Ladies, would you date a broke middle aged man who is pursuing a master's degree?

[Gaeta]

I'm 44 so I guess I'm on the young end of middle age. As for how I ended up having to move back in with my parents, the biggest reason was a job loss. I ended up working as a business man but my education is in science. I took the business job because, while the wage wasn't very high, it was offset by big bonuses, mostly company stock. When I lost my job I learned the hard way that my science degree no longer meant anything. It was considered obsolete because I had graduated a long time ago and I had never used it other than for an internship right after graduation. I was stuck in my early 40's with no real job skills. All of my experience with the previous job did not translate into skills needed by other companies. More recent education seems to be my only route.

 

Then go flip burgers at MacDonald, take a job in a manufacture, take a job as a janitor, anything to pay your own place even if it's a 2 X 2 room.

 

I am a 51 professional. My BF abandoned everything in France at 48 to start over in Canada. He is broke as can be. He is full time in school to get is Canadian Electrical License. He has a few friends here from France that have offered him shelter till he gets his license but to him it's not an option. Instead he works every odd jobs he can get, some pay good and some pay minimal wages. He will do everything to maintain independent and live in his own place. He's gone from 6 am to 11 pm each and every day, he works full time and in school full time.

 

When I met him I was impressed with his character and his determination. Even though he has nothing under his feet for now he makes me feel safe. I know if he had to he'd go out and kill a moose with his bare hands to feed me (figure of speech).

 

If he had been living at his friends when I met him I would not have dated him, living at his mom? heck no! If you need your mom to put a roof over your head in your 40s it's because you lack determination, organization, independence and pride. A man, a real one, does not live with his mom, like my bf he scrapes every penny he can to maintain his dignity and independence.

[Sweetfish]

So the moral of this story is $$$

 

Hope you're listening guys.

 

O.P. get your degree and don't worry what anyone thinks about you. If they don't want you at your lowest...don't accept them at your highest. Don't worry about relationships as they require energy. You need all your energy to accomplish what you need to do.

 

This energy is study time.

You time.

Money time.

Edited May 3, 2017 by Sweetfish

[E-Squared]

Then go flip burgers at MacDonald, take a job in a manufacture, take a job as a janitor, anything to pay your own place even if it's a 2 X 2 room.

 

I am a 51 professional. My BF abandoned everything in France at 48 to start over in Canada. He is broke as can be. He is full time in school to get is Canadian Electrical License. He has a few friends here from France that have offered him shelter till he gets his license but to him it's not an option. Instead he works every odd jobs he can get, some pay good and some pay minimal wages. He will do everything to maintain independent and live in his own place. He's gone from 6 am to 11 pm each and every day, he works full time and in school full time.

 

When I met him I was impressed with his character and his determination. Even though he has nothing under his feet for now he makes me feel safe. I know if he had to he'd go out and kill a moose with his bare hands to feed me (figure of speech).

 

If he had been living at his friends when I met him I would not have dated him, living at his mom? heck no! If you need your mom to put a roof over your head in your 40s it's because you lack determination, organization, independence and pride. A man, a real one, does not live with his mom, like my bf he scrapes every penny he can to maintain his dignity and independence.

 

So I suppose it's ideal for someone to struggle living in some apartment rather than try to save money while living with his folks?

[JuneL]

So I suppose it's ideal for someone to struggle living in some apartment rather than try to save money while living with his folks?

 

Yes, I agree with Gaeta. Any grown adult should be independent and should be responsible for herself/himself. To be honest, I would have much more respect for a grown man (or woman, for that matter) who is trying hard to lead an independent and self-sufficient life than one who has to depend on financial support from his folks or from inheritance.

[JuneL]

But I assume your hubby didn't live with his parents then, right?

 

Upon meeting you how would I know anything about your present financial position? Don't overshare you're tale of woe.

