Boyfriend says I'm not jealous enough?

[Timshel]

Exactly

 

He just doesn't think he's hot enough himself, I think...

 

"She's not sweating it so I must be undesirable"

 

This is a rather large assumption.

 

First, no poster so far has said that Noelle should feign jealousy...good grief. Perhaps a more tactful or caring reply than why didn't ya?

 

Second, my impression is that this is a healthy relationship and all relationships that are healthy do have their misunderstandings...gasp. The question isn't whether or not these two are jealous or insecure. I think this is simply a matter of communication.

 

Bf has expressed that her reaction rubbed him the wrong way, this is about sensitivity to a partner, not a knock down drag out drama that truly insecure people engage in.

[Knix]

He wasn't asking you to worry about the other women around him....he just wanted a small validation that you care about him, that is all. Maybe he is thinking of taking the next step in your relationship, and your comment had him wondering about how you truly feel about him. Just saying this needs to be explored a little more.....communication is key.

 

 

 

You're making quite a lot of assumptions about what he's thinking and feeling...

[salparadise]

We have a great relationship and I care about him a lot. I trust him and simply don't see the point in worrying about other women around him.

 

Good for you... and I'm not saying that with any cynicism. I'd love to have what you have! You've got lots of confidence in him and in yourself, and you're right. There is no point in worrying about it. The thing is though, worrying and jealousy are not exactly the same things.

 

Are you really telling us that you feel nothing –– a flat zero –– when some little hottie is hitting on your boyfriend?

 

These signals come, at least in part, from the amygdala and hypothalamus, parts of the autonomic nervous system. Even if you're socialized to ignore common stimuli, it seems like to me that you'd still feel a tingle or two. No?

[curiouslysearching]

Your bf has got some insecurity issues there.

 

I agree with C about the insecurity issues (you have a PM about this)

[Timshel]

I was simply joking around. I'm somewhat sarcastic and dry in my sense of humour which he knows and usually loves. Like, what would be a caring way to respond to him telling me about this situation?

 

Let me at her, let me at that expletive! JK, Wow you're hot, what do you expect to happen at a party when I'm not there to do it myself? Idk, you know him everything typed will sound hokey because it just comes naturally.

 

Just a note, they are coworkers? I think you should talk to him about this. Maybe he is giving you a heads up and annoyed he has to spell.it.out for you.

[noelle303]

Good for you... and I'm not saying that with any cynicism. I'd love to have what you have! You've got lots of confidence in him and in yourself, and you're right. There is no point in worrying about it. The thing is though, worrying and jealousy are not exactly the same things.

 

Are you really telling us that you feel nothing –– a flat zero –– when some little hottie is hitting on your boyfriend?

 

These signals come, at least in part, from the amygdala and hypothalamus, parts of the autonomic nervous system. Even if you're socialized to ignore common stimuli, it seems like to me that you'd still feel a tingle or two. No?

 

I'm actually sometimes amused by it? LOL

 

This particular girl, I actually feel kinda bad for her. She got drunk and pretty much embarrassed herself in front of the people she works with. So honestly no, I don't feel the slightest bit of ''jelaousy tingles'' at her or the situation.

 

Let me at her, let me at that expletive! JK, Wow you're hot, what do you expect to happen at a party when I'm not there to do it myself? Idk, you know him everything typed will sound hokey because it just comes naturally.

 

Just a note, they are coworkers? I think you should talk to him about this. Maybe he is giving you a heads up and annoyed he has to spell.it.out for you.

 

Yes, they are co-workers. What could he be giving me a heads up about?

 

P.S. I'd also like to point out one thing in terms of what I said - I know it may seem a little mean, but we actually tease and poke fun at each other a lot. It may sound odd, but compliments are just not in each other's usual rapport.

[mikeylo]

You've been dating him for only one year. The real him is showing up. Start looking at his behavior from now.

 

He could be full of drama. Creating issues when there are non. Forcing feelings / emotions out of situations that very well could not even be real. He could be testing you. Some guys don't like self assured women.

 

Since he has changed the course of this relationship, keep your eyes and ears open for more drama.

