Lying and Stripclubs

[Bg1309]

How do couples work though a partner lying? I'm assuming therapy is an important step, which I plan to start this week, but what happens if that doesn't work? I'm starting to think I'm married to a liar, and hopefully not a cheater.

 

It all started a couple of months back when my husband lied to my face about a situation with a family member. He had forgotten he lied to me about it and ended up accidentally telling the truth a couple of weeks later (idiot!). Lie one.

 

Fast forward to this weekend when he joined a group of guys in Vegas for one his best friend's bachelor parties. My husband rarely does things with his friends since everyone is in different states so I was very excited for him when he mentioned this trip. I think doing things separately in a relationship is extremely healthy and since he doesn't get a whole lot of guy time, I felt he was more than deserving to have a fun weekend. That was until the lying began...

 

It started out small. Thanks to social media, I saw that the guys were hanging out with some girls. Which yeah, it's Vegas, it's a bachelor party, I expected girls to be present during parts of the trip. When I mentioned to my husband that I saw the pictures/videos, he informed me that the girls in pink bikinis were waitresses and "it was only guys and the waitresses". Then the next video surfaced, and in the last 2 seconds of it I saw girls in black bikinis. It seemed odd to me that my husband was so keen on explaining the waitresses, since "those were the only girls there", but these other girls weren't mentioned. I decided to brush it off because at the end of the day, simply being around women isn't crossing a boundary to me.

 

Fast forward to the next morning, where my husband mentioned he didn't think it was cool how I was "weird" about waitresses being around them. Lie number 2. I informed him that I was aware that there were actually other girls that I saw in their cabana too, and I think it's odd he's not mentioning them. He just kept saying that "it was a pool in Vegas, girls were everywhere and no girls were in our cabana". Next day, he ended confessing that girls actually WERE in their cabana. Lie three. Again, I dropped it there because the guys were just drinking and talking with the girls as far as I knew.

 

Lie number 4 really just takes the cake. Before he and I got married, he had big plans to go to strip clubs for his bachelor party. We had a couple of very mature, calm talks about it and I explained that him going to to strip clubs crosses a boundary for me. I asked him how he would feel if I did the same and he said he too was not okay with it. So we had this agreement, and this agreement took place only six months ago.

 

When I picked my husband up from the airport I knew something was wrong. I didn't want to come out accusing him of anything so I did everything in my power to ignore the gut wrenching feeling I had. We chatted for a bit, he ended admitting more and more details about the girls I had seen, which ended up confirming my suspicions.

 

Once we got home, we relaxed, had sex, and something still felt off. I turned to him and asked if they had gone to any strip clubs and he immediately said "no, I think five of the guys went but most of stayed at the casino". We sat in silence for 5 minutes and he turned to me and admitted they he gone to one and I've been crying ever since.

 

I've never felt so betrayed in my life. I am heartbroken, confused, and down right pissed. How could he do this to me? Flat out disrespected boundaries, boundaries that we BOTH agreed to. I can't stop thinking about the fact that he looked me in the eye and said no. There's an ounce of a silver lining here in that he ended up telling me the truth, but now I don't know what to believe. What really happened in Vegas? I can't get an honest answer out of him and now I'm questioning everything. Will he ever want to tell me the truth again with the way I'm currently reacting?

 

It's apparent we need to get help. And I'm hoping he will open to it. But I just can't see how that's going to fix this. How am I ever going to feel comfortable around him again? I have scenarios constantly running through my head about what might have gone down in Vegas and now I'll never know.

 

If anyone has gone though something similar, or just has advice, please let me know. Not to sound dramatic, because I know so many couples have gone through so much worse, but I feel like a part of my marriage (the most important part: trust) just died.

[d0nnivain]

I can't say that I have been there but you do need to find out why your husband lied.

 

 

I don't care about strip clubs but that's me. You do & you thought you had an agreement with your DH about them. Him breaking that promise is a big deal. However, I can't imagine a Vegas bachelor party that didn't involve strip clubs. (I'm actually worried about my husband going to an upcoming Vegas bachelor party, not because of the strip clubs but because I don't trust this groom or his other friends not to organize a trip to a brothel. Strippers I don't mind; hookers are another issue).

 

 

Do schedule some MC & hopefully a therapist can get to the root of why your husband wasn't mentally / emotionally strong enough not to cave under the peer pressure.

[GunslingerRoland]

You put your husband in a tough situation. You've told him strip clubs are a no go. But he was at a bachelor party in Vegas with his friends. Of course they were going to go to a strip club and what was he supposed to do, say , no sorry i'm not allowed. I've been at bachelor parties before where one person there was unable to come to the strip club, and it just leads to an awkward situation where they get stuck going home alone while the rest of the party goes on.

