A letter to my Wayward Husband

[BluesPower]

"Nut job" and "mental" are certainly terms my WH has used about her.

 

I know what you mean about waking up. He does appear to have woken up and want to save the marriage and appears full of remorse. But he has gone back in twice and, although things appear different his time, I just can't be sure it's for real.

 

Will I ever know? How do you know? I was quick to trust the last two times but am not willing to go along with it this time.

 

Don't be quick to trust this time...

 

Take your time. And don't mistake regret at being caught with remorse. It is completely different.

 

Make him prove himself. He has a long way back to you and after what he has done it should be...

[Mrscommited]

She wants your life, his salary, his car, your lifestyle. The worst place for you to be in is having to compete for your husband with an other woman. Your first goal is to take yourself out of infidelity and you can't rely on him to do that for you. Please talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, talk to him about a postnuptial agreement if your still considering the possibility of giving him another chance. They are hard to inforce but it will cost him a small fortune to find that out, they are a strong future deterrent against any future infidelity. Put a higher value on yourself so that winning you back requires real work on his part.

 

I always got that impression. she genuinely feels other people's husbands are fair game and divorce is perfectly normal (she's divorcing).

[Mrscommited]

I'm betting that the way he treated her, led her on, omitted truths and lied to her had much to do with her reaction and behavior which is why he said what he said about her. She probably was in love with him and very emotionally attached. Affairs are emotionally damaging obviously ruining marriages but also to those participating in them.

 

If you feel you want to give him ONE last chance then do so but you know deep down that IF he does it again, there's no other option but to divorce. He'd be a fool to cheat again though!

 

She had a pretty strong track record of nut job behaviour before she set her sights on my marriage. i know her feelings were / are very deep and I pity her. But it's a situation of her own making.

[Spring23]

I always got that impression. she genuinely feels other people's husbands are fair game and divorce is perfectly normal (she's divorcing).

 

If she's divorcing and likes your husband (who probably gave her reason to believe he loved her) then she might be fragile and afraid of being alone. (I don't know. Just guessing.)

 

This is a bad situation.

[Spring23]

She had a pretty strong track record of nut job behaviour before she set her sights on my marriage. i know her feelings were / are very deep and I pity her. But it's a situation of her own making.

 

She might have mental health problems. And if your husband knew this and still slept with her repeatedly then he took advantage of her.

 

This makes your husbands behavior even worse.

 

I feel a little bit bad for you because you're focusing on this girl who owed you nothing instead of seeing your husband for what he is and what he'll probably continue to be. Changing ones behavior has to come from a real and pure place.

 

IDK. I'm just a stranger on the internet.

[Mrscommited]

Interesting how former wayward think he deserves the letter and many betrayed think it is too harsh...

 

Makes me wonder about dynamics...

 

Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to help people realize just exactly what they have done

 

Op... please don t confuse crying and sobbing and going into a fetal istion with remorse ... it isn't

 

Remorse is an action ...

 

His crying and carrying on is not about you... it's about him... he's feeling sorry for himself

 

We all do it... but we don't all take action to put our spouses needs before our own .. we don't all ask our betrayed spouse what we can do to help them heal from our wickedness

 

Dont let his crying make you compromise yourself

 

Next time he cries ask him if he is aware you Cry yourself to sleep.. ask him if he's heard you scream at the top of your lungs how could you do this to me...

 

Remind him that he did this to himself and he did it to you without asking you what you thought about it first.

 

I have great compassion for waywards who carry their load... but not for those who continue to lie and think of themselves first.

 

Infidelity is hard..and it is not fair... but he chose to do it... several times even after swearing he would do better.

 

What's the game? Three strikes and you are out? How many chances do we give a wayward who isn't helping their spouse do the work?

 

You cannot reconcile by yourself... he has to be willing to do the work.. he has to stop crying about it and fix it

 

Well said. And an important point about crying vs actions. He is trying very hard to be fair. He says he really wants to look after me and he does loads of things for me even though we're separated. I think he's getting better at expressing himself, his emotions. The problem is that he's really doing the work now but I feel unable to meet him half way at the moment because I've had my fingers burned too many times.

