A letter to my Wayward Husband

[Mrscommited]

Keep writing letters to him but don't send them. It's therapeutic for you.

 

Are you two in marriage counseling again currently?

 

Time will tell if your husband is truly able to commit to you and want to give 100 percent, and work on himself too. He has to understand what's broken inside of him and fix himself. And of course be in COMPLETE NC with the exOW.

 

Thanks. We've taken a break from MC while he has psychotherapy at my request. He was very willing to do that. He has always maintained the affair was about what was lacking in himself and not about my shortcomings or the OW's attributes.

 

Yes, time will tell.

 

The frustrating thing is not knowing for sure whether he has maintained NC this time. They are colleagues but in different departments. I need proof this time to be honest but I've no idea how to get that. How do you prove something isn't happening anyway?

[cocorico]

He is keen to reconcile.

 

I'd be wary that his keenness isn't being heightened by this:

 

The lease is up on your flat in about 5 weeks.

 

I'm not saying that he's not serious about reconciling - only time will tell. But given that the end of his lease is looming, he may be investing heavily in convincing you to take him back ahead of his deadline on his lease.

 

From his POV, if you take him back before his lease expires, it proves to him you're still a serious option for him. This leaves him "in control" - he knows you're still committed to R, so if he "chose" you, he'd get you. He may, or may not, be keepers no his options open with his OW, too. If you don't take him back before his lease expires, he doesn't have you "in the bag". His options aren't that open anymore. He needs to work harder to convince you - you're not a done deal.

 

Especially given that:

 

But he's been keen before and got back in touch with her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you very much. To be honest, there's nothing in it that I haven't already said to his face. He cries and expresses remorse often. We had a lovely marriage and have beautiful kids. I still do love him and I know he never stopped loving me. I think it's simply too soon to make any big decisions but talking on here helps. Perhaps the temperature needs to lower so that I can make a good decision.

 

I agree with others that you should not let him move back home until you are absolutley sure that is what you want.

 

I will also say that sometimes...telling someone how we feel...does not penetrate as deeply as READING how someone feels. So even if you have told him all these things...it doesn't mean he was listening. Sometimes we have selective hearing....especially when we know we are wrong.

 

I have no doubt he was a good husband and father....I have no doubt you still love him...and somewhere deep within.. that guy you have always loved is still in there....but right now...he is not the man you loved....and until he faces the reality of what he has actually caused...he wont be.

 

Your letter could truly be the thing that makes him take a hard look at himself.

 

If you have a repentant wayward...who is sincere and understands what they have done...they dont repeat the offense. It sounds like your husband is not "getting it"....and he might need a little help in that area..

[whichwayisup]

Thanks. We've taken a break from MC while he has psychotherapy at my request. He was very willing to do that. He has always maintained the affair was about what was lacking in himself and not about my shortcomings or the OW's attributes.

 

Yes, time will tell.

 

The frustrating thing is not knowing for sure whether he has maintained NC this time. They are colleagues but in different departments. I need proof this time to be honest but I've no idea how to get that. How do you prove something isn't happening anyway?

 

They can't continue to work in the same place, even if different departments! There's no way of knowing if they chat in the hallway or make eye contact when passing one another. All that is not going to help you regain any trust/faith in him. Has he offered to find another job?

 

If he is going to continue to cheat and you find out about it (hire a PI) then might as well file for divorce. He'd be real dumb to open that door again after everything he's put you through!

 

He should go to counseling on his own and work on his issues. And you go on your own as well.

[Confused48]

 

I know he never stopped loving me.

 

Really? Well if that kind of treatment is love you can have it.

 

I'd say he never stopped loving being able to take advantage of your trust and love towards him. Now that he sees you are on to him, he is doing all he can to save his source of trust and love.

 

Love is actions, not words. His actions do not show love. He wants you both, that is not love. That is entitlement, selfishness and self absorption.

[Mrscommited]

They can't continue to work in the same place, even if different departments! There's no way of knowing if they chat in the hallway or make eye contact when passing one another. All that is not going to help you regain any trust/faith in him. Has he offered to find another job?

 

If he is going to continue to cheat and you find out about it (hire a PI) then might as well file for divorce. He'd be real dumb to open that door again after everything he's put you through!

 

He should go to counseling on his own and work on his issues. And you go on your own as well.

 

He' been actively job hunting for ages. Before I knew about the affair he was trying to leave because he was too weak to to stop the affair. He has something in the pipeline that will hopefully work out.

 

He's having therapy and I said I'd run to MC when I'm ready.

[Furious]

Did your husband move out on his own accord or was it your request?