 

Especially in Vegas on vacation, the last thing he wants to do is go back to the room by himself.

 

I can see not wanting your husband going to strip clubs, and for his own bachelor party he was in charge of that choice, but when it comes to someone else's bachelor party he doesn't have that control and you have to be reasonable.

 

Put yourself in that situation mentally (because it'll happen one of these days too).

 

I'm not trying to condone his lying but you put him in a completely no win situation, and are now wondering why he lost.

[smackie9]

I understand you feel it is inappropriate for a married man to be going to strip clubs and what not. And your husband knew this...as they say it's easier to ask for forgiveness, than for permission.

 

You gave him no choice but to lie because you would have made him cancel his ticket and stay home. Sometimes you have to cut them some slack since it was just a one time thing. I know that YOU KNEW it was inevitable that he was going to go to strip clubs to celebrate with his friends. You could have just told him before he left, "I know what's planned, don't get arrested, behave yourself, watch out for your buddy and have fun". That's when you get total respect....if you are open with them, they will be open with you. That kind of thing really sticks with your partner...that you trust them.

 

I don't condone lying either, but I hope with counseling you both can make a compromise about situations like this where lying isn't needed.

[Purepony]

You put your husband in a tough situation. You've told him strip clubs are a no go. But he was at a bachelor party in Vegas with his friends. Of course they were going to go to a strip club and what was he supposed to do, say , no sorry i'm not allowed. I've been at bachelor parties before where one person there was unable to come to the strip club, and it just leads to an awkward situation where they get stuck going home alone while the rest of the party goes on.

 

Especially in Vegas on vacation, the last thing he wants to do is go back to the room by himself.

 

I can see not wanting your husband going to strip clubs, and for his own bachelor party he was in charge of that choice, but when it comes to someone else's bachelor party he doesn't have that control and you have to be reasonable.

 

Put yourself in that situation mentally (because it'll happen one of these days too).

 

I'm not trying to condone his lying but you put him in a completely no win situation, and are now wondering why he lost.

 

Thts not true he's in full control !!!unless they put a gun to his head even then he could have chose to get blasted... there is always a choice

[Davey L]

Thts not true he's in full control !!!unless they put a gun to his head even then he could have chose to get blasted... there is always a choice

 

Sure he has a choice. But no guy would want to be the one to pull the handbrake on a fun lads night out. Nor would he want to admit to the lads that he's henpecked and "not allowed" to go to a strip club. Better to go along with the lads and pretend to be enjoying it. Then likely he just wants to avoid the conflict by not telling you about it.

 

Give the guy a break!

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

While I admit it has been many years since I have been in Vegas (early 80's when the Mob still controlled the town and it was much more seedy than it is now so I am dating myself here), I submit to you that you, like anyone else, are fully entitled to state what is a deal breaker for you.

 

That being said, if your husband was able to rattle off a series of 4 lies in such a short span of time, then you have every right to be angry.

 

The thing about lies is that in a lot of cases they exacerbate an explainable situation into an impossible one.

 

I've dated more than one stripper, and while it is true that some are more than happy to have a side gig as a hooker, their common mission statement is to take a mark for as many dollars as they can as fast as they can and move onto the next sucker.

 

So obviously before you forgive your husband for his lies, please attempt to get him to understand that you need to know exactly what it is what he hopes you will be forgiving him for. And by that I mean he needs to be totally transparent with you about what transpired the entire time he was thee.

 

Like the holidays, a boys or girls trip to Vegas is a surefire way that any relationship problems will end up surfacing.

 

If you are going to an MC session, it is imperative that your MC understands that they need to make that session a safe place for your husband to be able to be transparent.

 

MC's are a dime a dozen and many have no experience in infidelity issues. So your best bet to get the truth in the session is to make your husband not feel like the 2 of you are going to gang up on him.

 

Also request he write out a timeline for you of the details of the weekend so you have a baseline by which he has only on shot at no omitting said details.

[preraph]

Strip clubs are objectionable on many different levels for me, not the least of which is the treatment of the women and how young they are and how most of them came from some household with bad boundaries or worse. But that's another subject.

 

In Vegas prostitution is legal, and many strippers are prostitutes, though in Vegas, there's a wide variety of levels of sex workers.

 

He broke a vow that you made before you married him. And he's lying to you. So now your choices are let him go or never let him out of your sight. Maybe you should ask him which of the two he prefers. But your relationship won't be the same with you having to be in the role of hall monitor to this lying little boy.

 

This was a bachelor party and they had it in Vegas because prostitutes are a dime a dozen there. They hired girls. Now what he did with them, who knows, but he's lied about everything else.

