Lessons Learned - Don't Fall In Love

[TotallyHonest]

I'm going to keep this as short as I can but offer it up in the hope that some of you older folks can be forewarned, if not forearmed. I say older because I'm 50.

 

Almost immediately after my marriage breakup 2 years ago, I started a FWB situation with someone at work. I naively thought that if she wanted to have sex with me, she was going to leave her partner too. I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me.

 

Anyway, after two years of seeing each other constantly, us having sex (well for me making love) whenever her partner was away, dinners, taking her out on weekends, me asking her what she was going to do, etc etc, I told her to make the choice. She told me she hadn't decided anything, but then came in last Monday and said she was leaving me because she was scared of hurting me. The Friday and Saturday before we of course had been together.

 

Long story short, I found out (don't ask how) that she had already planned an extensive overseas holiday with a wedding, and had made those plans months ago.

 

Every bit of advice you read on these forums is true folks. Don't get involved like this; it will just hurt you so much. Yes I knew what I was doing, yes I thought I could steal her. I would have given her everything. But a FWB situation where you fall in love is just going to tear you to pieces.

 

I wish every one of you out there joy, love and happiness in what you do. Me - I'm starting that long road to healing, admitting my mistakes and knowing that she didn't deserve me and that I will find someone who does. One day

[bluefeather]

"Don't fall in love" is not a very good lesson. Maybe "don't fall in love with someone who is cheating to be with you."

[sandylee1]

Her poor fiancé.... And people think it's only men who are untrustworthy.

[sandylee1]

And if you didn't ask her to choose, she'd have entered the marriage cheating.

 

FWB are for two single people, otherwise let's call it what it is an affair. No more and no less.

[Vivir]

TotallyHonest, bluefeather says your lesson isn't very good, but it is a lesson nonetheless. I agree that if one finds him or herself involved with someone who is already in a relationship with someone else, the person should absolutely not, under any circumstances, fall in love. If the person has already fallen in love, he or she should do everything in their power to fall OUT of love ASAP. It helps to realize the person you think you love is simply a figment of your imagination. He or she is almost certainly lying to be with you. It is doubtful that any of us would choose the truth of this person if we were to find it out before... oh, never mind. I don't have anything to add.

 

It is most advisable, of course, NEVER to become involved with such a person.

 

I was involved and extremely naive. Just like you. Another member wrote that single people are operating under single people dating rules, while married people are operating under married people dating rules (these are not at all compatible).

 

Day 1 is the hardest. But at day 100, you will be glad you are out of it. If for no other reason than having your peace of mind.

 

Charge all typos to Samsung. Thanks.

[SevenCity]

Had she chosen you, she would have cheated on you as well.

 

The lesson is "once a cheater, always a cheater"

 

As much as this may hurt you now, it would have hurt much more if she stayed.

 

Consider yourself lucky.

[Chica80]

Be careful.....because after the overseas holiday, wedding and honeymoon. When life settles back to normal.....she will be back.....

Ask me how I know.

[TotallyHonest]

I think:

1. I made a mistake thinking that if she was with me and supposedly in love with me, she was going to leave him for me. I do believe love can conquer all, not everyone else does.
   
2. I should have been strong enough to ask for a commitment after 6 months, not 2 years. The upstairs head didn't do as much thinking as it should have been.
   
3. After all this, she asked me over *tonight* because her partner was going to be out. FFS - that could be have been me and someone else; how could I be so blind!
   
4. Ups and downs are part of the process.
   
5. Everything that she's emailed me today is about her absolving herself of the guilt and making sure she's feeling OK about things.
   
6. I deserve to be criticised for allowing myself to get involved with a committed woman in the first place. I compromised my own sense of worth and ethics and never again.
   

 

Thank you all for your support; I appreciate it.

[elaine567]

1. I made a mistake thinking that if she was with me and supposedly in love with me, she was going to leave him for me. I do believe love can conquer all, not everyone else does.

 

It is the mistake that so many single people make when they get involved with married/seriously attached people.

 

Ego gets involved.

"She WILL leave him for me, I am the better man, of course she will choose me, she obviously doesn't love him, I am perfect for her..."

[freengreen]

You seem to value the lesson you have learnt. You are now wiser than before . You are not alone in this, most of us have been there and are still in it.

 

I think there are two kinds of people in affairs,the ones who vow not to get into it ever again and the ones who move on from one affair to another seamlessly. Most of us here are from the first club... we were never mentally that 'fit' for an affair anyway.

 

Takecare

[jenkins95]

 

FROM OP: "1. I made a mistake thinking that if she was with me and supposedly in love with me, she was going to leave him for me. I do believe love can conquer all, not everyone else does."

 

It is the mistake that so many single people make when they get involved with married/seriously attached people.

