My spouse is continuing his affair.. I don't want to lose my marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sweet girl...your husband still has your heart...so no one thinks that you should sign off and find a new husband.

 

We think you need to find YOU. This situation is overwhelming....and your ego has been crushed...and yopur world is spinning out of control...and you just want your life back.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is...your life as you knew it is forever gone. Even if your husband comes to his senses and begs your forgiveness and grovels at your feet.

 

But life can be good....and the first step is beleiveing in yourself..you as a person...without him. YOu have more strength than you ever imagined and you can live a wonderful life withput a man who is treating you disrespectfully.

 

One important thing I have learned...I have to respect myself enough to never allow someone to use me again....and I have to love myself in order to be lovable....

 

We want to be loved for who we are just the way we are....and my husband always has....and i love him for loving me...inspite of the horrible things i have done.

 

You certainly have the power to love your husband in spite of this and i beleive you do...but he has to love you and respect you for who you are....and to be honest with you...he loves himself more than anyone else at the moment. He can change....there's always hope....but there is also the reality that he has made it clear he wants someone else. this breaks my heart....becasue i think he is losing a terrific partner. I hear it in your voice. But you cannot make him love you and you cannot make him stay and you cannot make him change.

 

The only person you can control is you.

[aadams]

He went to a movie with me lastnight. I really thought he wouldn't want to go. It was awkward though because there was 0 affection.. it felt like I was at a movie with a really strange first date or friend. He also keeps talking about the dj stuff to me and mentioning that he will get to dj another day soon. However when I asked him twice for some of his dj money to contribute to our bank account he has said we don't need it because of our income taxes. Which are dwindling away slowly and our bills had financially been an issue before tax time. He's always given me most of his dj money for our acct in the past. Now I'm working maybe he's holding it back from me to save to move out or divorce? Of course I'm always thinking negative about all of this. My husband is being such a selfish person.. it's like I'm living with someone I have to meet all over again.

[BaileyB]

I'm willing to try just about anything at this point to try and get my marriage back on track. The wait in limbo not knowing when or what will happen is driving me crazy.

 

That would be great - if you had a partner who wanted to get the marriage back on track. But you don't have this. Your partner is lying to you and continuing the affair while he strings you along... One person can not save a marriage so you are wasting your time and your energy at this point.

 

And the thing is, you don't need to wait in limbo, not knowing what will happen, waiting and hoping that your husband will pick you. You have the ability to make a different decision - your own decision - to tell him that you and your children deserve more from a husband and father and kick his lying, cheating a$$ to the curb!

Edited April 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I think he is losing a terrific partner. But you cannot make him love you and you cannot make him stay and you cannot make him change.

 

Requoted for absolute truth.

 

The only person that you control is yourself. The people who you are responsible for are your children. Remember that - they look to you to be their leader now.

 

Don't stay with a man who treats you with such little respect because you are afraid to be on your own. Don't even stay because you still love him... Of course, you still love him. But, it is not enough. He has chosen to put his own selfish needs ahead of his family and he has chosen another woman.

 

He will only give you the respect you deserve when you demand it. Staying around, waiting for him to make a decision and chose his family over his affair partner is not a good plan... You deserve so much more. Take care.

[sandylee1]

I want to put my foot down but still hold hope that maybe just maybe he will come around. It's just hard because each time I learn more info it makes my mind go back and forth with what to do again.

 

Why should you be hoping he comes around, when he hasnt shown one ounce of remorse?

 

This is where you'll have him treat you like crap because you're desperate to have him and you aren't focusing on what you should.

 

He basically told you because so many people know. That so many know shows he wasn't scared of you finding out and he doesn't respect you at all.

 

I might have missed it but there's not even as much as an apology to you.

 

You see more bothered about him wanting to end the marriage ,than the actual cheating. Or perhaps if he confessed and wanted to reconcile, then you'd focus on the cheating.

 

While you can't physically throw him out. You should stop engaging with him, stop cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry if you normally do.

 

Do you know if you've been exposed to Std's? I suggest you get checked out. I'd think the mere fact that you have to get an STD test because your husband has been having unprotected sex with an OW, is enough to get you mad and stop letting him dictate how this goes.

 

He who cares least has the most power in the relationship.... and that person is not you.

 

Can you imagine a scenario where you told him you'd been having an affair and showed no remorse and just carried on living there?

[Mr Blunt]

Aadams, have you thought long and hard about what Mrs. John Adams said below?

 

 

 

 

By Mrs Adams:

But life can be good....and the first step is believing in yourself. You as a person...without him.

 

One important thing I have learned...I have to respect myself enough to never allow someone to use me again....and I have to love myself in order to be lovable....

 

there is also the reality that he has made it clear he wants someone else

you cannot make him love you and you cannot make him stay and you cannot make him change.

