I dont get it

[vickyp]

It's been 7 weeks since I last heard from my ex. During this week stupid me has been emailing him how much he hurt me how I still wanted to be with him and how he didn't care so much of my dad's pasting on the the anniversary. The emails also said how I couldn't be with someone who calls me a loser a c### and who@@. Sure enough he calls me to stop emailing him that I give him anxiety and that I'm an evil person, but he's not putting me down he's just speaking the truth since everyone else thinks so, and this is the reason he can't be with me. Is he just mad or is it really over? We have had fights in the past and even, long periods of nc so I don't know if it is over perhaps something else is going on in his life and can't deal with me right. Thoughts? Be gentle too I was crying when he called me evil. So I'm fragile

[Redhead14]

It's been 7 weeks since I last heard from my ex. During this week stupid me has been emailing him how much he hurt me how I still wanted to be with him and how he didn't care so much of my dad's pasting on the the anniversary. The emails also said how I couldn't be with someone who calls me a loser a c### and who@@. Sure enough he calls me to stop emailing him that I give him anxiety and that I'm an evil person, but he's not putting me down he's just speaking the truth since everyone else thinks so, and this is the reason he can't be with me. Is he just mad or is it really over? We have had fights in the past and even, long periods of nc so I don't know if it is over perhaps something else is going on in his life and can't deal with me right. Thoughts? Be gentle too I was crying when he called me evil. So I'm fragile

 

Is he just mad or is it really over? -- Both. And, it's over because of

calls me a loser a c### and who@@ andfor no other reason.

 

perhaps something else is going on in his life and can't deal with me right. -- there is something wrong somewhere, that's for darn sure.

 

History is simply repeating itself. Make a new history for yourself.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Vicky, I really feel for you. You were doing so good until your Dad passed and then you have gotten yourself co-dependent on him again.

You are afraid to be alone, I get it. But you are only 30! OMG you have so much time to find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

 

I thought I had found that someone, but after 11 years, he just up and left me.

I am now 45 and am faced with the same fear you are facing. Finding someone at 45!

 

The relationship you have is rocky and toxic to both. It is unlikely that it will last "forever". Just don't let your vulnerability due to your Dad passing, trick you into making decisions that are bad for you in the long run.

 

Have you tried counseling yet? It is really the most wonderful thing to have when extricating yourself from an abusve relationship. That I can tell you from experience.

 

Just know we are all rooting for you to do NC and detach from this relationship. Ultimately you have to help yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you.

[vickyp]

Vicky, I really feel for you. You were doing so good until your Dad passed and then you have gotten yourself co-dependent on him again.

You are afraid to be alone, I get it. But you are only 30! OMG you have so much time to find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

 

I thought I had found that someone, but after 11 years, he just up and left me.

I am now 45 and am faced with the same fear you are facing. Finding someone at 45!

 

The relationship you have is rocky and toxic to both. It is unlikely that it will last "forever". Just don't let your vulnerability due to your Dad passing, trick you into making decisions that are bad for you in the long run.

 

Have you tried counseling yet? It is really the most wonderful thing to have when extricating yourself from an abusve relationship. That I can tell you from experience.

 

Just know we are all rooting for you to do NC and detach from this relationship. Ultimately you have to help yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you.

 

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I just started my counselling this week. I think what i find most difficult, and even reading others postings, is how someone after a number of years just get up and go. Like we meant nothing, throwing us away like garbage. That is what i struggle with most. What ive learned over the last little while, you just never know what tomorrow brings, so yes you may be 45, but you never know what tomorrow brings or who. Good luck in your journey, and thank you.

[Zahara]

I think what i find most difficult, and even reading others postings, is how someone after a number of years just get up and go. Like we meant nothing, throwing us away like garbage. That is what i struggle with most. What ive learned over the last little while, you just never know what tomorrow brings, so yes you may be 45, but you never know what tomorrow brings or who. Good luck in your journey, and thank you.

 

This is mostly because you are focusing on the image of him that you created in your head. You're emotional and putting him and the relationship on a pedestal. In your initial post you stated that when you both fought in the past, he called you every name in the book -- that is not love. So why would you think that someone who belittles you and uses you does not have the capacity to just get up and go. Their treatment of you is an indication of how shallow and unhealthy their attachment is to you.

 

I'm sure he treated you poorly for those 3 years. And when you could not be of any use to him, it was easy for him to exit.

 

He treated you like garbage. Why would he not throw the relationship away like garbage?

 

This was not a loving, repectful and nurturing relationship where you can be surprised if someone just up and left. It was toxic, damaging and most of all, crippling in terms of how it has broken your self-esteem -- why is it surprising that it would turn out this way?

