Pregnancy and Marriage...

[WCSU1987]

Morning. Think I learn by now not brining up pregnancy around my wife. Having a talk in the morning while sharing coffee about events at work. Mentioned pregnancy and wife is now tearing/crying. Yelling about how I don't want children, it's my body, your a control freak, and so forth.

 

I think and won't change on this. I told the wife by the Fall of 2019 we work towards having children. We would only have 5 more months of class left. So if the wife becomes pregnant in November. We finish school and have time to work towards finding jobs, mostly me. Wife is already a nurse but going from LPN to RN. I am hoping yo be in a program by 2018.

 

Wife and I discussed this as the plan. When I brought up the topic of pregnancy. Now going on this rant of its her body, you want control, and I am not going to have kids now.

 

What should I do?

[Whoknew30]

This is a deal breaker in a marriage...if you two discussed this pre marriage & now she seems to be reneging, she's the one breaking her word. You should have a conversation about that bc that's a HUGE issue! & how are you supposed to trust her with anything if she lied to you about such a important subject?

 

Maybe some marriage counseling too would help. Good luck!

[SJS]

How old are you both?

[WCSU1987]

We are both 29 year's old

[ExpatInItaly]

Did you know before you got married that she doesn't want children?

[NTV]

Is it normal for her to use exaggerated emotional outburst when discussing things she doesn't like?

[GunslingerRoland]

Even if she's changed her mind about kids, this isn't normal behavior. Are you able to get to the bottom of what is going on?

[BettyDraper]

Her reaction seems very extreme. Maybe your wife has developed tokophobia which is a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth. Whatever the issue is, you and your wife need to come to an agreement about whether or not you will be having children.

 

If she doesn't want kids and you do, then I don't see how you and she can stay together in the long term.

[Almond_Joy]

Did you make this plan before or after you got married? It's not clear from your post.

 

Also, that control freak comment sounds like she's got other issues exacerbating her reluctance to be pregnant.

 

And since discussing the plan to start a family, how often have you brought up her bearing children and starting this family? Once you talk about it and make the plan, I don't really se how it needs to come up again or keep getting revisited until maybe next year.

 

If you're talking about this like every month it could be freaking her out.

[Popsicle]

I'm sorry but you need to get your career together before you even start talking about making babies. Do that FIRST, then start talking about babies.

[Whoknew30]

I'm sorry but you need to get your career together before you even start talking about making babies. Do that FIRST, then start talking about babies.

 

There's no "perfect" time to have a baby especially of one is married & late 20's. You can go to school & have a child...I had a child, worked & went to school.

 

There is absolutely no "rules" on career & kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even if she's changed her mind about kids, this isn't normal behavior. Are you able to get to the bottom of what is going on?

 

Bingo. WCSU1987, the resentment and anger here, out of scale with your request, tell you there's a bigger subject here. This isn't really (just) about pregnancy and you should work through the actual issues involved.

 

Hope you get some answers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

There's no "perfect" time to have a baby especially of one is married & late 20's. You can go to school & have a child...I had a child, worked & went to school.

 

There is absolutely no "rules" on career & kids.

Agreed here. If I waited until my career was established I'd have been pushing the limit for a healthy pregnancy, and I wouldn't have been able to take time off while my son was little. Some careers require lots of schooling.

 

To OP - I'm a little confused by your post. You quoted your wife as saying "I am not going to have kids now." But according to your post, you aren't asking her to have kids now, you're asking her to have kids two years in the future. So is she saying she doesn't want kids EVER, or is she just saying she doesn't want them now? Did you agree to a kid timeline before you got married? Your post is very unclear!

[Rouik]

I would suggest marriage counseling, Its hard to tell from your original post but it seems as if their is a bigger issue underneath the outbursts. Maybe a third party like a counselor or pastor would be able to flesh out what is bothering her. Good luck and best wishes as you navigate this tough situation.

[aileD]

Maybe your wife feels like she's working towards something in her career and wants to spend more time on that before having a child

 

The way you've got it planned seems like you want it all to happen right when she graduates . She just spent all this time in school to accomplish something and is probably excited to use that diploma for personal career growth.

 

Unless you're the one that's going to birth the baby and stay home for six weeks then plan and provide all the child care?

