

The "rebound" is often the one to get seriously hurt.

 

2. Go spend some time on the "Other woman" part of this forum to get a feel for how these women think. You will find that having an affair is highly addictive and that the OW is often obsessed by the MM, no matter how badly he treats her, no matter how badly she knows he treats her either and that letting him go is very, very difficult for many OWs.

Few can maintain a real friendship with their MM, it usually quickly falls back into the affair. The fact this guy is still hanging around your gf, is not good news for you. It is like letting a drug dealer hang around with a recovering addict.

However I do not want to paint your gf as the victim either, she is knowingly "hanging out" with her married "ex lover" and lying to you about it too. Does his wife know that they are still seeing each other? I guess not.

You could be right, it may indeed be ongoing.

 

3. This desperation to get married may have nothing to do with you. Many affairs end because the MM will not leave his wife. She may be only trying to get back at him by marrying you. Her clock is no doubt ticking and you are handily available.

 

Be careful, protect your heart.

I don't think this girl is totally on board with you and that is a terrible basis for a marriage. Time to look for a better candidate.

Sorry...

[inigele14u]

Bro.... You have had multiple cues to get out of this relationship. What makes you think a woman who was cheating on you from the start would be faithful? A woman who is helping a married man be unfaithful, is going to be faithful to you? A woman who lied to you about seeing that man? I mean come on dude... How much does it take? Do you not love yourself????? Are you insecure????? You don't deserve this, you deserve better. She's popping her cherry open every week, I guarantee you. Then you're actually considering (lol, lol, lol!) marrying her? xD It almost sounds like you're trolling.

[DanTheCelt]

Thanks inigele14u

 

I take all your points mate. The only thing is I'm not ready to marry anyone just yet. She's constantly bringing it up. And babies.

 

I have given the abridged version here. Some more detail below:

 

The way all these things were unfolded was like peeling an onion if you see what I mean. First we were dating (not exclusive). We're both seeing others.

 

Then we became exclusive. Few months later I found out who the guy she was seeing was. Didn't seem to be much of a secret where she worked (both changed jobs now). I thought the guy was seperated and subsequently got back together with his wife.

 

Few months later I find out they're still friends. She lied about this the first time I brought it up (which is a problem) but they weren't meeting up in a way that made it seem like she was cheating. Every six weeks or so, not in the evening. She's constantly wants my attention etc. I rationlized that he was now back with his wife after a split - saw pics FB.

 

The second time it was brought to my attention she agreeded that she needed to respect the relationship (1month ago). After are talk she seemed to get the message, and 'said' all the right things. I decided to believe her.

 

I now come to learn this morning that the Guy and his wife never seperated and it was an affair. Putting a different spin on the above. Now I'm here thinking W T F. I know this is done.

Edited April 23, 2017 by DanTheCelt

[doyathinkso]

Run Forrest ... er, uh Dan .... RUN!!!

[Marc878]

Thanks inigele14u

 

I take all your points mate. The only thing is I'm not ready to marry anyone just yet. She's constantly bringing it up. And babies.

 

I have given the abridged version here. Some more detail below:

 

The way all these things were unfolded was like peeling an onion if you see what I mean. First we were dating (not exclusive). We're both seeing others.

 

Then we became exclusive. Few months later I found out who the guy she was seeing was. Didn't seem to be much of a secret where she worked (both changed jobs now). I thought the guy was seperated and subsequently got back together with his wife.

 

Few months later I find out they're still friends. She lied about this the first time I brought it up (which is a problem) but they weren't meeting up in a way that made it seem like she was cheating. Every six weeks or so, not in the evening. She's constantly wants my attention etc. I rationlized that he was now back with his wife after a split - saw pics FB.

 

The second time it was brought to my attention she agreeded that she needed to respect the relationship (1month ago). After are talk she seemed to get the message, and 'said' all the right things. I decided to believe her.