 

Ego gets involved.

"She WILL leave him for me, I am the better man, of course she will choose me, she obviously doesn't love him, I am perfect for her..."

 

Absolutely Elaine. I usually find myself agreeing with you!

 

"The love conquers all" mentality is idealistic and over-romaticised - especially in the context of an affair and the whole "star-crossed lovers" thing. I believed it all when I was a young, single guy. Throw in a marriage, kids and lots of responsibilities and commitments and this usually changes. The practicalities of real, grown-up life take over.

 

My xOW was certain I would leave. But I didn't - even though I had feelings for her. I had to grow a pair for once, be a man and use my head - not rely on those tingly feelings in my heart, however intoxicating they were. I'm now so glad I did.

 

Good look OP. Learn from this experience and have the greatest of lives! We are here for you. I wish you nothing but the best.

Edited April 28, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

I think the mistake and lesson to be learned centers around assuming that because you love someone above it all that they return the favor.

 

This things are never really as complicated as they are made out to be and your simplistic view of I love her she loves me so she will let him go and be with me, should be the way these things go. The problem is she chose him. Who knows for what reason, and honestly it shouldn't matter. It just shows an imbalance in the relationship with her, your focus is her, her focus is split. Maybe, at best it's split, more likely she never envisioned​ what you did, and her lure was excitement not love, which is very common if not almost always the cases.

[BTDT2012]

Love doesn't conquer all. The lesson should be that getting involved with a person who is sneaking or cheating to be with you is never a good idea.

[jenkins95]

You seem to value the lesson you have learnt. You are now wiser than before . You are not alone in this, most of us have been there and are still in it.

 

I think there are two kinds of people in affairs,the ones who vow not to get into it ever again and the ones who move on from one affair to another seamlessly. Most of us here are from the first club... we were never mentally that 'fit' for an affair anyway.

 

Takecare

 

Spot on freen. Most of us only realise when it's too late what a devastating effect our infidelity is going to have on us as the wayward (let alone everyone else). I mean, when we start that initial flirting, we convince ourselves that it's just a bit of fun and that no-one need find out or get hurt, right? How naïve we can be folks.

 

I know there is a guy in a bar right now making "those eyes" and making the first baby steps to the awful situation that i allowed to happen. Let's face it, there's 1000 guys and girls starting out down that path right now. I just want to get in that bar and shake them to their senses, but alas, they would probably ignore me. Often it's only through dreadful experience that we learn. It's a sad fact that affairs, each so different and each so similar, will be playing out until the end of time.

 

Nearly two years out of the A and I've accepted that I'll never fully get over it or be the same man again as i was pre-A. Me and my wife are doing so well and I'm so lucky​, but boy, I live with the demons in my head every day. Never ever again for me. I couldn't go through this again and neither could my wife.

 

Good luck to everybody.

Edited April 28, 2017 by jenkins95

[Overtaxed]

Love doesn't conquer all. The lesson should be that getting involved with a person who is sneaking or cheating to be with you is never a good idea.

 

^^This.

 

A married AP, by engaging in an affair with you is showing you, as clear as can be, his/her character. This is who they are, sleeping with you while their wife's home with the children. Who they are, sleeping with you while their husband is away on business. Who they are, kissing you goodbye then kissing their children 30 minutes later when they walk in the door. How much clearer a sign can you possibly get that this person is toxic than what they are actually SHOWING YOU by engaging in an A. If it's 2 married people, you're both showing your poor character. A married person with a single person, the situation is more one sided. But, no matter what, the married person/people in a relationship are showing you through their actions that they don't respect the institution of marriage, pledge to another person, or even basic respect for another person EVERY TIME they are with you.

 

I read something like 3% of A's go on to be happy marriages, this is a huge reason why, especially if you're both already married, you're both showing huge character flaws to the other person. Can you really love/cherish/respect a woman who stepped out on her loving husband to be with you? Can you really love/cherish/respect a man who's sneaking away from his children to spend time with you? I know I couldn't, and I suspect a whole lot of other people feel the same way.

[NTV]

"Love can conquer all?"

 

Man, I couldn't even buy something at Walmart with it. I went there and tried.

 

They thought I was trying to pawn myself off as a gigolo and called the cops.

 

Police didn't care too much for the love conquering all thing and hauled my butt to jail.

 

The folks in my jail cell didn't buy it either. Said 'I ain't no punk!!' and beat my ass.

 

The emt that came to take me away in the ambulance didn't care for it either. Told me it was the morphine.

 

After the surgery, the nurses at the hospital didn't like it none and filed for sexual harassment.

 

Now I'm a broke, crippled excon with an addiction. And love didn't conquer none of it.

