Income disparity in marriage

[JohnAdams]

I go to work, she goes to work. She owns her own business, I work for a large corporation. The money goes in the bank. She manages the bills. I do not pay any attention to what I make or what she makes, it is our money. We are a team, who cares who makes the most.

[Gr8fuln2020]

One reason I will never marry my girlfriend is because she makes more than me.

 

A woman cannot respect a man who makes less than she does. It goes against 10,000 years of social evolution.

 

Men who become SAHDs very often end up getting cheated on by their wives. We've had many betrayed SAHDs pass through this thread.

 

Cynical and belies something you probably are not disclosing about your own insecurities.

 

My ex made 3X more than I did. Finances were not the issue. We put money into a common account for bills and the remainder was our own to spend as we desired. We would pool money together for trips, etc.

 

It comes to this...maturity and confidence and respect. If a man feels emasculated or a woman less of her man (why in the world would she date or marry him if she had known), then these people should be avoided. I would imagine that if such sentiments were genuine and strong, a relationship would not have matured in the first place.

[Mrs. John Adams]

he makes a ton more than i do...and next year he is retiring...and i will continue to work....

 

money has never been an issue in our marriage...we have always looked at it like it is our money...and we have never fought about money. I take care of the household...he takes care of our future.

 

He knows nothing about the day to day expenses...I know nothing about our retirement. We know we are in this together...we trust each other.

[Cephalopod]

But are you talking about a substantial disparity here? In the example given by the OP, the difference is not that big of a deal.

 

It was a big enough deal for her to ask the question. The only reason, I can surmise, is that the situation is causing her concern.

[NTV]

If it's causing that big of an issue she can deposit the difference in my account. I'll even spend it.

[JuneL]

It was a big enough deal for her to ask the question. The only reason, I can surmise, is that the situation is causing her concern.

 

May I ask: Your girlfriend knows you won't be marrying her because she's making more than you and she's okay keeping your relationship?

[GunslingerRoland]

There was a point when my wife made slightly more than me and i didn't think much about it. My wife has been a SAHM for a number of years, but if she was back in the workforce and she made moderately more than me like the couple in the OP again i don't think it would bother me.

 

However if I wasn't able to pull my own weight in the household salary wise, I would find that very hard on my psyche whether my wife made enough to make up for it or not.

[NTV]

To be honest I would wouldn't mind if my wife made way more than me... so long as she didn't lord it over me. I'd actually like to quit working for a while and try to write a book. Or compete in a masturbatory marathon against myself. <sigh> if only there was a way to do both at the same time.

[JuneL]

Then just work hard and save enough to make your dream of writing a book come true ;-)

 

As grown adults, we shouldn't rely on others financially to make our dream come true!

 

To be honest I would wouldn't mind if my wife made way more than me... so long as she didn't lord it over me. I'd actually like to quit working for a while and try to write a book. Or compete in a masturbatory marathon against myself. <sigh> if only there was a way to do both at the same time.

Edited May 3, 2017 by JuneL

[BluEyeL]

Yes my ex husband left me because I made more money than him and because I had his dream job while he couldn't get one . Had a job but not his dream job. He also cheated on me to help with his self esteem.

 

Now he makes the same as I make and he says leaving us (son and I) is the biggest mistake he ever made. Said that when he heard I'm getting remarried.

 

Now I'm marrying a man who makes at least 3x my salary and I do have a bit of an issue with it. I just wish he made more than me but not by that much . But not a big deal. We are now figuring out how we're going to have our finances organized and it's been a bit of a problem here and there but I believe we are getting close to a workable arrangement .

[Cephalopod]

May I ask: Your girlfriend knows you won't be marrying her because she's making more than you and she's okay keeping your relationship?

 

Yes. She knows how I feel and she respects my stance even though, like you. she doesn't agree with it. We never intended to marry anyway. She and I both come from marriages that ended due to adultery on the part of our spouses and neither of us intend to marry again.

 

She is very successful in her career and is basically married to her job. I am the guy she sleeps with and goes on dates and vacations with. I support her and encourage her, but I do not stick my nose in her finances and she does not ask me about mine. We make about the same amount in salary, but my take-home is far less because I have to pay my flunky ex-WW 1/3 of my gross in alimony.

 

I have full custody of my pre-teen daughter, and my life's focus is on her.

[JuneL]

It sounds like you guys have some sort of arrangement (more than FWB, but less than a very serious long-term relationship) that works for both of you.

 

Yes. She knows how I feel and she respects my stance even though, like you. she doesn't agree with it. We never intended to marry anyway. She and I both come from marriages that ended due to adultery on the part of our spouses and neither of us intend to marry again.

