A letter to my Wayward Husband

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for your incredibly perceptive response...May I ask what the outcomes of your experiences were?

 

Sure, Mrscomitted. Thanks for your thoughtful response.

 

Short version is that I had to finally walk away from both men in order to retain my dignity. Both ended up marrying for a second time (fiance was divorced when we met) shortly after our relationship ended. And both ended up leaving their second wives. Husband left his second W after three years and a child and fiance left his second W after seven years, no children from that union.

 

Both exH and exfiance remarried a third time very shortly after their divorces from second wife and stayed with third wives. ExH's third wife ended up dying and reports while they were married were that they had a lot of difficulties in their relationship. Exfiance remains married and someone in the know has told me both he and his third wife cheat on each other.

 

I have never remarried but have had many opportunities to do so with some wonderful men but never anyone I felt I could love as I loved my husband, whom I probably loved too much. At first I dated a lot but as the years have gone by I've lost the inclination. I pretty much threw myself into a deep relationship with Jesus Christ as my first priority, rearing my children secondly and establishing a career thirdly. It's been a good life for me and possibly an advantage with my relationships with my children and career not to have remarried. However, guess if I'd met and married Mr. Right it wouldn't have impeded my relationships with children and career, idk.

 

From all I've experienced personally and observed with others your husband needs lots of help. If he's willing to do the work on himself I believe you two may be able to make it and would encourage you to try to but imho it's going to most likely be a rough road. However, it most probably will be a rough road to divorce and split up your family, too.

 

Had my exH been willing to do the work necessary I would have loved to have tried to save my marriage with him. He was just unwilling to face the fact that he needed help. Exfiance knew he was a person who needed help but he didn't want to make the effort.

 

Obviously there is much about you and your husband I don't know. But, if both you and your husband are willing to work hard and both still love each other I encourage you to give it your best try. Just my two cents.

Edited May 1, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Mrs. John Adams]

Livingwaterplease

 

I too am a reconciliation advocate.. my hesitation in this case comes because this man has attempted reconciliation twice with his wife and cheated again.

 

If two attempts have failed... when does one finally pull the plug?

 

I don't know but it certainly explains any hesitation on the part of the betrayed...

[LivingWaterPlease]

Livingwaterplease

 

I too am a reconciliation advocate.. my hesitation in this case comes because this man has attempted reconciliation twice with his wife and cheated again.

 

If two attempts have failed... when does one finally pull the plug?

 

I don't know but it certainly explains any hesitation on the part of the betrayed...

 

Yes, understandable, Mrs. John Adams. That may be a difficult decision MrsCommited will have to make.

[sandylee1]

Interesting how former wayward think he deserves the letter and many betrayed think it is too harsh...

 

Makes me wonder about dynamics...

 

 

Good point. Could be because many BSs are afraid the raw truth will scare the WS off.

[Just a Guy]

Hi MrsCommitted, after reading some of you later posts and those of Livingwater some pieces of the puzzle seem to be falling in place for me. Firstly, it seems that your husband considers himself much your inferior, not only in terms of being weak emotionally but also in terms of his family background too. You have said that he came from a poor and unloving background whereas you came from a wealthy and loving background. Makes me wonder what drew you two together, particularly you. Rich girls don't marry poor impoverished boys except in fairy tales and movies. The obvious difference in status's would have been a big hurdle for your husband to overcome particularly if he already suffered from an inferiority complex. I do not know how he was doing professionally when you married him but if finances were tight as they usually are for young couples it could have been a big psychological burden on your husband along with other existing disparities between you two. He may have felt that he was not being able to provide you the standard of living that you were used to and would expect from him. Also, I wonder what your nature would have been like in those early days before the reality of married life hit you full in the face? I do not want to intrude on your personal space but I would think that some one coming from a back ground like yours might have been a little spoilt and selfish in her habits and nature. You, personally may have been just the opposite so I certainly do not want to impute any such characteristics to you. My point here is that for your husband these could have been assumptions that he laboured under and which could have been eating away a little at a time at his self confidence and self esteem vis a vis you.

 

Overall, little by little such feelings and thoughts could have eaten away at his psyche and then finally the time bomb went off and he rebelled as Elaine's article states and he found someone who was probably more broken and emotionally poor than himself, with whom he could feel superior and confident of himself. I know all this is conjecture on my part but with what you wrote about your husband it seems that he feels completely unworthy of you and that whatever he has done is the reaction of someone who is clutching at straws to save himself from being swallowed up by his own unworthiness and low self esteem. I may be completely wrong but if some of this makes some sense for you I would think I may have been of some help. If not then please do excuse my impertinence in making false assumptions and basing my opinion on them. Warm wishes.