[Timshel]

I'm actually sometimes amused by it? LOL

 

This particular girl, I actually feel kinda bad for her. She got drunk and pretty much embarrassed herself in front of the people she works with. So honestly no, I don't feel the slightest bit of ''jelaousy tingles'' at her or the situation.

 

 

 

Yes, they are co-workers. What could he be giving me a heads up about?

 

P.S. I'd also like to point out one thing in terms of what I said - I know it may seem a little mean, but we actually tease and poke fun at each other a lot. It may sound odd, but compliments are just not in each other's usual rapport.

 

No, that doesn't sound odd, my SO and I tease the mess out of each other but we also compliment each other as well.

Ok, so it's not a big deal, yet for some reason your otherwise rational bf has his feathers ruffled.

 

What do you think this is about?

[Space Ritual]

He could be full of drama. Creating issues when there are non. Forcing feelings / emotions out of situations that very well could not even be real. He could be testing you. Some guys don't like self assured women.

.

 

You can say that again!

 

 

OP, I would not be surprised if this issue rears it's had again as the summer draws near. It almost sound like your Bf is telling you "Look this chick at work wants to bang me. Are you going to plant your flag on me as your territory or are you not as into me as I thought you were?".

 

Drama will ensue.

[smackie9]

You're making quite a lot of assumptions about what he's thinking and feeling...

Everyone in this thread is making QUITE A LOT of assumptions...BUT that is why I SAID this should be explored further with communication to clear up what HE IS actually feeling.

 

This is why the OP is here....to figure out why he said what he said, and how she should handle it.

[noelle303]

No, that doesn't sound odd, my SO and I tease the mess out of each other but we also compliment each other as well.

Ok, so it's not a big deal, yet for some reason your otherwise rational bf has his feathers ruffled.

 

What do you think this is about?

 

I have absolutely no idea. The only thing that springs to mind is that he could be a little bit insecure in the relationship itself? We always took our relationship really slow due to my circumstances and I'm thinking that he could be a bit unsatisfied with the pace and thinking that maybe I'm not that into him? And that's why my comment may struck him more than it would normally have. Does that make sense?

 

.

 

You can say that again!

 

 

OP, I would not be surprised if this issue rears it's had again as the summer draws near. It almost sound like your Bf is telling you "Look this chick at work wants to bang me. Are you going to plant your flag on me as your territory or are you not as into me as I thought you were?".

 

Drama will ensue.

 

But I already know that other girls want to ''bang'' him. It would be kinda strange that he would suddenly want me to be affected by it after a year.

 

Btw. for context purposes - we (me and my bf) used to work together about 3-4 years ago or so in that same company he works at now. We were FwB for over a year, then I left the company when I got another job, we stopped seeing each other and reconnected about a year ago. Anyway, back when I still worked with him, about 4 girls in our office were into him and three of them still work there.

So we've known each other for a while, I already know he works with women who like him and it was never an issue. He's the least drama-seeking guy I know so I honestly don't think this is it.

[rester]

Today, we were talking, he was telling me stories from their night out and he said that one of his female co-workers was throwing herself at him and how it was awkward because it was literally in front of everybody. I told him ''So what was the hold-up? Were you not drunk enough?'' It was clearly a joke and he laughed at first, but later on he told me how it bothered him.

 

Sounds like your boyfriend can dish it but can't take it. He was telling you the story in order to make you jealous and when it didn't work he got butthurt about it. In my opinion your response was appropriate and hopefully he has learned to not mess around with telling stories with the sole purpose of making you jealous.

 

How do you generally feel about these things? Do you need to see a bit of jelousy in your partner just so you know he/she cares?

 

Like others have said, a little loving jealousy can be nice if the behavior isn't out of line. In your case, your boyfriend took a dig at you and you responded in kind. He's butthurt because you didn't take the bait or respond the way he wanted you to.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would apologize for the joke but let him know you didn't appreciate him throwing the story of the other woman in your face. Admitting that you did feel a tiny bit jealous might help.

[preraph]

Exactly

 

He just doesn't think he's hot enough himself, I think...

 

"She's not sweating it so I must be undesirable"

 

Yeah, or he's just immature and trying to play games and get in a position to yank her chain and manipulate, and she's not insecure enough to fall for it.