 

She is very successful in her career and is basically married to her job. I am the guy she sleeps with and goes on dates and vacations with. I support her and encourage her, but I do not stick my nose in her finances and she does not ask me about mine. We make about the same amount in salary, but my take-home is far less because I have to pay my flunky ex-WW 1/3 of my gross in alimony.

 

I have full custody of my pre-teen daughter, and my life's focus is on her.

[JuneL]

I assume your "issue" is the opposite of a standard one in that you feel bad about not contributing enough financially, right?

 

I also gathered from your previous posts/threads that you are in academia. Was your ex-husband a post-doc or research associate or lecturer in your department by any chance? I understand that, in a more research oriented university, a post-doc or research associate or lecturer is often treated as a second-class citizen compared to the tenure-track faculty. I think your husband's feeling may have more to do with his status at work than his salary per se. It would actually have been better if he took a job in the private sector, as there's no direct comparison in that situation.

 

 

Yes my ex husband left me because I made more money than him and because I had his dream job while he couldn't get one . Had a job but not his dream job. He also cheated on me to help with his self esteem.

 

Now he makes the same as I make and he says leaving us (son and I) is the biggest mistake he ever made. Said that when he heard I'm getting remarried.

 

Now I'm marrying a man who makes at least 3x my salary and I do have a bit of an issue with it. I just wish he made more than me but not by that much . But not a big deal. We are now figuring out how we're going to have our finances organized and it's been a bit of a problem here and there but I believe we are getting close to a workable arrangement .

[Cephalopod]

It sounds like you guys have some sort of arrangement (more than FWB, but less than a very serious long-term relationship) that works for both of you.

 

Yes. Precisely.

 

Ours is definitely not an arrangement that would work for everyone, but she is a highly evolved and enlightened woman...a much better person than me in many ways, and I feel very lucky to have her in my life. I do my best to show her.

[sandylee1]

So I had this discussion with friends and I specifically asked the men what they thought.

 

They all said they would be reluctant to marry a woman who earned more than then, but would pay close attention to her attitude before marriage.

 

They reckon when women earn more they get 'attitude' and look down on the man, making them feel oppressed and small.

 

So I asked, what about all the cases when it's the other way round. They said women are historically used to being oppressed.

 

It's a simple case of fear IMO...because even guys who were not blessed with looks or other physical attributes, will be able to get a very attractive woman by flashing some cash.

 

Having a good looking wife, who earns more than you is a scary prospect for some men, they kind of think they have nothing she can't get herself.

 

Insecurity through and through.

[RecentChange]

They said women are historically used to being oppressed.....

 

Having a good looking wife, who earns more than you is a scary prospect for some men, they kind of think they have nothing she can't get herself.

 

Boy those are some ugly truths huh?

 

Whether we like it or not, relationships have power dynamics. Many men want to be able to use their financial status to flex their power in the relationship.

 

So, if the female earns more, they are afraid that they would lose their upper hand, that they would not have the balance of power in the relationship. That SHE would then either have even footing, or perhaps the upper hand - and well, "women are used to being oppressed" so you can't have that right?!

 

This is where character comes into play. I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who used his financial status as a means of power / control / manipulation.

 

And conversely, as a woman who does earn considerably more than her spouse, I try to not allow my financial status become a means for power and control.

[BettyDraper]

Boy those are some ugly truths huh?

 

Whether we like it or not, relationships have power dynamics. Many men want to be able to use their financial status to flex their power in the relationship.

 

So, if the female earns more, they are afraid that they would lose their upper hand, that they would not have the balance of power in the relationship. That SHE would then either have even footing, or perhaps the upper hand - and well, "women are used to being oppressed" so you can't have that right?!

 

This is where character comes into play. I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who used his financial status as a means of power / control / manipulation.

 

And conversely, as a woman who does earn considerably more than her spouse, I try to not allow my financial status become a means for power and control.

 

Very true. I have been with men who used money and age to control me.

It never worked out because I wasn't about to listen to a manipulative jerk.

I'm glad that my husband doesn't try to control me with money. I wouldn't be comfortable staying at home if that was his style.

[NTV]

Very true. I have been with men who used money and age to control me.

It never worked out because I wasn't about to listen to a manipulative jerk.

I'm glad that my husband doesn't try to control me with money. I wouldn't be comfortable staying at home if that was his style.

 

I'll give you 10 bucks to change your mind....

[somanymistakes]

I think she's worth more than $10 lol

[Southern Sun]

Yes my ex husband left me because I made more money than him and because I had his dream job while he couldn't get one . Had a job but not his dream job. He also cheated on me to help with his self esteem.

