Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Hi everyone, I kind of hesitated to put my thread under this topic since I'm worried it'll color people's perceptions. But the fact of the matter is that the guy I'm about to describe is married. I met him at a concert on Friday. The surrounding crowd and I were making a bit of small talk like what usually happens, and this guy was one of the people. He also intermittently caught my eye and we would smile at each other. Eventually, he took out his phone to show me a picture of his cat and that's when I noticed the ring. So I limited myself to small talk (I had given him my contact info before I'd seen the ring, more on that later.) During the music, he kept rowdy concertgoers away from me and would hold on to one of my arms to steady me when someone jostled me. He also placed his hand near mine a lot and gave a reassuring squeeze now and then and actually held it for a few seconds once. He said he wanted me to be protected and talked to me a lot, which included leaning in close during the music. At the show's end, I said goodbye and thanks for everything. I wondered if he was just being gentlemanly or something else. Since I'd given him my name and number and permission to look me up on FB before I knew he was married, he sent me a friend request. (In the music community we belong to, it's not uncommon for people to connect on FB if they've been talking all night--it's about wanting to be friends with people you enjoyed the show with.) I figured "we have common interest and can be friends". Since then, he's asked me if I want to go to this event or that event, complimented me, offered to send me CDs, asked questions about my work and family, etc. I guess in my being naive, I thought "a married guy wouldn't cross his own boundaries" and just kind of assumed this stuff would be okay by his wife (whom he's never mentioned but he wears the ring and has her on FB). But as I see him wanting to spend time with me and putting winky emoticons in messages, remembering how he touched my hand often, I wonder if he was "interested" vs just being very friendly? And in any case, was I out of line by letting him touch my arms and hold onto my hand briefly? I don't want to say "stop contacting me--you're married" to a potential friend if he didn't actually mean to hit on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 I also wanted to add that he didn't do or say anything overtly sexual towards me. I didn't get the sense that he was a creep or a predator. He was very polite and pleasant to talk to; I didn't feel any kind of nefariousness from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Well, think about it this way. If you were married, would you think that it would be alright if your husband was doing that? I don't think so. Crossing the line and I imagine if you think about it, you know it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Hard to say because I have a lot of friends who are married guys. I grab casual lunch with them, greeting hugs, talking about stuff, etc. Their wives know me and are cool with them being friends with me. So it's hard for me to tell sometimes. None of my friends has ever touched my hands though except for high five or fist bump. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 He sounds like a sleaze. And I'm sure you were perfectly capable of finding a safe space for yourself and not needing his "protection". Just get out of the mosh pit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 I had a really good viewing spot, to be honest--which is hard to come by in that venue. Irrespective of who else was there, I was there to see the music live. I really loved the band and wanted to focus on that. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) He said he wanted me to be protected and talked to me a lot, which included leaning in close during the music. At the show's end, I said goodbye and thanks for everything. I wondered if he was just being gentlemanly or something else. Yeah right. He wanted to be a knight in shining armour so he could get laid. That's all it was. Now he knows you know he's married and you let him hold your hand and you're willing to accept him on FB and you haven't told him to go away. Not all sleaze balls act overtly sleazy. Now he sees you as a woman who is okay with him being married and pursing you. He sees you as someone willing to look the other way. So of course he's going to pursue that. Self respecting woman say FU to married me who try to turn on the charm. But you didn't . He sees you as easy bait Are you? Edited April 25, 2017 by aileD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Wow, some hostility here. I'm very inexperienced, which is why I asked in the first place. If he'd tried to kiss me or something, I would've walked away. But in that context I was mostly focused on the music and only thought about it after but couldn't figure out if it was chivalry or something else. If I was dumb, cheap, and immoral, would I be here asking these questions? I have literally no experience with this kind of thing and the fact that I asked should've been a signal of wanting to learn and do the right thing. I should've known this was the wrong forum to ask this question. If you're projecting, I am NOT whoever it was that wronged you. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 The people here are good people. They've been through the fire and when they see someone walking towards it they do what they have to do get them to change direction. It's not hostility. More like tough love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Wow, some hostility here. I'm very inexperienced, which is why I asked in the first place. If he'd tried to kiss me or something, I would've walked away. But in that context I was mostly focused on the music and only thought about it after but couldn't figure out if it was chivalry or something else. If I was dumb, cheap, and immoral, would I be here asking these questions? I have literally no experience with this kind of thing and the fact that I asked should've been a signal of wanting to learn and do the right thing. I should've known this was the wrong forum to ask this question. If you're projecting, I am NOT whoever it was that wronged you. Woah I'm sorry, I really wasn't being hostile. I'm honestly telling you that this is what is going thru his mind. I didn't say you ARE that person but that's how he sees you. He sees you as an easy target because you didn't put up a boundary with him. It's fair that you didn't realize til later, but he doesn't know that I wasn't trying to offend you Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I can't see that anyone has suggested that you're dumb, cheap or immoral. I certainly didn't thInk it. Naive is the word I would use. Chivalry would be him offering his seat to an old or pregnant woman - or a person who needs a seat for any other reason. Or telling the bar staff that you're next if you're having trouble getting served. Protecting you (while getting you to safety) at a concert would be appropriate if you had been struggling with the crowd and you were overwhelmed. It's he kind of thing that you yourself would do for any stranger in need of help. But by the sound of things, you had a good spot and were perfectly safe. This made his overtures push the line from chivalry to having an agenda. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Fair enough, then. Thanks to everyone for the input. I'm going to keep my distance--which shouldn't be all that hard since he actually lives two states away. I suppose it doesn't matter what was running through his mind if my aim is to steer clear of mishaps anyway. I was operating under the assumption we could be friends afterward and he was being nice before, so "naive" is about right. Woah I'm sorry, I really wasn't being hostile. I'm honestly telling you that this is what is going thru his mind. I didn't say you ARE that person but that's how he sees you. He sees you as an easy target because you didn't put up a boundary with him. It's fair that you didn't realize til later, but he doesn't know that I wasn't trying to offend you Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Hard to say because I have a lot of friends who are married guys. I grab casual lunch with them, greeting hugs, talking about stuff, etc. Their wives know me and are cool with them being friends with me. So it's hard for me to tell sometimes. None of my friends has ever touched my hands though except for high five or fist bump. Yeah, I didn't mean your married friends whose wives know you. I meant if you were married and your husband met a girl at a venue and he decided to "protect" her, holding her hand and then wanting to be her facebook friend - would that be OK with you? I don't think it would. It wouldn't for me. Just delete him as a friend. There is no point going down this road. The fact that you are asking this question means that your radar has been alerted, the red flags are flying, etc. And....your instincts are right. This is not what you would want your husband to be doing and in fact, even if he is not on the prowl, it is inappropriate. You don't need this mess. Delete, delete, delete.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Unless you plan on meeting his wife and befriending her, be wary and don't invest in this new friendship with him. You seem to be 'fond' of him and you need to ask yourself why you are pursing a friendship with him. Deep down are you hoping for something to happen? It's just wrong for him to be 'getting to know' another woman without his wife knowing. That could be trouble in the future, you may become attached to him and even though you're not looking for an affair, it could happen once feelings are felt on both sides. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Does he like you? I'm sure he found you attractive and well, present. Does he know enough about you to even like you over all the other single ladies there? Nope!! He's a married guy, a few states away, looking for some fun! Someone who's just being a nice guy doesn't need your contact info. If you stay in contact he'll treat you sweeter'n honey. He'll groom you to be his side chick in that particular state. You know all you need to know about him. This is a sport to some married men. I'd bet you a dime to a dollar, he's got an OW in his home town. Stay far away. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Hi everyone, I kind of hesitated to put my thread under this topic since I'm worried it'll color people's perceptions. But the fact of the matter is that the guy I'm about to describe is married. I met him at a concert on Friday. The surrounding crowd and I were making a bit of small talk like what usually happens, and this guy was one of the people. He also intermittently caught my eye and we would smile at each other. Eventually, he took out his phone to show me a picture of his cat and that's when I noticed the ring. So I limited myself to small talk (I had given him my contact info before I'd seen the ring, more on that later.) During the music, he kept rowdy concertgoers away from me and would hold on to one of my arms to steady me when someone jostled me. He also placed his hand near mine a lot and gave a reassuring squeeze now and then and actually held it for a few seconds once. He said he wanted me to be protected and talked to me a lot, which included leaning in close during the music. At the show's end, I said goodbye and thanks for everything. I wondered if he was just being gentlemanly or something else. Since I'd given him my name and number and permission to look me up on FB before I knew he was married, he sent me a friend request. (In the music community we belong to, it's not uncommon for people to connect on FB if they've been talking all night--it's about wanting to be friends with people you enjoyed the show with.) I figured "we have common interest and can be friends". Since then, he's asked me if I want to go to this event or that event, complimented me, offered to send me CDs, asked questions about my work and family, etc. I guess in my being naive, I thought "a married guy wouldn't cross his own boundaries" and just kind of assumed this stuff would be okay by his wife (whom he's never mentioned but he wears the ring and has her on FB). But as I see him wanting to spend time with me and putting winky emoticons in messages, remembering how he touched my hand often, I wonder if he was "interested" vs just being very friendly? And in any case, was I out of line by letting him touch my arms and hold onto my hand briefly? I don't want to say "stop contacting me--you're married" to a potential friend if he didn't actually mean to hit on me. He's looking for sex on the side. Full stop. Men do not build friendships with women this way, EVER, under any circumstances. He wants to sleep with you, and probably wants to do so while staying married. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted April 25, 2017 Author Share Posted April 25, 2017 Wow, the reality is a pretty pitiful situation then. Yeah, it's pretty different from making friends at work or with the single guys at shows. I'll keep in mind going forward in case it happens again. Link to post Share on other sites
freengreen Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 (edited) Be cautoius and give it time... be aware ( this is important) that things are progressing in the wrong direction ( if they are). First clue ( well most have already spotted red flags here)... get away never to return. It seems like he is trying his luck with you to me. Bring up his wife in conversations and see how he reacts. You could get some clues from those reactions. Just dont get too far with a married guy even thou it seems 'usual'.. Takecare Edited April 25, 2017 by freengreen Link to post Share on other sites
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