[Space Ritual]

In Vegas prostitution is legal,

 

Wrong

 

although in areas of Nevada legal Brothels are operational, Clark County, Nevada, where Las Vegas is located, is not one of those areas.

[Shanex]

Aye. Las Vegas, i.e Clark County is the only area of Nevada where prostitution is illegal. But lets not kid ourselves.. There's a culture of prostitution in the city too. I mean, people also drink and drive, smoke pot and drive in the Sin City so...

 

I was in Vegas only a couple years ago and you can see many, many guys handing these "massage" cards to people, and preferably single dudes walking in the city.

 

Strip clubs arent normally allowing any kind of prostitution yet behind the scene and for some extra bucks some girls will go further. Lap dance. Or possibly more.

 

Brothels are common outside of the city in the rest of Nevada and I also find it very seedy, and unappealing. It's nowhere as safe as having an independent escort, doing some extra out of a regular job to cover the bills. But I digress.

 

He lied a number of times. Honestly I rarely chime in in these threads where the folks are married because I have zero experience with that. However, when you eventually find out the reason he lied, will you be able to trust him again or suggest he never goes to Nevada again?

 

Best of luck.

[preraph]

I was mistaken. Because it's so widespread there I thought they'd legalized it to control the disease factor and get rid of pimps. That's scary.

[viatori patuit]

I can't stand strip clubs. Bunch of greedy women playing to guys egos.

 

But....

 

If it's a bachelor party and the group is headed there I probably go. I stand in the back or away from the stage and don't participate. I have had maybe three lap dances my entire life. Just doesn't turn me on to pay someone to pretend to be into me.

 

I might find out a bit more if I were in that situation. He really sounds nervous about upsetting you. I would bet if you talked to him he might tell you that he did not want to make you mad. In guy logic that means you do something guaranteed to piss a woman off.

 

 

I always counsel caution and observation when dealing with contentious issues. Might find out it's a fight you don't have to have.

[elaine567]

How well do you actually know your husband?

I doubt he just started lying to you in the last few months. I guess you have just newly cottoned on.

 

I am also unsure why you were so excited for him to go to a bachelor party in Vegas, that was pretty naive of you to think he was just going to Vegas for some "guy time".

Women, strippers, lap dancers and prostitutes are par for the course.

No-one seems to go there just for the scenery or the beer do they?

[Mandy91]

I feel like a part of my marriage (the most important part: trust) just died.

 

For me the girls and the strip club wouldn't matter. In fact at a bachelor party I would expect a stripper, well maybe not expect but I wouldn't be surprised.

 

But a non-negotiable to me is trust. Once lost it is very hard to regain. You have listed multiple lies. Someone might get a chance but not multiple chances. This would be a deal breaker for me.

[smackie9]

This is what it boils down to....he is afraid to communicate with you, which is a bad sign and will be the demise of your marriage if it continues. It's time to focus on the fact he couldn't bring himself to have a discussion with you that he was going to be going to a few strip clubs this one time, even tho he made a promise that he wasn't going to. This is what happens in a marriage...things do change, you have to learn to make compromises here and there. Once he knows he can come to you and have a discussion with honest and fair results, he will no longer feel the need to lie. Just need to readjust the way you broach subjects with each other....possibly will have to properly discover this through counseling.

[preraph]

He's just been lying his butt off, and I don't see how that's her fault. They'd already talked this through a long time ago and he knew it was a dealbreaker for her.

[Dru76]

He's just been lying his butt off, and I don't see how that's her fault. They'd already talked this through a long time ago and he knew it was a dealbreaker for her.

 

Seriously.

[d0nnivain]

I asked my husband about this. He agreed with the guy perspective that it was unrealistic to think that a Vegas bachelor party wouldn't include strippers & that it's really tough to be the guy who bows out.

 

 

OP, let me ask you this. If when you saw the pictures of the bikini girls your husband had told you they were random women the guys were flirting with. what would you have done? If you would have screamed at him, demanded he leave or worse come home immediately, you & him need to work on your communication. Even though he promised he would not go to strip clubs, if he confessed that he went, without you having to drag it out of him, what would you have done? Had I been in your shoes & my husband broke a promise to me that was important to me, I probably would have started crying. From there I probably would have been progressed to yelling or being hurt but eventually I would have come around to being happy he told me the truth so we could talk about how / why the initial promise got broken.

 

 

Yes, it sucks big time that your husband broke this promise. The lying is more problematic.

 

 

Fact remains: you have to figure out where to go from here. Do you want a divorce over this? Is your trust irreparably broken? Has he apologized? Do you want him to?

[Titanll]

I'm with all of the folks saying that you are putting him in a bad position telling him he can't go to a strip club. Next thing you know you'll be telling him he can't have sex with other women. How dare you put that kind of limitation on him? I mean, all of the other guys were doing it!