 

The only person you can control is you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aadams, I hope that you see that you are in a weakened state and you want to avoid the truths that you have been given as quoted above. Please do not rug sweep the truths that Mrs Adams has sated above. No one blames you for being weak as we all were when hit with betrayal. Your choice now is to stop wasting time trying to heal/change your husband but “start believing in yourself …without him” so that you will not be so compromising and weak.

 

Your goal should be to get yourself strong enough so that you can be ok with him or without him. For now your focus should be on you and your children; that is your first obligation. You cannot depend on your husband to put you first as he has proven that you are not first in his life. You will either become stronger or become a door mat

 

A weak BS always loses and a strong BS always gets better.

 

 

What is your plan to believe in yourself and get stronger?

[aadams]

Your goal should be to get yourself strong enough so that you can be ok with him or without him. For now your focus should be on you and your children; that is your first obligation. You cannot depend on your husband to put you first as he has proven that you are not first in his life. You will either become stronger or become a door mat

 

A weak BS always loses and a strong BS always gets better.

 

 

What is your plan to believe in yourself and get stronger?

 

As of right now.. I am still learning. I am in counseling and we have finally established my husband is a narcassist. I have always wondered. But to actually hear the audio books and speaking with my counselor on it really hits home. I found myself crying and covered in chills to realize I have been emotionally abused and have had my self worth broken for 11 years by a man I've loved to deeply. Rebuilding my strength and self worth has proven very difficult. Especially when he still is living in the basement of our home and still our doing whatever he wants. I have finally taken it upon myself though to do I what I want with my morals still there. So spending a lot of time with friends and trying to meet new friends as well. He has recently mentioned plans of eventually moving out. He has been stashing his dj money and not contributing it to our finances which he usually would. He has days where he is a complete ass to me and days where he's ok to be around. His Facebook photos and mine are still the same. The fact that his are is weird to me still. I just don't have the heart to change mine until he does. I have met with an attorney for a free consult to get my head wrapped around the next possible step. We do have a ton of financial issues. All of that new marriage debt and then some.. with our credit being crap and having so much debt I get also super worried about losing the house and car and not having the credit worthiness to buy myself and children a new home. There isn't room for us or our stuff to stay with anyone. Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled up I just have so much going on in my mind. So much to mentally prepare for. Wish I could just fast forward to whenever it gets better.

[aadams]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post

Your goal should be to get yourself strong enough so that you can be ok with him or without him. For now your focus should be on you and your children; that is your first obligation. You cannot depend on your husband to put you first as he has proven that you are not first in his life. You will either become stronger or become a door mat

 

A weak BS always loses and a strong BS always gets better.

 

 

What is your plan to believe in yourself and get stronger?

As of right now.. I am still learning. I am in counseling and we have finally established my husband is a narcassist. I have always wondered. But to actually hear the audio books and speaking with my counselor on it really hits home. I found myself crying and covered in chills to realize I have been emotionally abused and have had my self worth broken for 11 years by a man I've loved to deeply. Rebuilding my strength and self worth has proven very difficult. Especially when he still is living in the basement of our home and still our doing whatever he wants. I have finally taken it upon myself though to do I what I want with my morals still there. So spending a lot of time with friends and trying to meet new friends as well. He has recently mentioned plans of eventually moving out. He has been stashing his dj money and not contributing it to our finances which he usually would. He has days where he is a complete ass to me and days where he's ok to be around. His Facebook photos and mine are still the same. The fact that his are is weird to me still. I just don't have the heart to change mine until he does. I have met with an attorney for a free consult to get my head wrapped around the next possible step. We do have a ton of financial issues. All of that new marriage debt and then some.. with our credit being crap and having so much debt I get also super worried about losing the house and car and not having the credit worthiness to buy myself and children a new home. There isn't room for us or our stuff to stay with anyone. Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled up I just have so much going on in my mind. So much to mentally prepare for. Wish I could just fast forward to whenever it gets better.

[Overtaxed]

As of right now.. I am still learning. I am in counseling and we have finally established my husband is a narcassist. I have always wondered. But to actually hear the audio books and speaking with my counselor on it really hits home. I found myself crying and covered in chills to realize I have been emotionally abused and have had my self worth broken for 11 years by a man I've loved to deeply. Rebuilding my strength and self worth has proven very difficult. Especially when he still is living in the basement of our home and still our doing whatever he wants. I have finally taken it upon myself though to do I what I want with my morals still there. So spending a lot of time with friends and trying to meet new friends as well. He has recently mentioned plans of eventually moving out. He has been stashing his dj money and not contributing it to our finances which he usually would. He has days where he is a complete ass to me and days where he's ok to be around. His Facebook photos and mine are still the same. The fact that his are is weird to me still. I just don't have the heart to change mine until he does. I have met with an attorney for a free consult to get my head wrapped around the next possible step. We do have a ton of financial issues. All of that new marriage debt and then some.. with our credit being crap and having so much debt I get also super worried about losing the house and car and not having the credit worthiness to buy myself and children a new home. There isn't room for us or our stuff to stay with anyone. Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled up I just have so much going on in my mind. So much to mentally prepare for. Wish I could just fast forward to whenever it gets better.