 

 

Do put a good spin on it for the first few dates: Life took some unexpected turns. I'm pursuing a Master's degree & am a "poor student" right now. Let the woman connect the dots that your earning potential will go up once you get that degree. Do plan some creative dates: hikes, picnics, seeing a free show in the park, etc. You don't have to spend money.

 

 

When I first started dating my husband I was a licensed professional who owned my own business & he was an adult learner delivering newspapers to make ends meet. I was impressed by his work ethic. I paid for the expensive dates early on but he contributed to our entertainment. We ate a lot of ice cream & stared into each other's eyes across picnic tables in the park.

 

 

If you don't paint a picture of yourself as a loser, the quality women you date won't get that wrong impression of you. But if you think you have no value, you will be hard pressed to find a woman to date.

[Gaeta]

So I suppose it's ideal for someone to struggle living in some apartment rather than try to save money while living with his folks?

 

It's shameful to be living at your parents in your 40s. At that age you are suppose to be fetching for yourself. Your parents raised you to adulthood they've done their job. You are supposed to be equipped enough to face life without having to rely on them again.

 

If I lived at my parents I'd save a sh&t load of money but that's not what life is about. Life is about struggling and still making it on your own. It's about building character and resilience and being reliable for yourself.

 

How am I EVER gonna feel safe with a man that runs to his mom each time the going gets tough in life? I need a man that can pull his sleeves up and get dirty if necessary to pay the bills and food on the table. That his how a woman recognize a good hard working reliable partner.

[No_Go]

Assuming it is a temporary situation & you have a good plan how you'd proceed after finishing school - it is not a deal breaker. If you don't have a plan in sight (i.e. where you'd live, what you'd do, when you'd graduate) - then is a deal breaker.

 

Living with parents late in life... unless is something very temporary or is done to support them in some way (e.g. if they are sick) doesn't look good. But similar to breaks on your resume when applying for a job, you can explain it to potential gfs and hope they'll be understanding.

[No_Go]

Did I mention that I'm about to inherit $50,000-$60,000 US dollars? I need to save as much of that as possible but it would be money to splurge on an occasional date.

 

HELL NO - you don't have a job and you want to splurge on dates???

 

I'd always say - that's a huge deal breaker to me. If a guy who is not well off financially (stable income) splurges, even if it is presents for me, that immediately makes me nervous. I just can't get rid of the mental picture that years down the road if we get serious and merge our money he'll be doing the same (splurging) and sucking me dry.

 

There are so many fun free dates.

 

Get your inheritance and invest it.

[Sweetfish]

It's shameful to be living at your parents in your 40s. At that age you are suppose to be fetching for yourself. Your parents raised you to adulthood they've done their job. You are supposed to be equipped enough to face life without having to rely on them again.

 

If I lived at my parents I'd save a sh&t load of money but that's not what life is about. Life is about struggling and still making it on your own. It's about building character and resilience and being reliable for yourself.

 

How am I EVER gonna feel safe with a man that runs to his mom each time the going gets tough in life? I need a man that can pull his sleeves up and get dirty if necessary to pay the bills and food on the table. That his how a woman recognize a good hard working reliable partner.

 

 

I don't 100% agree with this... with economy and inflation, the average North american cannot afford by standards a house on their own. This is not the 50's and 60's

anymore.

 

No one should be shamed that they live with their parents or any other living standards. We just came out of a housing bubble. Most houses in major cities are insanely high. I would hope the O.P. upon getting supplement of money that he doesnt foolishly run to buy a house instantly and waits until he acquires his masters or decent job.

 

 

What I question is his degree. Why does it require a master to go from pizza man to well of???

 

O.P. dont let shame, social stigma, or your desire to attract the opposite sex allow you to make foolish decisions, or feel depression. Your family helped you when no one else could and that is why they are there.

 

But in your situation I hope you learned from your mistakes.

