Uncomfortable Situation.

[OatsAndHall]

I have a co-worker that is going through a divorce and, to be blunt, it's pretty clear why her husband threw in the towel. I have been around her at a few staff parties, she drinks heavily and does some extremely inappropriate things right in front of her husband. She was hitting on me in front of him by running her hands through my hair and you could tell it really set him off..

 

I don't have much of a professional relationship with her (I've avoided her since the holiday party) but she came down to my room and wanted to talk about her divorce as she knows I have been through one. I wasn't comfortable talking about it and I told her I wasn't the best person to ask for advice. She pressed the issue and I told her that I understood that it was a difficult situation but that I just don't feel comfortable talking about all of it. She seemed to understand, we chatted for awhile about other things and she left the room.

 

I have her as a friend on Facebook (I added most of my co-workers awhile ago) and she messaged me this weekend. She was trying to start up idle chit-chat and I cut the conversation short. I am now looking at another message from her, once again trying to start up a chit-chat.

 

So, I'm not quite sure what to do here. She's respecting my boundaries with respect to talking about divorces and is just hitting me up for someone to chat with (I think she's been ostracized). She hasn't been doing or saying anything inappropriate or flirty but I am afraid that I will open up the floor doors by keeping in contact. I work in a small school in a rural area. This means that having much contact with her will be public knowledge in a hurry and I really don't want to get drawn into a mess.

[Knix]

This is tough because its a work situation, but with that said you should change your settings on FB so that she can't message you, but it still looks like you're friends (to avoid the "why did you unfriend me" conversation)

 

 

It's not appropriate for her to use her title at work to have her personal needs met by coworkers. You two have never been close BFFs so for her to suddenly need you to be her ear isn't fair. She needs to reach out to family and friends in her personal life, don't feel guilty about this.

 

 

Good for you for setting boundaries initially, but it sounds like you need to set firmer ones in terms of her seeking advice. Like if the tables were turned how do you think she would react to this if it was YOUR problem? She'd tell you to leave your personal problems at home, like most bosses.

 

 

It sounds like the divorce was also brought on by her so she needs to stop being so selfish and get her crap together.

[OatsAndHall]

This is tough because its a work situation, but with that said you should change your settings on FB so that she can't message you, but it still looks like you're friends (to avoid the "why did you unfriend me" conversation)

 

 

It's not appropriate for her to use her title at work to have her personal needs met by coworkers. You two have never been close BFFs so for her to suddenly need you to be her ear isn't fair. She needs to reach out to family and friends in her personal life, don't feel guilty about this.

 

 

Good for you for setting boundaries initially, but it sounds like you need to set firmer ones in terms of her seeking advice. Like if the tables were turned how do you think she would react to this if it was YOUR problem? She'd tell you to leave your personal problems at home, like most bosses.

 

 

It sounds like the divorce was also brought on by her so she needs to stop being so selfish and get her crap together.

 

I will do that with FB, I didn't know that feature was available. Thank you for that advice. I am new to the school and get the feeling that the rest of the staff is keeping her at arm's length so she's reaching out to me. And, given her behavior and her history (she has been the talk of the town too many times...) I think her own family and friends are dumping hard truths on her that she doesn't like.

[Knix]

If the problem continues I would say go to Human Resources and talk to them about it, she can't go to coworkers and people that are her subordinates for therapy.

 

 

Play around with your facebook settings and you should be able to stop her from messaging you.

[salparadise]

Just do a soft fade. Take plenty of time to reply, and then just acknowledge rather than engaging. Give short answers that don't invite further discussion. She'll soon get the message and move on to someone else.

[preraph]

I agree you should change your FB setting to no messages. She may be trying to flirt with you. If she should mention it just tell her you don't check your FB very often and get tired of having to keep up with it. You definitely don't want to be named in her divorce, and her husband very well may think there's something going on since she was like that with you in front of him. So cover your butt and make it impossible for her to get personal with you.

[green_tea]

Just do a soft fade. Take plenty of time to reply, and then just acknowledge rather than engaging. Give short answers that don't invite further discussion. She'll soon get the message and move on to someone else.

 

Don't even reply. Any reply she will take as a sign to harass you further.

[OatsAndHall]

I agree you should change your FB setting to no messages. She may be trying to flirt with you. If she should mention it just tell her you don't check your FB very often and get tired of having to keep up with it. You definitely don't want to be named in her divorce, and her husband very well may think there's something going on since she was like that with you in front of him. So cover your butt and make it impossible for her to get personal with you.

 

This is what I am trying to avoid; it's a small school in a small town and even little things like her popping into my room turn into gossip. So, I am just going to avoid communication with her, all together.