[rester]

I have absolutely no idea. The only thing that springs to mind is that he could be a little bit insecure in the relationship itself? We always took our relationship really slow due to my circumstances and I'm thinking that he could be a bit unsatisfied with the pace and thinking that maybe I'm not that into him? And that's why my comment may struck him more than it would normally have. Does that make sense?

 

I think that makes a lot of sense.

 

Yeah, or he's just immature and trying to play games and get in a position to yank her chain and manipulate, and she's not insecure enough to fall for it.

 

^^^ this makes even more sense.

Edited April 23, 2017 by rester

[Timshel]

I have absolutely no idea. The only thing that springs to mind is that he could be a little bit insecure in the relationship itself? We always took our relationship really slow due to my circumstances and I'm thinking that he could be a bit unsatisfied with the pace and thinking that maybe I'm not that into him? And that's why my comment may struck him more than it would normally have. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, it makes sense. You said on another thread that you have been dating for a year but have not introduced him to your daughter. There is nothing inherently wrong with that but it does seem that you may be holding him at arm's length.

 

You seem very practical, like me and sometimes that can come off as very cold. I am not suggesting that this recent incident is your 'fault' only that you are indeed progressing slowly, your prerogative but what is happening in his mind about it?

 

A conversation with him regarding this situation as well as where the two of you are on the trajectory is imminent from this thread Noelle.

[rester]

OP, you wrote this last November about your relationship:

 

If it was up to me, I'd leave it like this forever. However, one day he really wants to get married and have a family. I will never get married or have any more children. We talked about it and he said that it currently doesn't matter and he still wants to be with me for as long as it's working.

 

Nevertheless, my friends warn me that it's a very slippery slope with these things. He might be saying it now, but what if the relationshop continues for years because ''it's working'' and suddenly he starts feeling resentful? What if he simply thinks I'll change my mind in the end?

 

Is there a point in dating if there's an obvious expiration date?

 

That was 5 months ago and may be relevant to your current situation.

[Miss Spider]

This is a rather large assumption.

 

First, no poster so far has said that Noelle should feign jealousy...good grief. Perhaps a more tactful or caring reply than why didn't ya?

 

Second, my impression is that this is a healthy relationship and all relationships that are healthy do have their misunderstandings...gasp. The question isn't whether or not these two are jealous or insecure. I think this is simply a matter of communication.

 

Bf has expressed that her reaction rubbed him the wrong way, this is about sensitivity to a partner, not a knock down drag out drama that truly insecure people engage in.

 

Couldn't disagree more. Thread is titled "boyfriend says I'm not jealous enough" Communication? That directly translates to " I want you to show jealousy" The rest here is assumption. He sounds like a total drama king.

[Timshel]

Couldn't disagree more. Thread is titled "boyfriend says I'm not jealous enough" Communication? That directly translates to " I want you to show jealousy" The rest here is assumption. He sounds like a total drama king.

 

Op only knows Cookiesandough..it's her relationship and we wish her well.

All of us spitball our responses because we don't know any person online to say with any certainty what is true and only have 1/3 of the story.

We're just guessing and hoping that it helps.

[Miss Spider]

That's true! We're all just giving our best guesses. And of course for the best for OP

[Southern Sun]

My opinion - your comment to him comes across a bit condescending, as if you are unimpressed with your man.

 

I can't tell if you took his telling you about the situation as if he was TRYING to make you jealous, and your reaction was purposely the opposite, as if in annoyance; or if you are truly being totally nonchalant and nonreactive.

 

Regardless of the intention: you don't have to act jealous or insecure when you aren't. But I do suggest for the benefit of your partner that you treat him as if you admire, respect, and/or desire him, authentically of course. And sort of blowing him off in that way doesn't show any of those characteristics. If my husband said such a thing to me after I told him a similar story, I would feel he was insulting me. Of course, our dynamic is different so it's hard to compare.

 

I don't know. Just think about what you're putting out there. People are different, and he might need a little more warmth or concern from you than you are giving him.

[preraph]

My opinion - your comment to him comes across a bit condescending, as if you are unimpressed with your man.