[JuneL]

I don't think Gaeta was asking him to buy a house with his inheritance. She was more saying that it would make more sense to work more hours and rent a small room (even just a crappy one), instead of relying on daddy and mommy. There is nothing shameful about being dirt poor, but one shouldn't be proud about relying on her/his parents for financial support at this age.

 

And I assume it's not super cheap to maintain a "cool sports car"?

 

 

I don't 100% agree with this... with economy and inflation, the average North american cannot afford by standards a house on their own. This is not the 50's and 60's

anymore.

 

No one should be shamed that they live with their parents or any other living standards. We just came out of a housing bubble. Most houses in major cities are insanely high. I would hope the O.P. upon getting supplement of money that he doesnt foolishly run to buy a house instantly and waits until he acquires his masters or decent job.

 

 

What I question is his degree. Why does it require a master to go from pizza man to well of???

 

O.P. dont let shame, social stigma, or your desire to attract the opposite sex allow you to make foolish decisions, or feel depression. Your family helped you when no one else could and that is why they are there.

 

But in your situation I hope you learned from your mistakes.

Edited May 4, 2017 by JuneL

[Gaeta]

I don't 100% agree with this... with economy and inflation, the average North american cannot afford by standards a house on their own. This is not the 50's and 60's

anymore.

 

No one should be shamed that they live with their parents or any other living standards. We just came out of a housing bubble. Most houses in major cities are insanely high. I would hope the O.P. upon getting supplement of money that he doesnt foolishly run to buy a house instantly and waits until he acquires his masters or decent job.

 

 

What I question is his degree. Why does it require a master to go from pizza man to well of???

 

O.P. dont let shame, social stigma, or your desire to attract the opposite sex allow you to make foolish decisions, or feel depression. Your family helped you when no one else could and that is why they are there.

 

But in your situation I hope you learned from your mistakes.

 

I have never said he should buy a house. I said he should have his own place even if it's the size of a closet. Why can't he work? Why can't he be in an apartment with room-mates? why can't he rent a cheap bachelor?

 

A man struggling in a 300 square foot bachelor will attract me 100% more than a man living wit his mom.

[Gaeta]

I don't think Gaeta was asking him to buy a house with his inheritance. She was more saying that it would make more sense to work more hours and rent a small room (even just a crappy one), instead of relying on daddy and mommy. There is nothing shameful about being dirt poor, but one shouldn't be proud about relying on her/his parents for financial support at this age.

 

100% accurate, thank you

[Gaeta]

Did I mention that I'm about to inherit $50,000-$60,000 US dollars? I need to save as much of that as possible but it would be money to splurge on an occasional date.

 

A man with 60K in the bank but living with his mom and splurging on me instead of compensating his parents for taking him in would be a total turn off.

[matt1162]

HELL NO - you don't have a job and you want to splurge on dates???

 

I'd always say - that's a huge deal breaker to me. If a guy who is not well off financially (stable income) splurges, even if it is presents for me, that immediately makes me nervous. I just can't get rid of the mental picture that years down the road if we get serious and merge our money he'll be doing the same (splurging) and sucking me dry.

 

There are so many fun free dates.

 

Get your inheritance and invest it.

 

I suspect you and I have a different idea of splurging. I'm talking about a casual family restaurant dinner and a movie kind of splurge. I think by your tone and telling me it's shameful for living with my parents, that you're posting to bust my balls anyway.

[matt1162]

I guess I brought this up as I suffer from severe bipolar depression. I kind of hit it off with a younger lady (she's 31 to my 44) at one of my group therapy sessions. She has the same problem that I do and we really seem to relate to each other's experiences. I know that now I cannot take care of her financially but in 1.5 years I should be finished with my master's degree in environmental science and should be able to land a decent salary then. I already have completed some course work towards the degree but I have some more classes plus a project that's equivalent to a thesis. I'm not going to work while going to school as the grant I'm getting requires me to be a full time student and that grant also has caps on how much I can make and still keep the grant. I'm not making much money now as I'm working part time as a delivery driver (yes, I am at least making some money right now) I live in the part of the country with the worst economy. Jobs that pay enough to make it on your own are few. This degree will open doors for me in government work such at the EPA or Corps of Engineers. If government work doesn't pan out, there are still many jobs in the private sector. I want to move away from this area. I have my sights set on moving 2500 miles away to Oregon. Anyway, I'm just trying to feel this out as to whether to try to get closer to this young lady or just stay out of dating altogether.

