Emotional affair?

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Food for thought. I guess that text hit me so hard, I didn't even think of it like that. Makes sense.

[somanymistakes]

Reading between the lines here. He may already be having a physical affair.

 

What man is going to talk about leaving his wife for a new partner, without already having sex with that partner first?

 

One where the AP is holding out and refuses to have sex until after he leaves his wife. It does happen, but there's no evidence of that in this case.

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

I've read the same text 50 times. The text between my husband and his gal pal. It still looks the same to me. I've really tried to figure out if I could possibly be interpreting it wrong. The text looks to me like my husband wants to ditch me for his gal pal. It wasn't a long text, but it said enough to do some serious damage.

My husband said it was nothing like that. That he loves me and they're just friends. I feel like he's not being completely truthful and the bad feeling in my guy remains.

I'm wondering, what can I do to get the whole truth? My gut feeling tells me something is wrong. Just asking him isn't doing the trick.

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[elaine567]

He is gaslighting you.

YOU know exactly what he meant in the text, but he is attempting to make you doubt your own judgement, to cover his own backside.

Edited April 25, 2017 by elaine567
Removed quote

[Spring23]

I've read the same text 50 times. The text between my husband and his gal pal. It still looks the same to me. I've really tried to figure out if I could possibly be interpreting it wrong. The text looks to me like my husband wants to ditch me for his gal pal. It wasn't a long text, but it said enough to do some serious damage.

My husband said it was nothing like that. That he loves me and they're just friends. I feel like he's not being completely truthful and the bad feeling in my guy remains.

I'm wondering, what can I do to get the whole truth? My gut feeling tells me something is wrong. Just asking him isn't doing the trick.

 

He's lying.

[preraph]

He is gaslighting both of you. Because he's got a new hobby, and that hobby is collecting women and seeing if he can have them all at the same time while lying to them about it.

[whichwayisup]

I've read the same text 50 times. The text between my husband and his gal pal. It still looks the same to me. I've really tried to figure out if I could possibly be interpreting it wrong. The text looks to me like my husband wants to ditch me for his gal pal. It wasn't a long text, but it said enough to do some serious damage.

My husband said it was nothing like that. That he loves me and they're just friends. I feel like he's not being completely truthful and the bad feeling in my guy remains.

I'm wondering, what can I do to get the whole truth? My gut feeling tells me something is wrong. Just asking him isn't doing the trick.

 

He is having his cake and eating it too and that's got to stop! You asked him to stop texting her and he hasn't!

 

Go with your gut, something feels off chances are it is. He is investing in her emotionally and bonding with her. It may not be a full-on affair but they DO have feelings of attachment for one another and that's very damaging to your marriage.

 

He has a choice to make, either end it with her completely or keep on being friends with her and he loses you (aka divorce).

 

Men who choose their women friends (especially ones they have feelings for) over their wives don't deserve to be married! Put your foot down!!!

[Zahara]

He sends her flirty texts and i love you texts alot, but I'm not getting texts like this. He gets her something nice for her birthday, but i get nothing.

 

This from your past thread.

 

You are in some serious denial.

[Confused48]

It sounds to me like the gal pal doesn't want him the way he wants her. She likes his attention but doesn't want more than whatever she is getting from him right now.

 

Which may mean you are right that your H isn't getting sex from her. Lots of women get guys to fawn over them for years without giving sex to them. Do you like having a husband that fawns over another woman, that is a plaything for another woman?

 

One thing for sure, your H wants her, more than he wants you. He's just not going to say that to you unless and until this gal pal lets him have what he wants with her. You are his back up plan in case the gal pal never comes through for him. Or someone else better (in his mind) than you comes along.

 

I'm sure he is open to someone else as well. He sees you are willing to be his plan B indefinitely so why not stick with you while he fishes for another fish in the sea.

[Space Ritual]

I'm wondering, what can I do to get the whole truth? My gut feeling tells me something is wrong. Just asking him isn't doing the trick.

 

Give him about 30 seconds to make up his mind what is more important to him...his marriage or his friendship.

 

In order to save a marriage that may be on the rocks you must always be willing to lose it.

 

Your husband has serious boundary problems. And boundary problems are not something that marriage counseling will necessarily be able to address. Marriage counselors are a dime a dozen, an like any other profession, the goal is to get paid. Boundary issues stem from a person being broken and unsafe to be a partner to. It takes a lot of work to correct it especially if there is no guarantee of a reward. Most people cannot or will not do such work for that reason alone.