[wmacbride]

I don't think I am chasing. I'm deciding whether to reconcile with my husband of over 20yrs, the father of my kids and previously of very good character. We had a good marriage and I have to weigh the risks of throwing that away and regretting it against risking another try after so many lies.

 

I have no experience of this and don't know whether previously good men come to their senses after this kind of behaviour or whether it will always prevent us from regaining a happy marriage.

 

28 years is a long time to throw away.

 

It really is. There are so many factors to consider.

 

I did want to ask you to compare who he was when you fell in love with/married him, and who is he today? Is the same guy still underneath all of this, or do you think that man is lost?

 

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. you are finding your way. It takes time.

[aileD]

no one faults you for wanting to save your marriage, we just don't want you to get lost in the meantime.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/590399-wish-me-luck-updated-not-sure-what-s-going

 

That's my story. I fell into the same trap, lots of similarities. Hope you can learn from it. I made a lot of mistakes but I also stood up for myself in certain ways too that helped facilitate our reconciliation

[elaine567]

You can only reconcile if he wants to reconcile.

If reconciling to him means seeing the other woman or spending his life grieving and pining for her or wishing he was somewhere else, then you cannot afford to waste any more time on him.

Letting Go of Sunk Costs

"We can think of sunk cost as focusing on the past cost rather than the future utility. You are concerned with what you “paid” for something rather than what you will get out of it in the future"

[Mrscommited]

Hi MrsCommitted, after reading some of you later posts and those of Livingwater some pieces of the puzzle seem to be falling in place for me. Firstly, it seems that your husband considers himself much your inferior, not only in terms of being weak emotionally but also in terms of his family background too. You have said that he came from a poor and unloving background whereas you came from a wealthy and loving background. Makes me wonder what drew you two together, particularly you. Rich girls don't marry poor impoverished boys except in fairy tales and movies. The obvious difference in status's would have been a big hurdle for your husband to overcome particularly if he already suffered from an inferiority complex. I do not know how he was doing professionally when you married him but if finances were tight as they usually are for young couples it could have been a big psychological burden on your husband along with other existing disparities between you two. He may have felt that he was not being able to provide you the standard of living that you were used to and would expect from him. Also, I wonder what your nature would have been like in those early days before the reality of married life hit you full in the face? I do not want to intrude on your personal space but I would think that some one coming from a back ground like yours might have been a little spoilt and selfish in her habits and nature. You, personally may have been just the opposite so I certainly do not want to impute any such characteristics to you. My point here is that for your husband these could have been assumptions that he laboured under and which could have been eating away a little at a time at his self confidence and self esteem vis a vis you.

 

Overall, little by little such feelings and thoughts could have eaten away at his psyche and then finally the time bomb went off and he rebelled as Elaine's article states and he found someone who was probably more broken and emotionally poor than himself, with whom he could feel superior and confident of himself. I know all this is conjecture on my part but with what you wrote about your husband it seems that he feels completely unworthy of you and that whatever he has done is the reaction of someone who is clutching at straws to save himself from being swallowed up by his own unworthiness and low self esteem. I may be completely wrong but if some of this makes some sense for you I would think I may have been of some help. If not then please do excuse my impertinence in making false assumptions and basing my opinion on them. Warm wishes.

 

I never said he felt he was unworthy. I think someone else suggested that. My parents started poor and earned everything they had. My husband and I met as penniless students and were very happy being poor then very slowly earning our current status as pretty well off. In the U.K. there isn't such a disparity between rich and poor as in the US. I can assure you I wasn't spoiled nor have I ever expected anyone else to provide for me. I have a very well paid job and I spent many years working my way up. I work very hard at work and at home to make our lives comfortable.

 

I think it's quite possible that his self esteem was a bit low (it's extremely low now of course). If that was that case before the affair it would be to do with his mother. She was a cold woman who put everyone down and couldn't express love and affection.

[Mrscommited]

You can only reconcile if he wants to reconcile.

If reconciling to him means seeing the other woman or spending his life grieving and pining for her or wishing he was somewhere else, then you cannot afford to waste any more time on him.

Letting Go of Sunk Costs

"We can think of sunk cost as focusing on the past cost rather than the future utility. You are concerned with what you “paid” for something rather than what you will get out of it in the future"

 

He wants to reconcile. Swears the affair finished two months ago. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to do.

[aileD]

He wants to reconcile. Swears the affair finished two months ago. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to do.

