Is distance a valid excuse to not date someone you truly love?

[swim808]

Genuinely curious what y’all think, just because I can see it from both sides. I’ve never been in a LDR so I don’t know from personal experience, but have heard time and time again that it’s extremely difficult and it sucks. In my experience, I know few people who have actually been able to make it work, and I’ve often seen it end messily.

 

So say there’s someone who claims to truly care about you, but because of distance, they say they can’t date you right now. On the one hand it makes sense, because of the reasons stated above and the difficulty of LDR’s. From an individual standpoint, it’s a perfectly valid reason. However, would it also be fair to conclude the person must not truly love you? After all, if they were in love with you, wouldn’t they do anything to ensure that they wouldn’t lose you? This is the popular viewpoint I feel that I hear.

 

However, I could see it both ways. On the one hand, it’s somewhat of a romantic thought to believe someone would choose to be with you in spite of the difficulties and challenges that come with a LDR. But is that just fairytale romance? Couldn’t it still be love if someone decides not to do that? Theoretically, they are just trying to spare you pain, and avoid resentment that could cause a breakdown in your relationship preventing it from ever working in the future should the distance close. Even if they risk losing you, at least it’s for the benefit of your long term happiness and in the interests that maybe your relationship has a stronger chance of working out in the future. Or is that just a BS narrative emotionally unavailable people say to avoid the commitment and work of a LDR without hurting your feelings? Of course you can never guarantee what a given person’s true motivations would be in saying no to long distance, but if all the above were true, I would almost lean towards them choosing NOT to date you still being an act of love.

 

I’m not saying that choosing to work through the challenges of LDR can’t also be a very selfless and true kind of love. Some people do make it work and it makes their relationship stronger. But I am just wondering if y’all agree with that general view that someone refusing to do distance means they’re not worth your time?

[blockrockinbeat74]

I have some personal experience with an LDR with exH but we'd been together 1 year before we started the LDR, which was manageable both in time and finances and there was a clear end date.

 

Under similar circumstances, I would do it again for the right guy if there was no alternative. It was not easy and very frustrating but doable.

 

I wouldn't deliberately choose to start dating someone who lives too far (ie from a dating site) because I think it a bit one-sided to expect someone to move for you if you have no intention of moving away yourself.

 

So I guess it depends on how you met, the strength of the personal connection and whether your personal circumstances allow a move in a practical sense (no kids, job prospects, financial situation, family or other ties, etc.).

[basil67]

First of all, one doesn't need a valid excuse to not date another person. If a person doesn't want to continue dating another because of whatever reason, they don't have to.

 

That said, deciding whether or not to have a LDR would depend on a number of factors including how long the couple has been together, how long they will be apart, the reason for one person moving away and the personal attributes of both parties involved.

 

For example, if my husband's job ended and the only option he could find was in another city for say, three months, we'd make it work. If it was longer than that, I'd move with him.

 

If I was single and met a nice new guy but found he lived in another city, I would not consider dating him. Not even for a nano second.

[Els]

I think it's a valid reason - some people are just not willing to do LDRs, and that's their prerogative. It's as valid a dealbreaker as any other.

 

That being said, I'm very, very glad I have never allowed it to limit me. Otherwise I really doubt I would've had such an amazing 6+ years IRL and counting, with a person who still puts in the effort to do so many things to make me happy, and who still makes my heart skip a beat, after all this time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Valid for whom?

 

It's a bit of an odd word to use, as we don't need approval from anyone not to enter or continue a relationship.

 

However, I get what you're asking and in my opinion - yes, distance is a good reason not to get involved with someone even if you really love that person. It's just not feasible for many, and if they know they can't invest under those circumstances, the wise choice is not to stay and string someone along.

[hippychick3]

It depends on so many factors. How long distance it is, how often you can reasonably see each other, when the distance will end, how long you've been dating before the long distance started, and how invested each person is.

 

My bf moved almost 3 hours away for work after dating me for 3 months. I didn't think we would stay together after he moved. But we were already attached to each other so we continued to travel back and forth every other weekend. It is 3 1/2 years later, we see each other sometimes every weekend, and are very committed and invested in each other and our future. We will close the distance when my youngest graduates from high school.

 

The bottom line is...the distance is not a deterrent because we love each other, make each other a priority, and know there's an end in sight.

[Chilli]

l don't get how you date someone you truly love, your just together, full stop.

 

LD , of course , if you truly love each other then that's only gonna happen once for most, twice in a lifetime if your very lucky and never for many.

So what you throw that away and settle for so so or spend the next 5yrs looking for new love when you could both been together with the real deal by then and have had each other right through that 5 yrs instead.

Chasing your tail and hanging out in loveshack and online date sites, doesn't even compare to the real thing.

So yeah , if there's away in the end, l'd take the real love part time any day while we're waiting.

[RecentChange]

For me, I would need a short end date in sight.

 

Being in a relationship, yet spending the vast majority of my time and experiences alone, infrequent sex, lonely nights - those are all deal breakers for me and part of LDR's.

 

Very shortly after we started dating (6-8 weeks after we met) my now husband accepted a job offer 450 miles away.

 

I was due to graduate college in six months, so we decided to start an LDR. I spent long weekends with him 2-3 times a month, and moved in graduation weekend.

 

He used to travel for work, sometimes staying away for six weeks at a time, and honestly it strained our relationship. The "us" weakened, and we started to live separate lives on a greater scale.

[justwhoiam]

I only read your question.

 

Is distance a valid excuse to not date someone you truly love?

My answer: no.

[bt_way]

Is it worth it? Weigh the pros and cons. This sounds really simple but then I think you'll start to see which list is longer.

 

Your post makes me heart wrench because I a currently in a long distance relationship and we are in different countries. I am in London doing gradschool studied and my other half is in California working hard. The mornings are the hardest for me. Surprisingly the 8-hour time difference is not as difficult as I thought it would be because we have had a serious talk about understanding this time difference. We used to see eachother 4x times a week at least and now we see eachother once for 1 week every 3-4 months. We are going 2 years strong.

 

The best advice I can give you is to work on communication. Every relationship is worth trying. If you feel like you will give 99% of effort into communication and into the relationship in general. I do not recommend it. Sometimes I have so many feelings and all I can make out to say is "I miss you" or "I love you". It is definately not easy- but the times we do see eachother is worth it. I have also got a side project that helps me feel more connected:

 

https://www.instagram.com/bt_way/.

 

If you had asked me 2 years ago if i would ever do long distance, I would tell you no. But because I am in such an emotionally supportive relationship.. I dont regret a single day. Give it your best shot before giving up and COMMUNICATE.

[d0nnivain]

Love doesn't conquer all. It certainly can't overcome immigration issues.

 

 

If there is no meaningful end to the distance possible, what's the point of pursuing the relationship? Sometimes saying no is the only option. Nobody needs the exercise in futility.

 

 

If the distance is temporary, an LDR is fine & the reason to not try becomes less valid. For example, I was dating a guy when I was in grad school. When he moved to the other side of the country we did an LDR. We expected I'd move to him when I graduated. Well, I couldn't get a job there & in the meantime I met & started becoming attracted to a local guy so I ended the LDR.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Didn't read your post, but if this is an empirical question, for me, the answer is YES. Yes, if there is no short-term, defined plan to move closer/together.