I dont get it

[vickyp]

Hi guys I know a lot of people of posted the same thing but I'm so shattered. My bf of 3 yrs ended it with me 2 weeks ago. He's been off work so I have been helping with his bills which I didn't mind Bc that's what you do for a partner. Well 2 weeks same time of the break up my car breaks. Total repairs was 800 since I'm working and save what I can I was going to fix it. Then I get these nasty text messages in which I was called every name in the book, he says that my priority wasn't in tack. Meaning I should of given him money to pay his house phone instead of fixing my car. In the messages I was told he hated me too. In the past when we fought I was called every name in the book and yes the c word and also stupid. I know it's verbal abuse and I don't have low self esteem. My question is why is he playing the victim when I wanted to fix my car and why do I put up with that abuse? And why the hell am I so open to loving someone that he can't see what a catch I am? I did the nc and broke it a few times. I did get replies of f**k off and we're over. This week my dad almost died and I told him. He never replied to it. What is wrong with me? Thanks for any input.

Edited April 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[enddeck]

You say you down have low self esteem well I'm afraid you do.You have an out of worker scrounger for a boyfriend who would prefer you pay HIS phone bill rather than get your car fixed.The car which I assume you travel to work in to earn money to help with his expenses.Cut off all contact with this loser and work on your self respect before dating again.

[Zahara]

A person that sees value and esteem in themselves does not allow someone to abuse them, and consistently allow it for 3 years.

 

The fact that he broke up with you and you were still paying his bills is indicative of how desperate you are to still be validated by him.

 

He is playing victim because he knows he can manipulate you. It's his way of trying to guilt you. You put up with the abuse because you have low self-esteem. You tolerate poor treatment because that is all you believe you deserve. You don't love him -- you've become co-dependent. You'll do anything to seek validation and acceptance. It's your desperation to be loved.

 

Anyone that calls you every name in the book has no emotional capacity to connect or realize a good thing. You can be the best there could ever be but if he is emotionally dysfunctional, he will never appreciate a healthy and nurturing relationship.

 

Stop contacting him. Block him. Work on yourself. Aim higher. You need to work on having better standards and boundaries for yourself.

[Goodguy05]

Hi guys I know a lot of people of posted the same thing but I'm so shattered. My bf of 3 yrs ended it with me 2 weeks ago. He's been off work so I have been helping with his bills which I didn't mind Bc that's what you do for a partner. Well 2 weeks same time of the break up my car breaks. Total repairs was 800 since I'm working and save what I can I was going to fix it. Then I get these nasty text messages in which I was called every name in the book, he says that my priority wasn't in tack. Meaning I should of given him money to pay his house phone instead of fixing my car. In the messages I was told he hated me too. In the past when we fought I was called every name in the book and yes the c word and also stupid. I know it's verbal abuse and I don't have low self esteem. My question is why is he playing the victim when I wanted to fix my car and why do I put up with that abuse? And why the hell am I so open to loving someone that he can't see what a catch I am? I did the nc and broke it a few times. I did get replies of f**k off and we're over. This week my dad almost died and I told him. He never replied to it. What is wrong with me? Thanks for any input.

 

 

Man that's no good im sorry to hear sounds like he's got a bit of growing up to do and is taking u for granted. If you allow it he will continue the behaviour. These fights Remind me of me lol without the verbal abuse side reminds me of my ex wife boy did I grow up after she left she was good and stil regret that one actually she'd abuse me but that's because I needed to pull my socks up wich I did. I think you will eventually have enough of it and leave that's my prediction.

[vickyp]

Thanks for the replies. I guess my next question is how do I work on myself? Any books you guys can recommend? I guess it's hard for me to understand how someone can just change like that Bc I needed to fix my car. I guess what I don't understand also is how people can take advantage of one's heart and that I'm a good person. I never named called Infact I backed away. Conflict isn't my thing. It's so cruel how someone can talk about the future then leave me Bc I didn't want to pay his house bill. When does the heart ache and feeling stupid end?