 

Now he makes the same as I make and he says leaving us (son and I) is the biggest mistake he ever made. Said that when he heard I'm getting remarried.

 

Now I'm marrying a man who makes at least 3x my salary and I do have a bit of an issue with it. I just wish he made more than me but not by that much . But not a big deal. We are now figuring out how we're going to have our finances organized and it's been a bit of a problem here and there but I believe we are getting close to a workable arrangement .

 

Yes my ex husband left me because I made more money than him and because I had his dream job while he couldn't get one . Had a job but not his dream job. He also cheated on me to help with his self esteem.

 

Now he makes the same as I make and he says leaving us (son and I) is the biggest mistake he ever made. Said that when he heard I'm getting remarried.

 

Now I'm marrying a man who makes at least 3x my salary and I do have a bit of an issue with it. I just wish he made more than me but not by that much . But not a big deal. We are now figuring out how we're going to have our finances organized and it's been a bit of a problem here and there but I believe we are getting close to a workable arrangement .

 

I think "issues with money" are really just a red herring for problems with control and trust. Where you find money problems, you will find others.

 

Not saying that when money isn't an issue everything else is perfect. But if a man really is willing to leave a woman over a salary that is 50% more than his...something else is going on. He doesn't trust her. Whether that is her fault or his, I don't know.

 

As others have said, there have obviously been PAST issues with money combining. In a marriage, what's "mine is yours and what's yours is mine." So two salaries coming in the door simply add to one pot. In that scenario you are HAPPY your spouse got that raise. It all goes in the family account!

 

If instead you are looking sideways at your spouse who earns more than you, it's because there isn't equal sharing. Which means you are withholding from one another and not married in the financial sense.

 

I'm quoting your post, BlueEyeL, because it sounds like your new marriage is getting off on a bad foot. I'd be quite happy my soon-to-be spouse made a good wage...not because I'm a gold-digger, but because it all helps. But it's causing issues for you and I can surmise why. You are working out who is going to pay for what, and who is keeping what money and it's not feeling "fair." Same problem really as what everyone else is talking about. May not feel like the same problem, but I think it all boils down a lack of trust, and ultimately fear.

[BluEyeL]

In response to June, yes my ex was a postdoc while I was tenure track faculty . I offered to go back on the market and we try to both get tenure track positions together elsewhere. He rejected that idea and instead had an affair with a student.

 

But he always had a problem when I made more money even by a very small amount . He always had a problem even if I got a better grade in college in some exam than he did. We came to the US as graduate students but I brought him not the other way around. I came first. I found him a spot too and he came a semester later. His department paid graduate students 200/month less than mine. While back home all of our money went in the same drawer in cash, as soon as he stepped foot on the US soil he wanted separate accounts. We were both graduate students then and he was bothered that I made 200 more than he did. He tried to leave me way before the tenure track job. He tried to leave me when I was pregnant . In fact he left . He went to a different university and left me behind a pregnant international student with no family and making 1300:month in California. He came back after 3 weeks. The new position wasn't satisfactory. He merely postponed dumping me and like an idiot I hung on . Oh well better late than never. Our relationship has ran its course.

 

Regarding the new marriage its a big imbalance of money . He makes way more than me and there were some discussions and decisions about things I couldn't afford and lifestyle differences and whatnot . I just wish it was a bit more equal. I make good money supposedly I'm 17 top percentile in my state. Because we're not married yet we didn't commingle and I felt stressed about paying for certain things or admitting to him I can't pay for others . In second marriages trust is often built slower. He doesn't want to commingle everything which is understandable. But after several discussions we reached a system that works for us and I think more discussions will happen in the future money is not discussed just once. The issue was that he first said he wants to commingle and then he retracted and said I should just tell him when I need money and how much and he'll transfer me. This wasn't workable for me because I don't want to be put in a "asking for money" position all the time. So I requested he commingle his paycheck with mine and keep he rest of his earnings while I keep a few hundreds in an account that also has his name on for stuff that may create disagreement in the future such as money I may want to give my son or my parents or for a ridiculous purse or shoes (I do t buy ridiculously expensive shoes and such but who knows in the future). So he agreed with this system . I don't have access to his account from before and to new earnings that come on top of the paycheck (which amounts to 2/3rds or more of his total income-i mean the other earnings are bigger than the paycheck ). I still feel he has more power though and a bit inferior. But si ce I'm a woman I think it'll not be an issue. No way I could ever be a stay at home wife it would drive me nuts to depend fully on someone else.