 

You may want to consider seeing a counselor together for "discernment counseling". Ive attached a link below. It's not marriage counseling, and its main goal is to help ambivalent couples help decide if they should reconcile or divorce.

 

We did it, it did help us decide. And it's six or so weeks long so it gives you T-I-M-E which is what you need right now for things to settle and get some clarity

 

 

https://discernmentcounseling.com/

[mercy]

He wants to reconcile. Swears the affair finished two months ago. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to do.

 

Information overload, huh?

 

Continue doing what you're doing, what's right for you. Time. He'll show you who he is.

[whichwayisup]

He wants to reconcile. Swears the affair finished two months ago. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to do.

 

Time will tell. You have a history with him and love him, children together, family and friends entwined. If you feel you want to give him one last chance, then do it (this is your life and you're going to do what is best for you) but my only suggestion is don't let him move back in until you feel comfortable enough to want live with him again. 2 months isn't that long to build enough trust and faith in him.

 

Also the fact that he mentioned sex isn't on his mind, he's detached that way towards you and that's damage done by his cheating. Did he say he wasn't sexually attracted to you anymore or was it more he didn't feel sexual overall? Or is it his guilt that is preventing him from being intimate with you?

[Just a Guy]

Hi MrsCommitted, thank you for your response to my post and the clarifications that you have offered therein. Of course that changes the direction of one's perspective completely. Although my previous post now seems completely off course it did achieve something significant. It got you to clarify on your situation in the early stages of your relationship and a snapshot of how it progressed over the years to where it is right now. Although you may not have mentioned that your husband felt unworthy of you, his actions and behaviour now certainly indicate this possibility and may be it was something lying dormant within him for all these years to burst out suddenly and cause him to behave the way he has. I think his aversion to being intimate with you may well be an indicator of his feeling unworthy of you.

 

Be that as it may, I can understand why you would try and save a relationship which has lasted so long where your husband has been a pillar of support for you through good times and rough times. History is worth it's weight in gold and I guess you have to weigh that against how he has behaved in the recent past and see if the relationship is salvageable. Time is something you have and the best part is that you know your husband for all his strengths and weaknesses or at least I hope you do. That being said you are your own best adviser and you have your gut as your pilot through this difficult time. All I can say is that I really hope for your sake that things settle down and work out in your favour for a happy ending. The one remarkable thing I have noticed in your case is that you are not vindictive even though you were handed a lemon and although there must be sadness for what has happened you are not inclined bitterly toward your husband in spite of the letter you have drafted. It would have been bitter if you had it delivered to him. Warm wishes.

Edited May 2, 2017 by Just a Guy

[mikeylo]

He wants to reconcile. Swears the affair finished two months ago. I'm just having a hard time deciding what to do.

 

Of course he wants to reconcile. Which guy wouldn't want a woman like you? But the question is does he deserve you? Or rather do you deserve a guy like him?

 

Will you ever know what exactly is he doing in his makeshift home ? Do you even like being touched by him?

 

I guess, you are too good for him. He is still doing shady business behind your back. Maybe the bringing up ( background) differences are catching up.

[mikeylo]

Hi MrsCommitted, thank you for your response to my post and the clarifications that you have offered therein. Of course that changes the direction of one's perspective completely. Although my previous post now seems completely off course it did achieve something significant. It got you to clarify on your situation in the early stages of your relationship and a snapshot of how it progressed over the years to where it is right now. Although you may not have mentioned that your husband felt unworthy of you, his actions and behaviour now certainly indicate this possibility and may be it was something lying dormant within him for all these years to burst out suddenly and cause him to behave the way he has. I think his aversion to being intimate with you may well be an indicator of his feeling unworthy of you.

 

Be that as it may, I can understand why you would try and save a relationship which has lasted so long where your husband has been a pillar of support for you through good times and rough times. History is worth it's weight in gold and I guess you have to weigh that against how he has behaved in the recent past and see if the relationship is salvageable. Time is something you have and the best part is that you know your husband for all his strengths and weaknesses or at least I hope you do. That being said you are your own best adviser and you have your gut as your pilot through this difficult time. All I can say is that I really hope for your sake that things settle down and work out in your favour for a happy ending. The one remarkable thing I have noticed in your case is that you are not vindictive even though you were handed a lemon and although there must be sadness for what has happened you are not inclined bitterly toward your husband in spite of the letter you have drafted. It would have been bitter if you had it delivered to him. Warm wishes.

 

That's a good observation!

 

Has to be some psychological reasoning behind it. Could be that she has done all she could and feels helpless and sees the end coming closer and sooner.