I dont get it

[Redhead14]

You are right. We were not married. But it was the fear of being alone. I wanted him to know how much i adored and would do anything for him. I wanted him to know that no matter what had happened in life, id always be there, and always would do my best. I agree it is time to work on myself, and slowly learn how to be happy again. Learn that somewhere inside of me i am a strong independent woman.

 

You are a strong, independent woman -- tell yourself that everyday. Write it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror until it becomes a habit and you don't need the note anymore Treat yourself well and enjoy everything you do have and don't give any of it away until you find someone who appreciates all that and shows you that they do. You don't need a man to make you happy. You should be happy with who you are. A man should only add to/compliment the happiness you already have.

[vickyp]

But Vicky, when someone is treating you horribly in that they denigrate you, why do you think that they have the capacity to feel love and care for you in your time of need? Why do you think that someone who calls you every name in the book has the capacity to feel empathy for you?

 

Your expectations of him are too high. I am sure he showed you time and time again as to who he truly was but you chose to ignore it. Thinking that if you show him more love, give him more affection, shower him with more money he'll love you the way you wanted him to love you?

 

Instead of trying to question why he behaved that way, try to self-reflect on why it is you kept putting up with that kind of treatment. It's much more beneficial to focus on our role in the situation rather than delve into why an abuser behaves the way he does.

 

Zahara, he is my father. He could of died. This a***** knows im close with my family and would do anything for them. So yes it stings that he wouldn't care. Three years of my life was given. Three years, and you tell me you cant say " sorry to hear that" or " how is doing" Did i really not mean anything to him? All the times i cared over small things. But something like this ? you cant reply back? I am getting to the point of hating him. I feel so stupid by ignoring the red flags early on. People make me sick !

[vickyp]

You are a strong, independent woman -- tell yourself that everyday. Write it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror until it becomes a habit and you don't need the note anymore Treat yourself well and enjoy everything you do have and don't give any of it away until you find someone who appreciates all that and shows you that they do. You don't need a man to make you happy. You should be happy with who you are. A man should only add to/compliment the happiness you already have.

 

Thats the quote of the day in my eyes. Thank you

[Zahara]

Zahara, he is my father. He could of died. This a***** knows im close with my family and would do anything for them. So yes it stings that he wouldn't care. Three years of my life was given. Three years, and you tell me you cant say " sorry to hear that" or " how is doing" Did i really not mean anything to him? All the times i cared over small things. But something like this ? you cant reply back? I am getting to the point of hating him. I feel so stupid by ignoring the red flags early on. People make me sick !

 

You're projecting. We believe that normal behavior would be to empathize but that is what you/we believe -- someone like him has no capacity to do that and he showed you that by the way he treated you. If he didn't care about you then, why would he care about your feelings for your father?

[vickyp]

You're projecting. We believe that normal behavior would be to empathize but that is what you/we believe -- someone like him has no capacity to do that and he showed you that by the way he treated you. If he didn't care about you then, why would he care about your feelings for your father?

 

Bc I think in my head that would be a normal reaction. In my head I think, "she needs support right and I should be there" in my head I think I'm decent enough for him to care. In my head I think all the times he told me loved me and if he really did. In my head I think now what was the point of us being together for three yrs?

Edited April 24, 2017 by vickyp

[Zahara]

Bc I think in my head that would be a normal reaction. In my head I think, "she needs support right and I should be there" in my head I think I'm decent enough for him to care. In my head I think all the times he told me he really did. In my head I think now what was the point of us being together for three yrs?

 

Yes, in your head. Your head is not his head.

 

He told you he did but his actions told you he didn't -- actions not words.

 

In the three years he mistreated you. You need to ask yourself why you stayed for that long.

[vickyp]

I read up on gaslighting. I'm guilty

[Impfinity]

Hi guys I know a lot of people of posted the same thing but I'm so shattered. My bf of 3 yrs ended it with me 2 weeks ago. He's been off work so I have been helping with his bills which I didn't mind Bc that's what you do for a partner. Well 2 weeks same time of the break up my car breaks. Total repairs was 800 since I'm working and save what I can I was going to fix it. Then I get these nasty text messages in which I was called every name in the book, he says that my priority wasn't in tack. Meaning I should of given him money to pay his house phone instead of fixing my car. In the messages I was told he hated me too. In the past when we fought I was called every name in the book and yes the c word and also stupid. I know it's verbal abuse and I don't have low self esteem. My question is why is he playing the victim when I wanted to fix my car and why do I put up with that abuse? And why the hell am I so open to loving someone that he can't see what a catch I am? I did the nc and broke it a few times. I did get replies of f**k off and we're over. This week my dad almost died and I told him. He never replied to it. What is wrong with me? Thanks for any input.

