Years later, I'd like to repay a debt to an ex. Thoughts? [UPDATED]

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what are you doing?

 

This was initially about giving him his money back. Leave it there. You don't need to meet him in person to "catch up."

[Marc878]

@D0nnovain:

I need advice..I got a text from my ex that said if there's anything I want to give him in the future, I dont need to go through our mutual friend, that I can just meet him. I also got a phone call from him. We talked for about 2 min. I really want to meet him, only to see if life has been kind to him, to see if he's happy and to see if he accomplished any of the goals he set for himself when we were together. I'm happily married and my husband would be okay with it as we live in a small town where some of our exes attended our wedding and even our bbq's with their families, plus I'm going on 10 years of marriage and wouldnt do anything to jeopordize that, but is it weird to want to talk about where we're at in our lives? Im the kind of person who is genuinly happy for people and want nothing but the best for everyone. Curiousity wants me to see where life has taken him. Im asking on this forum bc I like to fly under the radar and dont like friends and family in my business. Theres no harm in meeting him for a quick chat, right?!

 

Big red flag

 

This is how affairs get started. If you're smart you'll lose his number.

 

Like most I doubt you'll listen but later wish you had.

[Soulsearching07]

No affair here. Believe it or not, there are faithful men and women still out there. I was just simply wondering if it was normal to want to see where an ex was at in their lives. It doesnt matter and up til now, it didnt what he was doing but once he text me, I felt the urge to ask how life has been treating him. Although Im sure at some point, I could make small talk if we ever had a run in. No meet up or phones involved.

[dumbass2]

I'm not sure what your end game is, but if it was truly just to get the cash to him to relieve your guilt, you did that. Should be done and over. It seems that you did that hoping for a response and you didn't get what you expected and let emotions get in the way. That's the only reason I can see because you didn't have to text him and reprimand him for not being "nice" and thanking you for doing it. You just had to contact him. Now what? Do you want to compare how each other's lives have been since the break up? Did he break up with you? I'm sorry, It just doesn't appear now that you just wanted to relieve your guilt and give him the cash. This is only going by what information you have give on here.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, considering you posted this in the Breaking Up / Reconciliation forum, your motives for insisting on repaying him are now looking questionable.

 

Yes, it's normal to be curious about an ex. However, I don't see the need to meet in person to do so. But really, that is a question you should be directing to your husband. Have you asked him if he is comfortable with this idea? I don't mean in vague terms, I mean telling him your ex got in touch after you repaid this debt, you chatted on the phone with him, and now you would like to meet him and have a catch-up. His reaction will tell you if you're crossing a boundary.

[JuneL]

 

Let me help you out a little...

 

You: Thanks, Misty for the cash. Even though its been several years later, you didnt have to do that.

Me: Sure, no problem. Just let me know exactly how much I owe you and I'll get you the rest.

You: Will do.

 

Thats how us normal people thank someone when they do something nice

 

 

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the above text extremely odd (sorry for being blunt)? In what sense is repaying him your debt after some many years of delay "doing something nice" to him? If anything, you should be the one to thank him, for not going after you in the small claim court.

 

But I guess your text has achieved what you wanted, as it sounds like he totally took the bait.

[Soulsearching07]

For years I never thought of my ex. Then all of a sudden, I've thought about him every day for 3 months. We finally spoke and things were going great UNTIL I ruined it all. We dated for a few years. We both live great lives now. I ruined it by texting him to say that I never got closure from our breakup, that I was devastated by how he acted after the break up. Who texts their ex this after breaking up 10 yeara ago! The thing that kills me most is Im way better than that person. My life is so great, Im happy, great job, yet I let my emotions get the best of me?! How does he feel now? I texted him the other day and he didnt answer. Im going no contact for months. Im not going to contact him anymore. Do you think if things were going okay at first and I scared him away, that months or years down the road, he will be ok to talk to me again? I truly love him and am not sure how to redeem myself after I let my emotions get the best of me. I didnt do any crazy texting or calling, I just feel like I scared him away. I know men dont do well women talking about their feelings. No contact for 6-8 months should be enough before I reach out again? Every 5 or 6 years we talk like friends but this time our breakup was mentioned.

[1fish2fish]

For years I never thought of my ex. Then all of a sudden, I've thought about him every day for 3 months. We finally spoke and things were going great UNTIL I ruined it all. We dated for a few years. We both live great lives now. I ruined it by texting him to say that I never got closure from our breakup, that I was devastated by how he acted after the break up. Who texts their ex this after breaking up 10 yeara ago! The thing that kills me most is Im way better than that person. My life is so great, Im happy, great job, yet I let my emotions get the best of me?! How does he feel now? I texted him the other day and he didnt answer. Im going no contact for months. Im not going to contact him anymore. Do you think if things were going okay at first and I scared him away, that months or years down the road, he will be ok to talk to me again? I truly love him and am not sure how to redeem myself after I let my emotions get the best of me. I didnt do any crazy texting or calling, I just feel like I scared him away. I know men dont do well women talking about their feelings. No contact for 6-8 months should be enough before I reach out again? Every 5 or 6 years we talk like friends but this time our breakup was mentioned.