[Bromeo]

Hi guys I know a lot of people of posted the same thing but I'm so shattered. My bf of 3 yrs ended it with me 2 weeks ago. He's been off work so I have been helping with his bills which I didn't mind Bc that's what you do for a partner. Well 2 weeks same time of the break up my car breaks. Total repairs was 800 since I'm working and save what I can I was going to fix it. Then I get these nasty text messages in which I was called every name in the book, he says that my priority wasn't in tack. Meaning I should of given him money to pay his house phone instead of fixing my car. In the messages I was told he hated me too. In the past when we fought I was called every name in the book and yes the c word and also stupid. I know it's verbal abuse and I don't have low self esteem. My question is why is he playing the victim when I wanted to fix my car and why do I put up with that abuse? And why the hell am I so open to loving someone that he can't see what a catch I am? I did the nc and broke it a few times. I did get replies of f**k off and we're over. This week my dad almost died and I told him. He never replied to it. What is wrong with me? Thanks for any input.

 

I have been employed full time since I was 17. I went through one period of unemployment for 10 months. During that time, I killed my self applying everywhere, and appreciated every effort done for me.

 

I also cleaned the house, did chores, cut the lawn, and showed my appreciation through effort.

 

A man does not insult or hurt his woman. A boy does. Having hurt people in the past, I know the difference now.

 

I bought myself a pair of boots, cost me 200. My ex, who was living with me at the time, rent free stated - "you bought those boots, and you know I needed tires for my car."

 

Best part, she's 36, and I had sold collectibles to buy my boots. She was working as a bartender.

 

Relationships are about equality. If you were supporting someone who made no effort to find work, then we need to understand you better.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the replies. I guess my next question is how do I work on myself? Any books you guys can recommend? I guess it's hard for me to understand how someone can just change like that Bc I needed to fix my car. I guess what I don't understand also is how people can take advantage of one's heart and that I'm a good person. I never named called Infact I backed away. Conflict isn't my thing. It's so cruel how someone can talk about the future then leave me Bc I didn't want to pay his house bill. When does the heart ache and feeling stupid end?

 

Seek a therapist. It's a good start. You may need to go through a few to find one that fits you. Do some research/homework on co-dependence and abusive relationships. Browse the self-help aisle at your local library. The internet has a wealth of information/suggestions on empowerment. Absorb what you need and what makes sense to you. Self-love is a long journey but it is well worth it.

 

He didn't change. He was always this way. You mentioned he called you every name in the book when you fought so what was the change? He was a jerk then and a jerk now. Don't romanticize him.

 

That "I'm a good person" is for the birds. Being a good person doesn't automatically entitle you to be treated well. There are those out there that will take advantage of that. So when you are with someone that treats you badly, you walk away because you know you deserve a mutual and equal relationship. Yes, you are a good person but at some point you need to take accountability for allowing someone to consistently treat you badly. The sooner you do that, the sooner you move on from this and learn the lesson.

 

This is a blessing. You don't want a future with a man that calls you despicable names.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Zahara

[whatnot]

Be true to what you know is true. You know your car is important. You know your job is important. You know You know you know you know you know you know already you know what's important. It's important that you do what you know is right. Please do not feel guilty. do not feel guilty. there is nothing wrong with you vickyp. There is nothing wrong with YOU. YOU. I cannot stress this enough. There is nothing WRONG with YOU.

 

You are kind. You are too big hearted for your own good.

 

That pain you feel.....it will help you to grow. Life is it's own book, if read correctly, and obeyed. Obey your own instincts vickyp. You know already...your own answer. You must obey your own truth. Your own truth.

[whatnot]

Thanks for the replies. I guess my next question is how do I work on myself? Any books you guys can recommend? I guess it's hard for me to understand how someone can just change like that Bc I needed to fix my car. I guess what I don't understand also is how people can take advantage of one's heart and that I'm a good person. I never named called Infact I backed away. Conflict isn't my thing. It's so cruel how someone can talk about the future then leave me Bc I didn't want to pay his house bill. When does the heart ache and feeling stupid end?

 

you're not stupid. never let anyone make you feel stupid. you're not. Do not let him make you feel stupid. Don't let it happen.