 

I'm sorry, your going through that, I'm going through it was well, I broke up with my girlfriend because she was talking to other men in a flirtatious manner and I felt disrespected and she calls me a few names, so I know how you feel!

 

It'll get better, will never get closure or anything, I'm on day 2 of no contact, you'd think she reach out to me she didn't, so hang in there you can do it.

[vickyp]

I'm sorry, your going through that, I'm going through it was well, I broke up with my girlfriend because she was talking to other men in a flirtatious manner and I felt disrespected and she calls me a few names, so I know how you feel!

 

It'll get better, will never get closure or anything, I'm on day 2 of no contact, you'd think she reach out to me she didn't, so hang in there you can do it.

 

And you hang in there too. I'm slowly learning these type of people are not worth it. Keep your head high

[vickyp]

Yes, in your head. Your head is not his head.

 

He told you he did but his actions told you he didn't -- actions not words.

 

In the three years he mistreated you. You need to ask yourself why you stayed for that long.

 

First year was good. I mean we did fight here and there but no name calling. This last year has bee brutal. He is off work due to medical reasons. So that's why I stepped up with money. I know why I stayed. I'm scared of being alone. Having no married life having no kids etc etc Zahara what happen with your ex?

[Zahara]

First year was good. I mean we did fight here and there but no name calling. This last year has bee brutal. He is off work due to medical reasons. So that's why I stepped up with money. I know why I stayed. I'm scared of being alone. Having no married life having no kids etc etc Zahara what happen with your ex?

 

I don't know what's happened to him and I don't care. This is the focus now -- you. When you start to emotionally detach, you'll find yourself less affected and concerned about him. When you start to see with a clear mind, you'll find peace with the outcome and likely ask yourself, "What the heck was I thinking!"

 

Stay focused on yourself. Your ex will likely find another woman to suck dry and you need to thank your lucky stars you are out of it.

[preraph]

I think that these events have just brought out how bad he can get and you're waking up to that fact. I mean, I had a friend who would let guys do little disrespectful comments to her about something trivial like how to work a gas pump. To me, that's a red flag for bigger issues, but to many they think why make a big deal out of something trivial (even though making a big deal is what the man did).

 

So now it's of bigger proportions and you are rightly asking yourself why on earth you would put up with it. And you shouldn't. You can do better.

[vickyp]

I don't know what's happened to him and I don't care. This is the focus now -- you. When you start to emotionally detach, you'll find yourself less affected and concerned about him. When you start to see with a clear mind, you'll find peace with the outcome and likely ask yourself, "What the heck was I thinking!"

 

Stay focused on yourself. Your ex will likely find another woman to suck dry and you need to thank your lucky stars you are out of it.

 

Lol thanks Zahara for being so tough with me. I get what your saying really I do slowly im learning. When someone says to me they would call the cops for harassment im letting go.

[vickyp]

I think that these events have just brought out how bad he can get and you're waking up to that fact. I mean, I had a friend who would let guys do little disrespectful comments to her about something trivial like how to work a gas pump. To me, that's a red flag for bigger issues, but to many they think why make a big deal out of something trivial (even though making a big deal is what the man did).

 

So now it's of bigger proportions and you are rightly asking yourself why on earth you would put up with it. And you shouldn't. You can do better.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the feed back

[vickyp]

not going to lie, went from feeling a 6 yesterday, back down to a zero

[Zahara]

not going to lie, went from feeling a 6 yesterday, back down to a zero

 

Your emotions are going to fluctuate. This is why I mentioned blocking him because you want to avoid a possible vulnerable moment if he makes contact.

 

Allow those emotions to come over you and work through it. It will pass but it will come back again. Just know that grief is a process and you're going to have to push through. Lean on your friends and family. Post here is you need an outlet.

 

I know how you feel but trust that it won't always be this way. Staying with a man like him would have kept you in indefinite pain. This will get better.

[vickyp]

Your emotions are going to fluctuate. This is why I mentioned blocking him because you want to avoid a possible vulnerable moment if he makes contact.

 

Allow those emotions to come over you and work through it. It will pass but it will come back again. Just know that grief is a process and you're going to have to push through. Lean on your friends and family. Post here is you need an outlet.

 

I know how you feel but trust that it won't always be this way. Staying with a man like him would have kept you in indefinite pain. This will get better.