 

I can't tell if you took his telling you about the situation as if he was TRYING to make you jealous, and your reaction was purposely the opposite, as if in annoyance; or if you are truly being totally nonchalant and nonreactive.

 

Regardless of the intention: you don't have to act jealous or insecure when you aren't. But I do suggest for the benefit of your partner that you treat him as if you admire, respect, and/or desire him, authentically of course. And sort of blowing him off in that way doesn't show any of those characteristics. If my husband said such a thing to me after I told him a similar story, I would feel he was insulting me. Of course, our dynamic is different so it's hard to compare.

 

I don't know. Just think about what you're putting out there. People are different, and he might need a little more warmth or concern from you than you are giving him.

 

I think the time to act impressed with your man is when he actively puts a stop to a pushy woman hitting on him, rather than when he lets it happen and then tells you about it and gets mad because you're not foaming at the mouth. An impressive man would have dealt with this swiftly and surely with the pushy woman and never made it his wife's problem, or if she'd noted it was a problem, he would have made it stop and then told his wife "I told her to leave me alone and that if she didn't, I'd report her to HR."

 

Not, "Hey, my female coworker was all over me last night. Don't you care?" That's just lame.

Edited April 24, 2017 by preraph

[noelle303]

Yes, it makes sense. You said on another thread that you have been dating for a year but have not introduced him to your daughter. There is nothing inherently wrong with that but it does seem that you may be holding him at arm's length.

 

You seem very practical, like me and sometimes that can come off as very cold. I am not suggesting that this recent incident is your 'fault' only that you are indeed progressing slowly, your prerogative but what is happening in his mind about it?

 

A conversation with him regarding this situation as well as where the two of you are on the trajectory is imminent from this thread Noelle.

 

Oh I am extremely practical and rational and I'm aware that this can sometimes actually be a flaw, especially in the romance field.

 

Anyway, I would normally agree with the posters who say that it's a little manipulative to try and incite jelaousy and to want that your partner has feelings of jelousy as some proof of love and caring - I think if this was some guy I'm just beginning to know and date I would be completely unimpressed and probably dump him before yesterday.

 

However, I would really like to point out how incredibly uncharacteristic this is for my boyfriend. As I mentioned, we've known each other for years, we've been friends, more than friends and now a couple for the past year. During that time I had people hit on me, he had people hit on him, neither one of us was ever jelaous, we would joke or tease each other about it and it was never an issue.

 

We've been talking totally normal today, so it clearly didn't bother him extremely, but I think I should still try and talk to him about it to see where his head was at.

[olivetree]

Oh I am extremely practical and rational and I'm aware that this can sometimes actually be a flaw, especially in the romance field.

 

Anyway, I would normally agree with the posters who say that it's a little manipulative to try and incite jelaousy and to want that your partner has feelings of jelousy as some proof of love and caring - I think if this was some guy I'm just beginning to know and date I would be completely unimpressed and probably dump him before yesterday.

 

However, I would really like to point out how incredibly uncharacteristic this is for my boyfriend. As I mentioned, we've known each other for years, we've been friends, more than friends and now a couple for the past year. During that time I had people hit on me, he had people hit on him, neither one of us was ever jelaous, we would joke or tease each other about it and it was never an issue.

 

We've been talking totally normal today, so it clearly didn't bother him extremely, but I think I should still try and talk to him about it to see where his head was at.

 

If this behaviour isn't like him, I think that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Something else is going on.

I suspect he has been doing some thinking about the relationship lately.

[KBarletta]

Keep it simple: next time, show a little concern, that's all you need to do.

 

It would be no different if some guy was was hitting on you hard to the point of being annoying and your BF just sat there doing nothing about it. How would you feel?

 

I would be concerned and act on this, not because of jealousy but because I wouldn't want someone to act like a jerk and be annoying toward my SO. So, yeah, I wouldn't sit there and do nothing, but my actions would not be out of jealousy so much as wanting to stop an annoying jerk from being an annoying jerk.

[GunslingerRoland]

If I was you, i would have picked up the business card, and said I'm sorry i've hurt your feelings let me call blahblahblah and tell her to send you flowers to make you feel better.

 

Dating someone without a sense of humor would be so awful.