 

Look, you have been married a fairly short time. Well within the timeframe of a continuing honeymoon. You husband should still be getting giddy when you bat your eyes at him and hard as a rock when you shake your tailfeathers in his face.

 

I am afraid in your case, the mllquetoast reaction he has given you may require to explore a nuclear option to get him off the fence. That means you need to show him clear and important consequences for his actions. He has no motivation to stop what he is doing if he is convinced you will cave

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

I really appreciate all the replies. I'm just trying to handle this problem the right way, and all ur replies do help. This all started over a birthday card. Seems to me if nothing was wrong, both of them would've offered to show me the card. But neither bothered to offer that option.

[Space Ritual]

Seems to me if nothing was wrong, both of them would've offered to show me the card. But neither bothered to offer that option.

 

You have your answer right there, young lady. If either of them were so set on proving you wrong one of the would have said "See! Here's the Birthday card".

 

It's always the small things that people overlook when they are engaged in suspicious behavior that usually get them busted cold. i do not think this is any exception.

[BluesPower]

They are sleeping together without a doubt.

 

You are together 99% of the time. I guess you both work from home. And you know every day that he takes off and he never ever works late, and you both always have lunch together.

 

If that is the case, then maybe not, otherwise they are sleeping together.

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Yeah, actually we're able to make our own schedules, so thats why we're together most of the time. We're homebodies and when we do go out, it's with each other. I see what you meant though.

[Try]

Then I see a text where she tells him if he ends his relationship, she doesn't want to be part of it and she's not ready for anything. To which he replies, he didn't mean to sound like he was rushing things and wanted her to know how he felt about her.

Wow, if she had told him that she was ready to be in a relationship with him "if he ends his relationship" with you, he would have told you not to let the door hit you on your butt on the way out. Him letting her know "how he felt about her", was him letting you and her know that you are not his main priority in life. This fact alone would be a deal breaker for me.

[Lauradlou]

Your situation is frustrating to read and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I completely understand why you would feel upset, disrespected and uncomfortable. It is not okay for him to act that way towards another woman. Was he like this before you married him? Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor? I think he needs to understand how is words and actions are making you feel and sometimes I think the best option is a third party that is neutral to the situation. They can offer suggestions and tips to help you guys out. Best of luck to you. I will be praying for you!

[Spring23]

You have your answer right there, young lady. If either of them were so set on proving you wrong one of the would have said "See! Here's the Birthday card".

 

It's always the small things that people overlook when they are engaged in suspicious behavior that usually get them busted cold. i do not think this is any exception.

 

This is exactly why men and women can't be friends. Sure, you can be an acquaintance and chat with the opposite sex with others in the room. Once a man and a woman who have even a small bit of attraction towards each other spend some "alone time" nature happens.

 

We are built to procreate with the opposite sex. Your body picks up on things much quicker than your mind. Listen to your body, it's very intelligent.

 

And NEVER overlook the small things.

[somanymistakes]

This is exactly why men and women can't be friends. Sure, you can be an acquaintance and chat with the opposite sex with others in the room. Once a man and a woman who have even a small bit of attraction towards each other spend some "alone time" nature happens.

 

Completely ridiculous and untrue. I'm far from a perfect person, and yet I am more than capable of talking to attractive men alone without my clothes falling off.

 

We are built to procreate with the opposite sex.

 

... non-heterosexual people exist.

[Spring23]

Completely ridiculous and untrue. I'm far from a perfect person, and yet I am more than capable of talking to attractive men alone without my clothes falling off.

 

 

 

... non-heterosexual people exist.

 

A lot of ppl feel the way you do. I don't.

 

I have no idea how it works in the gay or bisexual world so I cannot comment on that population.

[Overtaxed]

This is exactly why men and women can't be friends. Sure, you can be an acquaintance and chat with the opposite sex with others in the room. Once a man and a woman who have even a small bit of attraction towards each other spend some "alone time" nature happens.

 

We are built to procreate with the opposite sex. Your body picks up on things much quicker than your mind. Listen to your body, it's very intelligent.

 

And NEVER overlook the small things.

 

Couldn't agree more. I'd just add "If there's any element of sexual chemistry" to your statement; if there's no sexual chemistry, then, perhaps..

