Bluemoon12345 Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 After 19 years and me moving 10000 miles to another country to be with my partner, I found out from his phone that he has been having an affair for a year. An affair that started a few weeks after a miscarriage. I have no friends or family and have to stay in his house as no where else to go. I am devastated but the betrayals are endless. This weekend he only came back to change his shoes so he could talk his ow to dinner somewhere fancy. I am isolated, alone and bereft. For those whom have been thru a similar situation, what lies ahead of me for the next few weeks? Can it get worse? I fear it can and I don't think I can handle that Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Time to start making plans for your future without him. Seems like one of the highest priorities would be moving back to your point of origin. Any thoughts? As to whether it can get worse.......rather than answer, I'll just say that the way you make it better is by creating a vision of you not dependent on someone who is treating you so badly, and then take steps to make it come true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted April 24, 2017 Author Share Posted April 24, 2017 Thank you. I have moments of trying to be positive. I lost my mother a couple of years ago so I am not unfamiliar with grief. But this is worse. I can't move home as my job necessitates I must stay here for at least another 6 months. If I do return home, I am nearly forty with little hope of a similar or even less job, no savings or home to go to. Until last week, he was supposed to have been planning our future. but I have since learned everything is in his name only. We are not married. I could maybe cope if the betrayals weren't daily and deeply insulting and calculated. When he left Friday, I was visibly sobbing in pain. He didn't text to check in on me and he knows I am on my own. Moving elsewhere in the country fills me with a home sickness horror that I experienced once before and I cannot do again. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 BlueMoon, I am sorry for your pain. I too moved across a country to be with a man and was also cheated on and left bereft. He made sure I didn't have any friends and isolated me from support systems because he was controlling (I didn't see it at the time) While we were splitting up we had to live together for a month and he cut me to the quick to think that every time he went out, it was to see her. Now, you can do this. Firstly, is there nowhere you can go? Friends, family etc. Make an appointment with a solicitor/lawyer and find out what your rights are. Most will give a half-hour consultation for free. Once you have the legal issues sorted you'll be in a better position to make decisions. Good luck and stay strong. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 Nearly 40? In other words, you're in your 30s and in your prime. It's horrible the circumstances you find yourself in, and there are always choices and options. Please don't feel hopeless......you need to cry and scream and collapse for a bit, I'm sure, and then I want you to get up and start working on a plan. We'll help you, please keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 Just found out his ow is five months pregnant. He has just bought a 2 million dollar family home for them. And the reason why he brought me to America? I was hoping to use the law of my country to try to secure a modest settlement as I have no savings. He encouraged me to America to change my residency. I can't launch a case as I am not resident - and I can only return if I give up my job here. So to return, I would be unemployed with no hope of work. And he told me about the affair when he did as no case can be brought against him after he has spent so many months out of that country. I thought I was pretty low in my original post but that was nothing compared to this. I am nearly forty with nothing and no one and a career which is nearly over. I can't sleep or eat. To sleep forever would be a relief. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Are you married? If so then have you seen a lawyer? If you're married then you have a right to live in the marital home, and he can't kick you out even if it's in his name only. You should stay where you are until you've taken proper legal advice. If you're not married then what kind of case and laws are you talking about? If you're not married then you're in a pretty risky situation, he could come home one day and kick you out on the street with no notice. If that's the case then you should start making alternate living arrangements ASAP - even if it's just an emergency backup plan. Long term your options are (a) go back to your country of origin and get a job or (b) stay in your current job and find a new place to live or of course © go somewhere completely new and get a new job. But the best course of action to take would be different depending on whether you're married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 I am nearly forty with little hope of a similar or even less job, no savings or home to go to. Until last week, he was supposed to have been planning our future. but I have since learned everything is in his name only. We are not married. The OP is NOT married, but not only that, everything is in his name only... OP you need to consult a lawyer. As you have been cohabiting for 19 years, you may have some rights in some jurisdictions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 (edited) Oh yes, didn't notice the not married part. It seems a bit strange though. Almost 40, been together for 19 years, so you met when you were around 20. From the way the posts are written it sounds as though you moved to his country relatively recently? Was it a long distance relationship for a long time? How long have you been in his country? It is always worth seeing a lawyer since most do a free initial consultation anyway - you lose nothing. If you've been there a long time, and presumably been contributing to the day to day expenses such as rent/mortgage then you may have a claim on his assets, even if they are all in his name. If you arrived recently then you may be able to claim something based on your relocation expenses. It is ALWAYS worth seeing a lawyer, just to know the facts, even if you can't or don't want to pursue anything. Edited May 11, 2017 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Tell him to pay for you to relocate back to your home country. I bet he will. MM often feel tremendous guilt for wanting to leave their M and family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 I moved to the us last October. I have spoken to a lawyer here and in my home country. For the USA, I have no