Conflict in Marriage

[Spring23]

I have a good marriage. But like all marriages there is conflict. In my marriage it's usually due to family issues.

 

My husband yells at me when I don't the same way he does about family stuff. Oddly enough my mom does the same thing.

 

How do other people handle conflict in marriage?

[NTV]

There is always conflict in any marriage. Communication and ground rules are very important.

 

What else can you tell us?

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband yells at me when I don't the same way he does about family stuff. Oddly enough my mom does the same thing.

 

Do you have kids? Does "family stuff" relate to them?

 

I'd tell Mom to butt out ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spring23]

There is always conflict in any marriage. Communication and ground rules are very important.

 

What else can you tell us?

 

My husband has a verbal temper. When I say something he doesn't like he becomes verbally aggressive but because I'm very sensitive I don't handle his yelling too well.

 

Do you have kids? Does "family stuff" relate to them?

 

I'd tell Mom to butt out ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We don't have kids. It has to do with family obligations. Neither of us is fond of hanging out with each other's family. Lots of family conflict in the beginning of our relationship and still the same conflict now. We usually keep family gatherings to a minimal. He sees his family without me and I do the same. However, sometimes we need/should or are obligated to see the others side and this is when conflict begins.

[NTV]

What is the source of the conflict between your husband and your family and you and your husband's family?

 

If he yells and then you do what he wants that only encourages him to yell More. Just answer him 'you don't get to talk to me this way' and walk away. You can do that with your mother too.

 

also have you to consider just moving away from your families?

[Spring23]

What is the source of the conflict between your husband and your family and you and your husband's family?

 

If he yells and then you do what he wants that only encourages him to yell More. Just answer him 'you don't get to talk to me this way' and walk away. You can do that with your mother too.

 

also have you to consider just moving away from your families?

 

The issue is complex. When he yells and tries to get me to do something. I don't do what he wants. His yelling makes me very depressed. I usually take a nap after a yelling session.

 

Moving away from family isn't an option. It will just make the problems worse.

[NTV]

And what are the problems?

[Spring23]

And what are the problems?

 

He wants me to spend time with his family and I don't want to and I want him to spend time with my family and he doesn't want to.

 

I'm not going into all the reasons for this because the reasons are irrelevant. There are times when we compromise and do see each others family but it's always a bit painful. When he tries to get me to see his family he says "It's like pulling teeth." Which is true.

[NTV]

Can you make an agreement in writing where you both are required to see family but limit the time and amount?

 

For example 7 times a year for no more than 2 hours And one event (I.e. wedding etc)?

[Mr. Lucky]

He wants me to spend time with his family and I don't want to and I want him to spend time with my family and he doesn't want to.

 

Then the compromise seems pretty simple, you socialize in equal measure and to the extent that works for you as a couple.

 

Does he expect you'll spend time with his family without him reciprocating?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spring23]

Can you make an agreement in writing where you both are required to see family but limit the time and amount?

 

For example 7 times a year for no more than 2 hours And one event (I.e. wedding etc)?

 

Yes. We could do something like that.

[Spring23]

Then the compromise seems pretty simple, you socialize in equal measure and to the extent that works for you as a couple.

 

Does he expect you'll spend time with his family without him reciprocating?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No. He sees my family. It's just (almost) always a big drama when family gets together and it makes me a bit sick. I like a nice peaceful life without conflict.

[Ronni_W]

When I say something he doesn't like he becomes verbally aggressive but because I'm very sensitive I don't handle his yelling too well.

Active aggressiveness is a poor way of handling challenging situations and conflicts in relationships...but equally so is passive aggressiveness. You've labelled yourself as "very sensitive" but it is on you to make sure that you're not just using that term to cover over, ignore or pretend away what is actually a fear of conflict within yourself.

 

Based on what you've said, it sounds like both you and your husband can stand to learn some better relationship and communication skills, and proper conflict resolution techniques.

There are books like 'The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight', by Tim Ursiny; or this website that is based in part on Daniel Goleman's work, Working with Emotional Intelligence.

 

Lots of family conflict in the beginning of our relationship and still the same conflict now. <snip> However, sometimes we need/should or are obligated to see the others side and this is when conflict begins.

First of all, if you were both aware of the contentiousness between each other's family members and just went along with it and chose to get married anyway; and, second of all, if you were both aware and accepting of this idea that people are somehow obligated by culture or tradition or family convention or whatever to put themselves into situations that they don't actually want to be in, and just went along with it and chose to get married anyway, then that implicitly becomes part of the marriage agreement.