 

I now come to learn this morning that the Guy and his wife never seperated and it was an affair. Putting a different spin on the above. Now I'm here thinking W T F. I know this is done.

 

They aren't meeting up to talk about the weather sport. He's married and having your gf as a side piece. She's a cake eater and willingly playing you for a fool.

 

As you've found cheaters lie a lot. If you're smart you couldn't get away from this fast enough. Like most you wanted to believe "we're just friends".

 

That is the biggest lie told.

 

You've got all the proof you need. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it's not a zebra.

 

I wouldn't bother with confrontation I'd just ghost her. It's not worth the time effort or drama.

[Marc878]

Thanks inigele14u

 

I take all your points mate. The only thing is I'm not ready to marry anyone just yet. She's constantly bringing it up. And babies.

 

I have given the abridged version here. Some more detail below:

 

The way all these things were unfolded was like peeling an onion if you see what I mean. First we were dating (not exclusive). We're both seeing others.

 

Then we became exclusive. Few months later I found out who the guy she was seeing was. Didn't seem to be much of a secret where she worked (both changed jobs now). I thought the guy was seperated and subsequently got back together with his wife.

 

Few months later I find out they're still friends. She lied about this the first time I brought it up (which is a problem) but they weren't meeting up in a way that made it seem like she was cheating. Every six weeks or so, not in the evening. She's constantly wants my attention etc. I rationlized that he was now back with his wife after a split - saw pics FB.

 

Only takes 10 minutes for a quickie. Car, restroom, etc. Cheaters are very ingenious at finding a way.

The second time it was brought to my attention she agreeded that she needed to respect the relationship (1month ago). After are talk she seemed to get the message, and 'said' all the right things. I decided to believe her.

 

better get out of your denial. All betrayed want so bad to believe because the truth is too hard to take. I hope you've woken up to what/who she is.

 

I now come to learn this morning that the Guy and his wife never seperated and it was an affair. Putting a different spin on the above. Now I'm here thinking W T F. I know this is done.

 

Pretty typical affair. And she isn't a special snowflake.

[noelle303]

It seems like you're focusing on the wrong things here - it's not the fact that she was an OW that should bother you, it's the fact that she quite possibly still is.

 

I was an OW 7 years ago, I also cheated on a number of previous boyfriends -

all of which my current boyfriend knows. He also knows that I grew up a lot since then and I wouldn't dream of doing it again or doing it to anyone else.

 

You yourself say that you think she's meeting up with him to maintain a backup plan. You know she lied to you more than once. This is not a healthy or honest relationship and it doesn't seem like there can be any trust. I understand that you have feelings for her, but try and imagine what kind of a future you could have with her and whether it would be good for you.

[smackie9]

If she was a person of integrity should would have come clean, went NC with this guy, when she started dating you, but she didn't....she is a selfish person.

 

If she did this say 5 years ago, and was ashamed to mention it then I would say she should get a pass. You have only known her for a year....things are still fresh....get out now.

[DanTheCelt]

Thanks for everyones insights and advice and essentially telling me like it is. I made a few mistakes which I'll need to learn from. But bottom line shes lost me now forever.

 

Took a long drive today. Was good to just zone out a little. It sank in that's its over but I'm going to leave with my integrity. I kept thinking of a quote from Gladiator: "We cant choose our fate, but we can choose how we meet that fate". I'm going end this in a mature way, like a grown up despite some of the base thoughts that are popping into my head. Not sure of how I'm going to go about it but I'm gonna rest on it tonight.

 

Thinking about telling his wife (dont know her personally) if I go that route but it might be coming from a desire for revenge. IDK whats the right thing here.

 

Visited my Sister's family. Did me a world of good just playing with them all in the Sun. I know I'll be OK in the long run.

 

Run Forrest ... er, uh Dan .... RUN!!!