 

If you're a 20 year old woman, you can be friends with a 60 year old man. Just like a 20 year old man can be friends with a 60 year old woman.

 

Listen people, there are literally BILLIONS of people on this earth that are your sex. A lot of them will make great friends. There's simply no valid reason to pursue a friendship with someone who's the opposite sex when there's any sexual chemistry there, unless, of course, you really do want to potentially establish a sexual relationship. There are plenty of people out there where that situation does not exist, why make your life more difficult than it needs to be?

 

Look at it this way, how many of the stories here are workplace affairs. These men/women aren't even our friends, there's an implied "don't develop an emotional bond" in the workplace. But just the access, the fact that these people are "there" in your life leads a TON of people down the rails of an affair. Sure, a ton of people work with other sex people and don't cheat. But if you work in a single sex workplace, you're 100% NOT going to have an A with a coworker. That takes a ton of the potential out of the equation, and A's are all about convenience and potential.

 

Do you miss some good friendships? Perhaps. But there are plenty of good friendships out there for me with men that don't have the potential to blow up my marriage. Why play with fire when you don't have to?

[somanymistakes]

Listen people, there are literally BILLIONS of people on this earth that are your sex. A lot of them will make great friends.

 

And then you can end up sleeping with THEM instead! But it's okay because husbands are more likely to forgive same-sex cheating?

 

Take a look at what goes on in same-sex schools (or prisons) for some idea of what happens if sexually frustrated people have only the same sex to hang out with, even if they aren't normally attracted that direction.

 

The issue isn't who you make friends with, it's what sort of person you are, whether you're constantly looking for sex and attention, how you handle your attractions and boundaries.

[Overtaxed]

And then you can end up sleeping with THEM instead! But it's okay because husbands are more likely to forgive same-sex cheating?

 

Take a look at what goes on in same-sex schools (or prisons) for some idea of what happens if sexually frustrated people have only the same sex to hang out with, even if they aren't normally attracted that direction.

 

The issue isn't who you make friends with, it's what sort of person you are, whether you're constantly looking for sex and attention, how you handle your attractions and boundaries.

 

While this is true to a certain extent, you have to also acknowledge that what I'm saying is true. Affairs are, in most cases, about convenience. People who travel a lot for work, have a lot of affairs. Men and women who are very attractive have a lot of affairs. Rich/powerful men have a lot of affairs. All of these are because "it's easy" for these people to have affairs. If you have to jump through a million hoops, and even then, have a lot of trouble having an A, it's not going to be worth it for a lot of people and they won't go to the effort. If it lands on their doorstep, sadly, a lot of people will go down that route.

 

Keeping the opposite sex at arms length is just common sense, there's no reason to pursue those kind of friendships unless you want to develop something more.

[Birdies]

Wow, if she had told him that she was ready to be in a relationship with him "if he ends his relationship" with you, he would have told you not to let the door hit you on your butt on the way out. Him letting her know "how he felt about her", was him letting you and her know that you are not his main priority in life. This fact alone would be a deal breaker for me.

 

^^^^^This! Your husband told another woman that he would leave you for her. Because she didn't quite want to, he's still with you.

 

That alone tells you this marriage is not the one for you. You deserve someone who is with you because of YOU, not because his first choice isn't ready - yet. So not only is he willing to leave you, but he still may at any point when she says the word.

 

You should dump his sorry ass.

[Spring23]

While this is true to a certain extent, you have to also acknowledge that what I'm saying is true. Affairs are, in most cases, about convenience. People who travel a lot for work, have a lot of affairs. Men and women who are very attractive have a lot of affairs. Rich/powerful men have a lot of affairs. All of these are because "it's easy" for these people to have affairs. If you have to jump through a million hoops, and even then, have a lot of trouble having an A, it's not going to be worth it for a lot of people and they won't go to the effort. If it lands on their doorstep, sadly, a lot of people will go down that route.

 

Keeping the opposite sex at arms length is just common sense, there's no reason to pursue those kind of friendships unless you want to develop something more.

 

Very good post.

 

I'm a heterosexual female and no matter how lonely I was I never wanted to have sex with my female friends. I've never been to prison either and my guess is most people don't end up in prison. So, that's sort of nonsense as a point.

 

OP in the future you and your mate should set some rules. No opposite sex friends period.