 

This is stuff that should have been discussed before marriage. Now it seems it's gone too far with resentments and pressure and your marriage seems like it won't survive

[BettyDraper]

There's no "perfect" time to have a baby especially of one is married & late 20's. You can go to school & have a child...I had a child, worked & went to school.

 

There is absolutely no "rules" on career & kids.

 

Doesn't it make sense to be financially stable before having kids?

[aileD]

There's no "perfect" time to have a baby especially of one is married & late 20's. You can go to school & have a child...I had a child, worked & went to school.

 

There is absolutely no "rules" on career & kids.

 

Kudos to you!!!!!!

 

But some people don't want to do that. They want to give full attention to motherhood or full attention to career. And that's okay too.

 

If she's a nurse she probs already has a Messed up schedule working 12 hr shifts and/or nights and what not. Maybe she doesn't want to bring a baby into that right now when it's all new with a new position or whatever

 

shes right, it's her body and her career and no one can force her to have a kid. I see the husband's view too but ultimately it's her body. And they should have figured this out before committing to a life together

[Whoknew30]

Doesn't it make sense to be financially stable before having kids?

 

I was in college, working full time & still technically a teenager when I had my first child. We had a really good time amount of money in the bank...I became really sick & my medical bills forced us to file for bankruptcy within 3 years, with insurance!

 

Anything can happen at anytime, any moment in life. It's never a "perfect" time to have a baby...never.

 

My friends all waited & barely see their kids bc now they're so used to the lifestyles they live (they do extremely well) & are severely stressed & always wanting & or needing to be in two places at the same time...more money comes more problems. I'm not saying it's "wrong" to wait, I'm just saying, anyway you go you're going to face issues.

[Mr. Lucky]

Doesn't it make sense to be financially stable before having kids?

 

Depends on your perspective. I had more fun with my kids when we used a $2 garage-sale Monopoly set for family game night than I did later on when we had the trappings of financial success.

 

Don't think I'd have kids if I was homeless. Beyond that, things tend to work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

Depends on your perspective. I had more fun with my kids when we used a $2 garage-sale Monopoly set for family game night than I did later on when we had the trappings of financial success.

 

Don't think I'd have kids if I was homeless. Beyond that, things tend to work out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've seen couples have kids when they can barely keep the lights on and they have to visit food banks.

I don't think it's fair to bring children into that level of poverty.

 

Wealth is certainly not a requirement of being an effective parent.

However, parents should at least be able to provide food and basic utilities for children.

 

I'm not fond of the idea that depending on parents or the government for financial support is acceptable while raising kids.

When I see couples constantly asking their parents for grocery money to feed their kids or living on welfare, I find it hard to respect them or take them seriously because they are not responsible adults.

Edited May 2, 2017 by BettyDraper

[sandylee1]

Morning. Think I learn by now not brining up pregnancy around my wife. Having a talk in the morning while sharing coffee about events at work. Mentioned pregnancy and wife is now tearing/crying. Yelling about how I don't want children, it's my body, your a control freak, and so forth.

 

I think and won't change on this. I told the wife by the Fall of 2019 we work towards having children. We would only have 5 more months of class left. So if the wife becomes pregnant in November. We finish school and have time to work towards finding jobs, mostly me. Wife is already a nurse but going from LPN to RN. I am hoping yo be in a program by 2018.

 

Wife and I discussed this as the plan.

 

 

When I brought up the topic of pregnancy. Now going on this rant of its her body, you want control, and I am not going to have kids now.

 

What should I do?

 

 

I'm unsure why this brings her out in tears to the point of calling you a control freak. Her behaviour is akin to someone who has something else going on..... Is there a chance she might be cheating and the very thought of getting pregnant is the last thing on her mind?

 

 

Most rationale human beings would simply say, "I'm not quite ready yet", or if she has changed her mind , she should let you know she's not so sure if she still wants children.

 

 

I agree 100% that it's her body and she is the one this will impact more on, so you do need to bear that in mind.

[basil67]

I told the wife by the Fall of 2019 we work towards having children.

 

The controlling attitude of this statement runs strong. You also say that you're not going to change.

 

If this is what your "discussions" consist of when you raise the topic, I'm not at all surprised at her reaction. I also find it odd that you refer to her as "the wife". This term indicates emotional detachment.