[Mrscommited]

I think that letters in general are a good idea when dealing with emotional situations. Apart from anything else, it takes away the 'heat of the moment' factor. We all understand about this. How often do we say rash things in the heat of an argument? How often do we let our anger and emotion get in the way of saying what we really feel? We all know what it feels like much later on reflection 'i shouldn't have said that', ' I SHOULD have said that', 'i wish I hadn't lost my temper', 'did he really mean that?'. A letter takes this out of the equation. There isn't a time limit on writing a letter - you can take your time, consider and analyse what you want to say, edit the letter, leave it for a while and come back. If it's done properly, it can be a very effective communication tool. Also, he can't hide behind tears, adopting his foetal position, and other emotional tools in a letter - all he has is words. A letter also provides an 'audit trail'. If he promises something in a letter, it's there in black and white and can be read and re read - no ambiguity or 'I didn't say that'. For the reader, letters can be read, re-read and analysed as much as they want.

 

If Mrscommitted really does want to give him one more chance, i would encourage the letter approach. Maybe a whole series of letters before they next talk about this in person. We rarely write good old fashioned letters these days, but they can be very powerful.

 

I know I'm being optimistic here, but if both parties master their letter craft, they could even build a new, deep connection purely through words.

 

Of course, if he produces a half hearted effort in reply, doesn't bother replying at all or puts justifications and excuses in his reply, well that will be a very strong indicator to Mrscommitted that it's probably best to rebuild her life without him. Why not use this approach as a test?

 

We've actually exchanged a couple of letters earlier in the process. He kept one of mine and read it every day. He said it prompted him to finally cut ties with the OW. I'd written it at a point where I thought the affair was over and was inviting him to give it another chance. Now he wants to take that chance but I've taken the offer off the table. Crazy ping pong but I have to protect myself and have some control.

[Mrscommited]

She might have mental health problems. And if your husband knew this and still slept with her repeatedly then he took advantage of her.

 

This makes your husbands behavior even worse.

 

I feel a little bit bad for you because you're focusing on this girl who owed you nothing instead of seeing your husband for what he is and what he'll probably continue to be. Changing ones behavior has to come from a real and pure place.

 

IDK. I'm just a stranger on the internet.

 

I'm not focussed on her. Just responding to comments. She does have enduring mental health issues which she concealed from him for a long time then used them as a way to manipulate him not to end things or to have contact as friends. He said he felt responsible for her. Then realised she wasn't his problem.

[BetrayedH]

Well said. And an important point about crying vs actions. He is trying very hard to be fair. He says he really wants to look after me and he does loads of things for me even though we're separated. I think he's getting better at expressing himself, his emotions. The problem is that he's really doing the work now but I feel unable to meet him half way at the moment because I've had my fingers burned too many times.

 

I've hesitated to tread into your thread because I am torn. There is a side of me that seems to believe he "gets it" this time. Then I remember how many times my wife cried and told me that I knew everything and that she would never lie to me again, and it was a lie as she said it. I'm sick of liars. I will not have one for a spouse.

 

As for how you get to a point of having faith/trust again...it simply takes his "consistent actions over time." How much time? With infidelity they say 2-5 years. With multiple Ddays like yours, I really don't know. I would start thinking about how much time you are willing to invest and whether you really want to do that.

[Mrscommited]

I've hesitated to tread into your thread because I am torn. There is a side of me that seems to believe he "gets it" this time. Then I remember how many times my wife cried and told me that I knew everything and that she would never lie to me again, and it was a lie as she said it. I'm sick of liars. I will not have one for a spouse.

 

As for how you get to a point of having faith/trust again...it simply takes his "consistent actions over time." How much time? With infidelity they say 2-5 years. With multiple Ddays like yours, I really don't know. I would start thinking about how much time you are willing to invest and whether you really want to do that.

 

 

Torn is precisely how I feel. Wanting to think the best and that it's all over and we can have our happy ending. But knowing he's an accomplished liar and not knowing if he's able to sustain his fight and have enough strength and energy for the two of us. I've pulled myself up and coped really well with separation and keeping the family good. I would love to be looked after again and he really wants to come back and take care of everyone. But how can I know if it would all work out in the end? It's driving crazy trying to decide.