 

In this case, if this is the case, then you both just suck it up at family get-togethers. There is nothing that says you have to lose your cool or let people rile you up just because you're in a situation that you don't want to be in or people around you are acting out their dramas in all sorts of uncomfortable-for-you ways.

 

In any case, with your newly-acquired assertiveness, communication and conflict resolution skills you will have put yourselves in a much better position to deal with all of it much more calmly and adult-like. And then you can use these family get-togethers to practice these new skills together, and roll your eyes at each other and smile inwardly with each other while you just neutrally observe all the drama around you while staying above and impervious to it. .

[Superchicken]

Someone has to be the first to throw in the towel.

Since you have come on here to air your problem, I would assume your intelligent enough to understand that men, are stubborn.

Especially when told what to do.

I am no different, and, sadly, I am a yeller as well, to my wife at times, hmmmmm mostly.

BUT, that doesn't mean its anger directed at her, but, more of a annoyance that she didn't listen to what I said, or asked, etc..

Further to it, it gets compounded over a few days. By this, I mean that when the arguments continue, day after day, and we (Men) don't get enough time to cool down, and so when it starts again, we tend to continue from where we left off. Yelling and screaming with little provocation.

I can only tell you what "Would" work for me in your instance.

If you firstly take the brunt of accepting to visit his family, maybe a couple of times, when he asks, and WITHOUT arguing, then this would make me, at least, feel that if you did that for me, the least I can do is to reciprocate.

 

 

Take a couple of pills before you visit of course, and be polite.

Hopefully, this would also work for you.

 

 

Ted.

[Spring23]

Active aggressiveness is a poor way of handling challenging situations and conflicts in relationships...but equally so is passive aggressiveness. You've labelled yourself as "very sensitive" but it is on you to make sure that you're not just using that term to cover over, ignore or pretend away what is actually a fear of conflict within yourself.

 

Based on what you've said, it sounds like both you and your husband can stand to learn some better relationship and communication skills, and proper conflict resolution techniques.

There are books like 'The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight', by Tim Ursiny; or this website that is based in part on Daniel Goleman's work, Working with Emotional Intelligence.

 

.

 

Very insightful post Ronni. Thank you. I checked out the website. I have difficult regulating my emotions after getting yelled at.

[Spring23]

Someone has to be the first to throw in the towel.

Since you have come on here to air your problem, I would assume your intelligent enough to understand that men, are stubborn.

Especially when told what to do.

I am no different, and, sadly, I am a yeller as well, to my wife at times, hmmmmm mostly.

BUT, that doesn't mean its anger directed at her, but, more of a annoyance that she didn't listen to what I said, or asked, etc..

Further to it, it gets compounded over a few days. By this, I mean that when the arguments continue, day after day, and we (Men) don't get enough time to cool down, and so when it starts again, we tend to continue from where we left off. Yelling and screaming with little provocation.

I can only tell you what "Would" work for me in your instance.

If you firstly take the brunt of accepting to visit his family, maybe a couple of times, when he asks, and WITHOUT arguing, then this would make me, at least, feel that if you did that for me, the least I can do is to reciprocate.

 

 

Take a couple of pills before you visit of course, and be polite.

Hopefully, this would also work for you.

 

 

Ted.

 

That's good advice Ted. Thx.

[Ronni_W]

That's good advice Ted. Thx.

Spring23,

 

Don't allow your own husband to blame his lack of communication and conflict resolution skills and any lack of self-control over his own feelings and actions - which can be easily learned with just a bit of desire and determination - on his gender or genes.

 

Spouses are not meant to be each other's emotional 'punching bags' or garbage cans. (Well...no person is meant to be that for any other person, but, in context, especially not spouses!)

 

Wishing you and your husband the best, and a very long and happy life together. .

[BaileyB]

Spring23,

 

Don't allow your own husband to blame his lack of communication and conflict resolution skills and any lack of self-control over his own feelings and actions - which can be easily learned with just a bit of desire and determination - on his gender.

 

Spouses are not meant to be each other's emotional 'punching bags'.

 

Absolutely agree. Conflict occurs in every relationship. But, yelling and screaming at your partner should not be tolerated. That's not love and respect.

 

He needs to develop better skills of communication and conflict resolution.

[Spring23]

Spring23,

 

Don't allow your own husband to blame his lack of communication and conflict resolution skills and any lack of self-control over his own feelings and actions - which can be easily learned with just a bit of desire and determination - on his gender or genes.

 

Spouses are not meant to be each other's emotional 'punching bags' or garbage cans. (Well...no person is meant to be that for any other person, but, in context, especially not spouses!)