 

The hard part about this is that there isn't an "HR" department to go to. Our school's policy is to try and sort out grievances with the staff themselves and then go to the superintendent with proof that we couldn't resolve it. And, even if it got to that point, she'd just end up with a slap on the wrist (maybe), the whole situation would be all over the school and town and my neck would be out there further.

 

I did block her from messaging me this afternoon so that's a step.

[rester]

You are under no obligation to respond to personal messages and especially if they come after hours. I am very friendly with many of my coworkers but generally there is no communication after hours. Work stays at work and we keep our personal lives at a healthy distance.

 

Be polite but there's no reason to respond to Facebook messages. Keep your relationship business only.

[JuneL]

You are under no obligation to respond to personal messages and especially if they come after hours. I am very friendly with many of my coworkers but generally there is no communication after hours. Work stays at work and we keep our personal lives at a healthy distance.

 

Be polite but there's no reason to respond to Facebook messages. Keep your relationship business only.

 

I second this!

 

Actually I wouldn't even add current colleagues on fb.

 

Does she also have your email address? Do you think she might contact you using other methods if she is blocked from messaging you on fb? Just stop answering her messages.

[preraph]

This is what I am trying to avoid; it's a small school in a small town and even little things like her popping into my room turn into gossip. So, I am just going to avoid communication with her, all together.

 

The hard part about this is that there isn't an "HR" department to go to. Our school's policy is to try and sort out grievances with the staff themselves and then go to the superintendent with proof that we couldn't resolve it. And, even if it got to that point, she'd just end up with a slap on the wrist (maybe), the whole situation would be all over the school and town and my neck would be out there further.

 

I did block her from messaging me this afternoon so that's a step.

 

Well, you'd think any school would have a resolution process for this crap. Wow.

 

Hopefully blocking her will send her a message. I'm assuming she notices. It is hard when you have someone you have to pass in the halls. I imagine anyone nearby knows some of her shenanigans so hopefully you won't be judged if you give her the cold shoulder. In fact, if some people notice, they're likely to applaud you for it. Good luck.

[OatsAndHall]

Well, you'd think any school would have a resolution process for this crap. Wow.

 

Hopefully blocking her will send her a message. I'm assuming she notices. It is hard when you have someone you have to pass in the halls. I imagine anyone nearby knows some of her shenanigans so hopefully you won't be judged if you give her the cold shoulder. In fact, if some people notice, they're likely to applaud you for it. Good luck.

 

Well, generally speaking, most of the b.s. that goes on between teachers is petty stuff that can be handled without intervention. There's an unwritten rule in education and it's this; the quickest way to get fired is to end up in front of the administration because you're in a p-ssing match with another teacher.

 

I did block her messages on FB and haven't heard anything since. She hasn't darkened my door so I am keeping my fingers crossed. And, yes, everyone is well aware of her behavior and personality. I have one colleague that I talk to about things and I mentioned the situation to him. He said to avoid her like the plague.

[Rouik]

That's a tough spot to be in, I definitely think you should keep the distance. Like you said you don't need rumors stirring up and hurting your job or other things in a small rural area. Good luck and best wishes navigating this situation with compassion but also protecting yourself.

[OatsAndHall]

That's a tough spot to be in, I definitely think you should keep the distance. Like you said you don't need rumors stirring up and hurting your job or other things in a small rural area. Good luck and best wishes navigating this situation with compassion but also protecting yourself.

 

At this point, I'm really not dealing with it with compassion. It has gotten a bit dramatic at the school so I am ducking and covering. There is too much gossip rolling around and I don't need to be any part of it.

 

Her past is biting her in the a-- and I certainly don't want to be a part of a future that starts doing the same thing.

[goodnbad]

And, yes, everyone is well aware of her behavior and personality. I have one colleague that I talk to about things and I mentioned the situation to him. He said to avoid her like the plague.

I'd second that. She sounds unstable, and like someone pointed out, you have no idea if her ex is a nutbar or not. Best to stay far away from that. Unless you really want a relationship with her, don't encourage her with any sort of friendliness. Next thing you know, she'll be crying on your shoulder, and you know where that leads, right?

[OatsAndHall]

I was working in school late the other night as I like being the only one in the building when I need to get some serious work done. I went for a quick walk around the school to stretch my legs and I heard her sobbing in her room... She is NEVER in her room past 4pm and this was 8pm at night. I started walking towards her door to see if she was alright but quietly tip-toed away afterward and hid out in my room. She took the next day off of work..

 

I still kind of feel bad about it but I doubt anything good would have come from me checking in on her...