[Vivir]

So... I used to be one of the "Love conquers all" people, too. And although I hardly spent any time around married couples - or hardly any couples - at all, it is because of my affair that I have learned something about such relationships on a deeper level. One day, I asked myself, "Self, why is it wrong to have an affair anyway... I mean, these sorts of things have been going on forever... and are likely to continue too..." This line of thinking was me in the justifying zone; giving myself a free pass to do as I wish. I have also said to myself, "Hey, Self, I am not the one who is married! I can do what ever in the h e l l I'd like to do!"

 

I think the most important thing to note here is that I immediately felt uncomfortable with these lines of thinking and justifying.

 

I answered myself in a way that made me feel most comfortable and, in turn, authentic - with no cognitive dissonance - and I shared it with xMM, who behaved and spoke like he was actually single!

 

He made a promise to her of fidelity, honor, love, etc. for better, for worse...

As a military man, he spoke to me of integrity. He is not out of his contract with her. Until he is - and he may never be, he promised these things to her. Having me around breaks that promise.

Treating him as a true friend would mean that I would advise him to do what is in his best interests - the thing that allows him to uphold his promises and keep his word. That means, no affair. Having crossed that line, means no contact. Putting everything into his wife and their child means no contact with me at all; I am not just one of the guys.. if I ever was. If he does "love" me, our "love" would not repeal this contract or render it null and void... thus, conquering it LOL. As a MM, his responsibility is at his home with her, his family - that he helped create. Those were his choices, and even if he breaks the marriage contract with her, she will continue to be a part of his life because of their very young child...

Although I am not married and not in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone... I am uncomfortable having been so blase about respecting boundaries; crossing their boundaries means I have crossed my own.

 

These are points I never really thought about until I was coming out of the affair and trying to convince him it was the right thing to do even though it would hurt. Just thought I'd share. Thanks.

[deadsoul]

The bigger lesson might be to fall in love with someone available who loves you back. Love does not conquer all.

 

You've reflected on your choices, learned from them and you are working on being a better person every day.

 

That might be the best lesson of all.

[deadsoul]

"Love can conquer all?"

 

Man, I couldn't even buy something at Walmart with it. I went there and tried.

 

They thought I was trying to pawn myself off as a gigolo and called the cops.

 

Police didn't care too much for the love conquering all thing and hauled my butt to jail.

 

The folks in my jail cell didn't buy it either. Said 'I ain't no punk!!' and beat my ass.

 

The emt that came to take me away in the ambulance didn't care for it either. Told me it was the morphine.

 

 

 

After the surgery, the nurses at the hospital didn't like it none and filed for sexual harassment.

 

Now I'm a broke, crippled excon with an addiction. And love didn't conquer none of it.

 

 

OMG. LMAO. And what's even funnier is I read this in "Cheech's" voice (guess what movie was on TV the other night?)

[Lovetoo]

Jenkins,, you say you love with the demons everyday. I'm curious, what exactly do you think everyday??

 

I think of him and her everyday. I hate that. Some days less than others. I go to both their Facebook pages knowing I'll see nothing on his, it's private. And she post random

Things here and there. I'm

Not friends with either. I unfriended him. I still

Think of him

And when I see he's online I get sorta excited. I sometimes let my mind go to places it shouldn't, like wishing he'd say hey.

I haven't talk to him since February 24. Dang. Can't I just stop

Thinking of him. Maybe when I get a new man.

[TotallyHonest]

It's been a couple of weeks. I'm staying strong and have firmly committed to myself not to go back to her. She is currently throwing everything at me to get me back, including moving out from her partner's place, telling me how scared she is of being out on her own, excessive drinking (the biggest problem; she is a confirmed alcoholic with an enabling partner), telling me she realises she's lost me, massive amounts of crying at work etc.

 

You all get it; the list goes on.

 

Once again thank you for your comments and perspective. Some I agree with, others I feel chastised by (and rightly so) and all of them help me to keep moving on.

[jjgitties]

I read your post(s). You entered into a relationship with a woman that was committed to someone else. it lasted for 2+ years, and she ultimately ended up marrying that someone else.

 

I fail to understand how you thought the situation you were in with this woman was going to turn into a healthy relationship. Generally when you start a relationship which involves cheating, lies, deceit .. it doesn't magically change into something else. You don't go after 2+ years of it reach sort sort of conclusion that its "true love" and everything will be different.

[TotallyHonest]

Oh god yes I get that now. What you fail to understand is that there are people who (rightly or wrongly) think differently to you. I *did* think I could change her. I *did* think I could help her alcohol problem. I *did* think I could succeed when everyone else had failed.

 

I was wrong. I was naive. But I've learned my lesson and if it helps other people reading on these forums, then at least some good has come of it.

 

Have a great weekend