 

Oh hi there Zahara, I know my feelings will fluctuate, and i know its going to be a process. I actually never told me family what happen. Im too embarrassed. Once in my teens i remember telling my mom that someone said i was "ugly" and she freaked !! my mom is a strong european lady. So i could of imagine what she would do if i told her what has happened. He wont call or text me Zahara. I know that. The times i was called names even the

"c" word i was the one to reach out, and even so, never got an apology, I once had asked, why do you say that when you know it hurts me? the reply was because you were acting like one . Zahara are you in Canada?

[Zahara]

He wont call or text me Zahara. I know that. The times i was called names even the

"c" word i was the one to reach out, and even so, never got an apology, I once had asked, why do you say that when you know it hurts me? the reply was because you were acting like one . Zahara are you in Canada?

 

When people say things like that -- it's because deep down inside they hope for contact. We've all done it. I've done it. He won't call -- but secretly we hope they call and we keep that door open because we want to one day receive contact.

 

It's not about knowing it -- it is about taking that extra step to protect yourself. You close all avenues for self-preservation.

 

Like I said before, he's not going to contact you now because you've set a pattern in that you were the one always chasing. There is going to come a day when he will want to control or even use you again -- and to him it means nothing to just reach out and try his luck.

 

I'm not in Canada.

[vickyp]

When people say things like that -- it's because deep down inside they hope for contact. We've all done it. I've done it. He won't call -- but secretly we hope they call and we keep that door open because we want to one day receive contact.

 

It's not about knowing it -- it is about taking that extra step to protect yourself. You close all avenues for self-preservation.

 

Like I said before, he's not going to contact you now because you've set a pattern in that you were the one always chasing. There is going to come a day when he will want to control or even use you again -- and to him it means nothing to just reach out and try his luck.

 

I'm not in Canada.

 

You should be mentor, Yes your correct i secretly want contact. But at the same time if it were to happen i dont know how i would react. Would I lash out? start crying? not answer? I don't know. But i do know, i wouldn't go back. This pain is brutal. Why would i want to kill myself a second around? Same thing when i read posts from others, thinking about going back. Why the hell would you? This stings a lot because ive ever only been in love once before, in my early 20's. This guy was amazing, we never fought once, in our 5 yrs. No wait we did, it would be whos going to hang up the phone first LOL He dead of cancer, and yes it still hurts at times. I have my weak moments thinking about those times. After a few years i dated, and 3 of them broke up with me, but i wasn't hurt. I guess because i wasn't fully in it. Then this d*** comes along, and i did, i open my heart fully, thinking hey were in our 30's he must be mature and wanting something serious. Well I guess i was way off LOL So yes it hurts because i dont allow people to come in, and the one time i did.. look at what happen. Well Zahara if you ever come to Canada i'll buy you a drink, for being a great mentor to me.

[Zahara]

But at the same time if it were to happen i dont know how i would react. Would I lash out? start crying? not answer? I don't know. But i do know, i wouldn't go back. This pain is brutal. Why would i want to kill myself a second around? Same thing when i read posts from others, thinking about going back. Why the hell would you?

 

This is why you block -- to avoid those scenarios. Any possibility of a weak moment. Any possibility of making a wrong decision.

 

Trust me, it's easy to say now why would you go back but you'll be surprised what you will do when you're in pain. The risk of being open to contact is just not worth it.

 

Well I guess i was way off LOL So yes it hurts because i dont allow people to come in, and the one time i did.. look at what happen. Well Zahara if you ever come to Canada i'll buy you a drink, for being a great mentor to me.

 

This is a valuable lesson for you. It may not seem like it now but one day when you're in a stage of indifference and feeling optimistic about life again, you'll look back at this and be thankful for it was a blessing . It is going to push you to work on yourself and the rewards will be well worth it.

 

Thank you, Vicky Glad to help and all this comes from experience and the wisdom garnered from pain. So, let this unfortunate experience help you grow.

[vickyp]

Thank you mentor

[vickyp]

Zahara, do you find it hard to trust people ?

[Zahara]

Zahara, do you find it hard to trust people ?

 

In the beginning, yes. I spent the last few years alone so I'm seeing things in a different perspective. I think taking that time off and working on yourself helps you reenter with a healthier and more intuitive outlook.

[vickyp]

I understand. By doing things that make you happy?

[preraph]

not going to lie, went from feeling a 6 yesterday, back down to a zero

 

Remember that disappointment and emotions over loss are less about loss of that person and more about a temporary loss of hope or a mourning of time wasted. You'll get back on your feet soon. Go hang with friends or go do your favorite thing, and watch some movies that make you laugh. Don't let yourself get mired in depression. It's not worth it.