[vickyp]

Thank you guys. I've been reading these forums for awhile and what's so amazing is how strangers care for one's concerns. All I can say is thank you and I really appreciate the feed back.

[EmilyJane]

You don't need to have low self esteem to be a victim of abuse.

 

I didn't.

 

It's a psychological effect of prolonged abuse, the having trouble leaving and getting over it.

 

Well known phenomenon. A lot of info on it on reputable websites.

 

I think this is what has happened to you. Slowly he became abusive and you by infinite tiny steps had your ideas of what was normal warped.

 

Human beings are evolved to form very close bonds. It is our survival mechanism in part. So we have inbuilt aversion to breaking those bonds. That is why break ups are so painful. You're tapping into primal emotion and survival stuff - it's just got very little to do with logic.

 

There isn't actually anything wrong with you as previous posters have described, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship, but I'm betting you are aware that you think differently about yourself so getting counselling from someone trained as opposed to not necessarily well educated on the issues involved strangers who reply to you online is going to help you sort through the aftermath in a healthy way that doesn't mean you blame yourself for acting like a human is a good idea.

[whatdeww18]

Wow, hope you're doing much better now.

 

You really don't need that kind of influence on your life. No woman should be called all the names in the book... Glad you're out.

 

In terms of books for women, Milk and Honey is a collection of poems for women that is really good! If you google it, you can find 13 quotes that stand out in the book.

 

Wishing you an empowering journey!

[Goodguy05]

You don't need to have low self esteem to be a victim of abuse.

 

I didn't.

 

It's a psychological effect of prolonged abuse, the having trouble leaving and getting over it.

 

Well known phenomenon. A lot of info on it on reputable websites.

 

I think this is what has happened to you. Slowly he became abusive and you by infinite tiny steps had your ideas of what was normal warped.

 

Human beings are evolved to form very close bonds. It is our survival mechanism in part. So we have inbuilt aversion to breaking those bonds. That is why break ups are so painful. You're tapping into primal emotion and survival stuff - it's just got very little to do with logic.

 

There isn't actually anything wrong with you as previous posters have described, anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship, but I'm betting you are aware that you think differently about yourself so getting counselling from someone trained as opposed to not necessarily well educated on the issues involved strangers who reply to you online is going to help you sort through the aftermath in a healthy way that doesn't mean you blame yourself for acting like a human is a good idea.

 

 

Amazing Emily, Dr love does it again ?

[vickyp]

Thanks everyone. I did some soul searching and I guess I had put up with his nonsense Bc I'm scared to be alone. I'm in my 30's I want kids, marriage and someone to come home too. I knew in the back of mind I should of left long time ago but fear got the better part of me. But I do thank everyone for your input. You guys made me from feeling from zero to 10 lol thanks!

[Zahara]

Thanks everyone. I did some soul searching and I guess I had put up with his nonsense Bc I'm scared to be alone. I'm in my 30's I want kids, marriage and someone to come home too. I knew in the back of mind I should of left long time ago but fear got the better part of me. But I do thank everyone for your input. You guys made me from feeling from zero to 10 lol thanks!

 

I was in that same place at one point in my life, OP. It was an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and it took quite a bit for me to finally move on. The fear of being alone is scary but the pain of dependency is far worse. You don't want to go down that route. The former is something you can overcome. The best relationship you can have is the one with yourself so invest. Having spent the past few years being on my own and empowering my independence, it will help you get over your need to be with someone and enable a healthier perspective for future relationships.

 

I understand wanting kids and family but there is no timeline to those events. Forcing them will likely cause you to make bad choices. So, look inward, focus on rebuilding yourself, invest all your efforts in healing and the rest will follow.

 

And no you are not stupid. You just made bad choices.

 

Please block him. Enforce a boundary. Know that you deserve better than this.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Zahara

[vickyp]

Sorry to hear that Zahara. You have really opened up my eyes. Everyone has. But why does the abuser feel like the victim? Did your ex ever contact you ?

[Zahara]

Sorry to hear that Zahara. You have really opened up my eyes. Everyone has. But why does the abuser feel like the victim? Did your ex ever contact you ?