 

Thanks for cheering me up with this one /\

[smackie9]

I know the first reaction is to run and tell the other party BUT TBH, it's none of your business because it doesn't involve you directly. We have had many threads on this topic alone. Hearing it from a total stranger, the spouse will usually dismiss it unless you have actual poof to backup your story....even then they will be in denial.

[lolablue17]

I think a single woman having an affair with a married man, doesn't automatically make her a "cheating material woman".

 

Also, solely, her not telling you details about the nature of her past affair, can be forgiven because maybe she was ashamed of it. It's her past private life.

 

Anyway, hiding from you the fact that she continued to meet him, and lying to you about it, is a HUGE problem by itself. In addition, there is the bigger problem which I think is a deal breaker.

 

People who are having an affair, are busy with hiding and lying all the time and it becomes a major issue in the relationship. After she supposedly ended it with him, and became exclusive with you, she dragged the hiding and lying style to her relationship with you. In this context the fact that she had a secret affair with a married man, becomes important and meaningful. It's considered cheating even if they stopped having sex (Which you will never know, she will rather die and not telling you if she continued the affair).

 

I think you made the right decision to end it. Remember - The fact that you love her only support that. Because after you marry her, and invest more time, the future pain might be a lot bigger.

Edited April 23, 2017 by lolablue17

[Space Ritual]

Shall I just say I'm ill???

 

No

I think you should be honest with her. Be honest with her that a long term relationship is an audition for a lifetime together and that you know about her dalliances and that it is making you question the relationship.

 

Look, I was one of those guys who thought that I was about to marry the girl of my dreams. One not only I thought I knew well, but her and I were neighbors growing up.

 

Little did I know that my engagement went up in smoke when I walked in on her banging my best friend in my bed 3 weeks before our wedding. Needless to say that went tits up but years later I discovered that not only had it been going on behind my back pretty much the entire relationship, many of my so called friends covered for her and had a roll in the hay with her as well.

 

You don't tell her how you know, you just tell her you know. And then be aware of every single action she takes going forward.

 

You do not have to make up your mind right now. But I caution you that someone who is brazen enough to have an affair with a married person is a person that will have to do a lot of hard work on themselves to prove that they are a safe person to be around .And that hard work does not take a few weeks, it is a lifelong evolving process. More often than not, those same people simply cannot find the intestinal fortitude to do that work without any guarantee of reward, as it is a monumental task.

 

So think long and hard if you want to expose yourself to a future of second guessing yourself and her willingness and competency to be a wife. You must decide if the risk is worth the reward, and what happens if indeed you do marry to only find out that this affair was just the tip of the iceberg

[Space Ritual]

Thinking about telling his wife (dont know her personally) if I go that route but it might be coming from a desire for revenge. IDK whats the right thing here.

 

 

You do it because it's the right thing to do.

 

Doesn't that poor woman deserve to know the truth and what kind of person

she is married to?

 

For all you know it isn't his first rodeo an she is remaining married based on a lie.

 

If it was you would you not want to know so you could make your own decisions about the course of your life?

 

I'd have given my left nut for that chance instead of being made a complete fool out of by the very people I loved and trusted. That is a type of betrayal you never fully recover from and it's going on 30 years now for me.

[Marc878]

As far as the other mans wife. If you were in her shoes wouldn't you want to know. IMO you are involved enough to expose this. Her world is destroyed she just doesn't know it.

 

I neve see it as a good idea to help hide the affair. It just makes you a coconspirator and enables it further.

 

Do not tell your GF. Just do it and let them figure it out. She'll warn her OM and they'll conspire against you and the wife. It's called consequences.

[lolablue17]

someone who is brazen enough to have an affair with a married person is a person that will have to do a lot of hard work on themselves to prove that they are a safe person to be around

 

You minimize her actions. She not only had an affair with a married man. She hid the nature of this from OP, and continued secretly meeting this married man behind the OP's back. And when he confronted her she didn't come clean, but lied to him in the face.

 

OP, did you confront her again about her meet ups with him? Or is she still lying to you about it today?

