Not sure if I want my ex back or not

[tari1217]

Hello everyone,

 

my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and while I am still very much in love with him, I am not sure whether I should hope for us to get back together or if moving on is the better choice for me. I would really appreciate if you could give your thoughts and some advice on my situation. Sorry, for the length of it, but even only typing it all out is a big help to me.

 

To give you a little bit more background information: I had been thinking about a break up myself before my ex broke up with me, because I often felt neglected by him and got hurt because I was obviously the one who loved more in the relationship.

Before we started dating, we had been very close, if not best friends for almost 1 year already, and throughout all of that time I always felt more than friendship for my ex. I helped him through various hard times and was always there for him, and he used to let me know that he appreciated my friendship very much.

We eventually started a relationship after he got dumped by another girl he had been seeing for a month, which nowadays makes me think he might have used me as a rebound for her (though I am not sure about this, because he did value me a lot as a friend and surely wouldn't just easily have risked our friendship).

 

After we started dating, there were lots of big changes going on in his life, and again, I supported him through all of it and always focused all of my energy on him. But the changes in his life also changed him, and he started to lose all interest in me and my life. He only rarely asked me to meet and when I pointed it out to him, saying that I felt hurt by how he is okay with not seeing me at all, while for me even going one day without seeing him is not easy, he just snapped at me and turned the whole thing around. He basically said that, during the time we didn't see each other, he had been thankful for me not pushing him to meet me. He was grateful for me understanding that he was busy, so hearing me say it had actually bothered me just disappointed him.

I eventually apologized (which I realize now was wrong, since my feelings were hurt and he just didn't care at all) and things got a bit better after that, with me staying over at his place more often again. This only lasted until a week later, when he started to disappear again. This time I also withdrew, disappointed by how he did not care about me, and after almost 5 days of not contacting each other, he messaged asking to meet me.

We broke up that day, and although I had been thinking about it before, it was really the last thing I wanted to do. But because I knew he could never give me the love I need, I eventually agreed to the break up, and to going back to being friends.

 

I actually thought I would be okay with being only friends, because he had disappointed me so many times already. He had for example basically cheated on me, although the situation was complicated and we could have worked it out. However, I feel like there was no effort whatsoever from his side to salvage the relationship. He seemed very determined to break up with me, but to save our friendship. I even asked him how he could break up so easily, but he snapped at me again and said "do you think this is easy for me?!" (which I still think it was). And because I knew that even if I asked him for a second chance, it would not have been what he wanted, I also decided for myself that a break up was the only option.

 

After that day, we messaged each other for two more days, just like in the old days when we were friends, even joking about the break up and how we had failed as a couple. I was actually happy with the situation, feeling free and hopeful that one day a better guy would come into my life, until the contact died down and only a few days later I found out that my ex was already dating someone else. Even worse, the woman he is dating now is someone I had met before and she is the exact opposite of me.

It was then, that I realized that I was definitely not over him and that the "better guy" I had been hoping for was actually just my ex as a more mature and loving man. I still cannot imagine that I could ever love someone as much as him, and I know this is such a typical thing to say, but he was not only my best friend, but also my first boyfriend, although I am in my late twenties. I have never felt attracted to anyone as much before and I am afraid that I will also never feel like this for anyone again.

 

Seeing him doing all the things that we did when we were friends with his new girlfriend is killing me. But more than that, it hurts me that when we broke up, he insisted on saving our friendship but now that he is seeing someone else, it's like he is perfectly fine without me. We haven't had any contact in almost one month and although I think it is for the better right now, it just makes me feel like all his talk about how he values our friendship was just a big fat lie.

 

I really don't know what to think or feel. Rationally I know that I deserve someone much more loving and caring than him, that I deserve to receive the love that I give out, but all our memories together still give me hope that one day he might change and we could give a relationship another shot. I gave him so much and I don't want to believe that it was all just nothing to him. One part of me wants him to regret that he broke up with me, the other part of me thinks that is petty and just wants to meet another, better guy, but yet another part of me believes that a guy like that doesn't exist.

 

I am just very confused and hurt right now. And even though I want to believe that his new relationship is only a rebound, I actually don't think so, since he first met her when we were still together. I am also scared that I will never be able to be friends with him again. I just want him in my life, no matter how, but while he apparently has gotten over me very fast, I don't think my feelings for him will ever subside, so even a friendship would just hurt me again in the end.

 

I am sorry if this post is a mess. Hopefully it still made some sense and hopefully some of you can give me some advice on how to go on from here. Thanks in advance!

[d0nnivain]

I didn't read the details. Nobody can tell you what to do about getting back with him. Instead I would encourage you to make a list of pros & cons. Then see what logic tells you.

[springy]

The details in your post indicate (to me) that this guy isn't into you in the romantic sense, as you had to poke and prod him to spend time with you. I think you should step back from the friendship for awhile so you can distance yourself from the situation. Maybe one day you can resume the friendship but for now it seems you are not emotionally ready for it. Sometimes taking a relationship from friends to lovers spells doom for the 'friendship' after it ends. There is almost always one person who is still hanging on to the romantic feels. He has moved on. You should step back for awhile. That's my take.

[stillafool]

He probably does want to go back to being platonic friends but realizes he can't reset that button. There is no way you can be his friend because you still have romantic feelings for him. Being his platonic friend would mean you would be okay hanging around him and his new girl which you are not ready for. That is what friends do. You are fooling yourself thinking you can be his friend at this point.

[tari1217]

Thank you for your replies!

 

I should definitely give the pro/con list a try, to find out what I want for myself.

 

@springy

 

I think that is what is actually so hard for me to believe. When we first started dating, he wanted to show me off to his friends and family and was so proud to be my boyfriend, and from some of our friends I often heard how he would always only talk about me and how happy he was to be with me. It's these small things that I am clinging to now. I can't believe that someone's feelings could just change so suddenly, after all the things we went through together. Though it kind of hurts to think that he might have never been into me romantically, I think you might be right after all. Maybe he acted like that in the beginning, because he mistook his feelings for me as love and then after a while realized that it actually was just friendship for him. Thank you for the clear words. I also hope that time can somehow heal this, it just might still be too early for me to move on.