[cocorico]

But how can I know if it would all work out in the end? It's driving crazy trying to decide.

 

There is absolutely no rush. The worst thing you could do is allow him back before you feel convinced he's "safe" - you would either be walking on eggshells the whole time, or you'd slip into a self-protective not caring mode, neither of which would be good for you, your kids or your R. He messed up. He has to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to win over your trust. I don't say "win back" your trust, because that trust has been destroyed twice. It's no longer there to win back. He has to start from an even lower base than if you'd just met him, because he's proved to you just how badly he can hurt you.

 

Maybe he'll manage, and maybe he won't. But it's his problem, not yours. Your issue is to look after yourself and your kids.

[cocorico]

P.S. There is no "in the end". Each day is a new day, and we never know what tomorrow might bring. All you can do is make sure today feels right for you.

[Mrscommited]

There is absolutely no rush. The worst thing you could do is allow him back before you feel convinced he's "safe" - you would either be walking on eggshells the whole time, or you'd slip into a self-protective not caring mode, neither of which would be good for you, your kids or your R. He messed up. He has to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to win over your trust. I don't say "win back" your trust, because that trust has been destroyed twice. It's no longer there to win back. He has to start from an even lower base than if you'd just met him, because he's proved to you just how badly he can hurt you.

 

Maybe he'll manage, and maybe he won't. But it's his problem, not yours. Your issue is to look after yourself and your kids.

 

 

Thanks. I know you're right. And I'd been happily in limbo, seeing him regularly and so on. But then I felt pressure to make a decision and break out of limbo. Either recommit or divorce. And I found myself unable to fully recommit because I wasn't 100% sure he's being truthful. And that just leaves divorce. A few people have said to press ahead with divorce because it doesn't rule out getting back together but I don't know. Perhaps what we need is to both jump back in. Whenever one of us is willing to make a go of it the other has cooled off or is back in the affair. I wonder if we will ever get on the same page.

[Spring23]

Thanks. I know you're right. And I'd been happily in limbo, seeing him regularly and so on. But then I felt pressure to make a decision and break out of limbo. Either recommit or divorce. And I found myself unable to fully recommit because I wasn't 100% sure he's being truthful. And that just leaves divorce. A few people have said to press ahead with divorce because it doesn't rule out getting back together but I don't know. Perhaps what we need is to both jump back in. Whenever one of us is willing to make a go of it the other has cooled off or is back in the affair. I wonder if we will ever get on the same page.

 

Divorce is expensive. On a practical level one should only divorce if one wants to stay divorced.

 

If you're not ready for divorce then it's best to stay in limbo. Rushing to get back together isn't necessary. Let him court you. And maybe you can figure out why he was able to have this long affair without you knowing. What weren't you seeing?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree...no decision has to be made about divorce....but i do not think you should let him come back home until you are certain that is what you want.

 

Do what is best for you....not what is best for him. He has been living selfishly for a long time with no regard to you. You need to put you first....

 

I do think getting the advice from a lawyer is a good thing...it can even help you in your decision making. YOu might even want a legal sepration instead of a divorce....just do what is best for you....follow your gut.

 

If you are questioning his sincereity...it is with good reason.

[BetrayedH]

Torn is precisely how I feel. Wanting to think the best and that it's all over and we can have our happy ending. But knowing he's an accomplished liar and not knowing if he's able to sustain his fight and have enough strength and energy for the two of us. I've pulled myself up and coped really well with separation and keeping the family good. I would love to be looked after again and he really wants to come back and take care of everyone. But how can I know if it would all work out in the end? It's driving crazy trying to decide.

 

You don't and won't know if it will work out in the end. That's going to take years and I wouldn't really count on you ever reaching a point where you have blind faith in your H again. The question is whether you think it is worth the investment of several years, just to find out. Do you have a few years of enduring uncertainty in you? Is it worth it to you?

