Lying and Stripclubs

[starrynight4321]

Wait wait WAIT...her husband lied several times and SHE'S the one to blame? Is that what some people here are trying to imply? No! She did not put him in a tough situation. He's a grown man. I mean, what happens if he says he's not going to the strip club? Will he not get chosen to play on the dodgeball team?

 

1. OP did nothing wrong. Do not listen to any of this perpetuation of "boys will be boys" nonsense. You had a clear boundary, he agreed, and he lied. HE put himself in a tough situation - not you.

 

2. Nobody wants to be the guy that makes the night awkward by avoiding the strip club....but they do want to be the guy that destroys their wife's trust, lies to her face, and violates a clearly known boundary? Really, is that what we're going with? Because having a couple buddies temporarily feel awkward about you not going to a strip club is a lot worse than breaking the trust of the person who has your back every single day...? Interesting.

 

3. TONS of people go to vegas for bachelor parties and DON'T go to strip clubs. They aren't required, they aren't expected, and they aren't necessary. Let's not make excuses as if he had no choice - he had a definite choice, and he CHOSE to go with the option that hurt his wife.

 

4. She does NOT have to be "reasonable" if being "reasonable," means she has to compromise HER extremely valid feelings to accommodate some other guy's feelings about his bachelor party. Sorry, but I think trust within a marriage is a LOT more important than a night at a strip club for your buddy who is getting married.

 

5. This is not a completely no-win situation. Even when guys do go to strip clubs, some men hang back and opt not to go. It's awkward for 5 minutes. I'll take "awkward for 5 minutes," over destroying a spouse's trust and hurting her feelings any day. I'll also take "staying in the hotel room" over "making wife cry for days and days," too. It's not a complicated situation. It's actually very simple.

 

OP, your husband clearly has a lying problem because he seems to give you one lie after the other. You need to be clear with him that this type of crap is not acceptable and that he has to regain your trust. One of the worst things people do in a relationship is blame themselves for what is CLEARLY the other person's error. Don't do that.

[salparadise]

Interesting how binary the reactions seem to be. We have the hard edged female perspective on strip clubs being strictly taboo, even at a Vegas bachelor party, vs. the perspective that if OP weren't such ball-crusher that he wouldn't have had to lie about anything. No middle ground.

 

I guess I lean more toward the ball-crusher perspective, but I do believe there is some middle ground. First, I'll affirm that the lying was the big mistake. OP's husband should've just said, yea, we went to a strip club and there were women... and rest assured, my dear, I didn't touch'em. Ideally, he would've had the chutzpah to say that and let BG1309 go through her spin cycle all by herself. But apparently the dynamic within this relationship is that she makes the rules and he's supposed to be obedient, or else.

 

I've been to a few bachelor's parties in my time (not in Vegas), and guess what they all have in common... scantily clad women shakin' that thang in guys face's, trying to get them to stuff large bills in their g-string. Yea, of course it's ridiculous. But equally ridiculous is sending a man off to a bachelor party in Vegas and expecting that he's going to retire to the hotel room and watch a Disney movie because wifey won't be happy if his eyes behold a stripper at a Vegas bachelor party!

 

I'm a man who doesn't go to strip clubs. I think I've only been once, and that was New Orleans a long time ago. I went in because my good friend that I was traveling with wanted to. I'm only relating this to explain that I'm almost as averse to strip clubs as the OP. But I don't think they're so evil that anyone who walks in the door is in danger of falling into the abyss.

 

The short version... OP is wound a little tight on this subject, and possibly has controlling, domineering proclivities in her relationship. And her husband is so appeasing and afraid of unleashing her wrath that he made the unfortunate choice to trickle truth about the situation. And whomever the idiot was that posted those videos probably ought to be tasered! Everyone knows that what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas.

[Gemma1]

Here's another middle ground.

 

OP didn't force her husband to lie to her, that's preposterous.. Her husband just bit off more than he could chew with his promises. He clearly feels differently about strip clubs than she does and he shouldn't have agreed to a blanket "I'll never go to a strip club." He should have told her that while he won't go to strip clubs on his own, he also won't sit in a hotel room while all his friends go to a club during a bachelor party.

 

The lying is NOT her fault, even though I do think she's a bit too controlling and pretty naive to think this wouldn't happen at a bachelor party. It's her husband's fault for not putting his foot down about his own boundaries. This is the kind of thing you need to get on the same page about early on, and it sounds like OP tried to do that. It's her husband's fault for agreeing to something he didn't really agree with her on, just because he thought it would make his life easier. Or maybe he thought it would be easier to stick to the promise than it was. He just wasn't thinking.