 

Him being a narcissist does NOT excuse what he did, nor does it mean that's the cause of his cheating. I'm a narcissist, I've never cheated on my W (she did cheat on me though), and, if you look hard enough, we all have traits of narcissism; it's just society today. What drives me mad is when people use that as an excuse to do horrible things. It's not because your "into yourself" or a narcissist, it's because you're an a**hole. Using special "psych" terms doesn't change the fact that you (he, in this case) has control over his actions! You don't need to kill people if you have anti-social disorder, you don't need to be a swinger if your a sex addict, and you don't need to be a self-absorbed pr**k if you're a narcissist. What you need to do is recognize that weakness/failing and make sure you work to mitigate or control it as much as possible. Not say, "well, I'm a narc, so I guess it's "just me"". Total cop out.

 

Sorry, bit of a rant, I'm just so sick of people not owning their crap and looking to a diagnosis to justify their behavior. All the diagnosis does is confirm "Yup, you're an a**hole", not justify the behavior.

[Mr Blunt]

Aadams,

You are in counseling; you are doing what you want, spending a lot of time with friends and making new friends, and you have consulted an attorney. CONGRATULATIONS you have started to take some positive steps!

 

What I did was to get involved in one of my bucket lists goals. I went back to night college (Community College) and finished my AA degree. That is just a small degree but it stimulated me and kept me from thinking so much about the betrayal and my WS. Do you have a bucket list? Also, I got back into my faith and that helped a LOT!

 

You seem to be still attached to your husband too much but with time and more of the right actions you will be a lot less attached. It may take a few years but you have not even lived half your adult life so be a long term planer. Do not get discouraged if you fall down several times but remember KEEP GETTING UP and you will be a LOT better in time! Millions of women have done it and so can you.

Edited May 9, 2017 by Mr Blunt

[Mrin]

Just to chime in - I score really high on the narcissist tests too. But I'd never do anything like this. You h's behavior has a lot more to do with him just being an ass.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[aadams]

At this point I'm feeling trapped. We have so much debt and a house we haven't had 3 years yet. He opened a second bank acct and made his checks split to $300 into the joint acct and the rest into his. He also is saving his dj money. I told him his two checks will over cover half of our house payment. He said whatever else I need I'll have to ask for from him. I just feel like he is seriously being stupid and not thinking clearly. He has a plan to one day move out and is saving for that reason. I feel screwed over and angry. I'm finding it harder To be around him due to him continuing his affairs and his bold ridiculous decisions. I told him in our last argument I'm always going to love him but I'm at a point I wish I didn't. And that I wish I could find a way out for me and the kids to get away and start a new life. He always asks "what are you thinking?" "What do you want?" Which angers me more because he already knows. I WANT my marriage to work. It's like he wants me to beg. But I'm not going to keep fighting and throwing myself emotionally into something where the person literally acts like they could give a da$& that I exist. His mom and I talked yesterday and she still seems somewhat defensive of him which I understand it's her son but between his choices you'd think she would want to shake him and yell at him. I've said I want to keep the house if we split she told me I can't we would have to sell it since its in both of our names and that I can't take his car that's bought with my settlement money from him. I said it's the only asset that we have that's worth anything and paid for so considering we still have his old car I'd say yea it could be sold to atleast cover some debts. She also didn't like that I've spoken to an attorney. And tells me she doesn't have the answer for this and says whichever way it ends we need to get along. I told her him and I couldn't be friends outside of our marriage because I will always be the one who wants more and that's torture. Im just so over this stress. I truly wish I had a way out. Since there are kids involved I can't just say screw it and let everything go. Does anyone have Experience with a situation like mine that has insightful advice?

[BaileyB]

I don't have any advice, because I've never been in your situation. It is a mess, with the debt and the kids. I would think that your best asset right now may be a lawyer - you need to protect yourself financially from this man because he will run you into the ground... It will only get worse. If/when you separate, he will need to pay child support and he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who is going to do that willingly.

 

Please see this with the kindness that it is intended, but please DONT ever give your power away to a man! Its really awful when a man doesn't support his family and makes decisions that would put his children at risk. But, a woman who lets a man make these decisions and put her family at risk is not wise. I'm sorry to say that is what you are doing right now because you"love" him still and you want your marriage to work.

 

You really need to work on a plan to support yourself and get away from this man before he ruins you, financially. And, I would definitely not seek advice from his mom - that seems like a conflict of interest, don't you think?

 

Best wishes.

Edited May 13, 2017 by BaileyB