 

Um...what??? Isn't he "happily married"? Aren't you also "happily married"?

 

He doesn't care about your feelings, especially after 10 years! Obviously, he has NO feelings for you, nor should he, because he's married!

 

Contact him again - 5 months or 5 years - and you'll really scare him.

[Soulsearching07]

While I can see how you would judge me, this is something Ive nevee dealt with before. I am hapilly married and my husband knows of these sudden emotions. I do think I jumped the gun by saying I still loved him, I did get a rush of crazy feelings when we met. Most of those feelings of hurt, anger, and happy all at the same time. This whole situation was only about money. But when I saw him, it brought back all these raw emotions. I never dealt with the breakup. I just simply went MIA for years. Never gave him a second thought. I built an amazing life. I literally have it all, yet more than 10 years later, Im still able to have these raw feelings. I was so happy to be able to catch up with him, and in strictly a way like you would a friend. But when the conversation ended well, I texted him about the breakup. I asked how it was so easy for him to move on. I told him I was devastated to learn he slept with our friend. So while you may judge me, just know until you build a life with someone who you both obtain assetts together, live with someone for years, and to have it all taken away. Have to start all over, and have salt added to the wound, you only want to know that the other person did care at once, or that he was sorry for what happend. He is the sole reason why I dont trust men. He is the sole reason that I give my husband 90% because Im afraid theres a 10% chance my husband could **** me over like he did. It makes no sense to others, but thats ok. Ive learned a lot about myself in these last few weeks. All I wanted was to feel wanted by someone who rejected me. Im way better than this, and yet this whole situation has consumed me. Thank God my husband listens and tells me he is sorry that I hurt. Im in my mid thirties and am too old for this **** yet I have no control over my feelings. Im working on making rationalizing this as we speak, but please, before you judge, just know that even the strong ones who have it all, cant control them wanting to be accepted by someone who rejected them.

[JuneL]

I ruined it by texting him to say that I never got closure from our breakup, that I was devastated by how he acted after the break up. Who texts their ex this after breaking up 10 yeara ago!

 

I think we all saw this coming when you sent him that flirty text.

 

My life is so great, Im happy

 

Yeah right

[dumbass2]

First off, you didn't ruin anything with your ex. There was nothing to ruin. Now keep this up and you will ruin your current relationship. If I was your current partner I would be having some serious concerns about you.

[mightycpa]

My ex gf owed me a few thousand dollars.

 

 

About 7 years later, she emailed me saying she wanted to repay it. I was quite surprised because it was one of those relationships where I was a GIVER, stopped her from committing suicide etc. Even stopped her from getting kicked out of the country due to VISA issues.

 

 

Anyway, the money was actually my mum's so after thinking about it I responded with something like this:

 

 

"At the time that money was given to in good faith. If you feel the urge to pay it back you can. Here are by bank details XXXX XXXXXXX. I wasn't necessarily expecting to be paid back but if that something you would like to do, that is fine by me"

 

 

She never ended up paying it and a few weeks later emailing me saying she really just wanted to know if I still hated her.

I didn't when you first wrote, but I do now. Have a nice life.

[mightycpa]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the above text extremely odd (sorry for being blunt)? In what sense is repaying him your debt after some many years of delay "doing something nice" to him? If anything, you should be the one to thank him, for not going after you in the small claim court.

 

But I guess your text has achieved what you wanted, as it sounds like he totally took the bait.

Yeah, I found it a little pushy and self-congratulating, like, "you really need to thank me because I didn't turn out to be a deadbeat after all! Where's your manners?"

[mightycpa]

OP, I guess you've learned that the trouble with not dealing with loss is that it will find a way for you to deal with it, and every other emotion you have is at risk, because they are built on a hollow foundation.

 

It sounds like you were summarily dumped, with no warning signs, no explanation that satisfied you and when the door hit you on the a$$, it hurt. In the best of times, that kind of thing can take years to be resolved, because deep down inside, you feel like you were robbed, and part of you will always regret it and never really understand it. When the dumper doesn't act needy at all, but acts happy and walks away independently instead, it exacerbates the problem, because you don't have the opportunity to grieve together and come to a mutual understanding.

 

You know that these sudden feelings of love, loss and sorrow are real, but there's a part of you that also knows they are historic in nature, like the past invading your present, so that they can't be real. I suspect that you're just going to have to work through it now because you didn't before.

 

I think you shouldn't put a time limit on NC. You'll know when you don't care either way, and at that point, why would you contact him anyway?

 

Be careful, because when these feelings begin to wash out of you, you are going to be susceptible to falling for someone new. Good luck.

