Did I cheat?

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Good morning everyone. I've come here for some advice because I'm feeling extremely guilty and I don't know if I did something wrong or if it's just my anxiety in overdrive. Apologies in advance for this being kind of jumbled, I'm really anxious right now about this and I can't think as clearly as normal.

 

So I met a girl online about 5 weeks ago. We've only hung out in person 4 times in that time span but we were basically texting a few times a day every day.

 

We hung out 3 Saturday nights in a row where we just did some drinking and talking, getting to know eachother. There was nothing in terms of physical contact, not even so much as a kiss. It was basically as if we were just friends. Leaving that night after the 3rd time hanging out I didn't even get a hug so I just chalked it up to her not being interested in me anymore. I get it and sometimes that just happens. We texted a little on Sunday and Monday but I didn't hear from her for a few days after that so I really thought I was getting ghosted and wouldn't hear from her again. I was frustrated so I fired up the old online dating profile again and starting talking to a different girl, more on this in a sec.

 

Fast forward to Friday (4 days later) where she texts me again like everything was the same as before. I was really confused and told her that I didn't think I was going to hear from her again. She said she was sorry and that I should have reached out if I was concerned. I told her I just chalked it up to she wasn't interested anymore and didn't want to bother her with it. (She was out of town due to a death in her family which I think is definitely also adding to my guilty feelings)

 

I was and still am pursuing a relationship so I decided to ask her what the deal was. She said she still certainly wanted to be friends with me. When I questioned further asking her if wanting to be my friend was all she was looking for right now she said yes, she enjoys hanging out with me and she doesn't know where things could go but she wanted to just start there and didn't want to complicate things.

 

This really upset me because I felt like we weren't on the same page. I am attracted to her and was under the impression we both were dating with the idea of a relationship but it seemed like she didn't and all she was looking for was a friend with the possibility of things happening down the road, which to me seemed like what she was really saying was she just liked me as a friend.

 

I told her I needed to think about things because I was definitely in this to date for the purpose of a relationship, not just friends. She said ok, and that she hopes I'll be her friend and that's where things were left.

 

Ok, back to the other girl I began talking to, we were chatting and ended up getting together that Saturday night. We got real drunk and ended up fooling around, including oral sex. That was so out of character for me and I've never done anything like that before in my life. I think I was so frustrated with everything I just got reckless and wasn't thinking with the right head. Anyway, I'm deeply ashamed of myself for that, regardless of anything else. That's not who I am. Needless to say I won't be seeing this one again.

 

I felt so bad about myself and what I had done after that I kind of swore off sexual stuff for the foreseeable future. I decided to reach back out to the original girl because all she was looking for was friends and now that I had no desire to anything sexual anytime soon, I decided that would work for me. We can be friends and then just see where things lead. We were back to texting daily and everything seemed good like before.

 

Fast forward to last night, we hung out again and had a great time. We finally had a bit deeper discussions about things and kind of how we were feeling about "us". She wants to start as friends because she doesn't want to feel pressured in to anything she's not ready for and I can completely respect that because that's how I feel as well. It seems I misconstrued the whole I just want to be friends thing when I took it as she wasn't attracted to me in that way. Turns out she is and we ended up doing some making out last night which was the first type of physical stuff we've done at all. I really like her and am excited to see where things go.

 

So basically I find myself here at this moment wondering, did I cheat on her last weekend? Am I obligated to tell her about what happened last weekend? My guilt is killing me but should it be? Most people I've asked about this think I'm nuts for feeling guilty because we aren't/weren't in a relationship and that until things are exclusive, dating multiple people at the same time is commonplace and stuff like this happens all the time.

 

 

I have anxiety issues to begin with but this has really triggered it big time so I could really use some outside perspective on this to help sort things out. Thank you all in advance, I really appreciate it.

[smackie9]

You are free to sleep with or date anyone you please....you are not in a committed relationship with this girl nor was there any relationship potential, just friendship was offered, which means you were never on the same page at the time anyways.

 

You didn't cheat. You are allowed options...and who's to say she doesn't have other options herself?

[Titanll]

Short answer is no you did not cheat.

 

Why don't you want a relationship with girl two?

 

You had sex (oral) with her and it's out of character for you? You won't be seeing her again? Not to be too cheeky but that sounds like a pretty good date to me. Remember, you were not forced to do anything. You did what you wanted to do. That isn't girl two's fault.

 

As far as cheating. No way, no how. A chump move when you want a relationship with girl one? Indeed it was. Quit serially dating and concentrate on one girl at a time. Or, date as much as you want. Or...maybe get your feelings of anxiety in check before you date at all.

[Ieris]

@SoTiredOfBeingAlone ~ How can you cheat on someone who isn't even your girlfriend? Your friends are right, the original girl is just someone you are getting to know, you don't owe her an explanation about who you're talking to or sleeping with. Don't feel bad about it, you did nothing wrong.

[Kitchen]

No you didn't cheat. And there's a decent chance she also was physical with others in that time span

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Thank you all very much. This has given me some much needed outside perspective because it's a storm of guilt and anxiety about this inside my own head.

 

I could be completely wrong about this, but I really don't think she is hanging out with other guys, let alone being physical with anyone else right now. I just wonder if I told her about it if she'd think I was crazy for thinking I cheated on her too or if she would feel betrayed.

 

Guilt and anxiety is not a good combo you guys

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

Short answer is no you did not cheat.

 

Why don't you want a relationship with girl two?

 

You had sex (oral) with her and it's out of character for you? You won't be seeing her again? Not to be too cheeky but that sounds like a pretty good date to me. Remember, you were not forced to do anything. You did what you wanted to do. That isn't girl two's fault.