 

It's self-loathing. It's always everyone's fault. It's entitlement. It's control. It's manipulation. It's guilting. This is how they are wired.

 

Yes, he contacted me several times. It was only to regain control. They have no sense of boundaries. If he contacts you, it is not because he loves you or cares for you, it is for the purpose of utilizing you again for his benefit.

 

OP, love doesn't denigrate you. It's supposed to nurture you. If you are afraid to block him because you fear finality, embrace it because this is not what you should want for yourself. If this was happening to a sister or friend, what would you tell them? The same applies to you.

[vickyp]

I am not going to block him. Not because im scared to do so. I want that A*** to feel the pain of being ignored by me. The pain I feel of feeling stupid, and the pain of loss. The pain of thinking to himself " i did lose the best thing" Your absolutely correct. If it was my sister or a friend, id tell her to run and not look back. How long after did he try to contact you Zahara? and when did it stop?

[Zahara]

I am not going to block him. Not because im scared to do so. I want that A*** to feel the pain of being ignored by me. The pain I feel of feeling stupid, and the pain of loss. The pain of thinking to himself " i did lose the best thing" Your absolutely correct. If it was my sister or a friend, id tell her to run and not look back. How long after did he try to contact you Zahara? and when did it stop?

 

A couple of days in after the ending. I'd ignore and it went from every other day to a week here and there. It would stop for awhile and then start all over again. The second time around I decided to block him. It's a dangerous cycle because that contact can be detrimental as it may catch you at a weak moment. This is why it is best to block. There's going to come a time when you are feeling weak and in a bad phase and he could just come in, say the right words and rope you back in.

 

There was some satisfaction of knowing that he was chasing me but I realized that he wasn't feeling pain but likely the bruising of his ego and the disappointment that he couldn't be in control anymore.

[vickyp]

I doubt mine will be chasing or texting me. The million times we fought, he went NC for days, untill i contacted him. I always did the chasing, and begging. ALWAYS! Even the fights we had where the name calling came into play, i always contacted, begged, with no apology either. The only time i got a thank you was after sending him money. lol god how dumb am i Why are people so cruel? say i love you, want to be with you forever, they split after. At least my last boyfriend cheated on me, and was decent enough to tell me LOL

[Zahara]

I doubt mine will be chasing or texting me. The million times we fought, he went NC for days, untill i contacted him. I always did the chasing, and begging. ALWAYS! Even the fights we had where the name calling came into play, i always contacted, begged, with no apology either. The only time i got a thank you was after sending him money. lol god how dumb am i Why are people so cruel? say i love you, want to be with you forever, they split after. At least my last boyfriend cheated on me, and was decent enough to tell me LOL

 

Give it some time. He knows how you operate. So he's likely sitting there waiting for you to make the first move. But as time moves along and you stay silent, he's going perk up and wonder where you are because the old Vicky would have showed up by now. When he knows that he's lost control, he'll come around.

 

People are people, Vicky. There are those out there that will manipulate and use you. You just have to know when to eject when you see the signs. They're not obligated to treat us fairly. We have to do that for ourselves.

 

You are not dumb. No self-deprecation. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You are wounded. Treat these wounds with care.

[Redhead14]

I'm sorry you're struggling and the guy has been an abusive jerk about all this. However, I do have to say he's right about the fact that you shouldn't be giving money you don't have. In other words, it's nice to want to help you partner, but you never do that at your own "expense". If giving him money would put you in a financial bind, don't do it. Yes, he's your partner, but you weren't married. You have no obligation to support him in anyway.

 

Nevertheless, I'd say you're just seeing more of the real him and it's a good thing you aren't married . . .

 

My question is why is he playing the victim -- This is manipulation and is commonly called gaslighting -- spinning things back on the partner in attempt to make them feel like they are in the wrong or crazy, etc. This is a trait of a narcissist. It tears down a person's self-esteem. So if you're already struggling with that, it just compounds it.