[BetrayedH]

Thanks. I know you're right. And I'd been happily in limbo, seeing him regularly and so on. But then I felt pressure to make a decision and break out of limbo. Either recommit or divorce. And I found myself unable to fully recommit because I wasn't 100% sure he's being truthful. And that just leaves divorce. A few people have said to press ahead with divorce because it doesn't rule out getting back together but I don't know. Perhaps what we need is to both jump back in. Whenever one of us is willing to make a go of it the other has cooled off or is back in the affair. I wonder if we will ever get on the same page.

 

I think Cocorico is right that the pressure isn't on you to decide anything. You can take as much time as you need. If you're not sure if you're ready for him to come home (and I don't think you're sure), then don't. The pressure isn't on you; it's on him. You didn't create this scenario. He did. It will take as long as it will take. Any chance you give him is a gift.

[BetrayedH]

And maybe you can figure out why he was able to have this long affair without you knowing. What weren't you seeing?

 

What is this ^^^ business about? She trusted him and he lied, extensively. It ain't complicated. There's nothing wrong with her. The problem was with him.

[Spring23]

What is this ^^^ business about? She trusted him and he lied, extensively. It ain't complicated. There's nothing wrong with her. The problem was with him.

 

Yes he does have a problem. He's a liar and a cheat. That's a problem.

 

However, I cannot fathom that there weren't a massive amount of signs, signals and other clues that something wasn't right. She needs to readjust her judgment so she can make a better decision this time.

[Mrscommited]

What is this ^^^ business about? She trusted him and he lied, extensively. It ain't complicated. There's nothing wrong with her. The problem was with him.

 

I'm not finding Spring's finger pointing particularly helpful either.

[Mrscommited]

I think Cocorico is right that the pressure isn't on you to decide anything. You can take as much time as you need. If you're not sure if you're ready for him to come home (and I don't think you're sure), then don't. The pressure isn't on you; it's on him. You didn't create this scenario. He did. It will take as long as it will take. Any chance you give him is a gift.

 

Thanks. Good advice. The problem is hat my gut loves him and wants him back. AND my gut doesn't trust him fully. I'm probably a bit scared that if I hold off too long we will miss the chance and drift apart?

[Spring23]

I'm not finding Spring's finger pointing particularly helpful either.

 

OK, I'll refrain from posting on this thread.

[Mrscommited]

Yes he does have a problem. He's a liar and a cheat. That's a problem.

 

However, I cannot fathom that there weren't a massive amount of signs, signals and other clues that something wasn't right. She needs to readjust her judgment so she can make a better decision this time.

 

Of course there were signs. And when I confronted him I was lied to. Unless you have personal experience of being in my shoes or his, there's not a lot of point to your comments.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes he does have a problem. He's a liar and a cheat. That's a problem.

 

However, I cannot fathom that there weren't a massive amount of signs, signals and other clues that something wasn't right. She needs to readjust her judgment so she can make a better decision this time.

 

What is your point? Of course there are signals and signs that a relationship is not in sync. All relationssips go through ups and downs.

 

My husband knew we were not in sync...he never imagined I was having an affair. If thats the first place your mind jumps...you have bigger problems than you even though you had.

 

Her husband made the choice to cheat...and no matter how "bad" the marriage was or how many signs there were...he did not have to cheat.

 

that is 100% on him....

 

and I beleive she is gunshy....which is why she started this thread. She is well aware that he could do this all over again...he has a track record. She is here trying to sort out her gut feelings. She already has the answers....

 

Many folks...all ready know what they want...they come here needing reassurance that they are making the right decisions. I am not sure that anything any of us says really makes a difference. They are going to do what they want to do....they just come here to sort it out.

 

this woman is smart....and cautious

 

Good for her...she should be

[understand50]

Of course there were signs. And when I confronted him I was lied to. Unless you have personal experience of being in my shoes or his, there's not a lot of point to your comments.

 

Mrscommited,

 

If you are, you should not beat yourself up over not "seeing" signs. The big part, pain and hurt of betrayal, is the surprise, in finding someone you trusted, and loved doing this to you and the family.

 

I am going to echo the many here, take your time and only go forward with him moving back when you are ready, and he has shown the he is ready as well. I think, as does Mrs Adams, and you have made some type of decision or are leaning a certain way. unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or method to show if you are making the right decision. That will be shown over time.

 

I wish you luck.....