Restoring faith in men and relationships

[preraph]

I like to think that if you expect more, you'll get more. But the truth is every filter you put on like that is just a filter. If you expect more, you are weeding out a lot of guys and it is discouraging if there are none remaining.

 

This thread made me think of men I knew who I think were good men who treated their wives right and were married a long time and it was two of my uncles. I kind of wish I'd asked both of them for advice on men when I was younger. But one of them was a bit of a rascal, a trucker, and not sure if he ever cheated but would have been easy for him to do. The other was as straight and narrow as they come, but I know he fell from grace once at the hand of my father getting him loaded and foisting a prostitute on him, but he was at least remorseful and ashamed of himself for it going as far as it did. But they were still the two closest to being devoted to their wives that I ever met.

But I'm thinking what my aunt married to the straight arrow would say for advice, and I think she'd say to cook well and take care of your looks and not to take things too seriously, probably.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've figured out that a lot more men would cheat if given the right opportunity than I used to think. (Women, too.) I was naive.

 

Personally, I've maintained a strict boundary against getting involved with married men, though plenty of attractive ones have approached me, usually under the early guise of being single.

 

I think the best thing you can do is realize that happiness comes from within and no one can take that from you if you don't let them. A lot of the men that a lot of women view as "top guys" have enormous egos that demand variety in women to satisfy them. The last company I worked for was rife with handsome "alpha" guys with picture-perfect wives they seemed bored with. They flirted shamelessly with everything in the office in a skirt. This was very eye-opening. I was one of the very few women who didn't participate in their office girl harems.

 

You could get any kind of guy and he might cheat on you, even if you're good to him and have his babies. Some men will do this no matter what lengths their wives go to, simply because they're driven to pursue the variety. Some men find ultimate validation through the conquest of women.

 

So I think the key is to find peace and happiness within yourself... cuz **** happens.

[dichotomy]

 

I've slept with several cheaters. Am certainly not proud of it now.

 

That's a good thing. I would say you wont help your chances of finding good man if you have knowingly been the OW in affairs (I assume thats what you did). It crushed me to find (after wedding) that my wife had slept with married men.

 

And I personally know a lot men from work who cheat and their age ranges from twenties to fifties. Sometimes we tend to put the blame on the women for not attending to their men and their needs. But among the cheaters I know they just love the extra attention, sex and thrill. And most importantly, a distorted sense of entitlement.

 

Your right - men (and women) cheat for a different reasons. Some are just womanizers and its power and entitlement. Some are stuck in bad marriages with no sex or love. Lots of different reasons.

 

I know one way of avoiding myself from ending up with this kinda men is to identify them from the early dating stage then walk away.

 

That is wise and healthy ! Good for you.

 

Still, I have turned into the disillusioned and bitter person I am today. I have always wanted to be childless and now, there is a stronger reason not to raise any man's kids because its disheartening to be cheated on by someone whom you thought you two shared a special bond and then having your life ****ed because you simply can't walk away anytime now that you are tied down with kid(s).

 

Well they are YOUR kids as well. Not to change your mind BUT no one will love you - or you them - more than YOUR own child. Many a divorced person has focused on the children as the one positive thing in their lives and that they dont regret having them - even with a jerk ex spouse. However many people do stay married due to kids and home and more. Marriage is complicated and hard. Your choice not to have kids should be based on a general life style choice and not that spouses can cheat on you.

 

I'm only 29 and I hate having these cynical views. Helps

 

I understand I am 50 and I am cynical as well. Both my wives (ex and current) cheated on me. I am also stuck in a very low/poor quality sex marriage. But I dont regret raising her kids (Steps) or having my own - thats been my greatest accomplishment - and probably the main focus and reason for being at this point in my life.

 

 

 

 

See responses above. You do know that married women cheat as well ? and the % of MW doing this has been growing. Many reasons why MW cheat, but some are just as bad as MM who cheat.

 

My own cynical view is that PEOPLE are flawed and will hurt you one way or another. Put another way - all dogs and cats - even the nice ones - can and will probably bite you if take one as a companion

Edited May 31, 2017 by dichotomy

[Aqulesco]

OP, I went through a lot of what you're sharing and now, as an older guy myself, I tried a different approach, that being accepting women as they are and remaining true to my own boundaries. Hence, having been around many MW's in life, I accept there are MW's and there will always be MW's and they are people just like myself and do what they do in life like anyone else does and simply adhere to my own boundaries regarding sexual or romantic relationships. TBH, they're kinda fun to play with, not in a cruel way but in an honest human way. I can't change them so I changed myself to a more neutral POV on the whole milieu. In general, I consider every woman I meet to be married or attached until time, interaction and research show she isn't. I don't see that as cynical or bitter rather prudent and realistic because, generally, every woman I meet is married or attached.

 

How you approach men and those men soliciting you for sexual or romantic favors is up to you. Hopefully you'll find a process you feel healthy about.

 

does it relieve the guilt of the hitman hired to murder a husband by saying, "if she didnt find me, she would have found someone else":(

 

the truth is that people who cheat with married people will never find their own faithful relationships. Its not just their "point of view" or cynicism, its karma

 

There are loving happy marriages with true faithfulness and fidelity. It might be rare but it does exist