 

Wishing you and your husband the best, and a very long and happy life together. .

 

Absolutely agree. Conflict occurs in every relationship. But, yelling and screaming at your partner should not be tolerated. That's not love and respect.

 

He needs to develop better skills of communication and conflict resolution.

 

He does use me as a verbal punching bag. I'm a good one because I don't yell back. I try and defend myself but he out yells and speaks quicker (a lot like my mom.)

 

I'm not an angel and I've done stuff that is crappy that perhaps deserves the yelling. But not always. Sometimes I just say something that he doesn't like or do something (small) that he doesn't like and I get yelled at....same with my mom. Both my mom and my husband have bad tempers and explosive personalities.

 

Do you know the best time in my life is when I'm home alone with my dog?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not an angel and I've done stuff that is crappy that perhaps deserves the yelling.

 

Disagree. You may have done things worthy of discussion but constant yelling is verbal abuse, a form of bullying and intimidation.

 

No place for it in a healthy relationship ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

He does use me as a verbal punching bag. I'm a good one because I don't yell back. I try and defend myself but he out yells and speaks quicker.

 

Sometimes I just say something that he doesn't like or do something (small) that he doesn't like and I get yelled at....

 

Walk away. You can't reason with a bully... Just tell him, "I'm not talking with you about this when you yell at me..." and walk away. He won't like it because you will take away his power. He seeks to intimidate you because he knows that he can, and that is the worst kind of bully...

 

And, totally agree with Mr. Lucky - nothing that you ever do should ever warrant yelling or any other kind of aggressive or abusive behavior.

 

Perhaps, you really need to think about whether you want this kind of behavior in your life at all... I too, would prefer my dog. It's like the Carrie Underwood song, "the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog..."

 

You see a pattern here, right... It's not healthy. Perhaps, you would benefit from a few visits to a counsellor to work on becoming more confident/more assertive in relationships and learn how to create healthy boundaries in these and other, future relationships.

Edited April 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Spring23]

Walk away. You can't reason with a bully... Just tell him, "I'm not talking with you about this when you yell at me..." and walk away. He won't like it because you will take away his power. He seeks to intimidate you because he knows that he can, and that is the worst kind of bully...

 

And, totally agree with Mr. Lucky - nothing that you ever do should ever warrant yelling or any other kind of aggressive or abusive behavior.

 

Perhaps, you really need to think about whether you want this kind of behavior in your life at all... I too, would prefer my dog. It's like the Carrie Underwood song, "the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog..."

 

You see a pattern here, right... It's not healthy. Perhaps, you would benefit from a few visits to a counsellor to work on becoming more confident/more assertive in relationships and learn how to create healthy boundaries in these and other, future relationships.

 

I do walk away and he follows me. A lot of times I tell him I want to take a nap and sometimes that works. He calls it "the sleep of depression."

 

He is so great in so many ways but this is an ongoing problem. After he yells he usually says "I don't take back what I said but I'm sorry for yelling at you." Sometimes the stuff he yells does make sense but I'm so angry about being yelled at I don't care. I don't enjoy hanging out with his family. There is nothing I can do about it. I can't make myself like something I don't. I will continue to work on my own issues and try to create those healthy boundaries.

 

He does work a lot so I have many nice hours a day with my little dog. So that's good.

[Ronni_W]

I have difficult regulating my emotions after getting yelled at.

Both my mom and my husband have bad tempers and explosive personalities.

Spring23,

 

Given your two statements above, and if it is within your personal philosophy/belief system, this is a very good read that can offer insight into the active aggressive-passive aggressive patterns of your important relationships: Karmic relationships with parents (and other important people in our lives). My mom and my now-ex-husband also have the same temperaments/personalities and ways of being in the world...similarities and patterns of expectations and behaviour which I've only started seeing in recent years, not before my divorce.

[BaileyB]

I do walk away and he follows me. A lot of times I tell him I want to take a nap and sometimes that works. He calls it "the sleep of depression."

 

That's really disrespectful - he's not respecting your boundaries.

 

It's called self control. He needs to develop more self control and learn how to fight fair. But, he will only do this if he thinks that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. And, that won't happen if what he's currently doing is working for him...

Edited April 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

After he yells he usually says "I don't take back what I said but I'm sorry for yelling at you."

 

Next time he goes off on you, say "You usually apologize after you yell at me. It would be more meaningful if you curbed your anger and aggressive behavior in advance. Then no apology would be needed"...

 

Mr. Lucky