[Spring23]

Agreed. I am bloody angry. I was pretty "big" about everything when he first confessed but two false reconciliations have pushed me over my limit. I don't know when the rage will subside but I know it's counter productive to reconciliation. Perhaps I have to accept that and put things on hold or proceed with divorce. I change my mind every five minutes. I still love him and I don't believe he stopped loving me. But this need a lot more than just love.

 

From what you've posted (which is all I know about the situation) I think he has done too much damage. I mean...if he started going to all kinds of massive cheating anonymous meetings (if there is such a thing) and spoke daily with a religious figure trying to find out how he can modify his behavior because he's so disgusted with himself...then maybe he can change. But I don't get that feeling.

 

I think if you take him back he'll do it again only this time you'll be older and even more bitter.

 

There are other men out there to choose from. This one might be a lemon.

[elaine567]

If he is going to continue to cheat and you find out about it (hire a PI) then might as well file for divorce. He'd be real dumb to open that door again after everything he's put you through!

 

Hiring a PI may not be a bad idea, he will not be the first MM (on the surface reconciling with his wife whilst living apart) to still be calling the OW for sex and to keep her on board.

 

We have OWs on here all the time unable to say "no" to their MM, no matter how badly he treats her and despite him still toing and froing back and fore to the wife.

 

The OP wants definite answers, a PI may be able to give her some.

[aileD]

Here's a challenge.

 

Try rewriting the letter from an "I am " or "I feel" standpoint instead of the "you did this and you did that an you are this and you are that" standpoint.

 

There is a way to let him know how crushed he made you without spewing hatred and shame towards him.

 

If you weren't considering reconciling, it wouldn't matter but if you do? It will help to learn how to communicate in "I" ways instead of "you" ways

[aliveagain]

Should you decide he deserves another chance do so only with his agreeing to a brutal postnuptial agreement that gives you full custody of your children, minimum 80% of all the marital assets and agreeing to a polygraph test at any future time as you require with 24 hours notice. If he doesn't honour his word or your boundaries perhaps a financial consequence will get his attention. To most people it's 3 strikes and your out but this is your life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Here's a challenge.

 

Try rewriting the letter from an "I am " or "I feel" standpoint instead of the "you did this and you did that an you are this and you are that" standpoint.

 

There is a way to let him know how crushed he made you without spewing hatred and shame towards him.

 

If you weren't considering reconciling, it wouldn't matter but if you do? It will help to learn how to communicate in "I" ways instead of "you" ways

 

and please tell me what is wrong with her spewing hatred and shame? She HATES what he did to her and she is ASHAMED of his behavior.

 

 

For god's sake....she doesnt have to coddle this man...she's his WIFE and he betrayed HER

 

Why does she need to treat him gently and passively? She's pissed...he should know she's pissed.

 

betrayed spouses deserve to be treated with respect....he has continued to lie and cheat all the while declaring his love and devotion.

 

I am all for treating others with kindness...but not after they have kicked me in the gut several times...there comes a time to fight back and take charge and become demanding.

 

She doesn't need to roll over and play dead ...and do the pick me dance. It sounds to me like she has plenty of grit and has every right to tell him exactly how she feels without mincing words....and if it hurts his little feelings...he will get over it.

 

There was one conversation John and i had early on in our reconciliation that i beleive changed things....i was argueing with him about my behavior...becasue you know...we are never as bad as you say we are....and he glared at me and said god damn it...will you just listen to yourself.

 

Well first..he had never talked to me like that before...and second...he was right.

 

Not only do I think this letter is great....I think a letter from each of his children expressing how they feel might be a little wake up call as well.

 

Sometimes we deserve to be reprimanded. This might be one of those times.

 

We do not have to be politically correct to a cheating lying spouse. They know where the door is...they walked out it and into the arms of another person with no difficulty. They get to walk back in when they can start behaving like they understand what they have done.

[Spring23]

We do not have to be politically correct to a cheating lying spouse. They know where the door is...they walked out it and into the arms of another person with no difficulty. They get to walk back in when they can start behaving like they understand what they have done.

 

She can send the letter. But anything you say can and will be used against you and if there is physical evidence it's even worse.

 

It's in the OP's best interest to seek a lawyer and ask him how she should proceed.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She can send the letter. But anything you say can and will be used against you and if there is physical evidence it's even worse.

 

It's in the OP's best interest to seek a lawyer and ask him how she should proceed.

 

I absolutley think she should see a lawyer...agree 100%

 

however...there is nothing that i can see in her letter to incriminate herself. Her letter is a declaration of the things HE has done.

 

But I am not a lawyer....

[BTDT2012]

Don't lest his lease expiration force you into a decision that you aren't ready to make.

[Whodatdog]

This is the OPs life, and she has to decide whats best for her.

 

But I dont think its reasonable to think this husband wont cheat again.