 

I have been to about 10 bachelor's parties...never been to a strip club yet. My buds are cool. I've been bike camping, skiing, etc. Yeah, we drink a bit and tell naughty stories but women are not part of the trip. We all love women...I mean really, really love women! But the trip has never been a glorified excuse to flirt or act single.

 

Would I go to a strip club if asked? I'd pass. Nothing wrong with things like that but I'm not interested. I would dare say that picking up a chick at a bar is much easier than in a strip club anyway. Lying about it? Not acceptable.

 

Lying is the only issue here. I am cold and decisive in my relationships dealing with something like this so my advice is worthless here. You have a marriage and hopefully things can be worked out but you have every right to be hurt, pissed, and concerned.

[Dis]

Lots of trickle truths....

 

Do you really think the worst thing he did was stepping into a strip club???

 

Because I don't

[EZNona]

He's just been lying his butt off, and I don't see how that's her fault. They'd already talked this through a long time ago and he knew it was a dealbreaker for her.

 

Some of these posts are alarming. Blaming the OP for her man lying because he had no other choice?? Like what??

 

A few months ago, my BF was at his company's Christmas party and all the guys were drunk out of their mind and wanted to go to a strip club. They begged and pressured my guy to go and do you want to know what my drunk-off-his-behind BF said in response?? A clear as day "No" and that I wouldn't appreciate it and I had better boobies than a stripper anyway (I told you he was drunk). They insisted and insisted and showed him pictures to convince him. But he never wavered and brought his butt to my place instead while they all went off to the kit kat club. He was able to make a grown-up decision without even having a discussion with me first about it.

 

But then again, he knew he would've lost his life that day had he made the wrong choice.

 

And this why a man in a committed relationship going to Vegas for a bachelor party is usually not a good idea. Just a recipe for disaster.

[Bg1309]

Thank you to those who have replied. I appreciate everyone's unbiased opinions.

 

With that being said, to those who feel he had no other choice or that I put him in a bad position...I don't want to know what type of relationship you have or what kind of person you are. If you are someone who is incapable of making you're own decisions then I feel bad for you.

 

Now that the shock factor of everything has died down a little, I've been able to process things a little more clearly. I know my original post mentioned that I hope my husband isn't a cheater, and that was rather harsh. For whatever reason, I believe that my husband didn't cheat. If he were a cheater, he would have cheated long ago and it probably wouldn't be in Vegas with a stripper or a hooker. However, boundaries were crossed by him going to a stripclub and trust was broken with the lies that were told.

 

He and I have had several discussions about everything that went down. It was difficult because I had so many questions but when someone breaks your trust you just assume everything is a lie. Really the only thing that's going to repair this is time and my husband's behavior. I've thankfully seen him the most ashamed of himself I ever have in my life the last couple of days.

 

What I've also realized as I've processed things is what's most hurtful was that he felt like he couldn't be truthful with me. Granted he knew I'd be upset about the stripclub part because of our previous conversations about them, but I don't understand why he tried covering up the other minor things. We don't have a jealous controlling relationship where we forbid one another to converse with people of the opposite sex, so when I asked him why he didn't feel he could be honest that they hung out with girls for a little bit at the pool party I was confused.

 

For me personally, this is going to be a learning experience. I would not divorce my husband over this, but I'm definitely going to learn from it and never forget it and hope that he too has learned from this. I guess all I can say is if anyone thinks it's best to try to cover up the truth from your spouse, just don't. The truth always comes out and it's ten times more hurtful for both individuals if it was initially covered in lies.

[d0nnivain]

BG1309

 

 

You expressed more eloquently what I was trying to say . . . that the motivation for the lies is most troubling. I am encouraged for your marriage that your husband appears ashamed & remorseful and that you are taking the long view with an eye toward keeping your marriage together despite this problem; at least you don't think he cheated.

 

 

I wish you both well. Hopefully this was a one time thing & there are no more Vegas bachelor parties in your future

[Bg1309]

Oh definitely no more trips to Vegas (bachelor party or not). And those were his words not mine!

[Miss Peach]

I just posted what happened with my BF on page 7 of this thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/623654-still-not-over-his-frequent-strip-club-visits-7.html#post7316379

 

In BF's case, his XW would have killed him and turned it into a big fight. I am not that way but still he was very nervous coming to me.

 

I was hurt he thought he could justify other women touching him and touching other women. If the roles were reversed he would have been angry at me. I don't care if it's in a club or not, but that is the mentality of a single man; not one in a relationship. I told him I'm happy to let him live the single life if that's how he wanted to act.

 

Like you, the biggest issue I had was from the lies. He needs to earn my trust now and show me he's ready to keep his agreement. He also needs to show me he can communicate at my level like an adult.