[matt1162]

I don't think Gaeta was asking him to buy a house with his inheritance. She was more saying that it would make more sense to work more hours and rent a small room (even just a crappy one), instead of relying on daddy and mommy. There is nothing shameful about being dirt poor, but one shouldn't be proud about relying on her/his parents for financial support at this age.

 

And I assume it's not super cheap to maintain a "cool sports car"?

 

If I work more hours at a dead end job then I end up without the master's degree. I'm sure as hell not "proud" relying on my parents but it's in my best interest and my parent's best interest that I take the 3 semesters and get the advanced degree. They're fine with me being there for the short term. Our family, in particular my mother, had been going through a tragic situation. I was there for her to talk to about her feelings. My father isn't a good listener, I was. This tragic situation involved a lawsuit. The lawsuit has now been settled and we can move on with our lives.

 

And seriously, you're going to rag on me about my sports car? Please. I have a Mazda RX-8 that I bought with 83K miles on it. It cost $5000. I'm not driving a brand new Ferrari or even a BMW. My $5000 car isn't a budget breaker, it's just kind of a cool, unique car.

[JuneL]

I thought you were the one who was bragging about your "cool sports car", no?

 

Anyway, there is no need for you to justify your situation to us. Good luck!

 

 

If I work more hours at a dead end job then I end up without the master's degree. I'm sure as hell not "proud" relying on my parents but it's in my best interest and my parent's best interest that I take the 3 semesters and get the advanced degree. They're fine with me being there for the short term. Our family, in particular my mother, had been going through a tragic situation. I was there for her to talk to about her feelings. My father isn't a good listener, I was. This tragic situation involved a lawsuit. The lawsuit has now been settled and we can move on with our lives.

 

And seriously, you're going to rag on me about my sports car? Please. I have a Mazda RX-8 that I bought with 83K miles on it. It cost $5000. I'm not driving a brand new Ferrari or even a BMW. My $5000 car isn't a budget breaker, it's just kind of a cool, unique car.

[Sweetfish]

I have never said he should buy a house. I said he should have his own place even if it's the size of a closet. Why can't he work? Why can't he be in an apartment with room-mates? why can't he rent a cheap bachelor?

 

A man struggling in a 300 square foot bachelor will attract me 100% more than a man living wit his mom.

 

 

No, i didnt say or qouted that you did.. what i am saying is with the pressure and shaming that he may opt into doing something that may push him to make a risky fiscal move.

 

In some parts of the states a 500 sq ft is 900-1500 or more specially if his degree is in a certain location. Why struggle.. thats what family is for.. who cares?

 

Would you turn away your child in need? Yes or No?

 

I can't decide for you what turns you on or off.

 

But again.. if you cant like someone at their lowest, why do they desire the best of you? So if a woman is turned-off by his living situation she is unwilling to move forward into getting to know him... thats is not a woman I want to be with period.

 

If its important for one to hang on the coat tails of society of whats acceptable more power to you. But if i was in the O.P. situation i wouldnt worry about dating and get my self on track.

[Gaeta]

No, i didnt say or qouted that you did.. what i am saying is with the pressure and shaming that he may opt into doing something that may push him to make a risky fiscal move.

 

In some parts of the states a 500 sq ft is 900-1500 or more specially if his degree is in a certain location. Why struggle.. thats what family is for.. who cares?

 

Would you turn away your child in need? Yes or No?