 

As far as cheating. No way, no how. A chump move when you want a relationship with girl one? Indeed it was. Quit serially dating and concentrate on one girl at a time. Or, date as much as you want. Or...maybe get your feelings of anxiety in check before you date at all.

 

I missed this reply the first time around so I thought I'd address your questions.

 

The girl number two situation was more or less not going to be a long term thing from the get go. We were both kind of just looking for some intimacy etc. It actually went further than I was thinking it would, and I can thank the alcohol for that. What's done is done and I can't dwell on that part anymore and I fully recognize there is no fault on the part of girl two. Despite the fact that it was a one time thing, we are on good terms and she understands why I don't want to go any further.

 

I want to just clarify the point about it being a chump move. As far I knew at the time, she only wanted to be friends and wasn't feeling attraction for anything more. In my mind, a relationship wasn't a real possibility despite the fact that's what I wanted.

 

I am definitely not a serial dater. In fact, I don't like dating, at all. I'm just looking to find someone for a LTR, I have no interest in dating multiple women at the same time. The entire girl number two situation was born out of my need for intimacy that I thought was going to happen with girl one and just feeling like crap in general because what I thought was a promising situation had turned sour, once again... Again, it was a reckless move on my part, I fully admit that.

 

Thank you all again for the feedback you've offered, it's helpful. I hope others will continue chiming in as well.

[Titanll]

It is hard to write down every little detail but thanks for the clarification. Your original question is only applicable in a relationship so you may understand our confusion.

 

Again, not to be snarky but you seem to be a little "spread out" if you will.

 

There was no relationship but you wonder if you cheated?

 

Sex girl was nothing more than a need for intimacy but you don't serial date?

 

You're "thanking" the alcohol for enabling a situation that you wanted but didn't want?

 

Honestly, these are the kinds of questions that I would be asking myself. Maybe you have given the girl that you feel like you may have cheated on mixed messages. Just some food for thought...

[MountainGirl111]

I am definitely not a serial dater. In fact, I don't like dating, at all. I'm just looking to find someone for a LTR, I have no interest in dating multiple women at the same time. The entire girl number two situation was born out of my need for intimacy that I thought was going to happen with girl one and just feeling like crap in general because what I thought was a promising situation had turned sour, once again... Again, it was a reckless move on my part, I fully admit that.

 

I give you credit for seeming to wish to do the right thing; avoid the wrong thing: cheating.

 

Based on what you've shared, I wouldn't consider it cheating.

 

You may wish to address why you fell so easily into a physical thing (oral sex)with another girl; (not the girl of your choice, really) as a sort of rebound type of thing...this indicates to me you were being a bit impulsive and acting out of feeling bad...providing a bit of a band-aid but not really satisfying...and leaving you having guilty baggage left over.

 

The question may not be so much one of did you technically cheat. But one of engaging in oral sex with someone you wouldn't have necessarily chosen to normally have oral sex with. Maybe you need to be a bit more discriminating that way...You were feeling icky...that combined with drinking led to the oral sex. Sounds to me as if this is not something you are proud of. So, you need to resolve that perhaps moreso than trying to determine whether or not it was truly "cheating". Maybe you cheated your inner moral compass more than anything/anyone.

 

Next time you feel "bad", just allow yourself to feel bad and find another way to cope, perhaps. It usually passes.

[SoTiredOfBeingAlone]

I am definitely not a serial dater. In fact, I don't like dating, at all. I'm just looking to find someone for a LTR, I have no interest in dating multiple women at the same time. The entire girl number two situation was born out of my need for intimacy that I thought was going to happen with girl one and just feeling like crap in general because what I thought was a promising situation had turned sour, once again... Again, it was a reckless move on my part, I fully admit that.

 

I give you credit for seeming to wish to do the right thing; avoid the wrong thing: cheating.

 

Based on what you've shared, I wouldn't consider it cheating.

 

You may wish to address why you fell so easily into a physical thing (oral sex)with another girl; (not the girl of your choice, really) as a sort of rebound type of thing...this indicates to me you were being a bit impulsive and acting out of feeling bad...providing a bit of a band-aid but not really satisfying...and leaving you having guilty baggage left over.

 

The question may not be so much one of did you technically cheat. But one of engaging in oral sex with someone you wouldn't have necessarily chosen to normally have oral sex with. Maybe you need to be a bit more discriminating that way...You were feeling icky...that combined with drinking led to the oral sex. Sounds to me as if this is not something you are proud of. So, you need to resolve that perhaps moreso than trying to determine whether or not it was truly "cheating". Maybe you cheated your inner moral compass more than anything/anyone.

 

Next time you feel "bad", just allow yourself to feel bad and find another way to cope, perhaps. It usually passes.

 

Thank you for this reply. I think you've absolutely nailed my feelings exactly. I'm kind of getting over the feeling of guilt about "cheating", I'm more concerned about having "betrayed" her trust at this point. I'm definitely ashamed of what I did and the questions you pose are the ones I'm wrestling with. Thank you again, very helpful.

[MountainGirl111]

Thank you for this reply. I think you've absolutely nailed my feelings exactly. I'm kind of getting over the feeling of guilt about "cheating", I'm more concerned about having "betrayed" her trust at this point. I'm definitely ashamed of what I did and the questions you pose are the ones I'm wrestling with. Thank you again, very helpful.

 

Well, I think what you did was forgivable; you've got to forgive yourself. We're all human and we have weaknesses. We learn from our mistakes and sometimes we outgrow our mistakes. You and girl One were not officially "together" so I don't know how you could possibly cheat on her. And I don't know that you betrayed her trust either unless the two of you had a definite "agreement" going on about the parameters of your relationship. But it sounds like your relationship with girl One was/is in the formation stage and mostly friends, so try to ease up on yourself.