[WCSU1987]

Agreed here. If I waited until my career was established I'd have been pushing the limit for a healthy pregnancy, and I wouldn't have been able to take time off while my son was little. Some careers require lots of schooling.

 

To OP - I'm a little confused by your post. You quoted your wife as saying "I am not going to have kids now." But according to your post, you aren't asking her to have kids now, you're asking her to have kids two years in the future. So is she saying she doesn't want kids EVER, or is she just saying she doesn't want them now? Did you agree to a kid timeline before you got married? Your post is very unclear!

 

Apologies been swamped with school. It's a topic that comes up more often lately with me not being accepted into the program I wanted to. See it's not about career it's about money.

 

Right now I pay $300 in credit card bills (trying to pay 2 off in 2 year's), $330 for a car payment, $300 for 6 months a year for school, $300 for health insurance, $150 for car insurance, $300 a month for rent, $360 a month for food, and $200 for gas/parking. Plus trying to save up for emergencies and eventually a house. I only make $22 an hour work 32 hours a week. Going to 24 when in nursing school.

 

The wife makes $25 an hour as an LPN working 24 hours for now. Though has $40,000 in school loans, $260 car bill, and $150 car insurance payment.

 

There is no way can support a child financially until one of us becomes an RN. That way we have a stable career and more finances coming in. Right now we can't rent on our own and can only afford a loft at the MIL place for $300 A month.

 

That is what I try to explain to the wife. She continues to go on children isn't about money, but I am not brining a child into this world till we can afford a child.

 

Now my wife says I don't want kids, which isn't true.

 

We did we talked agreed one of us finish school and be done by 2019. However, the wife and I had a few issues with school. So for me pushing things back a year of hopes of getting into an RN prigram by 2018 or looking elsewhere for a career. The wife is looking to be accepted into a program by 2019.

Edited May 3, 2017 by WCSU1987

[Gemma1]

Apologies been swamped with school. It's a topic that comes up more often lately with me not being accepted into the program I wanted to. See it's not about career it's about money.

 

Right now I pay $300 in credit card bills (trying to pay 2 off in 2 year's), $330 for a car payment, $300 for 6 months a year for school, $300 for health insurance, $150 for car insurance, $300 a month for rent, $360 a month for food, and $200 for gas/parking. Plus trying to save up for emergencies and eventually a house. I only make $22 an hour work 32 hours a week. Going to 24 when in nursing school.

 

The wife makes $25 an hour as an LPN working 24 hours for now. Though has $40,000 in school loans, $260 car bill, and $150 car insurance payment.

 

There is no way can support a child financially until one of us becomes an RN. That way we have a stable career and more finances coming in. Right now we can't rent on our own and can only afford a loft at the MIL place for $300 A month.

 

That is what I try to explain to the wife. She continues to go on children isn't about money, but I am not brining a child into this world till we can afford a child.

 

Now my wife says I don't want kids, which isn't true.

 

We did we talked agreed one of us finish school and be done by 2019. However, the wife and I had a few issues with school. So for me pushing things back a year of hopes of getting into an RN prigram by 2018 or looking elsewhere for a career. The wife is looking to be accepted into a program by 2019.

Wait, what?? I am even more confused. So it it YOU who doesn't want kids yet and she does?

 

I think you just need to start over with this whole thread. You realize everyone just gave you advice for what is likely the opposite of your situation, right? I'm starting to understand why you and your wife have communication issues

 

But in all seriousness, if it's actually you that doesn't want kids at the moment, and she does, you just need to stick to your guns. She's being unreasonable, but that biological clock can be pretty hard to ignore for some women. Have some pity on her, but stand your ground.

[WCSU1987]

Wait, what?? I am even more confused. So it it YOU who doesn't want kids yet and she does?

 

I think you just need to start over with this whole thread. You realize everyone just gave you advice for what is likely the opposite of your situation, right? I'm starting to understand why you and your wife have communication issues

 

But in all seriousness, if it's actually you that doesn't want kids at the moment, and she does, you just need to stick to your guns. She's being unreasonable, but that biological clock can be pretty hard to ignore for some women. Have some pity on her, but stand your ground.

 

Pretty much. Wife wants kids now doesn't want to wait. My wife feels money shouldn't be an issue. Initially she said she stop having children after 35 now 33 she says. I don't want children till one of finishes school in 2020. Wife says I am not willing to compromise and something that cannot be planned out.