Edited May 10, 2017 by BluEyeL

[BluEyeL]

Example we went to the bank to open a joint account. They freaked out. Several people/managers came from the back and started to fret about him while I was clearly no one there and nobody was addressing me. One even made a slightly condescending remark about me/to him about me. Like I was the cute little woman . She said in patronizing tone "see? She already saves you money " .

 

I'm a moderately big shot at work . I was on tv gave media interviews . I'm not too used to be "the little woman" .

 

This is to show that even if the spouse doesn't do anything to make you feel less tha. The reality is that you do make less . It could be harder to take for men. For me isn't that hard. It's a change .

[BluEyeL]

In my first marriage I had the power . I didn't think I ever made my ex feel bad but the truth is that he still felt I had the power . He said so once. He wanted to hit our 4 yo for spilling something and I intervened. I was against hitting kids for stup.id stuff. We fought . He threw things and stormed out not before saying what he really thought: " if I made more money I would be able to put you to your place!". A-ha! Now tell us what you really think.

[JuneL]

Thanks for responding. Why can't you each just contribute a fixed amount of your paycheck to the basic joint expenses, and he pays for both of you whenever he wants to do/get the extra "luxury" stuff? This way, you can have the reminding money from your paycheck for yourself. I saw that you have a son from your previous marriage, but he doesn't have kids, right? Does he happily pay for your son's stuff too? There's a recent thread from a guy who seemed to be resentful about having to pay for the air-tickets for his fiancee's kids.

 

Indeed, I wrote in a couple of posts above that there may be issues if one is making significantly more than the other. The one making way more has to restrict her/his lifestyle if s/he's not willing to or simply can't pay for both. In your case, you feel that your power is taken away when he's paying for your stuff.

 

In response to June, yes my ex was a postdoc while I was tenure track faculty . I offered to go back on the market and we try to both get tenure track positions together elsewhere. He rejected that idea and instead had an affair with a student.

 

But he always had a problem when I made more money even by a very small amount . He always had a problem even if I got a better grade in college in some exam than he did. We came to the US as graduate students but I brought him not the other way around. I came first. I found him a spot too and he came a semester later. His department paid graduate students 200/month less than mine. While back home all of our money went in the same drawer in cash, as soon as he stepped foot on the US soil he wanted separate accounts. We were both graduate students then and he was bothered that I made 200 more than he did. He tried to leave me way before the tenure track job. He tried to leave me when I was pregnant . In fact he left . He went to a different university and left me behind a pregnant international student with no family and making 1300:month in California. He came back after 3 weeks. The new position wasn't satisfactory. He merely postponed dumping me and like an idiot I hung on . Oh well better late than never. Our relationship has ran its course.

 

Regarding the new marriage its a big imbalance of money . He makes way more than me and there were some discussions and decisions about things I couldn't afford and lifestyle differences and whatnot . I just wish it was a bit more equal. I make good money supposedly I'm 17 top percentile in my state. Because we're not married yet we didn't commingle and I felt stressed about paying for certain things or admitting to him I can't pay for others . In second marriages trust is often built slower. He doesn't want to commingle everything which is understandable. But after several discussions we reached a system that works for us and I think more discussions will happen in the future money is not discussed just once. The issue was that he first said he wants to commingle and then he retracted and said I should just tell him when I need money and how much and he'll transfer me. This wasn't workable for me because I don't want to be put in a "asking for money" position all the time. So I requested he commingle his paycheck with mine and keep he rest of his earnings while I keep a few hundreds in an account that also has his name on for stuff that may create disagreement in the future such as money I may want to give my son or my parents or for a ridiculous purse or shoes (I do t buy ridiculously expensive shoes and such but who knows in the future). So he agreed with this system . I don't have access to his account from before and to new earnings that come on top of the paycheck (which amounts to 2/3rds or more of his total income-i mean the other earnings are bigger than the paycheck ). I still feel he has more power though and a bit inferior. But si ce I'm a woman I think it'll not be an issue. No way I could ever be a stay at home wife it would drive me nuts to depend fully on someone else.

[JuneL]

Your ex-husband sounds horrible. It's already bad to have an affair, much worse with a student!

 

Nevertheless, I wanted to point out that it's really much easier for the one without power to feel the dynamics or the power imbalance.

 

In my first marriage I had the power . I didn't think I ever made my ex feel bad but the truth is that he still felt I had the power . He said so once. He wanted to hit our 4 yo for spilling something and I intervened. I was against hitting kids for stup.id stuff. We fought . He threw things and stormed out not before saying what he really thought: " if I made more money I would be able to put you to your place!". A-ha! Now tell us what you really think.