 

It's not a matter of 'why struggling' it's a matter of pride. I have a 30 year old daughter if she was in need my door would be wide open for her but she would not, maybe because of our culture because in my culture returning to live under your mom's roof after a certain age means you have not tried hard enough. My daughter 30 put herself through college by working 3 jobs. Why struggle? because that is how you build character.

 

But again.. if you cant like someone at their lowest, why do they desire the best of you? So if a woman is turned-off by his living situation she is unwilling to move forward into getting to know him... thats is not a woman I want to be with period.

 

I don't know if you don't understand me on purpose. A man's financial situation is not what interest me. As I said earlier I am dating a man of 49 who left everything behind in France to start over here in Canada and he has sweet nothing. Right now he's putting himself though school to get his Canadian license. He does that by working 1-2-3 jobs at the same time instead of living at his friends when they offered. Do you not see the difference? Why does he struggle when he could be living at his friends? Because the path of lease resistance is not what will build your character.

[missdixie3333]

Honestly, I'd wait to get yourself up and out again before you worry about dating. It sounds like you have a lot going on and you need to focus on getting your situation straight for yourself before you can have a meaningful relationship.

 

 

A 'middle-aged' man living with his parents no matter what happened is a concern. You sound a bit insecure about everything and that is going against you. So, graduate, get yourself a good job, and move out of your parents' house- with every step forward, you'll find your self-confidence builds up.

 

 

Also, no woman of value is impressed that you mentioned the gym, 'good clothes' or a 'cool' car. It sounds like you're shallow or stooping to some generic level just to prove you're worthy of a woman. Trust me, those women that bite over that stuff aren't going to be meaningful. Just get through this time, get yourself back to a point where you feel good again, taking care of yourself, and you won't have these concerns.

[matt1162]

Do you not at least have a decent 401k account from when you were working? Staying with parent(s) at your age is a deal breaker for many financially independent women. Can you not at least rent a small studio?

 

I went through a job loss and was not able to find another job. I did have a 401K but I spent it all after losing my job. I had my own house and had to use my savings trying to save my house which I was eventually forced to sell.

 

I'm not the healthiest person as I'm suffering from bipolar depression. My doctor wanted my to apply for government disability as he thinks I can't work any longer. I'd rather kill myself than live off of a government check. I'd rather suck it up and stay with my family long enough to finish my degree and then get back to a stable job. And, unfortunately, no I cannot afford even the smallest studio apartment. In the US, health care costs too much. If I went to work full time then I'd have to spend it all on medical costs. Our "Affordable Care Act" didn't make it affordable.

[swenann991]

I wouldn't say that you are looser, I think you should just work on your self-confidence and everything will be ok, you will see.

[matt1162]

Reading through this thread, even though I started it, now has me wondering if men and women ever date and marry purely because they just love each other.

[jjgitties]

OP, a masters degree is 1 to 2 years. You doing it full time or part time? Anyways, 1 to 2 years isn't a very long time to live with parents. If you are that worried about your financial ability to impress a woman, then just suck it up and once you get back into the labor force and start making a bigger pay cheque, you can start dating.

 

What makes you so sure your masters degree is going to get you your big paying job? You will still be a new graduate but you will be in your 40s. Hate to knock you down, but the age thing and ageism in the workplace is going to be a bigger issue for you getting that big paying job than your lack of a masters degree. The real issues you are going to have is the employers are going to look at you as a new graduate with no real world experience in the field who is in his 40s. You want to brush up on your networking skills and conversation skills and start making those contacts ASAP while you are still in graduate school. Forget dating women. You need to build a network of people that will want to hire you when you hit the labor force at 45 or whenever.

[Bastile]

Did I mention that I'm about to inherit $50,000-$60,000 US dollars? I need to save as much of that as possible but it would be money to splurge on an occasional date.

 

Your problem isn't lack of funds. It's lack of self-esteem.