[springy]

You might consider counseling to help you navigate through these emotions and improve your relationship with your own husband.

[whatnot]

While I can see how you would judge me, this is something Ive nevee dealt with before. I am hapilly married and my husband knows of these sudden emotions. I do think I jumped the gun by saying I still loved him, I did get a rush of crazy feelings when we met. Most of those feelings of hurt, anger, and happy all at the same time. This whole situation was only about money. But when I saw him, it brought back all these raw emotions. I never dealt with the breakup. I just simply went MIA for years. Never gave him a second thought. I built an amazing life. I literally have it all, yet more than 10 years later, Im still able to have these raw feelings. I was so happy to be able to catch up with him, and in strictly a way like you would a friend. But when the conversation ended well, I texted him about the breakup. I asked how it was so easy for him to move on. I told him I was devastated to learn he slept with our friend. So while you may judge me, just know until you build a life with someone who you both obtain assetts together, live with someone for years, and to have it all taken away. Have to start all over, and have salt added to the wound, you only want to know that the other person did care at once, or that he was sorry for what happend. He is the sole reason why I dont trust men. He is the sole reason that I give my husband 90% because Im afraid theres a 10% chance my husband could **** me over like he did. It makes no sense to others, but thats ok. Ive learned a lot about myself in these last few weeks. All I wanted was to feel wanted by someone who rejected me. Im way better than this, and yet this whole situation has consumed me. Thank God my husband listens and tells me he is sorry that I hurt. Im in my mid thirties and am too old for this **** yet I have no control over my feelings. Im working on making rationalizing this as we speak, but please, before you judge, just know that even the strong ones who have it all, cant control them wanting to be accepted by someone who rejected them.

 

I've been exactly where you are. You're carrying baggage about a prior love relationship and you wanted you ex partner to help you resolve it. This was apparent to most of us when you first posted.

 

This is not about you as a person. It's about your actions.

 

No one's saying you're not strong. No one's saying you haven't built an amazing life. No one's saying you don't have it all. No one's saying that you don't have a husband who isn't sympathetic to the fact that you still have feelings about your ex.

 

It's wrong to put people in a position of trying to give you emotional closure whose responsibility it's not to do so.

 

That's our own jobs as adults. After many mistakes...it's counseling that finally helped me with mine.

 

No one here can judge. We've all made mistakes. Emotional pain is the worst kind of pain. And it drives us all to do things we shouldn't. And it leaves us with guilt, remorse, anger and pain. We want someone to take these feelings from us. We justify and rationalize all sorts of destructive behavior.

 

Counselling with a disinterested 3rd party is the place for closure. Anywhere else is tilling the soil for others' pain. Not to mention increasing our own.

Edited May 24, 2017 by whatnot

[SoThatHappened]

Fist post reasoning:

I am starting to feel guilty about a car we co-signed

Now the truth comes out.

 

This whole thing was built on a lie, you're probably causing problems in your current "happily married" relationship, and you acted like you did your ex a favor.

 

You're probably causing him more harm than good due to your attitude of:

 

"Thats how us normal people thank someone when they do something nice"

 

Nice? Sounds more like self-serving and detrimental to all parties involved, especially since everyone is "happily married."

[JuneL]

Fist post reasoning:

 

Now the truth comes out.

 

This whole thing was built on a lie, you're probably causing problems in your current "happily married" relationship, and you acted like you did your ex a favor.

 

You're probably causing him more harm than good due to your attitude of:

 

"Thats how us normal people thank someone when they do something nice"

 

Nice? Sounds more like self-serving and detrimental to all parties involved, especially since everyone is "happily married."

 

I think she also wanted to show to her ex that she's no longer financially unstable like when they were dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't buy for a second that you are happily married. Not anymore.

 

Happily married folks don't go manufacturing reasons to contact their ex, 10 years after the fact. Happily married folks aren't this upset by a conversation with their ex.

 

It's time for you to start being honest with yourself. Are you lonely in your marriage? Bored? Like your husband okay, but no longer in love?

 

Start dealing with the present instead of dredging up the past on false pretenses.

[JuneL]

I don't buy for a second that you are happily married. Not anymore.

 

Happily married folks don't go manufacturing reasons to contact their ex, 10 years after the fact. Happily married folks aren't this upset by a conversation with their ex.

 

It's time for you to start being honest with yourself. Are you lonely in your marriage? Bored? Like your husband okay, but no longer in love?

 

Start dealing with the present instead of dredging up the past on false pretenses.

 

This.

 

OP: You are not only dishonest with yourself, but what you are trying to do with your ex is also very selfish and disrespectful both to him and to his wife (and of course, to your husband). Go fix your marriage. Are you sure your husband is totally fine with this fiasco? I can't imagine any self-respecting man would tolerate such behavior by his wife.

Edited May 24, 2017 by JuneL