Mandy712 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 My husband and I got married 2 years ago. Been together for 3. At first he was super sweet and loving and open. It was mostly good all the time. We were in love. We did everything together and we had fun and loved each other. He made me feel like I could be myself with him. Then all of a sudden he started using the intimate things that I've told him against me and has called me names and verbally and emotionally abusing me. He's also an alcoholic and has been using cocaine for quite some time without me realizing it. He has had numerous encounters with other women. One being his ex girlfriend that he claimed to not care about anymore (but had stayed in contact with her for the past 2 + years) and when I tell him you don't stay in contact with some one you don't care about, he says it was because he wanted to hurt her for going back to her ex when they broke up so he'd act like he wanted to be with her. Which is total bs, obviously. Other women, like girls on Facebook, I've caught him on dating sites, a girl texting him when he was in the hospital saying that she wanted to see him. I got the girls number and texted her and she told me she'd had sex with him twice. Which he totally denied. So I haven't trusted him since. It's always on my mind and when I bring it up he would call me names and say I was uncomfortable and I needed to take my mess for anxiety, (I take a low dose of alprazolam, or xanax) and call me names and mock me. Tell me how stupid I am and always telling me how I felt was some p***y a** s***, and to shut the f up , just plain mean and hateful. So after the hospitalization (flipped his car-drinking and driving and broke his neck) and about a month of recovery he proceeds to go meet some girl he'd been talking to on Facebook, at Applebee's. I kept dealing with his crap, my insecurities and him taking down on me, for another 3 months. He'd apologize and try to be loving but I wasn't having it. After him leaving one night and not returning til the next day (because I spoke to my daughters dad at a soccer game about her goal and he got pissed for talking to him) I filed for a divorce. He kept pushing me to and telling me to so I finally was strong enough and brace enlightened to do it. I had to give him money to leave just so we didn't have to live in hell with him for 2 months for the waiting period. He was so mad the he sent me a video of him having sex with someone. He had some serious anger issues. He did this just to get a reaction from me and hurt me. As if he hadn't done enough! Hes since been extremely repentant and cries to me and begs to come home and not leave him. He burns every bridge. He's been up and down the whole 2 months we've been apart. Lost his job. Doesn't have anywhere to go. Sleeps in his car and in front of my house most of the time. And borrows money from me all the time for gas and food. I don't even know why I love him anymore after writing al this but I do. I love the man I know he wants to be and tries to be but he can't seem to get a grip on his emotions and not act out. When he's sober he's fine. He's actually great. He's sweet and considerate and loving. It's all the times that he's not when he acts like a demon! He's been sober, as far as I can tell, for maybe 2 weeks. I don't m ow if he's using coke anymore but it doesn't seem like it. He had been going to counseling on his own for about 3 weeks and started anger management classes last week. He's been asking me to go to church with him and that he wants his wife and his life back. Tells me how sorry he is and how stupid he's acted. The waiting period is over and my lawyer even called today to tell me the heating date. I don't know if I'm Strong enough to go through with it now. I love him and want to believe him but I can't trust him and I can't subject myself or my daughter to his explosive rages anymore. She's about to graduate high schoo and go to college but I still have to think of her. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry this post is so long. I hope someone reads it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Paragraphs will help you get responses. This is hard to read Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I love him and want to believe him Mandy, you might be a candidate for the codependent Hall of Fame. An abuser needs an audience to play too, a role you've willingly embraced. How many times does this self-absorbed POS have to cheat on you, steal from you and lie to you before you wake up? Think of the relationship model you're presenting your daughter - is this what you'd want for her? Can't imagine why you'd accept so little love and so much abuse from a partner. Some broken pieces here best addressed in IC but first protect yourself and your child and complete your divorce. He can run his con game on someone else... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 He is an addict and you'll never have a healthy loving marriage with him. Divorcing is the only option. He will always choose booze and drugs as his number one and as time goes on it'll only get worse. You did the right thing by filing. I get that you love him and want him but he can't be the husband you need and want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LostHubby2015 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 "Follow your heart, but take your brain with you." To be blunt, from what you described I can't believe you even still feel for him at all. He sounds like a total loser who has major issues. And if you were to stay with him all that's going to do is reaffirm that if he "gets help" at least from the way you see it you'll stay. It'll only be a matter of time before he falls back into those ways all over again. Save yourself and your daughter. Don't run away, get into a car and floor that dang thing and don't even look in the rear view mirror. Save yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
OptimismHopeTrust Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Hi Mandy, I hear so much pain and sadness. I am so sorry. You have been through a lot. You love this man and wish it could be different, I get it. There was a time it was really good and you want to believe it can be that way again. None of us really know if that is possible, perhaps it is. But you have to consider what you have sitting between you now....drinking and drug addiction, other women, abusive behavior where you are belittled, profanity, deep wounds such as the video and texts you reference....these are super serious and these things make it impossible for him to have a CONSISTENT loving relationship with anyone. Sounds like he would need to commit for a long time to therapy, rehab, lifestyle changes, etc. before he is really capable of being in a loving relationship. Sadly, you would still be living on the edge of your seat, not sure what the next day will bring. You are on an emotional roller coaster now, you would be on a ride you could not get off if you allowed this to continue. You cannot control how he behaves. He may speak the words he knows you want to hear, but actions do speak louder than words. You can only control how you respond to it. You have a lot of information and you might want to consider running for cover right now. You have a daughter who is going through major life changes. College is a big adjustment the first year and she needs her Mom to be supportive and be a presence. Your daughter loves you deeply and it must pain her to see her Mom in so much pain. You are valued far more than that. There is a plan for your life and it is not to be abused or broken. Give yourself a chance to heal. Spend some time with yourself and become whole again. Consider joining a support group. If you belong to a church, ask for emotional support and explore some resources. We are not here to be a door mat. We are here to love and be loved. You cannot love someone who cannot receive it and you cannot be loved by someone who is abusive to himself and then turns that abuse outward. Step back and allow yourself to dig deep into your heart. You know what the right choice is. Yes, the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do but it is the one that puts you on the right path. You have a lot of history here, you know what the right choice is. Dreams are things we create that are not based in reality. Hope is built on seeing things for what they are and knowing that there is something better ahead. I wish you and your daughter the best. You will be in my heart. May God bless you and strengthen you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIvy Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Stay strong, you did the right thing! He is abusive, has anger problems, has drug problems, is a cheater and a liar. Oh, and sent you a video of him having sex with someone else? Again, re-read that line I just typed. What about that can be redeemed? He showed you his true colors. Who he "use to be" is not who he is now. And this is after only a few years of marriage? Why put yourself through the stress and pain? 2 weeks doesn't get rid of the ****ed up character that he has. If you stay, he will likely go back to his old habits and it will be a revolving cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 put the hearing date off but don't let him come back If he's serious about getting sober, he'll understand Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 29, 2017 Share Posted April 29, 2017 You can't help him but you'd better help yourself before he drags you down with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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