[Spring23]

I absolutley think she should see a lawyer...agree 100%

 

however...there is nothing that i can see in her letter to incriminate herself. Her letter is a declaration of the things HE has done.

 

But I am not a lawyer....

 

IMHO over the top emotional letters are never a good thing even if they'e truthful. It could make her look bad, unstable or...well whatever. She should show the letter to a lawyer. I'm 100% sure the lawyer will advise her not to send it.

[whichwayisup]

IMHO over the top emotional letters are never a good thing even if they'e truthful. It could make her look bad, unstable or...well whatever. She should show the letter to a lawyer. I'm 100% sure the lawyer will advise her not to send it.

 

How could her honesty and pain from HIS betrayal make her look unstable in that letter? There's nothing in there that's threatening to harm him or herself, it's hurt and anger. He's the one who created this mess not her and it's unfair to make her kind of look the bad guy here. She's smart, together and well articulated.

[BluesPower]

You know, I liked the letter...

 

However I think some good points have been made on both sides.

 

I really cannot tell you what to do with this one.

 

Here is the deal for me, my wife put me through hell with her affairs, her hidden drug addiction, and everything else.

 

I was willing to forgive her or work on forgiving her for all of it. But one day I finally realized the she never loved me, ever. That is the one thing that she could do that I would not even try to forgive.

 

One way that I know this is true, is when I was talking to my kids (older kids) and I made the statement the she did not love me... Not one of them disputed that statement. I did not pick up on that for a couple of days.

 

But I guess that everyone else already knew, they just forgot to tell me.

 

So the question is not if you still love him, the question is, do you think he still loves you.

 

Because if he does not, it does not matter what you say in the letter...

[Mrscommited]

I agree with this. The man you married is not the man in front of you now. That guy is gone for good. Question is, IS he able to become a better person, better husband, better father, better family man by learning from his awful mistakes and choices? And that new and improved man , is that someone you could learn to trust and grow with in the future? Time will tell....

 

That pretty much encapsulates my hopes. But no idea how realistic I'm being. He does seem to be making a huge effort to take care of me and work on himself. But it's early days.

[NTV]

Sorry just coming back now... looks like I should have come back sooner lol.

 

Heard of a postnup?

[Mrscommited]

Did your husband move out on his own accord or was it your request?

 

At my request when I found out about the false reconciliation. I said I wanted divorce. He said ok. Then begged to be taken back the next day. Told her he'd rather be alone than with her. We agreed he'd use the 6 month separation as time for him to prove himself. He certainly did that!

 

As an aside, can anyone tell me why an OW would keep In an affair when their AP repeatedly dumps them and says it was a massive mistake and he never loved her? I've seen some brutal emails and her responding with "I hate you" and other mature comments.

[Mrscommited]

Here's a challenge.

 

Try rewriting the letter from an "I am " or "I feel" standpoint instead of the "you did this and you did that an you are this and you are that" standpoint.

 

There is a way to let him know how crushed he made you without spewing hatred and shame towards him.

 

If you weren't considering reconciling, it wouldn't matter but if you do? It will help to learn how to communicate in "I" ways instead of "you" ways

 

 

Thanks. Good idea.

[Confused48]

As an aside, can anyone tell me why an OW would keep In an affair when their AP repeatedly dumps them and says it was a massive mistake and he never loved her? I've seen some brutal emails and her responding with "I hate you" and other mature comments.

 

You should post this question on the other side, the OW/OM side of this site. You will get some very interesting responses. Or just do a seach. Many have asked this question over there.

 

The OW often post, why would the wife want him back when he repeatedly breaks his promise not to contact me (OW) again? When he says he loves her and then shows her in fact he does not by reaching out to me (OW) over and over.

 

(I am not an OW)

[Mrscommited]

You know, I liked the letter...

 

However I think some good points have been made on both sides.

 

I really cannot tell you what to do with this one.

 

Here is the deal for me, my wife put me through hell with her affairs, her hidden drug addiction, and everything else.

 

I was willing to forgive her or work on forgiving her for all of it. But one day I finally realized the she never loved me, ever. That is the one thing that she could do that I would not even try to forgive.

 

One way that I know this is true, is when I was talking to my kids (older kids) and I made the statement the she did not love me... Not one of them disputed that statement. I did not pick up on that for a couple of days.

 

But I guess that everyone else already knew, they just forgot to tell me.

 

So the question is not if you still love him, the question is, do you think he still loves you.

 

Because if he does not, it does not matter what you say in the letter...

 

Oddly enough, that's one thing I'm certain of. We were so happy and secure for so long. We've been together for nearly three decades. He texts all the time, wants to spend as much time as possible together, buys little gifts, holds my hand. I think our marriage is better than it's been for a while actually, strange as

It sounds. I've grown to like my space though.