 

What is wrong with me? -- For whatever reason, you are seeking validation from an external source -- him -- and putting all of yourself into the relationship and getting nothing in return. Why do you accept his poor treatment? Because you feel that you deserve it and perhaps think that this is normal in a relationship. The answer to this question needs to be focused on addressed now that you are a single woman again.

 

Take this time to focus on just YOU for a while and work on becoming a strong, independent secure woman. Be good to yourself and curtail any negative self-talk you might be doing. Be patient with yourself too. Counseling would be a good way to start this process. And, yes, it can be difficult but you stick with it UNTIL you get results.

[vickyp]

Zahara, I did go NC during the week. But I broke the last 2 weekends. With replies of " F** off and im calling the police for harassment. What stings the most is on tues of last week, i texted bc my dad is in the hospital, and received no reply back. Nothing. How can you be with someone for so long, and tell you something so horrible like this and not reply back? It just killed me. I also feel so used. Like saying i was only good for money, which at times i really had to stretch my dollar b/c i wanted to make him happy. People are sick ! So no i dont think he will contact me again, and after reading this forum which again everyone had made me feel so good, i wont be contacting him back, infact on the weekend, i told him to keep the money i ever sent, and not to repay me back , because he makes me that sick to my stomach.

[vickyp]

I'm sorry you're struggling and the guy has been an abusive jerk about all this. However, I do have to say he's right about the fact that you shouldn't be giving money you don't have. In other words, it's nice to want to help you partner, but you never do that at your own "expense". If giving him money would put you in a financial bind, don't do it. Yes, he's your partner, but you weren't married. You have no obligation to support him in anyway.

 

Nevertheless, I'd say you're just seeing more of the real him and it's a good thing you aren't married . . .

 

My question is why is he playing the victim -- This is manipulation and is commonly called gaslighting -- spinning things back on the partner in attempt to make them feel like they are in the wrong or crazy, etc. This is a trait of a narcissist. It tears down a person's self-esteem. So if you're already struggling with that, it just compounds it.

 

What is wrong with me? -- For whatever reason, you are seeking validation from an external source -- him -- and putting all of yourself into the relationship and getting nothing in return. Why do you accept his poor treatment? Because you feel that you deserve it and perhaps think that this is normal in a relationship. The answer to this question needs to be focused on addressed now that you are a single woman again.

 

Take this time to focus on just YOU for a while and work on becoming a strong, independent secure woman. Be good to yourself and curtail any negative self-talk you might be doing. Be patient with yourself too. Counseling would be a good way to start this process. And, yes, it can be difficult but you stick with it UNTIL you get results.

 

You are right. We were not married. But it was the fear of being alone. I wanted him to know how much i adored and would do anything for him. I wanted him to know that no matter what had happened in life, id always be there, and always would do my best. I agree it is time to work on myself, and slowly learn how to be happy again. Learn that somewhere inside of me i am a strong independent woman.

[Zahara]

Zahara, I did go NC during the week. But I broke the last 2 weekends. With replies of " F** off and im calling the police for harassment. What stings the most is on tues of last week, i texted bc my dad is in the hospital, and received no reply back. Nothing. How can you be with someone for so long, and tell you something so horrible like this and not reply back? It just killed me. I also feel so used. Like saying i was only good for money, which at times i really had to stretch my dollar b/c i wanted to make him happy. People are sick ! So no i dont think he will contact me again, and after reading this forum which again everyone had made me feel so good, i wont be contacting him back, infact on the weekend, i told him to keep the money i ever sent, and not to repay me back , because he makes me that sick to my stomach.

 

But Vicky, when someone is treating you horribly in that they denigrate you, why do you think that they have the capacity to feel love and care for you in your time of need? Why do you think that someone who calls you every name in the book has the capacity to feel empathy for you?

 

Your expectations of him are too high. I am sure he showed you time and time again as to who he truly was but you chose to ignore it. Thinking that if you show him more love, give him more affection, shower him with more money he'll love you the way you wanted him to love you?

 

Instead of trying to question why he behaved that way, try to self-reflect on why it is you kept putting up with that kind of treatment. It's much more beneficial to focus on our role in the situation rather than delve into why an abuser behaves the way he does.