 

You noted you contacted him and wanted to get back with him -- why? As I said before, it's time to focus on your own dysfunctional behaviors rather than reaching out to him and questioning his actions.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Zahara

[vickyp]

This is mostly because you are focusing on the image of him that you created in your head. You're emotional and putting him and the relationship on a pedestal. In your initial post you stated that when you both fought in the past, he called you every name in the book -- that is not love. So why would you think that someone who belittles you and uses you does not have the capacity to just get up and go. Their treatment of you is an indication of how shallow and unhealthy their attachment is to you.

 

I'm sure he treated you poorly for those 3 years. And when you could not be of any use to him, it was easy for him to exit.

 

He treated you like garbage. Why would he not throw the relationship away like garbage?

 

This was not a loving, repectful and nurturing relationship where you can be surprised if someone just up and left. It was toxic, damaging and most of all, crippling in terms of how it has broken your self-esteem -- why is it surprising that it would turn out this way?

 

You noted you contacted him and wanted to get back with him -- why? As I said before, it's time to focus on your own dysfunctional behaviors rather than reaching out to him and questioning his actions.

 

Oh hi there Zahara, your right. I f***ed up. i shouldn't of texted him back after i saw his missed call. but i have blocked email, and i actually changed my number on monday. I always say what i mean. For example, if i say i love you, i mean it. So i guess i assume people are like me. honest and opened, which in this case he wasn't. Im not a bad person. I did not mistreat him, so i find it hard to understand how someone can do that to me. Baby steps in healing in my healing process Zahara. Thanks again.

[Zahara]

Oh hi there Zahara, your right. I f***ed up. i shouldn't of texted him back after i saw his missed call. but i have blocked email, and i actually changed my number on monday. I always say what i mean. For example, if i say i love you, i mean it. So i guess i assume people are like me. honest and opened, which in this case he wasn't. Im not a bad person. I did not mistreat him, so i find it hard to understand how someone can do that to me. Baby steps in healing in my healing process Zahara. Thanks again.

 

Why is it hard to believe? If he was caring, nurturing and loving all throughout those 3 years, and one day he turned, then I understand it would be hard to believe. You have high expectations for people of low value.

 

He showed you over and over again through the years that he was NEVER a nice person. The problem is that you kept staying because you were holding on to that fantasy of him someday changing or becoming the person you wanted him to be. When people show you who they are, you need accept that reality.

 

You likely gave and gave because you were hoping by giving you would maybe receive. And that would make him become the partner you wanted him to be for you.

 

Look, there are all sorts of people out there. No one is going to be like you. Or behave like you. Or have the same morals as you. Don't try to change someone. There are people out there that are going to abuse and use you -- it's your responsibility to hone in on those behaviors and do the right thing by exiting at the first sign of red flags. Not stay hoping that one day they may become prince charming and treat you lovingly.

Edited July 13, 2017 by Zahara

[vickyp]

Why is it hard to believe? If he was caring, nurturing and loving all throughout those 3 years, and one day he turned, then I understand it would be hard to believe. You have high expectations for people of low value.

 

He showed you over and over again through the years that he was NEVER a nice person. The problem is that you kept staying because you were holding on to that fantasy of him someday changing or becoming the person you wanted him to be. When people show you who they are, you need accept that reality.

 

You likely gave and gave because you were hoping by giving you would maybe receive. And that would make him become the partner you wanted him to be for you.

 

Look, there are all sorts of people out there. No one is going to be like you. Or behave like you. Or have the same morals as you. Don't try to change someone. There are people out there that are going to abuse and use you -- it's your responsibility to hone in on those behaviors and do the right thing by exiting at the first sign of red flags. Not stay hoping that one day they may become prince charming and treat you lovingly.

 

Your absolutely right. I had my first red flag within 3 mths of dating, and i ignored it. Hoping he would be the person i want and need. Zahara, if you were in Canada, and close by, we would be having lunch dates together everyday so you can drill in my head, f### this guy

[Zahara]

Your absolutely right. I had my first red flag within 3 mths of dating, and i ignored it. Hoping he would be the person i want and need. Zahara, if you were in Canada, and close by, we would be having lunch dates together everyday so you can drill in my head, f### this guy

 

This is why it is a good exercise to journal the reality of your relationship. When you start romanticizing or start having these unreasonably high expectations of this clown, you will be able to reframe your mindset. Start writing. It will be so helpful to keep reminding yourself of your reality and who he truly was.

 

Happy to drill it into your head anytime and anywhere! :-)

[vickyp]

This is why it is a good exercise to journal the reality of your relationship. When you start romanticizing or start having these unreasonably high expectations of this clown, you will be able to reframe your mindset. Start writing. It will be so helpful to keep reminding yourself of your reality and who he truly was.

 

Happy to drill it into your head anytime and anywhere! :-)

 

 

 

Thank you my friend.