Years later, I'd like to repay a debt to an ex. Thoughts? [UPDATED]

[Soulsearching07]

Keeping this short and sweet, I've been thinking about my ex lately. We broke up more than 10 years ago. We live in the same town and have run into each other a few times and have been cordial with one another. I am starting to feel guilty about a car we co-signed and I had to return in to the bank because after we broke-up, I had a job that didnt pay enough to cover all my bills. Anyways, fast forward to now and all of a sudden I feel the urge to tell him sorry for how I acted and to also repay him what he had to pay to keep the car. We are both happily married. This is definetly not a case of "I want him back" as my husband and I have a wonderful life, but this is more of a "reflecting on my past and wanting to make ammends with those I've wronged" I called him and he had no service (at least I think) left him a vm and never heard back, so a month or two later I text him and told him exactly what I just wrote on here "I have cash for you and would like to drop it by sometime. I'd like to repay you and your wife for the car we used to have. My husband and I built a greay life and I am now able to repay you. If you prefer I didnt, thats fine, I wont reach out again, but I would like to get it paid so I can stop feeling guilty about it". From a mans perspective, what would you think of this text? I feel like we've both matured and have moved on. Never got a response. Should I chalk this one up to he doesnt care about getting repaid?

[d0nnivain]

I can't give you a man's perspective.

 

 

Legally the debts over 6 years generally don't have to be repaid.

 

 

Ethically, it would be the nice thing to do. Don't reach out & ask. Do send a check with a quick note:

 

 

Years ago we had a car together. My inability to pay for it at the time cost you money. Kindly accept this check as

full and final

repayment of the debt with my apologies.

Best wishes, soulsearching07.

 

Full & final are legal terms of art. You must use that language & it should appear in the memo portion of the check. By reaching out you are resurrecting this old debt & if your calculations are off or if he wants extras like more money or all these years of interest you are opening yourself up to those claims.

 

 

Send the check certified mail return receipt requested (the green card from the post office) so you know he got it but treat this like a business transaction.

[Soulsearching07]

I like that idea. I just didnt want to seem to stalkerish because he didnt reply to my text or voicemail and I contemplated sending him a check, but I dont know where he lives now and I want to respect his marriage.

[marky00]

My ex gf owed me a few thousand dollars.

 

 

About 7 years later, she emailed me saying she wanted to repay it. I was quite surprised because it was one of those relationships where I was a GIVER, stopped her from committing suicide etc. Even stopped her from getting kicked out of the country due to VISA issues.

 

 

Anyway, the money was actually my mum's so after thinking about it I responded with something like this:

 

 

"At the time that money was given to in good faith. If you feel the urge to pay it back you can. Here are by bank details XXXX XXXXXXX. I wasn't necessarily expecting to be paid back but if that something you would like to do, that is fine by me"

 

 

She never ended up paying it and a few weeks later emailing me saying she really just wanted to know if I still hated her. It didn't really bother me that she didn't pay it. What bothered me was she used my attention to help her ease her guilt. As if her breaking my heart all those years ago wasn't enough. Money owing pales into insignificance when compared to things like heartbreak.

 

 

Giving him the money back now does not fix whatever he felt when dealing with the car issue back then. He fixed that issue himself. You giving him the money may fix your guilt issue but understand it doesn't FIX anything for him.

 

 

So my advise to you is to ask yourself is this really about you returning the money or is about the guilt you have for taking it in the first place?

 

 

Good luck

Edited April 24, 2017 by marky00

[Soulsearching07]

Its about the guilt. When I text him, I told him I'd like to drop it by his work. I dont mind if he's there or not but being its a few thousand dollars, I dont want to just leave it with anyone, you know? Had he replied the same way you did, that would have been easy for me to deposit it, but he never replied at all which leads me to believe he doesnt want it back. Which is fine, at least I can feel better knowing I offered. We were 19 and the break-up caused me to have to take a financial hit. I just feel bad.

[marky00]

Like I said above:

 

 

Giving him the money back now does not fix whatever he felt when dealing with the car issue back then. He fixed that issue himself. You giving him the money may fix your guilt issue but understand it doesn't FIX anything for him.

 

 

I probably should have not responded to my ex had I known better. You ex probably knows him getting money from you doesn't FIX anything for him. For a beneficial exchange to happen, 2 people need to see a benefit in it. He's most likely seeing it for what it is. That your doing this to reduce your guilt.

Edited April 24, 2017 by marky00

[ExpatInItaly]

It's safe to say that if you left him both a voicemail and a text that garnered zero response, he doesn't care about the money and doesn't wish to you hear from you.

 

Time to let it go with the knowledge that his silence was your answer.

[SoThatHappened]

It's been over a decade.

 

He's married, you're married.

 

Let it go and leave him alone.

 

He's probably ignoring you for a reason, so just forgive yourself and let sleeping dogs lie.

[Soulsearching07]

Thanks for the advice. I think I might just drop if off at his work one day. I dont mind what he thinks either way, but at least its the thought that counts. Like I mentioned before, Im happily married, (I know he is married too) so this is more for me and my way of saying sorry.