rights as my time here is so short. My home country lawyer believes the issue of domicile is a major complicating factor. We are not married and my ex (now) daily tells me I am entitled to nothing. He says he has no money now to give me anything as used everything (he has an excellent job and considerable assets) for new house. He regularly threatens me with eviction. He set me up. He encouraged me away from friends and family, premeditated for months my complete destruction emotionally and financially. You may think that maybe I was the horrible one - I can assure you that for three quarters of our 19 years, we had very little. I worked hard to support him in everything. Even when he got his great job and everything became his, I still was there for him in every way. He has been my only partner the whole of my adult life. I don't know if this is normal but he is vicious and ruthless in his pursuit of my demise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 Is this normal though in relationship breakdown or divorce? I come from a conservative country where divorce is still fairly uncommon. He has always been controlling and domineering. But is how he is destroying my life normal? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Is this normal though in relationship breakdown or divorce? I come from a conservative country where divorce is still fairly uncommon. He has always been controlling and domineering. But is how he is destroying my life normal? He wants you gone, so he can continue his life with this new woman and their baby, without an ex of 19 years breathing down his neck and complicating things for him. He's probably not too proud of what he has done, so he wants you out of the way ASAP so he doesn't feel so guilty. Out of sight out of mind. His new gf is probably pressing for him to get rid of you too... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 Btw: I found out about the pregnancy and the address of his new house (which is very close to where we lived) from photos! Those photos were taken according to digital day stamp, one week after he told me of the affair. She looks delighted with herself. He is as proud as can be. Photos don't lie. After 19 years, I am left with nothing with no chance of a family of my own and he wants to obliterate me Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Where did he get the money to purchase the house? From what account? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 ...he wants to obliterate me Don't let him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 11, 2017 Author Share Posted May 11, 2017 When we had nothing, we shared everything. When he got his great job, he separated everything and all assets were in his name only. When reviewing the detail of the case, the us attorney said it was one of the best prepared premeditated situations she had seen. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted May 11, 2017 Share Posted May 11, 2017 Bluemoon I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like be persuading you to move he has set you up. He knows you would have no claim on him for residency reasons. I doubt the relationship with this woman is very recent somehow and may have been ticking along in the background for a while. How come everything is in his name? Did you not have any say in that over the years? I wonder if you can sue him in your own country if you return there? Maybe there are laws there that would have protected you regarding cohabitation. I can imagine how shocked you must be feeling now. I am concerned for your safety as he sounds very calculating indeed. Perhaps you should talk to people at a womens' refuge to see what rights you might have and just to ensure you have someone to keep an eye out for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 12, 2017 Author Share Posted May 12, 2017 His affair has been going on for over a year. Apparently she knew about me from the start. He earns far more than her and she has hit the lottery. Over the years, he assured me all his investments were for both our futures but was better in his name. - now he has no help for me. In March, he encouraged me to seek fertility treatments for us. I found out about the affair from his phone. He had given it to me and she sent him a text. He attacked me for the phone resulting in him hurting my wrist. Ever since he has threatened me daily primarily with putting me out of the house. I am getting ready to move but as I don't know any different, is this normal in these circumstances? I'm struggling with how someone I loved and trusted could be so cruel. He was always controlling but he is vicious Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 is this normal in these circumstances? Sorry to say yes, it is fairly normal to want his ex out of the way as soon as possible so he can continue life with the new woman. Don't be too jealous of her. She has a scheming, malicious cheater for a boyfriend. Chances are, he will cheat on her too, sooner or later, and leave her penniless as well. I wouldn't call that hitting the lottery. Link to post Share on other sites
arzi Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 I understand your pain. My advise is please don't loose your hope and don't depended on others. No one can understand your situation and circumstances better than you. If this life goes like this way, it will hurt you too much. Take a decision and move to origin... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Sometimes, starting over with nothing is the best option... I'd rather be alone with nothing, in charge of my own destiny and not tied to a manipulative, abusive man than stuck in an unhappy and abusive marriage. Consider yourself lucky, you have the chance to start over and be free of this man. And never be jealous of the other woman... She has to stay with this man who is going to use and abuse her until he tires of her too... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluemoon12345 Posted May 20, 2017 Author Share Posted May 20, 2017 The last few weeks has been hell as my partner of 19 years admitted to a year long affair. I am preparing to move on but before I do: I want to confront him with the truth. He has lied to me for a very long time but I know his ow is pregnant. Should I confront him with this? I just want him to tell me the truth. I am so tired of his lies. I have been so quiet and meek in what is a coldly calculated situation where he has emotionally and psychologically abused me, isolating ne in a foreign country with no friends or family. Would standing up for myself help? I'm not expecting miracles but just want to show him I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am. Link to post Share on other sites
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