[Space Ritual]

You minimize her actions

 

What the hell are you talking about? You know my history. How can you even accuse me of ever minimizing ANY cheaters actions? I lost 4 years of my life behind bars because I didn't minimize the actions of a cheater, let alone my own actions for stomping out 2 people I loved.

 

So before you go accusing me of all people in this sub forum after being here 8 years of ever minimizing a cheater's actions I suggest you take a reading comprehension class or get a new pair of glasses.

 

Come on man, you know better.

[lolablue17]

What the hell are you talking about? You know my history. How can you even accuse me of ever minimizing ANY cheaters actions? I lost 4 years of my life behind bars because I didn't minimize the actions of a cheater, let alone my own actions for stomping out 2 people I loved.

 

So before you go accusing me of all people in this sub forum after being here 8 years of ever minimizing a cheater's actions I suggest you take a reading comprehension class or get a new pair of glasses.

 

Come on man, you know better.

 

I so sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Not at all. And I know your story, so I didn't suspect you to being supportive with any lying\cheating.

 

I just wanted the OP to remember her wrong actions while she's been with him, not only in her past. And you didn't mention it, so i made a remark about you minimizing.

 

Sorry again! :sick:

[Space Ritual]

It's quite alright, Lola. I know full well how these threads sometimes are triggery. Admittedly this weekend there has been more than one thread that has been so for me.

 

Sometimes even for us veterans, seeing people come here continually having the scourge of inifidelity happen to them . I so wish sometimes I could reach through the screen and shake the new arrivals when I see them travellin g down a similar path. you know what I mean?

 

No offense taken:)

[Try]

Thinking about telling his wife (dont know her personally) if I go that route but it might be coming from a desire for revenge. IDK whats the right thing here.

Revenge has little to do with it. You tell his wife because it is the right thing to do, and because she has the right to know before making additional life plans with her cheating husband. By telling her now before she gets older, she still has a chance to find someone else to share her life with that will not cheat. Also, any children that she brings into their toxic marriage without you telling her, would weigh on you later because you are a decent person. Tell her today without telling your girlfriend, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Amazingly, you will soon see that like most cheaters, she will probably try to blame you for ruining their marriage by telling the wife the truth, as if as long as they were not caught, her cheating with the wife's husband had nothing to do with it. Do not buy into this line of thinking for even one second. When she does this, you will know for sure that she thinks like a self center cheater, and that you did the right thing by ending it with her. I am sorry that you are here, but glad that you found out about who she is before marrying her and having children with her.

[aliveagain]

If she can't tell you about seeing him then she's cheating. If he and she are meeting in secret without your approval then the affair is still going on. Anyone that will date another man's wife or another woman's husband is high risk marriage material. They don't honour boundaries. Tell the other man's wife, she deserves the truth to make her own decisions about her future. Her health is at risk, so is yours, get tested and recommend testing to his wife. I learned about my ex's 2 year affair from a third party, saved my life and I will be forever grateful to them for it. You deserve a lot better then the insecurity she will bring into your life.

[Superchicken]

She is a "Currently Active" cheater, so NO relationship should be formed (Beam me up Scotty)

One point that bugs me, is her pushing for marriage and babies.

Start to wear condoms, as I reckon she's got a bun in the oven, and she just found out.

 

 

As far as breaking up, do it if your feeling anything for her.

But, if you want a "Friends with Benefits" situation, then stay without any commitments.

 

 

Superchicken Ted.

[sandylee1]

Good decision to end it.

 

I wouldn't consider an OW to be marriage material, unless she's had years of self reflection and has developed respect and understanding of the principles of marriage.

 

To participate in causing hurt to someone else, whether the BW is aware or not and to potentially be part of hurting innocent children, isn't a quality I'd want in a wife (if I were a man). She's lacking morals and values, so I'd also wonder what her upbringing was like.

 

If it's just a case of NSA sex, that's a different story, but bearing STDs in mind.