[Soulsearching07]

Well after reading more comments from you men, I will leave it be. I just needed a mans view. Thanks for the advice.

[BC1980]

"I have cash for you and would like to drop it by sometime. I'd like to repay you and your wife for the car we used to have. My husband and I built a greay life and I am now able to repay you. If you prefer I didnt, thats fine, I wont reach out again, but I would like to get it paid so I can stop feeling guilty about it". From a mans perspective, what would you think of this text? I feel like we've both matured and have moved on. Never got a response. Should I chalk this one up to he doesnt care about getting repaid?

 

It sounds really patronizing. Like you and your husband have built up a life and have more money than he does. The bolded part was the worst. You made it clear that paying him back has nothing to do with him or what it right/wrong. It's completely about alleviating your guilt. I'm not surprised he didn't answer and wouldn't try again. I know you didn't mean it the way it came off, but this is a situation where less is more. I would have said to mail him the check and leave a one word message in the envelope about what it's for.

[Soulsearching07]

I guess women have different way of putting things into words. Those who know me, know Im the sweetest and coolest person/wife/mom ever so I would never make it seem like Im better than someone. It was more of a "I havent forgotten about the situation and now that I am able to, Id like to repay the loan". Its fine either way, really, I just wanted to offer it, let him know I felt bad about it and not think of it again.

[Soulsearching07]

I contemplated contacting his wife and giving it to her, but again, I dont want to interrupt anyones life. And since the guilt is about me, I'm just going to let it be. Thanks everyone. It helps to get an outsiders view.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the advice. I think I might just drop if off at his work one day. I dont mind what he thinks either way, but at least its the thought that counts. Like I mentioned before, Im happily married, (I know he is married too) so this is more for me and my way of saying sorry.

 

 

 

Don't drop it off. I would be more pissed that an EX showed up at my work. Also you won't have proof that he go it. That little green card from the post office is key here.

[Soulsearching07]

Got it. Thanks.

[Soulsearching07]

I'm leaving it be. And now that I wasted half my morning on this, I'm behind at work again, thanks everyone.

[Art_Critic]

Yeah, leave it be... it was done and over with years ago, placed and gone...

 

I'd bet 100-1 he thinks you have an ulterior motive and that is why the silence, he doesn't want it to look like to his wife that he is trying to start something up with you...

 

Don't feel guilty about it, the time for that was when it happened.. today it is the PAST.

[preraph]

You don't know if that number is current. If it is, he doesn't want to talk to you. Have you checked information 411 to see what number they may give you and during that, you might find out an address. You could maybe just put it in the mail. If you happen to live in a small town with just one bank you might even be able to deposit it into his account, though you'd probably need his account number for that unless the bank would contact him for you.

[Soulsearching07]

UPDATE: His friend called me to pick up the cash for him. What does that mean?

[Redhead14]

UPDATE: His friend called me to pick up the cash for him. What does that mean?

 

That means he wants the money but he doesn't want to see you.

[stillafool]

UPDATE: His friend called me to pick up the cash for him. What does that mean?

 

That's great because now you get to relieve your guilt without intruding on their life. You got what you wanted. I agree with DOnnivain that showing up at his job would have been a horrible idea.

[Soulsearching07]

UPDATE: I dropped off the cash to his friend. A few days later I felt compelled to message him. So I sent him this:

 

Let me help you out a little...

 

You: Thanks, Misty for the cash. Even though its been several years later, you didnt have to do that.

Me: Sure, no problem. Just let me know exactly how much I owe you and I'll get you the rest.

You: Will do.

 

Thats how us normal people thank someone when they do something nice

 

He replied back with:

Thank you sorry i did not responded faster i was working yesterday and today. Thanks again.

 

So there you have it folks. I got rid of the guilt and we both handled it in a mature fashion. Wasnt so bad after all.

[d0nnivain]

Glad it worked out. I was going to caution against giving a 3rd party cash but then again I'm incredibly cynical.

[Soulsearching07]

Hes been a mutual friend for 15 years or else there would have been NO way I'd give a third party cash either. Thanks again for the advice.

[Soulsearching07]

@D0nnovain:

I need advice..I got a text from my ex that said if there's anything I want to give him in the future, I dont need to go through our mutual friend, that I can just meet him. I also got a phone call from him. We talked for about 2 min. I really want to meet him, only to see if life has been kind to him, to see if he's happy and to see if he accomplished any of the goals he set for himself when we were together. I'm happily married and my husband would be okay with it as we live in a small town where some of our exes attended our wedding and even our bbq's with their families, plus I'm going on 10 years of marriage and wouldnt do anything to jeopordize that, but is it weird to want to talk about where we're at in our lives? Im the kind of person who is genuinly happy for people and want nothing but the best for everyone. Curiousity wants me to see where life has taken him. Im asking on this forum bc I like to fly under the radar and dont like friends and family in my business. Theres no harm in meeting him for a quick chat, right?!