 

It seems like men are often making promises they can't keep with regards to porn, strip clubs, fidelity, etc. They need to be honest with themselves and put their foot down early on. If the person they are dating doesn't agree then they shouldn't get married. But too often, these things are coming up as problems many years into a marriage. That's just not the way to do things.

Edited May 21, 2017 by Gemma1

[smackie9]

Here's another middle ground.

 

OP didn't force her husband to lie to her, that's preposterous.. Her husband just bit off more than he could chew with his promises. He clearly feels differently about strip clubs than she does and he shouldn't have agreed to a blanket "I'll never go to a strip club." He should have told her that while he won't go to strip clubs on his own, he also won't sit in a hotel room while all his friends go to a club during a bachelor party.

 

The lying is NOT her fault, even though I do think she's a bit too controlling and pretty naive to think this wouldn't happen at a bachelor party. It's her husband's fault for not putting his foot down about his own boundaries. This is the kind of thing you need to get on the same page about early on, and it sounds like OP tried to do that. It's her husband's fault for agreeing to something he didn't really agree with her on, just because he thought it would make his life easier. Or maybe he thought it would be easier to stick to the promise than it was. He just wasn't thinking.

 

It seems like men are often making promises they can't keep with regards to porn, strip clubs, fidelity, etc. They need to be honest with themselves and put their foot down early on. If the person they are dating doesn't agree then they shouldn't get married. But too often, these things are coming up as problems many years into a marriage. That's just not the way to do things.

I agree...*I didn't mean it was all the OP's fault...I meant HE felt he had no choice, which says he is afraid to communicate with his own wife. If he isn't comfortable to discuss this, that's a breakdown in trust on both ends, not just the OP's.

 

OP I would no just rely on his promise to swear off bachelor parties....you both need to get to counseling and learn to communicate with each other...you both need an attitude adjustment, or a change in perspective.

Edited May 21, 2017 by smackie9

[elaine567]

Everyone goes on about boundaries and that boundaries if clearly drawn and discussed need to be respected.

Here a boundary was clearly drawn and discussed and agreed upon and now it is somehow the OPs fault for her bf lying to her?

The poor bf is somehow being bullied...

 

Communication was in fact excellent over the subject of strip clubs.

 

Before he and I got married, he had big plans to go to strip clubs for his bachelor party. We had a couple of very mature, calm talks about it and I explained that him going to to strip clubs crosses a boundary for me. I asked him how he would feel if I did the same and he said he too was not okay with it. So we had this agreement, and this agreement took place only six months ago.

 

The fact he decided to cross that boundary, break the agreement and lie about it, is all on him.

[HereNorThere]

I don't normally advocate lying but at the same time, I just can't imagine being with anyone so controlling she'd prohibit me from seeing another woman on stage's breasts. I mean, that's pretty controlling. Do you allow him to watch cable or is that a no go as well? Do you monitor his internet usage, etc?

 

Be his lover or be his mother but you can't be both. If you want the truth, you need to be a safe person to confide in. Otherwise, you're going to get lied to by everyone in your life like you're a cop or something.

 

Found this for you -

[Miss Peach]

I don't normally advocate lying but at the same time, I just can't imagine being with anyone so controlling she'd prohibit me from seeing another woman on stage's breasts. I mean, that's pretty controlling. Do you allow him to watch cable or is that a no go as well? Do you monitor his internet usage, etc?

 

Be his lover or be his mother but you can't be both. If you want the truth, you need to be a safe person to confide in. Otherwise, you're going to get lied to by everyone in your life like you're a cop or something.

 

Found this for you -

 

I'm not the OP but I was really hurt in a similar situation. I don't have an issue with BF looking at women. I actually probably check out women more than he does. I also have more experience dating women than BF does.

 

I have an issue with the touching and other stuff he does during lap dances and such. Plus BF seems to think these strippers want to be his friend. Especially when I don't have the same standards being applied towards myself. BF would be devastated if I did that stuff with another man. Yet he did these things behind my back. That hurts and it breaks trust.

 

The only rule I had for BF at the beginning as that we had to do discuss these things ahead of time, have brutally honest communication, and do things as a team. I'm bi and totally would have been up for some kinky fun... not in any way controlling. I don't want to police him or mother him but I do expect to be with someone I can trust.